This was the second fic I ever wrote. I love this pairing so I decided to post this. The song used is Joy Enriques- How Can I Not Love You
The fact that something as wonderful as the joining of two people could take place with a war imminent made it extra-ordinary. It was truly a magnificent occasion. The epitome of all that a wedding should be. The blushing bride and the proud groom had decided upon a sunset ceremony and as evening drew nearer, it was evident that their decision was well made.
The sky was alive with a stunning display of color. Vibrant hues of red, orange, violet, pink and faint remnants of azure, all melded delicately into each other, giving the entire vicinity a slightly supernatural ambiance.
The warm glow from the already setting sun illuminated the precisely laid rows of white chairs, so that they seemed to offer their own individual warmth. A tall, white arbor with draping honeysuckle and kokkuryu flowers, stood in the middle of the last row, and beneath it, a path that had been made in the groomed lawn that led to the altar. Beyond it, sprawling dales dotted with tiny villages and thick forests, added to the already striking scenery
The unmistakable scent of spring was in the air as casual zephyrs lightly tickled the White Peony and Lavender flowers sending bursts of tantalizing aromas with the refreshing, gently breezes . She opened the small cottage window and took in a deep breath, drinking in the scent of flowers, dew and happiness. The laughter and excited chatter from arriving guests carried by the wind reached her ears and she felt slightly anxious.
The vacant seats were being occupied at an alarmingly fast rate. This is it she thought. The big day. Sighing lightly, she closed her eyes and a small smile crossed her lips.
She had known James since their days at school and even two years after school had ended, he could still manage to make her smile and giggle like a giddy school girl. She was happy. She was comfortable with him-- so why then were her palms beginning to sweat and her heart beginning to race. Her stomach gave an uncomfortable lurch and she stumbled across the room and sunk into the soft chair opposite the vanity.
"Lily, what's wrong?" one of the bride's maids asked with concern, her voice raised slightly to be heard over the blare of feverish speech and high-pitched giggles.
The circle of white robed women now broke apart and rushed to assist the ailing bride; looks of concern etched on their faces. Lily forced a smile. These women were slightly fanatical. If they sensed even the slightest bit of uncertainty they would surely go into mass hysterics--after all, how could the earth possibly function if a bride wasn't happy on her wedding day.
"Nothing," she replied a little too cheerfully. "Just a bit of wedding day jitters I suppose." With that the tensed faces instantly eased and the laughter resumed. "That's to be expected love," said an experienced voice from within the group. Lily smiled but still allowed herself to be momentarily lost in thought.
What's wrong with me? I love James. I've been waiting forever for this day. So why do I feel like something is wrong…….like I'm making a dreadful mistake? Her shoulders slouched a little and she lowered her head. I wonder if… Severus knows…… that I'm getting married.
Just thinking his name brought his face into her mind and with it, memories. She suddenly found herself very angry. She clenched her fists but her face held a detached expression. I don't care if he knows or not. He made his decision a long time ago and it certainly wasn't our friendship. But why then……..
Must Be Strong, And We Must Let Go
Cannot Say What Our Hearts Must Know
How Can I Not Love You
What Do I Tell My Heart
When Do I Not Want You Here In My Arms
How Does One Waltz Away From All Of The Memories
How Do I Not Miss You When You Are Gone.
That was it. She would no longer think of him. This was her day to be happy. She got up and joined the other women; happy to participate in their conversation to give her mind something else to focus on.
After five more minutes of forced smiles and overly enthusiastic laughter Lily was finally alone. Closing her eyes she reveled in the silence. She had wanted a bit of peace, so when the bride's maids and friends left for the commencement of the ceremony, she made up the weak excuse of wanting to brush her hair some more and stayed behind; thinking the silence would calm the maelstrom of thoughts in her mind when ignoring them clearly did not.
But she was wrong. All the quiet did was amplify the confusion and a wave of unease swept over her. She inhaled deeply, willing herself to relax. "You're being silly Lily. There is no reason to be nervous," she scolded herself quietly as she opened her eyes and caught her reflection in the mirror.
She was wearing her late mother's traditional muggle wedding gown. It was given expressly to her for when her special day came, amid several debates from her sister Petunia, who deemed her unworthy. It was a simple white, V-necked dress with a shimmering, transparent layer of material flowing over it. Despite several heated protests, from her friends, she opted to wear her hair down-- it was just how she always preferred it. The ladies however, refusing to be put off, agreed that if it was to be worn down, then it would at least be brushed until every last stray strand was tamed.
Everyone had gushed as they admired the finished product. They praised her and told her she looked perfect. Exactly how a woman moments away from the apex of her life should look. Glowing and beautiful.
