Total Drama: Revenge of the Island: Rebirth Chapter 1: Bigger! Badder! Brutal-er!, a total drama series fanfic

(Author's Preface [AP?] Guys, since this is going to be a fic based off of Revenge of the Island, there's only going to be 13 episodes. Yeah, this is not nearly going to be as long as the first one. That's both good and bad.

Secondly, some personalities are going to have some radical changes. If you're not a fan of them, this isn't the fic for you.)

Chris McLean stood, once again, on the Wawanakwa dock. However, it had aged; the floorboards rotted and some sections had collapsed.

"We're back! After one year of letting the toxic waste on this island fester…and settling some long-overdue lawsuits…we're ready to start our second season of Total Drama!"

Chef walked up alongside him, holding a briefcase. He opened it, revealing several stacks of Canadian twenties.

"Yup, the prize, once again, is one. Million. Dollars!" Chris said excitedly. "Very shortly, we'll have thirteen people arrive right here on the island to start this cornucopia of challenges!"

Chef closed the case; none of the money fluttered away this time.

Chris looked at the camera. "With only a fraction of the budget we ha-*ahem* with only half the time to fill, we're going to be upping the ante! Who will take all? Who will fall? Who will drop the ball?"

He looked at Chef. "Uh…did I say something like that last year?"

Chef shrugged.

"Anyway, we'll see you right here, right now, with our first episode of Total…Drama…Revenge of the Island!"

*cue the theme song*

Episode 1: Bigger! Badder! Brutal-er!

From off in the distance, a loud honk was heard.

"That's them!" Chris said, looking out over the horizon.

"Ladies and gentlemen, meet our thirteen contestants! First…we have Dakota!"

Dakota took a deep breath and flung her hair back.

"Hey, Dakota fans! I hope that you're ready for…uh…me!"

A rough patch of water splashed up onto her, leaving seaweed and a starfish in her hair.

"OH MY GOSH! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

The blonde next to her laughed. "Oh, man, if the batch of contestants are as weak as her, I can coast into the finals, easy!"

"Yeah, sure, Jo!" the redhead next to her smirked. "And I'll be right alongside ya! Well…fairly, of course…"

"Oh hey, it's Sergeant Scott!" Jo glared. "Whatcha gonna do? Fling some mud?"

"He's going to win the million like the rest of us!"

Jo looked over. "Oh hey, Brick for brains, what deep philosophy did you bring back from cadet camp?"

Brick scoffed at her from the ship railing. "Everyone here has just as much potential to win as everyone else. Our mission is to bring that potential out and let that person shine."

Jo rolled her eyes. "Brilliant. Want a Gemmie for that rousing performance?"

"No, but I do want us to be the best we can be, sir!"

Scott chuckled slightly as Brick saluted his rival. "I second that notion!"

Chris sighed. "Moving right along…we have Zoey…and Dawn!"

Zoey scoffed from the top, looking down on the scene below.

"Cis white scum, spreading their patriarchal ideals to everyone. They're the reason that the world's a crappy place to live."

Dawn pouted and put an arm on her shoulder. "You don't have to be like this. I can see it clearly; your aura is screaming to free itself from its horrible prison…"

Zoey wrenched her shoulder away from Dawn, glared at her, and walked off.

Chris smiled. "Next we have Cameron and Lightning!"

Two African-Canadian teens stood on the side of the boat, although one was clearly cowering behind the other, who was not amused.

"C'mon, shorty, I can't have wussies usin' me as a shield!" Lightning groaned. "It's bad for me and my father's image!"

"Well ex-cuse me for having never been out in the wild until now!" Cameron glared from behind Lightning's back.

"Fine, if that's how you want it…" Lightning cocked his leg forward, then kicked Cameron as hard as he could through the window.

"Enjoy your reality, loser!" he cackled, as Cameron's legs dangled from the window.

Chris squinted. "Gotta keep tabs on that guy…"

He looked further down the ship. A chubby girl was chatting to a tanned male in a blue t-shirt.

"…so, yeah! My great-aunt Helen invented boats! Before her, people had to use small planks of wood…"

The teen shifted his eyes nervously. "Uh…yeah, I'm, uh…gonna go over there. See ya!"

Chris chuckled. "Staci and Mike! Aren't they great?"

"Hahahaha, I can't believe I just surpassed my high score in Galaxy Hunter 5!"

