"But Charlieeee I don't WANT to go camping."
I know Averman; you have told me this twenty-seven times. That's not counting the fifteen times yesterday or the forty-three times the day before."
"Gay men don't camp," said Averman stubbornly.
"Oh shut up you big fairy," said his boyfriend Luis cheerfully, Luis loved camping.
"I swear to God if I get so much as ONE mosquito bite-"
"Averman, shut up. You're going to get one, I promise. Just please put a cork in it," asked Adam. Adam was also big on camping.
Charlie sighed. They were only fifteen minutes into the trip and he already wanted to break out the aspirin. He was beginning to wonder why he had suggested camping, but then he remembered the mess they'd cleaned up the last time they'd been drinking at his house, and decided it was for the best. After all, he was positive everyone had alcohol in their bag or on their person.
The ratio of campers to non-campers on this trip wasn't so bad. Luis, Adam, Fulton and Charlie were pretty big fans. Averman, Julie, and Jesse hated it. (But don't ask Charlie why they were still coming, because he sure has hell didn't know) Portman, Guy, Ken, Goldberg and Russ didn't mind it and Connie's only problem was that she was afraid of the dark. Charlie wasn't worried about her though, she would tough it out.
Julie however, was not a roughing it kind of girl, but thankfully she wasn't usually a real whiner either. Averman took the cake, ice cream and milkshake as far as whining went, and Charlie wasn't sure where Jesse would fall.
Speaking of whining, Charlie began wondering how the hell he ended up in the van with Averman? Surely he'd had his share of torture the night everyone slept over at his house right? He decided he'd steal someone's seat in one of the other vans during the restroom stop that Averman was about to complain for.
Thinking ahead Charlie began planning the sleeping arrangements. He was NOT going to end up with Averman this time. They had three tents so there would be a decent amount of sleeping space. Averman and Luis would obviously want to share. Julie and Portman had a messy relationship and they were currently on the rocks so they would not want to be together. Connie had already informed everyone that both Guy and Adam (her best friend) were staying in a tent with her to protect her from the dark. Charlie figured all the non-campers should go in one tent, plus Luis and Ken who were the least likely to lose patience with them. For minimal nighttime disruptions Charlie decided he would snag a tent with Connie, Guy and Adam since he was sure Adam and Guy would sleep through the night and Connie would be too scared to get up and go to the bathroom.
-- an hour (ish) later--
"Fulton?"
"Can we pull over, I have to go potty?"
I knew it, thought Charlie.
"Anyone else?" asked Fulton. Jesse and Luis nodded.
"Okay, give the other vans a call Jesse and tell them to pull over at the next gas station."
The Ducks had opted to stick together during the drive to prevent anyone from getting lost. Dwayne for one was horrible with directions.
"Oooh! Snacks!" said Jesse cheerfully.
Now is my chance to escape, thought Charlie. He snagged Dwayne's spot on one of the other vans and bribed Adam with first dibs at breakfast to get him to drive away before Dwayne returned. Charlie knew Dwayne might get him back some how but at least he was Averman-free for an hour and a half. Perhaps he could get a jump-start on making up for all the sleep he was bound to miss out on the next few days.
The scramble for sleeping arrangements began as soon as the tents were pitched. It did end up pretty much as Charlie thought it would. Julie and Portman headed for separate tents, Connie dragged Adam and Guy to a tent and Charlie hastily followed them. Luis and Julie were pretty good friends, so he went with her and Averman followed. Ken roomed with Portman at Eden Hall sophomore year and wanted to put as much distance between Portman's smelly socks and himself as possible. Jesse too was familiar with the smell of Portman's feet, and knew that Julie would make sure her tent didn't reek; this left Portman, Fulton, Russ and Dwayne in the remaining tent. Everyone was relatively pleased except Goldberg who had not managed to escape the smell of Portman's feet. Charlie for one could not believe his luck- he had somehow managed to evade Averman's nagging, Portman's feet and Dwayne's snoring.
Now that sleep arrangements were sorted out…
"I'M HUNGRY!" cried Portman obnoxiously.
"What is it with you? Is that your mantra?"
"Okay, who wants to cook dinner?"
-Silence-
"Nose goes!" yelled Adam.
Julie lost and grumbled at Portman when he handed her the pan and ramen noodles.
