It's painful; it always has been. Ever since that day… I'm sorry; I'm sorry for a lot of things. I wish I could have done more; I wish I wasn't so weak. If only I was in SOLDIER; I still remember your words. SOLDIER is like a den of monsters…. But you were never a monster. You were my savior; my light in the darkness; and I couldn't save you… how ironic is it that I failed to save the one I loved but I was able to defend the world? It's almost comical; I tend to laugh while I'm crying when I think about that. It's a painful and manic laughter; it rattles my lungs and they burn as if they were taking in their first gusts of air. No matter how painful; how much I want to be free of this nightmare... I won't break my promise.
I'm trying to live for you; for us…. It's hard; I'm sorry for almost giving up… Without you here… It's so easy to want to give in to darkness; I want it to take me… but it won't have me… you won't have me. Haven't I done enough? How can I live out our lives when the only time I truly felt alive was when you were here? It seems all I have left to do is fight; I fight for them… my friends… I fight for her… I fight for you… Why didn't you let me stay? I felt so warm; my stomach fluttered and I could actually feel my heart beating. Really 'feel' it. If I didn't have a place there… where is my place here? With Tifa… with Marlene and Denzel? I can't look at her the way I looked at you; I've tried, really tried. I thought I loved her but… that was before I met you… My heart never beat so fast; my pulse never sounded so loud in my ears; my hands didn't shake and my knees didn't get weak; I didn't hold my breath or forget how to speak; I didn't blush or get flustered; I wasn't 'in' love… All those things I felt with you and only you. I thought maybe I could love her; but the way her touch feels… it's comforting… but I think that's all… I don't feel the tingling or goose bumps that suddenly appeared at even the briefest of your touches gave me. She's a dear friend… but… that's all….
Denzel, Marlene… they're wonderful kids. You would adore them; especially Marlene. She's got spunk to her which I know you would appreciate. I often chuckle when she throws her fits; she kind of reminds me of how you used to tease me and how flustered I would get. It makes me think of such wonderful memories we used to have... I wish I remembered them all… Some things, even now, are still a little blurry. I can hear your voice every so often; it scares me that every time I hear it; it becomes more and more alien to me. I try to play the voice over and over again in my head; I don't want to forget it…. I don't want to forget anything about you. I'm afraid you might fade away from my memories. I fear that your face and voice will no longer haunt me; no matter how painful it is to be reminded of what I lost I don't want to forget.
"Zack... I'll never forget...."
Kinda was bored at work one day and I just started writing on my break... hm... might not be all that great I dunno maybe? Reviews are greatly appreciated!! Thanx for reading!