I was reading random Bleach fanfics on Quizilla, and found I rather liked most of Ikkaku's. Then I also realized that in almost all of them, the main girl was a member, or transfer in, to Division 11. I can't identify with this girl, I thought. So I came up with this story. I hope you like it ^_^ I had so much fun, it got too long and I had to split it up - and then I decided to put it back together again lol. Oh, the time is vague so it can be almost whenever - while they were at school or if they had come again.

Disclaimer: I doth dis/the claiming of this

I thought for sure I was gonna go crazy - if I wasn't already, that is. The way I was behaving - it most certainly didn't fall under the category of 'normal.' I had been normal, once. I wonder what happened to change that. I didn't know. I just knew that I was losing my mind, and I didn't even know why.

In school, it was the worst. At home, I could almost pretend that I was normal; that nothing was different. My big brother still treated me like a footstool, my dad still laughed at his own corny jokes, and my mother was still the picture of a loving housewife. And me? I was still the shy bookworm.

I first noticed something was off when I came home late from school one day, and my dad, home early for a rare change, asked me why.

"I'm the manager for the kendo team." I told him. My explanation was met with silence all around the kitchen table. "I'm sorry, didn't I tell you?"

My dad looked baffled, but my mom laughed it off with grace. But it was my brother who asked, with a demeaning snort, "Why would you become the manager for the kendo team?"

I went to answer him, and found that my mouth only hung open. I had no answer. Why had I taken the job as kendo team manager? I didn't know. I couldn't remember the reason - I just remember asking for the job. That was also odd. I never volunteered for anything. I kept back, blended in, didn't draw attention to myself. It was hard enough just getting by in school, with how I worked for my average grades. So why did I suddenly, knowing it would cut into what little free time I allowed myself, join on as manager? And for the kendo team? I could see myself with the literature club or something, but kendo?

I asked Kotoha, my best friend. She said she hadn't had a clue. It had seemed weird to her, too, and I hadn't given her an explanation. Heck, I hadn't even told her - she just found out because I went to the practices every day after school. She didn't seem bothered by it, but it bothered me. This behavior wasn't like me.

Kotoha was the one who pointed out some of my other odd behavior - behavior that I hadn't noticed till she turned me on to them. After that, it was so painfully obvious I wondered why I hadn't realized before. I looked up every time I heard a word starting with 'Ma' or 'I.' It was like I was expecting something - or someone - to be there when I heard them. And I would just go back to doing whatever I had been before when nothing seemed to click into place.

Since I looked up when I heard 'Ichigo,' she wondered if I had a crush on Kurosaki-kun. I didn't think I did. No, definitely not. Nice guy, but...nope, nothing. So we just went with the sound 'I,' after a few days of Kotoha noting when I looked up in class. I didn't realize how often I did it until she showed me. It was a bit unsettling. Especially when she pointed out that I tended to stare at an empty desk not far from mine for several minutes at a time. I just stared at it, spacing out.

Why hadn't I noticed I did this before now? Why did I do these things? What was going on with me?

Those things may not seem like a big deal, but all together - and all at once - they started to scare me. So I tried to take notice of anything odd about myself even when Kotoha wasn't around to help. I realized I did pay a bit more attention to Kurosaki-kun, but it wasn't just him. Ishida-kun, Sado-kun, Orihime-chan - I watched the group of them, how they interacted. Something about it...felt wrong. It wasn't just how they seemed to whisper amongst each other, or all be absent at the same time. It was more than that.

Like something was missing.

I really started to worry when I realized, while cleaning up one day after practice, that, more than just know the grips and what the swings were called, when I held a shinai, it felt like I had practiced with it before. That I knew how to use it, not just in theory. I tried to recall if I had ever practiced with one, and I found I had a few times. Alone. Why? Why would I want to learn kendo? And why hadn't I remembered that before now?