"Oh, right…and Sam."

Sam was leaning over the back railing, thumbs mashing wildly on his Game Guy.

"Just a little bit more and I can compete in the new Gamesphere tourney!"

From the next railing up, a large young man in a red hat leaned down, looking at Sam. He cracked a smile and nodded.

"Aaaand, there's B!" Chris said. "And they're all here!"

The boat had finally arrived on the Wawanakwa dock. Chef appeared with a plank of wood, linking the dock with the side of the boat.

"Greetings!" Chris said to Lightning, who strode off the ship.

"Hel-lo, Wawa…Wawak…how do you pronounce that?" Lightning asked, staring as hard as he could at the sign.

"I believe that's Wawanakwa," a voice next to him replied.

Lightning recoiled in shock. "But…but how…you were on top of the boat!"

"Simple," Dawn replied. "I found a shortcut!"

Dawn: My goal here is to make sure that mother nature is preserved and protected! I've heard all sorts of news about deforestation and climate change, and I feel her weeping more and more each and every day…

"Anyway…whoa." Chris said, gaping at Cameron's cut up body, which B was carrying over his shoulder.

"Don't worry…about me…mommy…" Cameron groaned, before flopping his head on B's shoulder.

"Thanks, buddy!" Chris said to B, patting his other shoulder. "I think he'll heal up fine…especiallysincetheresnoinfirmary *cough* I mean, yeah!"

"AAAAAAAAAAH! GET IT OFF OF ME!"

Chris sighed as Dakota bolted right past him and splashed straight into the water.

"Great, yet another weird one."

"What's weird," a voice next to him said, "is that you're not taking my hand! Where can I find a man courteous enough to do that anymore?!"

Chris rolled his eyes as Zoey glared at him.

"Well? Aren't you going to take my hand?"

Chris shook his head.

Zoey strode off the ship, fuming. Chris swore he could make out the words "patriarchy" and "entitlement".

"Well, jeez, Zoey's a rude one, isn't she? Back home, she'd receive punishment."

"I know, right, Scott? Heard you really like life on the farm."

"Oh, do I! I learned a lot: shooting kitchen rats with my Pappy, pig calls…my sister was so good at those…"

"Dude, come on, you're holding up the line!"

Scott screamed as he was shoved into the water by Jo.

"Man down! Man down!" Brick cried, immediately hopping over the ship to save his comrade.

Chris winced as Brick's jaw slammed hard against the wood of the dock before splashing into the water.

"I'll give him credit: he tried," he said as Brick groaned.

"Oh, uh, excuse me, pardon me, thank you."

Jo barely paid Mike any attention, as he scurried away to be next to Dawn.

"Oh, hello," she smiled at him. "Your aura is exceptionally bright…well, the aura that's you, anyway."

"Oh jeez, you know, don't you?!" Mike gasped, clutching her shoulders. "Please, please, please don't tell anyone about it…"

Dawn's smile faded. "I won't…but you have to, sir."

"Oh…name's Mike, pleased to meet you."

"Well…Mike…you have to tell someone about your multiple personalities (she whispered the last two words)."

Mike nodded. "I just hope they don't screw everything up again…especially him…"

Dawn pursed her lip. "Yes, I see a strong, black aura, screaming to get free…"

Mike shivered. "As long as he doesn't get out…I'm just afraid any whack to the head will do just that…"

Dawn playfully bopped him on the head. "Aw, Mike, you're just fine!"

Meanwhile, Chris was escorting Staci off the boat.

"…unfortunately, my uncle Bob passed away in a sailing incident, so, ya, I have a crippling fear of tilting the boats…" she yakked.

"HEY!" Zoey snapped. "You'd escort her but not me?"

Chris slit his throat with his finger. "I don't think she's on our dimension," he hissed.

"Aaaand…that's…uh, Sam? Sam? HELLO?"

Sam was still playing happily on his Game Guy.

"Ah jeez, really, dude? Chef, bring it, please."

Chef wasted no time. He came back in a minute with a fishing rod, with a magnet at the end of the line. Casting out, the magnet grabbed Sam's Game Guy and brought it back to Chef.

"Oh, hey! Hey, wait! Waaait!" Sam cried, running after it. He gasped and panted on the Wawanakwa dock.

