Title : Sickroom

Disclaimer : I don't own Saiunkoku Monogatari. It belongs to Sai Yukino.

Rating : T

Genre : Family/Humour

Warnings : Yaoi, mentions of

Pairing : No pairing on-screen, mentions of Koyu/Shuei, Reishin/Kijin.

Summary : Watching over Reishin in the sickroom, Koyu comes to terms with two issues in their awkward father-son relationship.

Time-fit: After Breakfast.

Koyu found himself doing it again, glancing up from his desk to check if the human figure walking past his office door was Reishin. No, it wasn't. Koyu frowned. Reishin hadn't said anything about not coming in to work that day.

The next time Koyu looked up, it was Kijin walking into his office.

"Lord Kijin."
Koyu hurried from behind his desk.

"Koyu, can you get off in the later part of the day? Reishin's not well, but I can't go home, I'm swamped with work today."

In the semi-darkened room, Koyu sat watching his adoptive father sleep. Kijin had been evasive on what ailed Reishin. The evasiveness worried Koyu. Kijin had always been a straightforward person. To make matters worse, somewhere in Kijin's unclear response, Koyu had gathered that whatever it was that had put Reishin in bed, was the same thing that did it when Koyu was fourteen, and again when Koyu was seventeen.

Reishin stirred. Koyu glanced at the pot of herbal brew on the warmer, checking that the small flame had not been extinguished. Reishin settled back to sleep. Koyu frowned in frustration at the steaming pot of medicine. His exceptional sense of smell was useless in this instance, because he lack the knowledge. He couldn't distinguish the smells, couldn't tell from the medicine what ailed Reishin.

Reishin's small movement had caused the covers to fall away from his neck. Koyu leaned forward and pulled it in place. He used the edge of his sleeve to dab at the perspiration on Reishin's forehead. Koyu felt overwhelmed by his emotions. So much was going on inside him, so many thoughts and feelings fighting for dominance.

Fear. Reishin must be in a bad way for Kijin to ask Koyu to apply for urgent leave. And whatever the ailment, it had a history.

Frustration. Reishin had always kept him out of it. Koyu remembered well those days when he was refused entry into the sickroom.

Regret. Thirteen years, and they had not shared one proper parent-child moment.

The closest Koyu ever felt to Reishin was that carriage ride, when Reishin took it upon himself to analyze Koyu and Shuei's relationship problem.
At least I DID thank him for that!
And there was that time, when Lord Reishin practically pleaded with me to understand his position, to understand his reason for not naming me "Hong". And all I did was keep silent!
There's too much unsaid, between Lord Reishin and I.
Koyu held his head in his hands.

"Koyu?"

Reishin handed the empty bowl to Koyu.
"Alright, Koyu, now that I've taken my medicine, will you explain why you're not at work?"

"Lord Reishin, are you happy with the way things are now? I mean, between us?"

Reishin's eyes widened.
"Ah, so you are here to interrogate a sick man. Very well, Koyu, but will you help me with the cushions? Since this looks like it's going to take a while, I'll need back support."

Koyu placed the cushions, adjusted them, and lifted Reishin's hair as the latter leaned back against the cushions. He stared absently at the silky strands of dark moss-green hair in his hand. He flushed when he realized that Reishin was looking at him quizzically.

"Lord Reishin, why didn't you ever touch me?"

Reishin was silent for a long time.
"And I thought you had forgiven me for that, Koyu, that day when you hugged me in my office. I knew, of course, that the prank was instigated by Shuei, but I must have been mistaken when I thought your embrace was heartfelt."

"It was."
Seeing the doubt in the hazel eyes, Koyu very awkwardly reached for Reishin's hand and gave it a squeeze. He saw Reishin's cheeks turn pink.
"I just need to know why."

"It was . . . circumstances, Koyu. The only creatures I have touched without reservation are animals and infants. You were eight, that made you a thinking human. To touch a fellow human, a total stranger, was unthinkable. I had hoped that as we got better acquainted, it would become easier."

Reishin shifted against his cushions.
"I did not account for the malice of the grapevine. With the rampant speculation that I took in a beautiful child to groom for my personal pleasure, touching you was no longer an option. And by the time you were no longer a child, the habit had set in, and the idea of any physical contact with you became quite preposterous."

"Preposterous?"
Koyu laughed.
"I feel the same way, Lord Reishin."

"I know. If not for Shuei, that hug would not have taken place."
Reishin raised one eyebrow.
"So do we continue in our awkwardness, Koyu? Or do you insist that we must try to touch each other?"

"Awkwardness is fine, Lord Reishin. It defines us."
Koyu grinned, pulling the unsuspecting Reishin into his embrace.
"This one is not instigated by anyone, Lord Reishin."

Koyu released Reishin slowly, and watched in amusement and something very close to pride as Reishin struggled to regain his composure.

"You can stop grinning now, Koyu. As for your first question, I'm content with the way things are between us now. It's the best it's ever been; with some help, of course. It seems we relate best in Shuei's presence. It is strange but true."

Reishin's features took on a wistful expression.
"And knowing how I messed up in relating to you, Koyu, I don't expect to be able to have the same type of bond that you have with Kijin."