Maybe, I thought. Maybe if I continued to do these things, I would remember why I had wanted to do them. So, instead of just being the manager, I joined the kendo team for real. Of course I sucked, but I knew the basics and learned pretty quick until I was proficient. I even asked Tatsuki-chan if she would teach me karate and judo in her spare time. She agreed. I was weak, and went home bruised and beaten often, but I worked hard. I even took up swimming, to build muscle.

My family was baffled by my sudden determination to become not only more fit, but stronger. My brother didn't pick on me near as much anymore. Kotoha, after I explained my plan, supported me. And I worked towards figuring out just what had changed me.

It was during all this that I started to figure out there were weird things in my memories. Stuff that happened that seemed so out of the ordinary, I wondered why I accepted them so readily as fact. I could remember them happening, but it still just didn't seem right. And, sometimes, I could have sworn there was just outright gaps.

The seat I stared at during class. It wasn't the only empty one in the room. It was like...people were missing. The seats started to fill up, of course, but I still stared at that same seat, person in it or not, conscious of my actions or not. Like...someone used to sit there. Someone I watched.

Like a crush.

I'd had crushes before. I'd even had a boyfriend, once, but that hadn't lasted long. Not with my shyness and my evil brother. But it started to make sense if I thought of it that way. If I had had a crush on him, I would have watched him. I would have looked up when someone said his name. I would have joined his club afterschool to be near him. Heck, I might have seriously tried to get into it so I could participate. And the weird memories, that gaps, the 'wrong' feelings I got, even Kurosaki-kun and his group's odd behavior sometimes; it all seemed like a puzzle that I wasn't supposed to put together.

Ok, so I had always been a conspiracy theorist, I admit it. But it just all seemed to fit so well...

So what happened? All these 'missing students' just up and vanished, and our memories had been wiped or something? Yeah right. I really was beginning to sound crazy. Definitely didn't want to tell Kotoha all of this. She wouldn't think I'm crazy, but she'd try to make me see reason, that's for sure.

But, trying to look at it logically - though maybe abstractly so - it fit. And right now, logic was what I had to cling to, because my emotions were just plain too hard to deal with.

All these 'feelings' I had, all the weird things going on - all of them had a strong emotional reaction tied to them. An emotional pain. I felt like, if I didn't figure this out, my heart was going to constrict so tightly in my chest it would never release itself, and the agony would kill me. I had never felt suffering like this before. Whatever was missing from my life was hurting me worse than I'd ever felt, and I didn't even know why.

So it fit that it would have been a boy. It wasn't just a crush. Somehow, with someone, I'd fallen in love. And I was going to find out who, so help me.

Plan one: Infiltrate Kurosaki-kun's group. This was the easy part. I was already training with Tatsuki-chan by this time, so it was only a matter of hanging out with her more - and thus, hanging out with Orihime-chan more, which meant hanging around Kurosaki-kun more.

Three months after I'd first questioned my memories, I was a normal part of Kurosaki-kun's group. Granted, I was closer to Tatsuki-chan and Orihime-chan, but it worked out all the same.

Plan two had been to get more information - like what they whispered about, or why they were all absent at the same time - but that plan became unnecessary quick.

I found myself injured, covered in blood, and fighting an enemy I couldn't see. I can't remember ever being so afraid as I was then. A simple girls' night out at Orihime-chan's had turned into some impossible, bloody war. Suddenly, my wind wipe theory didn't seem so far fetched.

Something hit me in the stomach and I was flung backward against the wall. All that training I had in these past three and a half months, and it was all completely useless against this specter of a foe. And, even though Tatsuki-kun was unconscious from defending us and Orihime-chan was the least injured, she seemed to be suffering the most. That bleeding heart, I guessed.

And then I thought otherwise. She could see it. Whatever it was, Orihime-chan could see it. So could Tatsuki-chan. But they couldn't fight it in front of me - because I wasn't supposed to know.

"Orihime-chan, I know you can see that thing!" I shouted, slumping against the wall. Her eyes widened farther, a feat I had thought impossible for her. "I already know everything, so don't worry about exposing yourself - just fight it! If you can kill it, kill it! I won't tell, so please-"

My head smashed into the wall beside me, and I heard something crack. Was it the plaster, or was it my skull?