"Oh hey, big guy!" he said to Chef, "Can I have that back, please? I wanted to show my high score to the Gamesphere guys, and I can't do that if I don't have it…"

Chef shook his head.

"Uh, hello? Can someone help me up, please?" A hand flailed about, looking for another.

"I'll save you! Heh, maybe I'll get a sweet item as my rewohhhhhhhhhh."

Sam's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates as he pulled Dakota up.

"Uh, yeah, thanks, but now I gotta dry this! Ugh, my outfit's going to shrink!" Dakota pouted, walking next to Zoey.

Chris sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Alright, so that's…"

He did a head count. "…wait, there's only twelve of you. Where's the last one—"

"OUTTA MY WAY, JOIKS!"

"SOMEBODY STOP THIS THING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

A jetski roared onto the Wawanakwa shoreline, with two people riding on top of it. Behind it was a small dinghy carrying their luggage.

"Oh, that's them…oh! We've got one more!" Chris said, clasping his hands excitedly.

The jetski sputtered onto land and the two contestants got off. However, one of them, a brunette with her hair in a ponytail, gigantic glasses, a green scouts dress and pink leggings, collapsed.

"Oh, come on, losuh! I didn't drag your sorry butt over here for nuttin!" the other one scowled.

"Everyone, this is Anne Maria!" Chris said, motioning to the heavily tanned Jersey Shore wannabe. "Oh yeah, and Beth."

Beth stood up, gasping. "Thanks, mister…OHMYGOSH, YOU'RE CHRIS MCLEAN! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Chris held his ears. "Alright, alright, now, if the fourteen of you will follow me…"

He escorted the 14 contestants to the campfire.

"If any of you have seen Season 1…" he began, but was quickly interrupted.

"I did," Zoey said, raising her hand. She was shortly followed by Mike and Beth.

Zoey: Seeing Bridgette's performance in early Season 1 inspired me to follow the growing fanbase it was getting on Bumbler. However, when that jerk Ben started to go out with her, I lost all hope in her; dating a scumbag like that. She should've gone with a much nicer, more generous person who will grovel at her feet!

Chris sighed "Well, for those of you that only saw smatterings or parts of it…this is our campfire, where we hand out marshmallows to people who are safe."

"Mmmmm, marshmallowy goodness…" Beth drooled. Anne Maria stepped away from her, shuddering.

Anne Maria: No way she's gonna get my pouf. Million dollahs is good, but I'm worth a billion, easy. *she takes out hairspray from her pouf and sprays it*

Chris groaned. "This season's going to be…never mind! Anyway, due to the lesser number of people here and less production costs, someone's going to be eliminated in every episode.

"…except one!"

Chris pulled out a gray card.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Wasn't that the red and green cards that signified each team was safe?" Beth asked, eyes wide with wonder.

"Jeez, way to cut the tension!" Chris groaned, before smiling again. "But yes! Only one team during the season will have privilege to this card, meaning that the other team could be fair game. Simple. Short. Fun!"

The murmuring among the campers increased slightly. Chris's smile dropped faster than the card.

"FINE! So, here's your first challenge! A footrace to the wide open field over there!"

Jo rolled her eyes. "Gee, when he said 'reduced budget', he wasn't kidding."

"I HEARD THAT! First seven people there form one team aaaand get a sweet advantage in part two!

"Now get going…you don't want any of the wildlife hurting you…"

Jo's eyes narrowed. "Oh yeah? Try me."

"Seems like these guys are afraid of…LOUD NOISES!"

Chris blew his signature air horn long and loud. The ground shook and the trees trembled.

"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" Brick screamed, before he, Jo, Lightning, and Scott bolted for the woods.

Everyone else bolted right along after them, and they were right to do so. An angry, mutated beaver with elephant tusks chased right after them.

"Well, Boney Island fauna came on here in the past 6 months," Chris said, before running in a beeline for the field.

Meanwhile, in the woods, the first four contestants made their way through the thickening trees.

"So…" panted Scott, "Brick, you're a military guy, huh?"

"Born and bred," he replied, sticking his thumb proudly into his firm chest. "Dad really got me into the cadet life growing up, and mom was no slouch either. She helped me write some top-quality reports."

Brick: Not to mention that their combined parental guidance won me quite a few awards. There's the shortsheeting award, the dirty laundry award, the…

Dakota: *she wrings her hair out, splashing water onto the floor* Noooooo! That was specially permed by my masseuse! *she sniffles* Chris is so mean!