"Oh quit your whining Julie, all you have to do is boil water."
"Then why don't YOU do it?"
"Eh, can't be bothered."
She walked away cursing him under her breath.
No sooner had they finished eating when Jesse announced cheerfully. "Happy hour is from eight to dawn!"
"To dawn? You're going to die of alcohol poisoning."
"Wrong, I know when to quit," argued Jesse.
"Wrong," muttered Fulton. Before Jesse had even cracked open the bottle Connie snatched it.
"Wrong again," said Fulton, grabbing it from her.
"What? I'm not the one who passed out last time!"
"Yeah but you are the one who spilled your guts."
"Yeah, and you spilled a lot of stuff I could have gone without knowing."
"So we're not going to drink? Then what was the point of coming out here?"
"We are going to, you two are going to be monitored though."
Connie didn't say anything, she figured she could count on them being too sloshed to "monitor" after a while.
They all decided they were too tired to mess around with games, and didn't want to use all the liquor on the first night, so the night turned into a reminiscing one.
"Remember that time we quacked at the principal?" mumbled Jesse.
"Yeah, haha, that was great. Even though I'm pretty sure I got carpal tunnel from writing 'I will not quack at the principal.' Ten thousand times."
"Even better, remember when Coach Stansson chased Portman for three blocks after he caught him egging his car?"
"Yeah!"
"And he never caught me! Not that I was worried…"
"Right."
"Of course not," said Fulton sarcastically. "He knew it was you, he just didn't have any proof or he probably would have had us disqualified."
"And then you wouldn't be here because we would have killed you," finished Dwayne.
Portman looked thoughtful for a moment, shrugged as though he thought that was reasonable, raised his beer and said "Cheers."
By this time it was well past midnight and the Ducks were sleepy. Connie was the first to go but dragged Guy and Adam with her, Julie made Ken and Luis check their tent for bugs before she would go in it and Goldberg put Gold Bond foot powder in Portman's shoes.
When Charlie headed over to his tent he heard Averman whispering in his "quiet voice" inquiring where the nearest Wendy's was. He chuckled, and upon entering his tent was quite pleased to find that Connie and Adam were already sleeping, and that Adam, who wasn't even a bad snorer, even had the decency to put a Breathe Right strip over the bridge of his nose. It was a gesture Charlie greatly appreciated.
"You don't plan on getting up for anything during the night, do you Charlie?" asked Guy. "If Connie gets freaked out we'll all be up."
Charlie had no objections to sleeping through the night, so he agreed not to get up and cause any disturbance unless absolutely necessary. Unfortunately, since Charlie has THE WORST they only got about four hours of decent sleep before Connie shot up in her air mattress screaming in terror.
Dean Portman, known for pranking but not for being particularly bright, had missed the memo that Connie was terrified of the dark. As a funny joke he'd decided to shake the tents and growl. Since no one else was awake there was no one to let him know how bad this idea was. He did stop when he heard her screaming like that, but the damage was done. Guy was storming out of the tent to yell at Portman while Connie hyperventilated into Adam's shoulder and he patted her back soothingly.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Me? What's wrong with her is a better question!"
"She's afraid of the dark you asshole and now she's not going to be able to sleep again because she'll be too freaked out. And you know what that means? Adam and I won't be sleeping either. Now go and apologize before I kick your ass."
By this time all the yelling had woken everyone and some were stumbling out of their tents.
"What the hell is with the shouting?"
"What time is it?"
"Four fucking thirty," cursed Fulton.
"Portman had a great idea, he decided to scare us by shaking the tent, and scared the shit out of Connie."
"Shit!" cried Portman suddenly from the inside of Connie's tent. This was followed by a burst of laughter from Adam. Everyone saw the tent lurch to one side as though someone had fallen against it. Portman left the tent with a slightly swollen eye. Adam stepped out as well, although he could barely walk from laughing so hard.
"Connie punched him."
Portman marched angrily back to his tent while his teammates laughed at him.
"Is she alright?" asked Ken.
"Yeah, she's had her revenge."
"Part of it!" yelled Connie from inside the tent.
"Okay… part of it. See you guys in the morning."
The Ducks bid each other goodnight and returned to their sleeping bags. Connie was furious at Portman for scaring her and making her look like a baby. She was determined to get him back.
--
I told you there was going to be another sequel! :D Please review!