But, apparently, Orihime-chan was going to take my advice. "Tsubaki-kun!"

For a battle I couldn't even see, it was still awesome. And when it was over, I demanded an explanation - or I had planned to. Instead, I ended up confessing everything to her. She had healed Tatsuki-chan, who then slept soundly, and listened sympathetically as I cried with every pained word I uttered. How I'd suffered.

Oh, how I'd suffered. And, apparently, that kind of pain was something Orihime-chan knew well.

To watch a man from the side lines, to work up your courage to talk to him even once, to stew late into the night wondering why you felt this way about someone you barely knew, and the drive to know that person better. A pain she knew. A pain which I knew, but couldn't understand. That I could get over, or even just come to terms with - because I knew even less than that. I didn't just fall for someone I barely knew - I fell for someone I could no longer remember. Not one single memory. Not a look, a word, a touch, even a vague reference to him. My love with powered by a gaping, aching, and empty whole in my memories.

And Orihime-chan told me that I had been right. The students who had been there were undercover, fighting these monsters I couldn't see. I when they had finished, everyone's memories had been wiped and replaced.

My mind didn't know why, couldn't place these things - but my body remembered. I had always been a creature of habit, so when my routine had changed to surround this boy I had come to like, my life had changed. No matter what memories they erased and replaced, they couldn't change the routine my body knew, that it had memorized and did reflexively. I had forgotten - but my body remembered.

So I finally got right down to it and asked her. "Then who sat in that seat I stare at?"

Her smile drooped, and I knew what she was going to say before she said it. "I'm sorry, but I can't tell you that. I shouldn't have even told you what I did, but..."

"But you empathized with me." I nodded, not blaming her. It didn't stop the tears from burning a trail down my face, though.

"You should go before the others get here, Miho-chan." She told me quietly. "Or they might change your memories again."

"Got it." I stood up and my eyes fell on Tatsuki-chan's sleeping figure. "Should I take her?"

Orihime-chan shook her head. "No, I'll just say she slept over. But if I say you were here, too, then..."

"They'd change my memories. Got it."

I nodded and thanked her before leaving. It wasn't the first time her house had been torn up, I found, so I slipped out the back so as not to draw attention to myself. And it was a good thing I had - I spotted Sado-kun and Ishida-kun standing out front, looking over the damage and arguing. No, wait. Sado-kun didn't argue. And, upon closer, sneakier, inspection, I found he wasn't. Ishida-kun was yelling at someone who I couldn't see - and after listening for a moment, I realized he was saying 'Kurosaki.' An invisible Kurosaki-kun - how...diturbing. But that didn't surprise me. What did surprise me was when a group of people ran over, and Kurosaki-kun was one of them. But everyone called him 'Kon.'

Something tugged at my memories when I saw these people, and Orihime-chan came out to join them a minute later. I didn't know why, but my gaze kept drifting to an empty place among them. There were a couple of empty places, actually, as if-

As if some people were standing there, invisible. So the place my eyes were drawn to...must have been were he stood. I wondered why, suddenly, everyone was looking at me, and why they were at such a weird angle - and then I realized that my knees had gave out, and I had collapsed in plain view.

"Ah, Miho-chan!" Orihime-chan was the first to respond to my sudden appearance. "Did I not heal all of your wounds?" she cried, rushing over.

When Orihime-chan crouched down in front of me, I shook my head and said in a low voice. "I know he's here. I can feel him."

"Ah!" Orihime-chan balked, but then her face softened. Frowned, but softened. "...Yes, he's here."

I laughed lightly. "I bet, back at school, he didn't even know I existed."

She didn't know what to say to that, and I knew she couldn't deny it. And then the others stepped up. People I didn't recognize. But the first thing I did was smile up at them all and ask, "If Kurosaki-kun is invisible right now, what's up with this Kon guy, who looks like him?"

"Wha-? What do you mean, Miho-chan?" Kon asked with obvious nervousness. "I'm Kurosaki-kun."