But beneath her heavily powdered face, glossed lips and excessively brushed hair, was something only she could distinguish. The tiniest internal flaw-- the one crack that could enable the perfectly composed image to shatter.
Doubt.
The one blemish that tarnished the perfect picture and threatened to consume her at any given moment.
Surely she loved James with all her heart. The he had proposed to her was the happiest day of her life. He was kind, devoted, handsome and honorable. All of the traits associated with an ideal husband and partner.
He would provide for her and their future children. The war would hopefully be over soon and they would enjoy the rest of their lives together. He would take of her and love her as she wanted. She would be happy with him. She had to be. These words reverberated around in her mind, clinging to the hope that they would achieve confirmation if they outweighed all else by sheer number.
She shifted in her chair as music spilled into the room via the open window. It was time to walk her chosen path. Even though he is longer part of my life I still cannot be free of him.
A loud knock on the door revived her from her reverie and made her jump halfway out of her seat clutching her heart; feeling slightly guilty and afraid that somehow her thoughts were visible and could incriminate her.
"It's time dear," called her father's muffled voice from the outside the door. "Lily?"
"Er…yes….I'm coming daddy," she replied shakily while smoothing down the outer-layer of her dress. With one last glance in the mirror for good measure, she proceeded put the door.
Outside in the weak afternoon sunlight stood the tall, middle-aged figure of her father. He was dressed in his best suit and smiled at her lovingly when she emerged.
"Lily you look so beautiful. Just like your mother did on our wedding day," he said fondly. "I can't believe my little girl's getting married. I'm so proud." He pulled her into a tight hug and she couldn't help it. She hugged him back and smiled genuinely.
"Thank you daddy," she whispered in his ear.
Her father was delighted to see his daughter being handed into the care of a responsible man. James was indeed a responsible man, he loved her and she loved him in turn. She was lucky to find such a man to bind her life to. She would be happy.
With her mind suddenly free of all contradictions and worries, and the mental assurance that she was making the right decision, she entwined her elbow in her fathers' and began to walk forward to the aisle.
The happiness that now filled her seemed to radiate from her very being as she reached the arch and stood underneath it. Everyone rose from their seats and watched her with an almost tangible anticipation; their crystal coloured robes rippling in the light breeze. She inhaled deeply and began her slow walk to the altar.
As soon as she took her first step, music began to spill from the core of the flowers. The wind brought dozens of swirling, enchanted rose petals and scattered them precisely, so her feet never touched the grass. She was taken aback for a moment. Looking at James, she saw his trademark wide grin plastered on his face, meaning he had no doubt arranged them to do so without her knowledge. She smiled back. She loved many things about him, his spontaneity and capriciousness being one of the several.
With every continuing step she took, the petals did their dance and laid themselves gently under her feet, cushioning them. She was in absolute bliss. Everything seemed stunning in her eyes: the beautiful sunset, all of her closest friends and well wishers congratulating her as she passed, James looking at her in awe, Sirius patting James on the back, Remus looking slightly flustered and Peter grinning wildly.
Just then, a dark figure in a billowing black coat caught her eye as it disappeared behind a tree.
Lily stopped dead in her tracks. These were dangerous times. A sneaky, retreating figure could easily have been interpreted as a threat, after all she and James were part of the order. Even on her wedding day, she had her wand wedged in her garter. But surprisingly, thoughts of jeopardy were the last things on her mind. She was somewhat certain that the figure wasn't actually menacing. It wasn't preparing for an attack.
It was hiding. He was hiding.
Sensing a slight disturbance, James' smile wavered and he looked at her confusedly.
All the joy that she had been feeling moments ago dissolved into uncertainty as she stared intently at the tree which the figure had disappeared behind.
Severus? Her mind was working furiously. No it couldn't have been him. It must have been my imagination. Severus wouldn't come here .Would he? I imagined it. I imagined it… He's here.
Cannot Dream, Cannot Share
Sweet And Tender Moments
Cannot Feel, How We Feel
Must Pretend It's Over
Must Be Brave, Must Be Strong
And We Must Go On
Cannot Say What We've Known All Along
Her father gently squeezed her hand and smiled at her encouragingly, doing his best to coax his daughter to continue her walk to the podium with normality so as not to give the wrong impression.
She obliged, allowing him to smoothly guide her forward, her mind racing.
James took her hand and stood facing her, he looked paler than usual. She looked at her feet. No one else had seen the figure or was aware that he was there. The feeling she had been trying to suppress surfaced again. The ambiguity returned full force and it brought tears to her eyes.
I will never be free of him.
James, seemingly mistaking them for tears of joy, gently wiped them away and gave her a reassuring smile.
