Letters of Hope

by aya-lei

Each time one died, another one would be chosen to be deserted. Not just one child. It can be up to 13 children at once. For the ones who are chosen to be isolated, life is just an empty black. Yumi Sohma was one of them... and so was Yuki Sohma.

I was alone in the dark room, again. I ate in it, I learned in it, I slept in it. I hated it. I had never been outside before.

I had never seen anything except for the shadows in the corners, the coldness of the room, the small light from the windows and the occasional visitor. But like I said, it was only the occasional visitor.

My teacher told me stories of a marvelous thing called the sun. She also told me about cherry blossom trees, flowers, birds and water that stretched out for miles. She told me a lot of things. I accepted these things openly, as if I was a puzzle and my teacher was piecing up all the missing pieces.

I was always fascinated by these stories, not because I was dumb, and not because I was blind. I was curious about everything that went on in the Outside World. Anything absolutely anything. I didn't care what it was as long as I knew about the Outside World as long as I knew what happened out there. I was partly content.

Akito-san told me it was boring outside and there were many hardships. No matter what he told me, I always wanted to take even the littlest peep outside. To look at the roses and to listen to the birds singing. But every time my teacher opened the door to go outside again, all I could see was another door.

Why were they locking me up like this? What was the point of it? I always asked myself these questions. They bothered me and neither Akito-san nor my teacher ever answered them. Akito-san always told me that it was for my own good.

Was there a weakness I had that I never knew? Akito-san always told me he was trying to protect me. Even if I was confined he would still protect me, he would still visit me and talk to me. I would never be neglected again.

Funnily, I never remembered being neglected by anyone. As far back as my memory goes, I could only remember this room. Nothing had changed. Nothing at all…

My days were boring, with little to do, but only to sit there and stare at the darkness surrounding me. But when my teacher came to teach me, I found that I was very happy. This didn't please Akito-san. I have no idea why. I though he wanted to protect me, to stop me from being sad. I guess I was wrong. Like always.

Two days a week, or so my teacher told me, I would be alone. Those were the longest days I had ever knew. Bound to the darkness by the forever-hovering shadows, I was surprised that they had not already pulled me down into its depths. I guess my curiosity was keeping them away.

When the servants brought me food I would jump up from where I was sitting to greet them. I didn't care if they were servants. They were people who talked and listened to me. That was enough for me to like them more than Akito-san.

But they were always very careful to close the first door firmly before opening my door. I would have begged them for the key to the doors if they had not been so nice.

But their visits pleased me, sometimes they would tell me about the main house. It was they who told me about the other children who lived here also. Why had I not heard them laugh before?

Akito-san visited me every so often. He told me things I sometimes refused to believe. But I had to. I could not tell if he was telling the truth or not.

But my curiosity grew, when one of the servants had a very long chat with me and dropped her key in her haste to get back to the kitchens. This day was also New Years Eve.

There was great commotion outside. Akito-san seemed busier than usual, even Hatori-san came less. Hatori-san had come from time to time to check if I was still healthy. I was in perfect condition, despite the fact that I was cooped up all the time.

I had opened the inner door, and was waiting by the main door, the door which I could open and see what it was really like outside. I peeped out and saw lots of people. Okay. Only twelve people and Akito-san. Two of them were wearing special garments. The others were only wearing kimonos.

Each person bowed to Akito-san before entering the other room. Two of them, who were around my age, said something about a banquet. I was surprised. They were allowed to go and I wasn't?

Soon, only two were left outside. A little girl around my age and an older boy with violet eyes. The little girl was fidgeting and the older boy was calming her down. Kisa-chan he called her. Kisa… Soon she was called in and it left him outside.

I watched him for a long time studying his garments. They were rich in color and had fine prints sewn on it in silk. I had never seen something as pretty as that garment. But them all I ever saw was Akito-san's yukata, my teacher's kimono and the servants' clothing. I didn't know what to call them.

There was music. Soft and slow music. And it seemed that everyone's attention was on something, or someone. There were soft taps on the ground in perfect timing to the music. A dance I guessed. Kisa-san was dancing.

I closed my eyes and listened to the soft rhythmic music coming out from the room. I had never heard music before. I had learned about it. But I had never actually heard it. Now that I heard it, I loved it. My head bobbed slightly and I could imagine Kisa-san dancing inside the room.