I shook my head. "No, Ishida-kun was talking to Kurosaki-kun before you got here, and everyone called you Kon."

Worried looks were exchanged around the group, and Orihime-chan stood up, smiling and rubbing her head. "Sorry guys, she kinda knows everything."

"WHAT?!" The whole group shouted, practically in unison. I laughed again, but my eyes found themselves staring at a gap in the crowd around me again. After a moment, everyone turned to look at the same spot. It seemed like he'd noticed my staring and pointed it out, because then Orihime-chan was trying to cover for me. I guess she could hear him as well as see him, unlike me.

"Ah, Miho-chan can sense your spirit energy a bit, since Madurame-kun was so pumped for a fight."

Madurame-kun. My breathe caught in my throat as I registered that that was his name. The man I loved was called Madurame-kun.

I was slightly ignored after that. Orihime-chan helped me up and the others, a bit away, kept slapped eachother in the back of the head, causing them to spit up a small gumball. They all kept these gumballs, for reasons unfathomable to me. But when the tall, bald one of the group spit out his gumball, I suddenly couldn't take my eyes off him.

Orihime-chan seemed to notice. "Ah, Madurame-kun is back inside his body now. The candy they coughed up was a replacement personality while they were gone."

She looked at me like she expected me not to understand, or to question her more, but I didn't. I didn't care - well, except for one thing. "Orihime-chan, what's Madurame-kun's first name? Its starts with an 'I' sound, right?"

She seemed shocked that I knew that, but then remembered what I'd told her earlier and nodded. "Ikkaku."

"Madurame Ikkaku-kun." It felt wonderful to say his name, and I knew I was crying again, even though my face showed only wonder. But saying 'kun' with 'Ikkaku' sounded weird, so I tried again. "Madurame Ikkaku-san."

I nodded to myself. Yeah, that flowed better.

"He's a swordsman, then? That's why he was on the kendo team? He fights those monsters with a sword?"

"They all fight with swords, initially - except Ishida-kun and Sado-kun and I. But Madurame-kun wasn't on the kendo team, he just went there a lot to fight with people." She smiled a bit, laughing. "He got bored easy, I think. Madurame-kun is a real fighter, he enjoys it very much. He's very strong."

"Ah, so that's why I joined the kendo team, and wanted to learn it." Any further questions were cut off as Kurosaki-kun ran over.

"We should head to Geta Boshi's place, and ask him what to do with her." He pointed to me. "The captain and vice captain's are a bit torn over it, looks like, since you said she knew even before the attack."

"Geta Boshi?" my questioning look was met with Orihime-chan's smile.

"Kurosaki-kun's nickname for Urahara-san, who runs the shop that sells the temporary personalities, as well as other things."

So, we headed to "Geta Boshi's." I stuck close to Orihime-chan, who in turn stuck close to Kurosaki-kun. Which was fine with me, because Madurame-kun seemed to be sticking close to him as well. I was practically invisible to him, of course. But not to everyone, I soon discovered.

"Why do you keep staring at Ikkaku?"

Almost everyone turned to look at me as the enormously busted woman wrapped her arms around my shoulders, she being considerably taller than me, and asked with glee. I didn't really want to have this conversation, as I could feel my face heating up, but I figured that part of the truth was probably the quickest way to get this over with. So, despite my rising embarrassment, I said plainly, "Well, I guess it's cause he's pretty good looking, you know?"

My honestly made the woman's face go blank, and the weird guy with shoulder length black hair and strange, multi-colored appendages sticking out of his eyebrow, started to laugh. "What is wrong with this town? We come here and suddenly, women throw themselves at you, Ikkaku!"

"Women are throwing themselves at him?" I couldn't help but ask, my voice a bit higher and more violent than I'd intended.

"Two women expressing an interest in me is not the same thing as what you just said!" Madurame-kun snapped.

"Do you have a bald fetish, too - like the other girl?" The weird, mutli-colored appendage man asked me with a grin.