Using the dense foliage in the forest as cover, he carefully weaved in and out between the aged trees in an attempt to gain a better view. His mind was riddled with the fear that somehow, someone would discover him and it would all be over. He was somewhat comfortable with these feelings of dread, for if they were to dissipate, he would be overcome with an even worse but all too familiar emotion. Pain.
Feeling that he was as close as he could safely get, he dared not look but listened intently. He could hear the low saccharine song being emitted from the flowers, though it sounded more like a dirge to him, and the drone of a single voice that seemed miles away. He was now painfully aware that this cataclysmic event was unfortunately not only confined to furthest corners his darkest nightmares. It was real. It was happening.
He could practically see her in his minds eye without having to turn around; her hair ablaze with radiance from the now dominant shade of fiery- red that reigned in the sky as the sunset faded, her white dress flowing delicately around her ankles, her beautiful smile.
He briefly wondered if the evanescent fire of sunset was somehow symbolic. The marriage couldn't possibly last, could it? It would fade eventually. It would dim and ultimately go out wouldn't it? It had to….after all, who could love her as much as he did.
Narrow beams of weak light peeked through the leaves of the trees, temporarily illuminating a flower black in colour that lay on the ground by his feet.
He was unconsciously holding his breath as if every passing moment was causing him immense pain. He tugged at the rim of his high-necked collar, forcing his fingers inside and prying it away from his neck in an effort to breathe more freely as he was now gasping for breath.
He had heard the rumors of a wedding. The excited chatter of an ecstatic wizarding community embracing something as pure as love in these hateful times. And even though he had known something like this was looming-- how could it not be? Lily and James had been together for years, it still hurt to hear about it, and even more, to witness it for himself—he was still not prepared.
As the light eventually faded, so did the voice, and out of curiosity more than anything else, he took a fleeting glance.
The groom took two steps forward, closing the gap between him and his bride. He captured her lips in a kiss that triggered all of the tiny lights that had been strung throughout the surrounding trees, chairs and where ever else they could be strung. This breathtaking effect earned hearty acclamations and numerous awed gasps of delight from the gathering.
Severus looked away, choosing instead to marvel at the number of tiny stars now twinkling in the pale blue sky as twilight rapidly set in. His knees were shaking and the back of his eyes began to burn. Pressing his back as hard as he could against the tree for support, he allowed himself to slide to the leaf covered earth, cradling his head in his hands.
Despite the eventful evening his mind was eerily blank. He thought of nothing. Not because he didn't want to, he simply lacked the strength to. He felt numb as if his insides had been frozen over, and slightly inebriated by the air that was now laden with the scent of flowers, honeysuckle, a tinge of fire whiskey and an assortment of pleasurable laughter and speech.
She had done it. She had married a man whom he loathed with every fiber of his being and he couldn't do anything to stop her. Oh how he hated James Potter , and yet he could not bring himself to feel any bitterness towards her. He could never .He would never. Even at that very moment, if she would but ask, he would willingly give his life for her, without even a second's hesitation.
He felt somewhat sickened by the sound and smells of happiness never to be his own. His mind slipped and he passed into a realm where time was stilled.
How Can I Not Love You
What Do I Tell My Heart
When Do I Not Want You Here In My Arms
How Does One Waltz Away From All Of The Memories
How Do I Not Miss You When You Are Gone
How Can I Not Love You
It was unknown to him how much time had elapsed from the moment he felt his soul die till he was brought back to consciousness by the sound of footsteps cautiously approaching. Judging from the moon's progression to its halfway point in the sky, it must have been a good two hours.
The full moon was always his favorite of the moon's phases. He had always been jealous of its achievement to restore itself and become whole after it was broken continually every month. It was a mocking periodic reminder of his in completion and lack of regenerative strength, to mend his own broken self. It was strange that there was a full moon because there should have been no moon that night.
He slowly and half heartedly fingered the tip of his wand. He was in no frame of mind for a fight but he could not deny the instinct to defend himself. He figured it was probably just an intoxicated guest coming to relieve himself and would not notice him. He did not move, but readied his wand.
He hoped that the person would not spot him between the thick trees. He wanted so much to be alone but whoever it was wasn't going to allow that as they were approaching the spot where he sat.
Slowly rising to his feet, he withdrew his wand and drew in his slender frame so that it was completely concealed by the vast tree trunk. Maybe this intruder could prove useful. After all, he could use a victim to vent the anger that he was slowly forcing himself to generate.
The footfalls stopped and he braced himself for whatever was coming.
"Severus?" The whisper was as soft and delicate as the wind itself but it sent an innumerable amount of chills through his entire being.
"Severu?" the soft voice questioned again with more urgency. "If you're here…. please…. show yourself."
He was stunned. It was her voice. There was no mistaking it. She was calling him.