After a few more minutes the boy turned around and looked at me. I tried to hide but it was too late. He looked as if he was going to come over when Hatori-san came to the door to get him. Hatori-san saw the boy glancing in my direction and he saw me too. I was going to get a big telling off.

I was alone in my room again. It had been weeks since I had seen those people and Akito-san had been mad. I had been told over and over again that I was useless and I was a troublemaker. I had begun to loose hope.

My head was spinning and insults screamed at me from inside my head forcing me to hunch into a small ball. The world would be better without me. The only reason I was alive was because of Akito-san. I was stupid and I was ugly. I was the reason that agony existed.

Again and again these words were repeated from the harsh mouth. Again and again I heard it. But each time it got worse and worse.

I no longer paced around my room, searching every nook and cranny for a place to see even a tiny peep of the outside world. I stopped trying to look outside when the teacher opened and closed the doors.

When my teacher came, she was more distant, no more stories, just quiet lessons. Reading, writing. No more laughter or questions about the outside world. I think Akito-san had hit her. She had a red hand mark over he left cheek. I never knew Akito-san could do that. It looked very sore and her eyes were red and puffy. I felt sorry for her, but I never got the chance to tell her. It was my fault she had all those bruises.

When the servants came in, I no longer talked to them. I was scared that I would hurt them. Just like everybody else I hurt. Akito-san would surely punish them if I put one more toe out of line. I didn't want them to get hurt because of something I did. So every time they came in all I did was sit there and stare into space.

I hardly slept now. I spent nights awake laying in bed the darkness pressing in closer and closer. I couldn't sleep no matter hoe hard I tried. Akito-san's harsh words stung me but I wouldn't show him that I was weak. I couldn't and I wouldn't. I refused.

Each time I closed my eyes Akito-san's face came into my mind. Words tumbling out of his mouth- a stream of never ending insults. But when I opened my eyes again darkness surrounded me. Now, even the light from the windows seemed smaller. The shadows grew pulling me hungrily down into the darkness. Cold hands and cold words. Words of hatred slowly tugging the life out of me.

For weeks I endured this. For weeks I finally knew why Akito-san was the only person who had pitied me. I put everyone I knew into danger… and Akito-san was the danger.

Then it came. A letter, slotted neatly into the corner of the door. I crawled over by the window, where there was the most light. I could only faintly make out the words.

To the girl who is trapped,

I know how you feel. I was once trapped too. But don't be afraid and don't be sad because I will always send these letters to you. You're not alone in that darkness. Although I don't always live in the darkness, I was imprisoned once too. Don't start moping and believe in what you think is right. Akito is not always right.

I hope you reply,

Yuki Sohma

I felt happy again. A light that was long forgotten inside of me had awoken. Someone other than Hatori-san, Akito-san, the servants and my teacher knew of my existence and they were willing to spend the time to write to a girl trapped in a dark room.

That person was a Sohma too. He must have been one of the other kids who lived on the other side. Maybe he would be able to take me to meet them. Maybe he would let me meet Kisa-san. She looked nice. And maybe the boy with the purple eyes. Or any of the other kids who lived here.

Trembling I grabbed some paper and wrote back.

To Sohma-san,

I'm very happy that you are able to send me letter. I'm very happy that you do. I would give nearly anything to go and meet you. For one who has also been trapped in the darkness, and never seen the light, you must know how I feel every day and every night. My heart almost breaks, when I hear what's outside. The birds and the trees- darkness no light. I want to know how you escaped, how you got to see the light. Because if I knew how, I know that you'll be right. Akito-san is scary. He tells me nobody cares. About a little girl like me, one who lives in the darkness.

Yumi Sohma

I wanted to know how I could send it to him. How he could read it without Akito-san finding out. For hours I pondered on how to deliver a message to a person I had never seen of heard of before. Where did he live? Did he live close? Does he live in the estate? So many questions but no one to answer them.

So I told one of the servants to give it to him. I wanted to see his writing and to hear more about the outside world. He could tell me the stories my teacher had never finished telling me. He could tell me about the other kids who lived here. There were so many newly found possibilities.