Something inside me snapped, I think. I pulled out my pocket knife, which had served me in no way during the earlier battle, and did something stupid and unlike me. I gabbed a chunk of the back of my hair and started to hack away at it like a mad man.

I managed to cut most of it off, as well and slice my hand a few times, before an angry looking, short girl with black hair jumped up and pried it from my hands, using my back to plant her feet and her body's momentum to yank the knife away.

"What was that about?!" She barked at me. "You hurt yourself, you idiot!"

I stared down at her, and then brought up my hand to examine it. It was bleeding and it hurt, but it made me feel better already. Grinning, I brought my hand over to Madurame-kun. I was still clutching my hair.

"Here. Make yourself a wig. That solves two of my problems."

He stared at me like I was nuts, and it made me giggle.

"And those problems would be?" The large busted woman asked me.

I turned to her, still smiling, and replied: "Freaky eyebrows can't say I have a bald fetish, and the women who does have a bald fetish won't want him anymore."

By the time we got to 'Urahara-san's' shop, amble-busted woman had introduced herself as Matsumoto Rangiku, and had taken a great liking to me. Freaky eyebrows, now known as Yumichika, was torn between being mad about the eyebrows comment and wanting to tease me more. Madurame-kun hadn't said much, and I was still carrying my severed hair. The girl who had taken my knife, Rukia, was refusing to return it, and the short, white haired boy who'd barely spoken was introduced to me as Hitsugaya by Rangiku-san. The last one, the red head with the pony tail, was Renji, and he stuck to Kurosaki-kun, muttering about 'the crazy girl with the hair.'

Urahara-san seemed to take Orihime-chan's version of my story with good humor. He said he'd gladly keep an eye on me, so he saw no reason why my memories need be changed. Hitsugaya-kun, who was surprisingly the highest ranking 'officer' there, took some convincing, but finally agreed. Mostly thanks to Rangiku-san.

So, I was officially employed at Urahara's shop, where I was also educated thoroughly about Soul Society and Shinigami. And I was just dandy with that, because it meant that when Madurame-kun was in town, he had to come by.

Rangiku-san came to visit often, too, and had fixed up my hair for me. Short in back, really long in front, and I normally took the front and brushed it back into a ponytail. I enjoyed the style, the lightness of it, and the freedom it gave me, while still being adorable - but not too adorable. I was beginning to enjoy my new identity as a tomboy.

I kept up kendo as well, hoping to attract Madurame-kun, of course. He hadn't really taken to liking or disliking me, and I supposed that was a good thing, considering what had happened the first day we'd 'met.' I still don't think he recognizes me from school.

We talked when he came in. He smiled normally, ruffled my hair sometimes, and even gave me a few pointers when he caught me practicing kendo with a broom. Things were normal between us. I didn't get all mushy or red when I talked with him. It was like he was just a friend - at least, on the outside. I was fine with that, though. The blossoming heat in my chest every time he smiled wasn't something I felt the need to broadcast. Especially now that I was allowed to call him Ikkaku-san.

But Rangiku-san and Orihime-chan still asked about my 'progress' with Ikkaku-san from time to time. Even Yumichika-san, when he stopped in - which was almost every time Ikkaku-san did, curse it all - would ask, though he did tend to broadcast it more than just ask. I learned to brush it off coolly - something I think Ikkaku-san appreciated. The affections of women didn't seem to be something high on his priorities list.

But fighting was, that much I knew. I didn't realize how much, however, until his captain came calling one day.

Zaraki Kenpachi was a beast. There was no other word for it. The man towered over me and grinned like the devil. And, for some reason, that made me smile despite the fear and sweat. Zaraki-san's power was exhilarating. And the small, pink haired girl on his shoulder didn't seem to take away from that at all, surprisingly. Yachiru-san was his vice-captain, so from the get go she had my utmost respect as well.

I think that was the best judgment call I ever made, because when Ikkaku-san came by later, we hit it off when the subject of his superiors was approached. "Yeah, I couldn't believe it! Just standing in Zaraki-san's shadow made me feel like I could take on the world - or at least have a blast trying!"