She…she… came to me. He couldn't help but to feel a little overwhelmed.
His eyes opened wide with shock, his heart thumping wildly in his chest was all he could hear in the sudden silence. The sound of people laughing merrily and dancing wildly in the brilliantly lit marquee back at the reception seemed to have faded into the night.
With considerably more confidence than normal, he pocketed his wand and stepped out of the shadow of the tree to face her. He watched the colour drain from her face and in the pale light from the moon, it shone eerily, making her green eyes more prominent and giving her face a sort of ethereal look. It was curious but she seemed to be wearing a different dress to the one she was wearing earlier. This one appeared silver in colour and glistened slightly every time it caught the moonlight.
She moved slowly toward him, her expression suddenly relaxed and calm.
He shifted when she reached him and they stood only a mere few inches apart. He had wanted a moment like this for a long time. Undisturbed, to share with her, and now that he had it, he couldn't think of a single thing to say. The myriad of things that he had rehearsed seemed to have escaped him. His throat was dry and his tongue felt heavy.
"C-Congratulations." He closed his eyes and cursed himself for sounding so bitter when she recoiled slightly. "I'm sorry," he added quietly.
She lowered her gaze but didn't speak. Severus thought that she was being oddly quiet but he was more than appreciative of her presence. He gently reached for one of her pearl earrings and caressed it tenderly.
"You look lovely," he commented, moving his hand tentatively to lightly brush her cheek. The feel of her skin was soft beneath his trembling hands. She quivered slightly at his touch.
"Severus, I…" she began, but looking up into his face with tear filled eyes, hesitated. He gently placed his index finger on her lips, reached inside his robes, and retrieved a magnificent golden flower with his other hand. She gasped audibly and stared at it in disbelief.
It was a wonderful flower. After many years, it had somehow managed to achieve its purpose. Crumpled and left beneath the bark of the tree to join the earth was its fate no more. This fleeting moment, the height of its existence.
"Our flower…your favorite." By some gift of chance, he couldn't recall seeing any at the wedding, even though they were her favorite.
"Oh. Severus, you remembered." The tears were now pouring freely. She was standing so close to him that he could feel every breath she took, against his chest. He used this proximity to admire the face that he had loved for what felt like an eternity. Every freckle, the tears that leaked down her cheeks… and her emerald eyes; forever burned into his memory.
"Always…." he whispered in a dazed voice. Without warning, he felt her head crash into his chest as she began sobbing shrilly, her tears soaking trough his robes and piercing his skin like hot needles.
"Severus, I'm so sorry," she managed to choke out between frantic sobs. "I never thought t-that it would be this way. You have to understand that. I would have never wanted it to be this way but I do…..I do love him." Her voice was muffled by his thick cloak.
"Lily please…please…don't." His voice didn't sound like his own. It was high-pitched, cracked with the burden of emotion it carried. Soft and poignant, the intended command sounded more like a plea. She inclined her face to look him straight in the eyes.
He was at a loss for words, as he stood mesmerized by her iridescent eyes. She soothingly stroked his hand with her own, when his weakness began to overcome him. He looked past her to the blue-grey clouds that obscured the moon as his lower lip quivered involuntarily and his vision was momentarily blurred.
He felt when her small hand try to take the flower from his but he didn't let go. She caressed the sides of his face; her fingers tracing all the lines that came with worry.
She slowly tiptoed nearer. Bringing her face closer to his with each second. His heart began to beat rapidly and his stomach felt as if tiny winged things were trying to escape. Her soft lips were now pressing his and he fumbled for words.
''Lily," he mumbled. He felt as though his heart would implode at any moment from the rapidity at which it was beating. She was so close to him…touching him…
"Shh, Severus, you're forgiven," she whispered onto his lips, a smile pulling on her own. He emitted a half sob, half laugh, his heart considerably lighter by this.
Must Be Brave, And We Must Be Strong
Cannot Say What We've Known All Along
How Can I Not Love You
What Do I Tell My Heart
When Do I Not Want You Here In My Arms
How Does One Waltz Away From All Of The Memories
How Do I Not Miss You When You Are Gone
How Can I Not Love You
A loud clap of thunder that reverberated in the stone walls of the school made him jump and sent chill through his bones. Wrapping his cloak more firmly against his body from the cold, he rolled over on his side; watching the drops of rain roll down the ancient windows.
He shivered and reached across his chest for the only thing that brought him warmth; a crystallized golden flower, forever immortalized by his own inventive spell. The flower had never accomplished its task.
I will never be free of her.
A tear ran down his pallid cheek and her touched it delicately and closed his eyes, eternally immersed in his fabricated utopia.
(A/N): Virtual cookie to all of ye who figure this out lol. Tyou for reading and those who review thank you oh so much.