For months we continued doing this writing letters. He was my teacher that I couldn't see. He taught me more than my teacher taught me because he had actually felt and done what her taught me. He was understanding and patient, willing to listen to my boring day-to-day life.

I kept his letters in a special place where Akito-san would surely not find them. I didn't want him to find them. I didn't want to put the boy in danger. Not again. It just couldn't happen again. The people who were really nice to me had suffered enough. I didn't want to be the reason that their life was miserable. I had to keep him a secret. My secret. My very first secret.

The word sounded strange. I had never had a secret before. What would happen if Akito-san found out? Would he know the boy? I answered that question for myself. Of course he would know the boy. The boy was a Sohma. Akito-san was the head of the Sohma clan. Of course he would know the boy. That meant I had to keep the secret well. Very well…

Yumi-san

How are you? The strawberries are ripe now. A deep red color. I wish you were here to see them. Strawberries are my favorite fruit. I have a feeling you would enjoy them too. Shigure nearly ate the whole lot. Like I told you. He eats very quickly. How are your days? Are you allowed out yet? I hope Akito has not done anything wrong to you. I will be visiting the main house soon. Maybe I will be able to stop by and slip in a few strawberries. You will enjoy them.

Yuki Sohma

Strawberries. He describes them so well. I have never had strawberries before. I only had apple. So simple. Everything about my life was simple. Yuki sounded like he had a lot to deal with looking after his strawberries. That's only one of his letters. It was a short one too. The longest one was so long it took me days to read it. It was the second letter he sent me. The light did not shine in my room long enough.

Yumi-san

As you requested, I will make a long letter with description for you. Do not worry. It will not hassle me much.

Tohru Honda is a girl who lives with us now. I never actually noticed her at school before but now I find that she is very interesting. She also makes our house not look like a dump. Akito does not like her much but can't do much about it. That's what Shigure said. I refuse to believe him. I know Akito would do whatever in his power to get rid of Honda-san. That's why we take extra good care of her.

There is also something called the Prince Yuki fan club. Yes, I do think that they are crazy. My own fan club… how strange. What's so special about me? People only see me as the hard shell I am. Nobody can seem to break through the shell to the inside of me. The true me. But that's enough blabbering about me. I'll tell you more about me when we possibly meet.

There are many Sohmas but I will only tell you the ones I know very well. Kyou Sohma. He is my competition. Everyday we fight. Do not worry. It does not hurt neither of us much. It only hurts Kyou's pride. But he has learned to get over it quickly. He has bright orange hair. Some girls in my class call him Orange Top. He does not like that very much.

Hastuharu Sohma is a very interesting character. He has many different personalities and you never know which one he will go in next. He has black and white hair. It is natural. Please don't be surprised. He has what we call black and white Haru. Haru is his nickname we gave him. Hastuharu is too long to say every time. Black Haru is very dangerous. He goes crazy and starts destroying things. You do not want to see a black Haru ever. The only way we can calm him down is by using me unfortunately. He seems to only listen to me. I still have not quite worked out why. White Haru is his normal self. Worrying about others. But you'll get used to it after a while.

Momiji Sohma is half German. His mother is German and his father is Japanese. It is very interesting to hear him speak because he mixes German with his Japanese. I know quite a lot of German words now thanks to him. When you see him, the first impression of him is… is he a girl? Don't be fooled by his cuteness and random outbursts. He is a boy. Always bubbly and energetic, he never knows when to stop. But he is very nice. He comes around every day to visit us. It's very nice to have him around. I'm sure you'll really like him.

Kagura Sohma also has really different and lets say weird personalities. She displays her love for Kyou by beating him up and choking him to death. Don't worry, he is used to this treatment. Otherwise she is very sweet and caring to others. She loses her temper easily and loves being complimented. So you know at least one thing to say if you get on her nerves.

Kisa Sohma is really really cute. Haru loves her. He is always looking out for her. She is still young but knows a lot. She seems to be able to pick up on your feelings easily so if you say you are happy when you are actually sad, she'll pick up on it right away. She also has a strong sense of doing what's right. Everyone goes soft around her. A few years ago, she got bullied and ran away. We found her all right but we're still boosting her self-confidence. She's around your age too so you'll probably make great friends.