Brick: …the clean room award, and the letters to mom award! I always won that one.

Jo: *she can't stop laughing* Oh, Brick, dude, you're as lame as lame comes! Me, I just used my wits and skills to excel at anything life throws at me! Nothing can phase *a bear paw smashes through the confessional wall, and she yelps. The paw retracts.* Okay…except for that.

Mike grunted and groaned as twigs and branches slapped against his face.

"Oh, ow, ow! Not fair! Ah, jeez, I don't…"

Dawn, who was right behind him, smacked hard into his back.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll get out of your…you're not Mike."

"Ah, dangnabbit! Haven't felt this sore since my pop whipped me with that belt back in The Great War!"

Dawn groaned. "Yup, this is going to be real fun."

Dawn: Mike's going to be at eternal war with his auras if he doesn't do something soon! I could try to help him…

"Um, let's try to bring you back down to earth, Mister…uh…"

"The name's Chester! Been a while since I've been on a walk, eh? Well, been a while since I did something in general…"

Chester stretched, but groaned as he heard a loud crack.

"Ah, dangit, that's the ol'…ol'…oh boy."

Dawn facepalmed.

Dawn: Dealing with Mike's personalities is going to be tougher than I thought.

"…well, my great-great-great-great-great Aunt Sue invented running shoes…before her, people had to walk in moccasins, which were invented by my great-great-great-great-great-great uncle Arnold…"

"AAAAAH! SOCIAL ACTIVITY!"

Sam was running for his life, with Staci not far behind. The two of them bolted past Dawn and Chester.

"Say, watch where you're going, sonny!" Chester scowled, shaking a fist at the pair.

"Oh, please, not like you'da done the same!" Anne Maria threw her empty hairspray bottle as she passed the two.

Chester groaned as the bottle smacked straight into his left temple, then collapsed.

"Oh no! Mike! Mike, are you alright? Mike?" Dawn was shaking Mike as Anne Maria grabbed another hairspray bottle from her pouf.

"Oh, relax, wonduhboy's fine! He'll get his revenge when the challenge starts propuh!"

As Anne Maria vanished into the woods, Mike bolted awake.

"Aaah! Oh, Dawn, it's you."

He then bolted upright, screaming.

"Oh man, did Chester come out! Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! I'm so, so sorry you had to see that and—"

Dawn gave him a kind smile. Mike quieted down.

"You, sir, need to tell me and your eventual teammates about this," she said, hooking his arm in hers. "C'mon, let's keep going. We'll take all the time we need."

Behind the rest of them, Cameron stirred awake on B's shoulder.

"AAAH! Not the bubble aga…no, wait…I smell fresh air! Pine trees! It's so beautiful!"

B smiled and patted Cam's back.

"Oh, hello, big guy! You're in the competition too, aren't ya?"

B bobbed his shoulder up and down to signify "yes."

"Not much of a speaker, huh?"

B wiggled his shoulder side to side.

"Oh, that's okay. My mom did most of the talking for the both of us, so I'm similar to you!"

Cameron: 16 years. 16 years I was in that bubble. I know my mom loves me and all, but yeesh! That's a bit much isn't it?

Beth and Dakota weren't much further behind.

"So…what…*gasp*…what do you do for fun?" Beth asked her.

Dakota's makeup was smeared with her tears. "Oh gosh, uh, Daddy never lets me talk to ugly people so…uh…bye!"

"But…wait!" Beth reached out in vain as Dakota sprinted ahead.

Beth: *she sighs* I wasn't that good making friends. I spent all last year since my rejection from Season 1 improving things like my diction, my body language, ooh, and my interests! Dad even took me to take my braces off and that's helped soooo much! Now, I just have a retainer! *she spits it out and shows the camera*

Beth groaned as she trod on in silence. That silence, however, didn't last long.

"OUT OF MY WAY! OPPRESSED FEMALE AND ALLY OF POC COMING THROUGH!"

Beth gasped happily. "Oh hi Zoey! …Oh. Bye, Zoey…"

A loud roar erupted from the trees behind her. Beth shrieked and bolted.

From behind the trees, a tiny chipmunk hopped along. It roared.

Zoey: *she grumbles* All this running isn't good for me. My friends on Bumbler and I are pro-obesity. Fatness is beautiful!