Ikkaku-san replied with equal enthusiasm. "I know! I would never want to be in any other division! I want to gain more power and serve under Zaraki-san always!"

"And even Yachiru-san!" I clenched my fists in front of me, broom still in hand. "Such as small girl, but so powerful! She's inspiring! Gender, age, height - it all means nothing in battle! Only power!"

"Exactly!" Ikkaku-san agreed, also clenching his fists in excitement. "The thrill of battle! That's what it's all about!"

I started laughing suddenly, and he sent me a glaring look. "What?"

"I was just thinking," I scratched my head abashedly. "How I used to be such a bookworm, and now I'm here talking about the greatness of power, and the thrill of the battle! Things have changed a lot in the past five months for me, it's hard to believe!"

"You were a bookworm?" He asked skeptically.

"You don't remember me?" I asked playfully. I was long over this fact. After all, I didn't technically remember him, either. "We went to school together, in Kurosaki-kun's class. I sat two seats behind you and to the right. I even joined the kendo team as the manager so I could watch you kick their butts!"

"Seriously?" He asked, scratching his head - which was funny, since he had no hair. "...I think I do remember you. Pre haircut, and I caught you practicing when no one was around and gave you tips - kinda like I did when I caught you with the broom!" He said, smacking his fist into his palm with satisfaction. "Yeah, and you always brought me a towel after I worked out, and bandages too. I usually brushed you off cause I didn't like to have people coddle me."

I grinned at him, trying to picture what he was saying in my mind. ...yeah, I could easily see my dorky self doing all those things, just to be near him. I was sad like that.

"But..." Ikkaku-san looked at me oddly. "When we left, everyone's memories of us were erased. How do you remember that?"

I grinned at his confusion. "I don't, not really. I just know that I realized one day I had joined the kendo club, and didn't know why. So I started investigating from there."

And, oddly enough, I told Ikkaku-san my story. The true, whole one that no one knew but Orihime-chan. It was definitely more than I had intended to tell him, and by the time I was done, we were both sitting on the ground and the sky was growing dark. And that was how I confessed to Ikkaku-san that I was in love with him. Really, really in love with him. Throughout the streams of time in love with him.

It was quiet when I finished, and though I had managed not to start crying, I was still worried I might have creeped him out. Not only had I managed to fall in love with him while he barely knew I existed, I had had my memories erased and still held onto my feelings. Kinda...stalker-ish, wasn't it? "Er...sorry if this is all kinda weird. I don't really expect anything..."

Ikkaku-san bent forward, his hand rubbing the back of his head as he seemed to think. His arms also successfully cast a shadow over his face, where a moment ago I could have sworn I'd spotted a hint of red. "Yeah...that's all just...well...yeah...um..."

I laughed a little, his flustered manner being extremely cute for such a spirited fighter. "Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to weird you out, honest - or guilt trip you or nothing. Things are cool between us, right?"

Ikkaku-san glanced up at me, and seemed to decide to leave it at that. "Yeah, we're cool."

And that was that, I thought, wondering how many bandages I would have to have taken out of my paycheck to use to hold my broken heart together. But at least we were still friends. That meant I still had hope for someday, whether anybody else thought so or not.

Rangiku-san had a fit when I told her (well, when I told Orihime-chan, and Rangiku-san eaves dropped, then burst in with a huff of indignation and a hug of sympathy). "You should have played your cards, girl! Guilt, devotion, assets - you have them for a reason. WORK THEM!"

"I'm not trying to guilt the guy into a date, or seduce him for a one night's stand, or definitely not get a restraining order put on me, Rangiku-san." I sighed, leaning back against the wall.

Orihime-chan laughed nervously at Rangiku-san's outburst. She, I knew, understood where I was coming from. I was about to ask her if she'd made any progress with Kurosaki-kun, when Rangiku-san made another outburst. Standing up abruptly, she jabbed her finger down at me. "If you want him bad enough, you should claim him! It's like a battle!"

"Battle?" Immediately, stupidly, the word drew me in - just like she knew it would.