Koyu couldn't speak. His chest was too constricted.

"You have another question for me, don't you?"
Reishin's voice was quiet. He looked at Koyu levelly.
"About your name."

"Why didn't you tell me? If I had just known the reason, I could have held my head high, I could have scoffed at the taunts, stood up to all those . . ."
Koyu's voice trailed off, unable to take back what he had already let slip.

". . . all those bruises you came home with on the weekends. I had always wondered about those bruises. Wondered why you didn't fight back, or at least dodge and run. Almost no one can match your sprinting speed, and your reflexes are fast."

Reishin's voice shook.
"You couldn't fight back because you were defeated by your shame, because you believed their taunts that you haven't earned the Hong name. I'm so sorry, Koyu."

"It's alright, Lord Reishin. I've let it go, I'm not upset anymore. And the bruises are all in the past. I just want to understand why you chose not to tell me the reason."

"I didn't make a conscious choice. Koyu, I grew up wishing that I was anything but a Hong. And even now, I detest all that comes with it. I didn't give you the family name to protect you from all that ugliness. And it did not occur to me that you, with your fiercely independent personality, would want to be a Hong. Koyu, how am I going to make it up to you? It's not too late to change your name, if you still want that."

"No, I don't. Its importance was tied in with you, Lord Reishin, not with the name itself. And you have done more than enough for me. And for us, of course. Shuei thinks the world of you."
Koyu paused, wondering if he should ask the next question.

"What is it, Koyu?"

"Lord Reishin, what are you suffering from?"

Reishin looked at Koyu in non-comprehension.
"Suffering? I'm not suffering from anything."

"But Lord Kijin said it's the same thing that had you in bed twice before, when I was fourteen, and seventeen! And he sent me here to look after you!"

"He sent you?"
The hazel eyes narrowed. Then Reishin laughed softly.
"Oh, Koyu, you should know better than to trust Kijin. I lay down in the melting snow yesterday, and came down with a chill. That's all. And that was what happened those two other times too."

Koyu snorted.
"I should have known better!"
He grinned.
"But it all turned out good, didn't it, Lord Reishin?"

"Yes."
Reishin smiled.
"Now that I'm in no danger of dying, you can go back to the palace, Koyu."

"No. I promised Lord Kijin I'll stay till he returned."

"That is all very well, but a sick person needs to sleep. And I can't fall asleep with you watching me!"

Reishin suddenly sat up straight, his eyes glinting. He pushed the cushions off the bed, and moved to occupy only the inner half of the bed. He patted the bed invitingly.
"Come into bed, Koyu."

"WHAT?"

"Think about it, Koyu. Kijin comes home to find you in bed with me. Payback time."

Koyu laughed.
"Oh, why not? I've always wondered what's it's like to sleep in your bed, Lord Reishin."

After pulling the covers over Reishin and himself, Koyu rested his head on the long pillow. He felt the warmth build-up under the covers. Lying just inches from his father, Koyu basked in the shared warmth.
"Lord Reishin, why did you lay in the melting snow? You know you are susceptible."

Reishin made a strange sound, followed by a gurgle.
"Why else, Koyu? I was getting laid! And I can't help being susceptible to Kijin."

The silence next to Reishin was deafening. He had no trouble imagining what Koyu's face would look like.

"Lord Reishin, please, at least make sure you're on . . . t-t-top."
Koyu blushed, stuttering on the last word.

"Alright, Koyu."
Reishin laughed, immensely tickled.
Wait till I tell Kijin that Koyu and I discussed POSITIONS!

They fell silent.

Reishin waited for Koyu's breathing to normalize before speaking.
"In all your anguish, Koyu, did you have even the smallest inkling that I was not ashamed of you?"

"Just one hint. I held on to that religiously."

"What was it?"

"On the day Shurei's results were announced. You were walking ahead of me. You looked at the sky, and commented that it was the same colour as the day when MY results were announced. It didn't strike me then. But later it made me think that maybe, just maybe, you were proud of me on that day five years ago."

"Maybe? For goodness sake, Koyu, did you think there was the possibility that I catalogue the colour of the firmament on a daily basis, over a period of five years?"

Koyu chuckled drowsily.

"Sleep well, Koyu."

"Sleep well . . . father."

"Father". . . that sounds so nice.
Smiling, Reishin settled against the long pillow, the pillow he was sharing with his son.
Thank you, Kijin.

The End

Notes :

(1) The carriage ride, in which Reishin took it upon himself to help with Koyu and Shuei's relationship issue, is a reference to Chapter 6 of Twin Irises.

(2) The time when Reishin tried to get Koyu's understanding on the issue of not giving Koyu the family name "Hong" is also a reference to Chapter 6 of Twin Irises.

(3) The hug that Koyu gave Reishin is again found in Chapter 6 of Twin Irises.

(4) The story behind Reishin saying "And knowing how I messed up in relating to you, Koyu, I don't expect to be able to have the same type of bond that you have with Kijin" is found in If Only . . .

(5) The incident when Reishin mentioned the colour of the sky is in Episode 14 of the anime Season 1.