Meanwhile, the four frontrunners made it to the open field where Chris was waiting.

"Congrats! You guys make the first four members of…"

"AAAAAAH! KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME!"

"…my aunt Olga is Norwegian and she helped me learn about snowshoeing! Ah, memories!"

Sam skidded to a halt, but Staci chattered right into the back of Lightning.

"Sha-hey!" he snapped, cocking his fist back to punch her.

"Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Chris said. "No violence, please! Save that for the challenges…"

Lightning: Oooh, no violence. Well, sha-suck it, Chris! I'm like lightning in a can, let it pop, and I'm off like a bullet! Sha-bam! *he punches the patched up confessional wall, opening a hole in it again* …No matter! Once I win the million, I'll spend none of it on repairing this crusty place!

"Well, that's six…" Chris said, waiting for anyone else.

"Ah, jeez, we're outnumbered, nine to four," Jo sulked.

Brick sighed. "Bringing up strong vs. weak again? You wouldn't last a minute in my squad."

"Oh, yeah? Try me!"

"Well, maybe I will!"

"Ladies, gentlemen, please!" Scott said, breaking the two apart. "I think that we can all get along just fine if we talk about it over some gruel!

"No!" Jo said, turning away.

Scott: Well, we're all on the same team, might as well try to build some trust in between us! But noooo, I'm immediately the bad guy! Why do I even try?

Brick: I'm giving Scott credit where credit's due, he's a great mediator.

"Aaand here comes…Anne Maria? I was expecting B…or Mike…heck, even Dakota!" Chris groaned. "Well, looks like you seven are your own team: the Toxic Rats!"

A green, angry rat flashed above the seven contestants.

"Gee. Great." Sam groaned as Staci chattered on in the background.

Sam: Honestly, I would've liked to be with Dakota on the same team! She's sooooo pretty…*his eyes sparkle and he slips out of focus*

"So, the rest of you…" Chris said as he saw Mike, Dawn, Dakota, B, and Cameron approach him. "You're the Mutant Maggots!"

A red maggot hung over the five competitors. None of them noticed.

"Oh look, it's Zoey and Beth! Over with these five, please!"

"You don't have to tell me twice!" Beth said, panting next to Mike.

Zoey, however, kept her distance.

Zoey: It's nice that we have a female and PoC advantage here, but Mike's a cis white male! He might as well be worthless!

"Anywho, on to your first challenge. You guys will have to detach these totem poles from these trees using any means necessary. However, since the Rats got the first win: they win climbing gear, including a Swiss army knife!"

He tossed a backpack, a pick, and a harness to Brick, who smiled.

"Oh, I'm all over this!"

Brick: Climbing sheer rock faces is something I excelled in at boot camp. No stinking tree's going to stop me.

"As for the Maggots," Chris continued, "you guys get a trampoline! It's at the site of your totem pole…"

"Uh, Chris," Sam said, looking longingly for any game device to play, "how do we finish the challenge? I want my games back…"

"Glad you asked! You'll have to slide along down to the site of your cabins! You'll have to place your pole on the cabin stand before the timer runs out.

"If the timer does run out, well…BOOM!"

Everyone gasped.

"Oh yeah, be sure to get to the luxurious McLean Spa Hotel first. Winning teams will have a blast living in there…"

Some of the contestants groaned.

Lightning: Aw, sha-sweet! I know that I'll lead my team to victory each and every time! With my own bare hands!

Zoey: I heard that the funding got slashed due to some lawsuits, but I didn't know that the budget was this low because Chris needed to feed his ego! Leave it to men to make dumb decisions like this…

"Now, go!"

The Rats were off, with the Maggots not too far behind.

"Hey, uh…Brawn, I'll get that climbin' gear off your hands, Lightnin's on the case!" Lightning said.

Brick gave him a look. "Well, mom always said 'share the load', so…here!"

He handed Lightning the backpack, but kept the harness and pick.

"Sha-bye-bye, sucka!" Lightning cackled, throwing the backpack at B.

"NOOOO!" everyone else groaned.

Sam: Leave it to Lightning to screw things up for us, huh? Well, least I'm not going home first, bro!

Sam was starting to lag behind the rest of his team.

"Need…games…must…have…entertainment!"

"C'mon, saggypants! Move it or lose it!" Jo grumbled, as the Maggots started to overtake the chubby gamer.