"Yes! To win the fight you must win his heart!"

My enthusiasm left almost as fast as it had arrived. "I don't want to win his heart - I want him to give it to me."

"Ah." Rangiku stopped, fist clamped in the air, as the enthusiasm seemed to leave her, too. Then she turned to the door behind her. "It's not locked, you know. How long are you planning to stand there, eaves dropping, hm?"

To my horror, Ikkaku-san slid the door open and stepped in, giving Rangiku-san an evil glare that I shared. "Shut up."

"I'm going to apologize for what ever you heard before this blows up anymore." I said, raising my hands before me in defense.

Ikkaku-san was a little red, but otherwise unphased. "It's fine." He had to have known, after what I told him, that I wasn't going to give up that easily.

"Aw, you know you're flattered!" Yumichika-san said, stepping in behind Ikkaku-san and patting him on the shoulders.

Ikkaku-san brushed him off coolly, only slightly red, and didn't comment on the accusation. "Where's Urahara?"

A short conversation later, and everyone had taken off - even Orihime-chan had to go home. Test to study for. Why she still tried to keep up with homework with all the crap she had to do for Soul Society, I don't know. My grades had slipped slightly, and I didn't give a rip. Another testament of the new me.

While Kotoha and I were still friends, she had a new group that she hung out with, as did I. In these past months, we had drifted apart. Surprisingly, my brother and I had gotten closer. Apparently he liked to brag on his kick butt kid sister. Mom had accepted my new life with a smile and a warning to keep my grades up. Dad seemed slightly disturbed at my change, and had questioned me at every occasion in the beginning. Lately, he had settled with the fact that he seemed to have two sons - though one notably more attractive - with only a few sighs now and again. My life had changed so much, yet it was still lived from day to day.

Revolving around Ikkaku-san, of course. The catalyst, as I liked to think of him. I'd asked a few times for my old memories back - asked Rukia-san mostly, because Hitsugaya-san tended to ignore my existence and Renji-kun and Rangiku-san's word didn't appear to hold much weight in Soul Society - but I had so far been denied. Too busy to worry about such trivial matters, I had been told. Yes, my memories of falling in love and the suffering that caused me was trivial to them. Of course, they didn't know that that was what my memories were to me, and I didn't want to tell them. I got the feeling that a human falling for a Shinigami was frowned upon, no matter how Rangiku-san encouraged me.

So I was seated out front again, broom over my knees, head in hands, sighing when Ikkaku-san popped up next to me. "Sup?"

I grinned up at him. "What, Soul Society decide you weren't strong enough to be allowed back in?"

His grin held only a small bit of annoyance. "Oh, funny, Miho! Says the girl that couldn't beat a lowest seat in the fourth division even if they were gagged and hogtied!"

"Hey!" I barked back. "She had a sword!"

He stared at me like he didn't get it for a moment, then he pulled me into a fierce noogie. "Oh, funny, short stuff!"

I could take the noogie - heck, I could take a thousand noogies - for the feeling that shot through my body to feel myself in his arms and against his chest, even if I could practically smell the smoke rising from my raw skull. He smelt like sweat and flowers, and I blamed that last part on Yumichika-san's perfume. Jeez, the guy was practically a girl sometimes, I'd swear, except he could kick my butt to Pluto and back.

I played along with the game, though, so it wouldn't get weird. The last thing I wanted was for Ikkaku-san to feel like there needed to be a 'no physical contact' policy when dealing with me. "Alright, alright, I got it, I got it! Ha-ha!"

I mock pushed Ikkaku-san off, and he let go easily, putting up his hands in defense. That's when I picked up the broom and pulled it on him, wielding it like a sword. His grin widened as he seemed to like this idea, and he kicked up a thick stick from the ground to be his weapon of choice.

I don't think Ikkaku-san had had a day of formal sword training in his life. I had better technique than he did, sure, but he didn't even seem to care that technique existed. He swung at any opening he could get, no matter what, even shifting his stance or grip in order to take advantage of any weakness. He was wild, unpredictable, and glorious.

