A/N: So this is the first story that I've ever posted on here, but I do read stuff every now and then. I think this is pretty straight forward, so I'll just make it quick and say enjoy if you read and I appreciate reviews. Thanks. ~Deticated to my best friend in the whole world. Without whom this story would not have been possible.~
Eyes of the Devil
I see him again. I could almost reach out and touch him. He's at the end of the driveway, about to light a cigarette. It's as though I'm reliving the night of our first encounter all over again.
"Who are you?" I hear myself ask curiously.
"Whoever you want me to be…" He says, his voice cocky, but in a way that made my stomach flutter.
"Okay." I say, smiling at him in amusement. I hope he can't see how flustered he's really making me. He lights his cigarette and suddenly I feel the need for one too, even though I don't really smoke much. "Hey, can I bum a cigarette?" I ask casually.
His deep ocean blue eyes bore holes through my body as he closes the gap between us, pulling out another smoke and handing it to me. Our fingers brush slightly and I can feel shivers shoot up and down my spine like an electric current. I can no longer breathe as he holds up his cigarette, offering me its smoldering end instead of the lighter. My head spins and I pray that I'm not going to pass out or anything as I lean in and touch my cigarette to his. Our eyes lock and I know in that moment that I want to be his and only his until the end of time.
Those eyes… I know if I stared too long I could get lost in them forever…
Suddenly they're not his eyes anymore, but a similar pair, and I'm no longer standing in the driveway. I'm on my back in the sand struggling and pleading for him to stop, trying desperately to push him off of me…
My eyes snapped open and I bolted upright in bed gasping for air. I looked around in terror trying to remember where I am. As the surroundings of my small bedroom slowly become familiar again I try to regain control of the panic that's welled up inside me. Closing my eyes I breathe deeply and rub my hands over my sweat soaked forehead, trying my best to block out my memories and the fresh wave of fear that the nightmare had brought.
Throwing the covers aside I sit on the edge of the bed and stare down at my feet, pressing them against the cold floor. I don't bother with turning on the light as I get up slowly, wrap the blankets from the bed around myself, and make my way to the battered bureau on the opposite side of the room, open the top drawer, and pull out a bottle of vodka.
Sinking to the floor I open the bottle and press it to my lips taking a much needed drink. As the rancid liquid burns its way through my body I lean against the dresser and pull my knees to my chest, trying to figure out how I'd ever gotten here in the first place.
Only a little over a year ago I could say I had the perfect life.
I was the good girl. I got straight A's; I was on social committee and the charity league at my school, and did pretty much everything else my mom wanted me to. On weekends, I rode my little sister's pony for fun; even won a couple blue ribbons. I was the girl everyone envied, the girl everyone wanted to be.
Then everything seemed to change; as quickly as the blink of an eye.
People are notorious for thinking that their perfect little sheltered lives are invincible; that the horrors of life only happen to others, and will always pass them over. But that's all bullshit. A snap of your fingers, that's all it really takes to lose it all, forever.
My dad lost all his money and nearly went to jail for ripping off half of Newport, my pony lost all of its hair, and my mom, kind of lost her mind. She always hated that in the midst of our family falling apart I fell in love, and was able to find the sanctuary that she couldn't seem to herself.
His name was Ryan Atwood. He moved in with my old neighbors the Cohen's when his mom kicked him out of her house after he ended up in juvie for stealing a car with his older brother, Trey. Sandy Cohen was his lawyer, the guy's always out to help the underdog, and I guess he saw how special Ryan really is. As for me, I knew the second I looked into those amazing eyes that he was the one, the other half of my heart.
I wish I could tell you that when you find that one perfect love, you know, the one who makes your heart rate triple every time you see them, feel shivers and sparks radiate through your whole body at the slightest touch, the one who makes you feel safe and protected no matter what, that everything is always perfect from then on. Yeah, I really wish I could say that. Sadly, that's only in fairytales, and just not the way real life is. But, that love does make the weight of the world feel that much lighter, and gives you the hope and strength you need to keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.
Ryan always did that for me. He was always saving me when I needed someone the most. He always protected me. He protected me from myself, from everything, and everyone. He literally saved my life when I almost OD'd on painkillers and tequila in Tijuana the summer we first met. And I would have done the same for him if he ever needed it, I would have done anything in the world for him.
Which is why I offered to help Trey after he got out of jail and came to stay with the Cohen's too. He was having trouble getting an apartment and a job, and I could tell from my own experiences that he was drowning, and I didn't want Ryan to be disappointed in him or get hurt, so I decided to help him. Saving Ryan's brother would be like saving Ryan in a way, right?
I suggested that he look into renting my ex girlfriend Alex's apartment, and even went with him to check it out. The landlord wanted a bunch of money up front that Trey didn't have, so I told the guy that if he let him take the place he could do maintenance work around the complex to work off the debt.