"Can't...go...on!"

"Awww, don't feel bad, Daddy never taught me how to work out much, either!"

"Oh…hey!"

"Hiiii! You're the one that saved me, right?"

Dakota and Sam petered down to a comfortable walking speed, unaware that their competition was far ahead.

Meanwhile, the two teams of six arrived at the sites of the totem pole. The Maggots gathered around their trampoline.

"Thanks, Lightning!" Zoey said, waving happily, "it's nice to have a PoC take advantage of a poor, oppressed, woman!"

"Sha…uh…uh…what?" Lightning's face was scrunched up in confusion.

"No time to waste, let's move!" Brick said, grabbing the pick and taking hold. "We've got a challenge to win!"

"Aw, puh-leeze," Anne Maria scoffed, applying nail polish. "This losuh Lightning cost us the challenge!"

Lightning turned around, flames of anger in his eyes.

"Did. You. Just. Say. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE?"

"Yeah, what about it? People lose all the time, shawty!"

"NYAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Anne Maria ran for her life as Lightning charged towards her.

Meanwhile, Brick was rappelling up the tree quickly.

"Thankfully, this bark gives me a rough surface to work with," he said to himself.

"Come on, Helmet-head! We're losing big time!" Jo cried in anguish.

Indeed, she was right: B had already attached the rope to the tree and was showing Dawn how to climb it.

"Ah, jeez," Brick groaned, sweating up a storm.

"Ooh, it's raining!" Staci said as drops of sweat fell off of Brick and onto her skin. "My great-great uncle Hugo lived in the rainforest and—"

"WE DON'T CARE!"

Staci: Gosh, how rude! I do wish they could've spoken up about it…

"Alright, idiot, c'mere, I'll win this challenge for us!"

Brick yelped as he was being yanked down by Lightning, who was climbing up as fast as he could.

"No time for sha-losers!" he said, as Brick painfully slid down the tree onto the ground.

As Lightning grabbed onto the branch, Brick screamed in pain, loudly.

"Aw, crap! Brick, you alright?" Scott asked, helping his friend back up.

"I think I need something for my arms…" Brick moaned, showing him raw and bloody marks.

"I have just the cure!"

Scott scurried away. Jo rolled her eyes.

"Great, Lieutenant—"

"Hey! I'm still a cadet!"

"Yeah, whatever. Now look what you did. Might as well demote Scott to corporal!"

"What makes you think that, private?" Brick stood up, glaring daggers.

"Well, I've been keeping an eye on Scott. He seems like just the guy to trade off his whole team for the million…"

Brick crossed his arms, an action which he immediately regretted.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Don't worry, buddy! I got some mud!"

Brick gasped as Scott immediately started to apply some muck to Brick's red arms.

"Okay, Lightning, that was not cool!" he yelled at the jock, who had scrambled onto the branch

"Sha-please! You'll all be bowing down to me as you-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Lightning, who was bouncing on the branch, screamed as it gave way.

"Unbelievable!" Jo cried out in dismay. "Also…where are Sam and Anne Maria?"

Thankfully, one of her pressing questions was answered.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, uh, Sam, you're so funny!"

Sam was escorting Dakota to their challenge site. Jo glared daggers at him.

"And where were you?"

"I was escorting this jewel back to her team! Making sure she didn't get hurt, you know?"

Jo groaned. "Great! So half our team is useless!"

Lightning groaned as he came to. "Alright, let's get sha-going!"

He sprinted, carrying the totem, before throwing it, launching himself onto it, and sledding down.

"UNBELIEVABLE!" Jo screeched.

"There's no 'I' in 'team'!" Scott shot at him.

"Oh yeah? There is an 'I' in 'me'!"

Jo stood there, perplexed.

"WHAT?!"

WHAM.

Lightning's trip was cut short; his ride had crashed headfirst into a tree, launching him straight through the trunk.

Jo whacked him upside the head when she got there. "Way to go, idiot."

"Wooo…Super Bowl…yeaaaaah…"

"Right. Brick and Scott, can you go check on Anne Maria?"

Scott was still applying mud onto Brick's arms. He shook his head.

"Uh…Gabby Gums?"

"Well, my great-aunt Helen taught me how to make treehouses, so maybe she took some of my wisdom and…"

"UGH! FINE! I'LL—"

"I'll get 'er!"