And he had me pinned to the store's wall, his 'sword' to my throat, after barely a few minutes. While he was barely even working up a sweat, I was panting slightly and drenched, but I was smiling ear to ear. Even backed against the wall, I couldn't take my eyes of the fire in Ikkaku-san's own. Even with someone as weak as me, he was still having fun.

Yumichika-san had told me, in one of his more friendly moments, that Ikkaku-san normally wouldn't spar with those weaker than him. He had told him it was boring. He always complained when he had to train new recruits - and he never went easy on them.

It made me wonder if I was special. We sparred a lot like this. He always seemed to enjoy himself, and I knew he was holding back. So why didn't he complain? It was enough to send a girl in love's mind reeling with hopes.

My smile must have started to slip, because Ikkaku-san asked, "What's wrong?"

I forced to grin back in place and shrugged it off. "You know, maybe I just get sick of loosing all the time."

He didn't look like he believed me. Darn, I had thought I was getting really good at lying lately.

Suddenly, Ikkaku-san went slightly red across the nose and cheeks. He lowered his arms and backed up a tad quicker than necessary. Feeling more than a little hurt, I rolled my eyes. "Look, I don't have cooties, alright?"

"Tch! I know that, stupid!"

"Who's the stupid one?" I countered, still a bit ruffled.

"Look, I'm sorry alright?" he snapped back, biting down and lowering his chin. "It's just...I forget, sometimes, that you're a girl...and that you like me."

"And that matters how?" I asked bitterly. "We were sparring, Ikkaku-san. I wasn't trying to feel you up or undress you with my mind."

"I know that! It's just...a little weird when I get too close, or when you get that look and stuff..."

Not having the slightest clue what he meant, I dug deeper. "What look?"

He scratched his cue ball head and his hand moved to his neck as he spoke more. "Well, you get that look in your eyes like you can't see anything but me. And it's like all your movements become lazier and more pronounced - even when you breath! It's weird to me!"

I took that statement in carefully. "Doesn't that just mean you're become more aware of me - as a woman? So it's not me, it's you who's making it weird?"

"Er...hadn't thought about it like that."

"So, being around me when you feel like that - how does that make you feel, exactly?" I pressed, suddenly inspired.

His answer was quick. "Like I want to barf."

I laughed. "Thank you so much."

"Not like that, I mean! It's not a bad feeling, really, just...weak. It makes me feel weak. In the stomach, in the legs. It's...weird!" he finished, giving up on finding another adjective.

"That sounds like..." It was my turn to be self conscious, and my arms crossed behind my back without me telling them to. "You like me."

"!" Ikkaku-san stared at me in shock before objecting vehemently. "No way! Isn't liking someone supposed to make you stronger? So you can protect them?"

"It affects different people different ways. Embarrassment usually comes first, though. And that queasy feeling. Took me a while to get used to. Then being around you just made me happy all the time." I shrugged, loving the confusion I was putting him through. I stepped closer. "Tell me when you hit that stage, ok? I look forward to it."

"This...can't be right..." Ikkaku-san still looked red but unconvinced, so I stepped even closer - uncomfortably so - and when I spoke, I moved my face up his neck to look at him. And I made that movement very slowly, just like how I made my voice.

"How does...this...make you feel, I-kka-ku-san?"

The breath he let out was a shudder. When he looked down at me, he wasn't red anymore, and his eyes were wide and ablaze. "Holy crap."

I giggled, and Ikkaku-san lowered his face to mine, taking my lips with uncertainty but controlling force. He knew what he wanted now, he just wasn't used to wanting it. His kiss was not gentle, and I didn't mind that one bit. It kept me from completely melting on the spot.

When he let go, he looked at me oddly. "Ok, I might like you."

"I gathered that."

He took on a thoughtful expression. "I could get used to this."

"I would like that."

"Can you do that thing with my neck again?"

I grinned and jumping back, swinging my broom forward. "Only if you can catch me."

When he returned my grin, I felt a chill go down my spine - and it had nothing to do with fear.