Hiro Sohma. He's very full of himself. Thinks highly of himself. He acts more like an adult than I do! But then he is no fun. He is also a big softie when it comes to Kisa but that's because he likes her. He thinks his mother is blank. He also thinks that a lot of the things we do are babyish. Otherwise he is still very nice. If Kisa is beside him that is.

Ayame Sohma. I would prefer not to get onto that particular topic. He is my older brother and has long silver hair. He does not know when someone is happy or sad. All he knows is 'Look there is a cute girl! I want to make clothes for her!' my brother has a clothes shop and he makes the most outrageous clothing styles. He thinks I need him by my side every second of every day. I need quite the opposite actually.

Hatori Sohma. He's our personal doctor he seems to always have to check up on Akito and me. I have poor lungs. He is very nice and is the only person who can control my brother. If I see my brother I should have a fake coughing fit that way my brother will leave me in peace. He can be very strict but if you look past his strict face you can see that he has a soft spot too.

Shigure Sohma. That old pervert. Always thinking about girls in bikinis. Can you believe that? And he seems to think that he is doing nothing wrong! He loves to make jokes and most of them are very bad. They are not even the slighted bit funny. He calls you a little flower. Pervert…

Rin Sohma. Well we call her Rin anyways. She is pretty but very mysterious. She likes to confine in herself. I don't know why. She gets her own way nearly all the time and she likes to wear skimpy clothing and very high high heels. You'll just have to use a lot of your patience on her. But it's not that hard after a while. You'll just have to get used to it.

Ritsu Sohma is one weird person. He dresses like a girl. He says he feels more comfortable with woman clothes. He says sorry too much and seems to think he is a burden to everyone. He can be easily be mistaken for a girl. Much like me I regret to say. Say one little thing wrong in front of him and he'll go absolutely crazy. Shigure thinks he knows Ritsu's weak spot. Poking him just under the armpit. It's actually quite easy because when he gets all frantic his hands wave around like crazy in the air.

But then one day the letters stopped coming but I didn't loose hope just yet. He must have been busy not to be able to send them to me. I waited and waited. Then waited some more. I fidgeted and waited by the door.

A year went by and my hope flew away like a leaf caught in a breeze. He wasn't writing anymore not to a girl trapped in a dark room. Hot tears pricked my eyes, for the first time that I could remember. I let them drop freely towards the floor, staining my kimono with my tears. He had told me about this emotion. It was called sadness. I was feeling… sad.

Another year went by and I seemed to have lost my voice. I didn't talk much, only when necessary. I hadn't smiled since the time the letters stopped coming. I hadn't laughed, I hadn't cried, just sat there confused and hurt pain piercing through my heart. But I didn't tell anyone nor did I do anything about it. I just sat there all on the own in my little world of darkness.

Hatori-san was worried now. I could tell. He tried to make me talk; he tried to make me laugh. It was as if a part of me had disappeared with the boy who wrote me letters. He always had new ideas and stories that made me laugh. Hatori-san had seen one of my letters, but he didn't say much.

Akito-san seemed pleased. He didn't make me talk. He loved watching me sit there and do nothing at all. A blank face with no emotions, eyes unseeing. Was this the outcome he had wanted all along?

Then Hatori-san came back, when it wasn't check up day. He had in his hand a letter. A letter for me. Without a word he gave it to me and a torch too. Then he left the room and left me sitting there.

For a while I just sat there, taking in what had just happened. Then slowly with trembling hands, I opened the letter and switched the torch on. It was the same handwriting as the letters from two years ago. I felt tears prick my eyes once more as I started reading the letter.

They say you are useless

They say you are bad

They say you are naughty

They make you really sad

But is this what you want?

Is this what you need?

Is there some other way

You can set yourself free?

Don't give up hope

And don't start to mope

Because I know you are right

And what ever you want

Don't let their words bite

And make you all sad

Because I'll always be here

Right here in your mind

As long as you don't forget me

I'll back you up from behind.

So go and set yourself free

Do whatever you want

Just don't lock yourself up

Don't do anything wrong

I wish you good luck

I wish you the best

And I hope that your mind

Can finally have some rest.

A key fell out of the letter, and I knew what I had to do. Holding it in my hands, just like two years ago. But this time was different I could set myself free; I knew what I was doing. I opened the doors and I ran like crazy to the other side of the huge house because I knew that someone would be there waiting for me.