Jo stood flabbergasted at Sam's volunteer request. "But…you just got back from—"

"Yeah, but now, this time, I won't get in your way! Win-win!"

Jo sputtered, then buried her face in her hands.

"Y…yeah. Fine. Whatever. Go."

Sam sprinted away to find his lost teammate.

Sam: Well, my brother always taught me that if you want to get the girl, treat her with compassion and respect! Well, my dating sims games could've told me that too, beyond all the tentacles and monsters and…uh…love you, bro!

Anne Maria was sulking as she hung by her shirt on a tree branch.

"Way to go, Lightning! You sore losuh!"

"…looo..ellllooooo…Hellllooooooo?"

"Ah, crap, it's that gamuh guy."

Sam passed close by to her captive spot.

Don't say anything, don't say anything…

Anne Maria pulled out her nail polish again, but it slipped out her grip.

"CRAP!"

"AHA! I FOUND THE PRINCESS!"

Anne Maria groaned as Sam ran up to her.

"Not to worry, Princess, all I have to do is clear this flagpole…"

Anne Maria groaned.

Anne Maria: Unbelievable! That joik's losin' his marbles! Is this whole team crazy or what?

Meanwhile, on the Maggots, Dawn was climbing up the rope.

"So, you think she'll be okay?" Mike asked, scratching his head.

"Oh, of course!" Cameron piped up, still on B's shoulder. "B fastened that rope securely with the simple, yet elegant, square knot. Combine that with the knife, and we might as well be at the Spa Hotel already."

Zoey grumbled and rolled her eyes.

"Uh, is something bothering you?" Beth asked, leaning closer.

"Leave me alone."

"Oh."

Beth: *she sniffles* Why does the world hate me?!

"I got it!"

Dawn was using the knife part of the Swiss Army knife to cut the rope attaching the totem pole to the tree.

"Stay clear! It's heavy!"

Zoey glared over at the other team. "Oh look, Lightning crashed the totem. Whoopee."

Cameron scratched his head. "Shouldn't you be glad about that? It means we get an edge here, and a possible win later!"

B gave Zoey a look. Zoey glared right back.

"It's none of your business if I'm bothered or not! Now then, leave. Me. Alone!"

"CLEAR!"

Dakota bolted as the totem pole slammed into the ground, hard. B, wasting no time, was pushing it over to its side.

"B wants us to get on!" Dawn said, pushing herself off the tree and landing, unscathed.

Everyone gaped.

Mike: Okay, that was a five-foot drop, easy! What sort of stuff is Dawn hiding?

Dawn: Well, I've promised to be kind to Mother Nature, and, well, nature is kind to me back! Ooh, I can't wait to see some more fauna around! I'm sure I'll be good friends with them!

"Dakota, come on!" Cameron reached his hand out to the spoiled teen.

"Oh, I…I…okay!"

Dakota screeched as she ran towards Cameron, who grabbed her hand. She then screamed along with the rest (save B) as they rocketed down the hill.

Chris and Chef were sitting outside the two cabins, drinking iced tea.

"Ahhh, it's good being back in the saddle!" Chris said happily. "Oop, here come…the Maggots?!"

Indeed, 6 of the 7 Maggots screamed as they made it to the bottom of the hill, right before stopping in front of the spa.

"Hurry!" Mike cried, straining to lift it.

With enough effort, all 7 contestants lifted the totem pole and slowly started to walk towards the podium.

"Might wanna hurry, Maggots!" Chris said, flipping up his sunglasses. "Only got two…"

KLIK.

Thankfully, the timer was irrelevant; the spa hotel was theirs.

"AND THE MUTANT MAGGOTS WIN THEIR FIRST CHALLENGE! I wonder how the Rats are doing…" Chris mused.

"Ow, ow, ow! Hey, losuh! Put me down!"

Anne Maria grunted as sticks and needles lodged in her hair.

"No time!" Sam cried, searching around in panic. "We've got a challenge to wi— "

BOOM.

The entire forest shook as the Rats totem exploded violently. Sam ooohed as he saw the bright explosion.

"STOP WASTING TIME AND LET'S GO!" Anne Maria shrieked, punching his shoulder.

From far away, the air horn blasted. Once again, the forest shook: the fauna was getting restless.

"RATS! I'LL SEE YOU AT THE FIRST ELIMINATION OF THE SEASON!" Chris cried through his megaphone.

