Let's go home Steven :)
He's back like nothing has happened, like nothing has changed, but everything has changed and my life seems to be falling apart now I don't have my kids with me. The emptiness I feel inside and the longing to hold them is breaking my heart every day. He runs away, says he's going to visit his kids and I've lost mine all because of him, because he couldn't be the man I wanted him to be back then and now he is it's too late…at least in Amy's eyes. She seems to have a very short memory, she couldn't even stand to be with them not so long ago, yet I have given them everything.
The minute I saw him I wanted to hold him, kiss him, feel him on me, over me, but my mood took over…I was still sulking big time, but then who could blame me. I've lost so much already and then when he left and I had no text or phone call, I thought I'd lost him as well. I thought I meant everything to him…obviously not. He shouldn't have even left me in the state I was in; he should have been here with me, this was our fresh start and already we can't stop arguing, but it's just how we are I guess.
Maybe he shouldn't have come back, he told me as much, but does he really think that's how I feel? Sometimes I wonder if he knows me at all. We've been through so much together; I just needed a bit of reassurance that's all, but he couldn't even give me that. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm pushing him too hard, but I thought that being here with me was what he wanted. It doesn't feel like that right now though and even the thought of that terrifies me.
Work can't even take me out of my mood. Firstly I have to deal with Doug being all happy and camp, I'm sure he wasn't like that when we were together. Then john Paul comes in winding me up a treat, I've always hated him…some people never change and he is one of those people. Last of all Brendan, I tell him I'm working, but he tells me he won't stand in the way of me and my kids and that if I want him to move out he will. I just want to be happy and I want to be happy with him. It's like he just wants out of us.
I know I'm not easy to be around at the moment but I'm missing my kids so much and I can't seem to think straight. His bag is still on the table and I get the urge to look through it, I wonder if I'll ever trust him…I hope so. To my surprise there is present's in there for Leah and Lucas and I can't stop the smile appearing on my face. First time I've smiled in ages. He even signed them from Daddy Brendan…how cute is that?
I try to call him, to tell him I'm sorry and that I want us to work out, but it goes to answer phone and I'm thinking that I might have just blown it with him. I mean this is Brendan we're talking about; he's not going to hang around if he thinks that I don't want him. But I do want him, more than he will ever know and I need to tell him now. If he won't come to me then I guess I'm going to have to go to him. I told him that I wasn't going to give up on him and I meant it.
I head on out in to the cold night, I can't leave it any longer, maybe we have the same idea as I meet him half way by the ally. He looks at me, but he doesn't say a word and neither do I. Instead I cup his face and kiss him, with feeling…with love and I never want it to end. Only it does end because I need to tell him that that I do want him, I've always wanted him, there has never been anyone else for me and deep down he knows it.
"That was for the kid's presents. I don't want you to move out Brendan right. I want you and the kids. We can talk to Amy, we'll just sort something out...Well say something then."
"Let's go home Steven."
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