Sam yelped and ran, dropping Anne Maria hard on the ground.

Anne Maria: Oh, I know exactly who's gonna go! It's that no good Sam!

Meanwhile, the other five campers bolted (Jo carrying the woozy Lightning) as the mutant animals trampled not far behind.

"Oh crap!" Scott groaned as mud splashed up onto his jeans. "Way to go, Lightning."

"Yeaaaah…go team go…"

"Unbe-lie -vable!" Jo groaned as they saw the clearing ahead. "I knew we were hosed, but not this bad!"

"I know, right?!" The other team members gasped as Anne Maria exited the woods not too far from them.

"Wait…" Brick started.

"…where's Sam?" Scott finished.

"Who knows? Who cares? He's as good as gone in my book, that's for sure."

Meanwhile, Sam was groaning as he came to. "AAAAH!"

A squirrel with vertical eyelids was finishing tying him up.

"Uhhh…what are you guys gonna do to me?"

The camera cut away as Sam screamed towards the heavens, interspersed with punching and whacking sounds.

The seven Rats looked weary and battered, except for Lightning. He was still woozy from his adventures.

"Rats. I only have six marshmallows on this plate." Chris held it up, then looked towards Chef.

"Now, you might be wondering why this guy's decked out in a radiation suit. Well…"

Chef opened up the small box he was holding. Inside was a glowing, green marshmallow.

"This is the Toxic Marshmallow of Loserdom. None of you have seen Season 1, but we got…inspired…by the episode it appeared in.

"Now then, to the victors go the spoils, and to the losers…well, you get radiation poisoning."

Everyone gasped.

"Right. These bad boys go to…Anne Maria…Brick…Jo…Scott…and Sam."

Sam gasped as a marshmallow landed in his hands. His smile, however, soon faded.

"I just want my Game Guy…"

"Awww. Don't care. Anywho, you two caused quite a bit of problems today. Staci, you wouldn't shut up and contributed absolutely nothing. Lightning, you tried to help your team…well, threw your team under the bus…and completely failed."

Staci balled her hands into fists, sweating nervously. Lightning just murmured slurred, unintelligible speech.

"Tonight's Toxic Marshmallow goes…toooooo…

…

…LIGHTNING!"

Chef threw the marshmallow via his set of tongs. It landed squarely on Lightning's head, blanching his hair in a matter of instants.

"Wh…AAAH! AAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Lightning whacked the Toxic Marshmallow off of him; it sank into the ground shortly thereafter.

"Yup! Boat of Losers is that-a-way!"

Lightning scowled as he got on the boat. Chef started the engines.

"Sha-mark my words! You're all going to regret this! Especially you, Scott! Keep your eyes out on him! He's a traitoooooooooo…"

His last words were drowned out as the boat moved out into the thickening fog.

Scott glared at the rest of his team. "Really? After all I've done to help today?"

Jo smirked.

Jo: Scott being a traitor? Complete bull. But, you plant the seeds of doubt into your team, and they'll bend over to you if you successfully take him out. You're next, Scotty boy.

"With one Rat down and another following in his footsteps, will Jo succeed in her plan to take out Scott? Will Sam do anything useful? Will Dakota stop whining? Will Staci shut up? Find out on this next episode of Total…Drama…Revenge of the Island!" Chris grinned as the cameras faded to black.

(AN: Dang, this chapter came out really quickly, didn't it? Sorry if it did, I just wanted to get something out before I go back to school and whatnot.)

(Right, a few more disclaimers. NO, there will be no immunity idol. Saw what it did in canon and, honestly, it brought up quite a few complications (ESPECIALLY in All-Stars…) I just thought it was wiser to leave it out and have the new guys fend for themselves.)

(Next, any portrayals of MPD may or may not be psychologically accurate. My goal is writing a good story here; if you want accurate MPD analysis, I recommend finding a medical journal and critiquing me as you see fit. I'll see what I can do.)

(Lastly, yeah, only going to be 13 episodes, folks. I don't want to gorge this season with filler, as well as not turning it into Total Drama Action. We all know how that went.)

Toxic Rats: Anne Maria, Brick, Jo, Sam, Scott, Staci

Mutant Maggots: B, Beth, Cameron, Dakota, Dawn, Mike, Zoey

14th: Lightning

Next Up: Truth or Laser Shark