When that didn't work out because of the whole criminal background thing, and Trey tried to steal a Tom Cruise movie prop from a big society charity auction, I ended up selling some of my mom and step father's junk to give him the money he needed to take the apartment. He swore he'd pay me back someday, but I wasn't worried about it. All I wanted was to make sure Ryan was happy, and I knew having his family around meant a lot to him, even if he'd never admit to it.
I did my best to mediate between them while Ryan was pissed at Trey for trying to steal from the charity auction, and even convinced him that we should throw his big brother a twenty first birthday party at my house because hey, everyone deserves a birthday party now and then, especially when you've just been released from prison.
I just wanted a small gathering, myself, Ryan, my best friend Summer, and her boyfriend Seth, who is also Ryan's adoptive brother, and of course the guest of honor, Trey. And maybe a couple of girls from the charity league, no big deal. But, in true Newport fashion, somehow word got out, and it became yet another rager, complete with drugs, alcohol, and this girl from my school face down in the pool OD'd on ecstasy and who knows what else.
I can still see her lifeless looking body floating face down in the pool, hear people screaming. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion and the speed of light all at once. The cops came. They wanted to arrest the owner of the house until they found out who had supplied the drugs, and since my mother was out and not answering her phone, and my step father was somewhere in Italy, that was me.
The feeling of the cold steel handcuffs against my skin is something I'll never be able to forget. My heart stopped beating as I was read my rights. This couldn't be happening, after everything I'd overcome, I was being arrested for simply wanting to foster a relationship between the man I love and his estranged brother… for trying to be a good person and do the right thing.
That's when I heard Trey's voice. "I gave them to her. I brought the drugs…"
We all knew it wasn't true, that he was just trying to help me after everything I'd done for him. I couldn't help but wonder if saving me was ingrained into the Atwood DNA or something, because he was taken away instead of me.
It turns out that when you have priors', taking the fall to save someone is never a good idea. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished. Trey was looking at hard time.
Ryan and I had to do something.
"Floater Girl" as Ryan called her, was Jess Sathers. Her boyfriend was a senior on the water polo team, and known to be the go to guy when it comes to illegal substances. I used my past experience with painkillers and alcohol to get an in with her, and thankfully we were able to prove that her boyfriend had brought the drugs to the party, not Trey.
The charges against him were dropped, and it seemed like things were finally looking up for once.
Ryan and Trey's relationship seemed to be mending; no one was in jail for possession. For the moment, life was good.
But, as I said before, everything in life can change as quickly as the blink of an eye…
It started when Ryan and Seth went with Sandy to Miami to visit Seth's grandmother for a couple of days. I promised Ryan that while he was gone I'd hang out with Trey and help him look for a job. After all, it was the least I could do for the guy after he almost ended up back in jail because of me.
I took him to this local club where we all hung out called the Bait Shop, knowing that the people who worked there would be a hell of a lot more accepting of Trey's past than anyone else in Newport had been.
I paced anxiously outside the manager's door waiting for Trey to finish his interview. They'd been in there for awhile, and I had no idea if that was good or bad. I let out a nervous breath, and almost on queue the door opened again and Trey emerged.
So, what did they say," I raised my eyebrows at him hopefully.
He smiled widely at me and held out a Bait Shop t-shirt. "It's a dream come true, I'm a janitor," His tone was slightly sarcastic, but it was obvious that he was glad to have the opportunity.
"Oh my God, you got the job?!" I exclaimed relieved as hell that I was right and someone in this stuck up town gave him a chance.
"Yeah, I start tomorrow afternoon," He declared proudly.
"Oh wow, that's amazing, congratulations," I pulled him into a happy congratulatory hug, genuinely thrilled that I was able to help him find the final piece to make his new life whole.
He pulled back and smiled, "So, we should definitely celebrate or something, tonight okay," He said, his voice hopeful and unsure. "I'll make some margaritas, or whatever it is you Newport chicks like to drink," He gave me a wink.
"No, margaritas sound great," I assured him with a small chuckle, wanting to make good on my promise to keep him company. "I'll even bring some guacamole," I joked.
"It's a plan," He confirmed with a nod. "But I need to hang out here for awhile and fill out some paperwork and stuff, so uh, I'll see you later at my place?"
"Yeah, definitely," I told him as I turned to leave.
He stopped me, a look of gratitude in his eyes. "And hey, thank you for this. My life is really coming together this time around, and it's all because of you and Ryan."
"It's really nothing," I assured him. "I'm here to help, and Ryan really loves you. I'll see you later." I nodded to him and left the club, wanting nothing more than to go home and call Ryan to tell him the good news.
I had no idea agreeing to celebrate with Trey that night would ultimately change my life forever…
The evening started innocently enough. I brought movies over to his place, and he made us a pitcher of margaritas just like he'd said he would.
We ended up playing quarters, and he ended up being much better than I was, so I ended up drinking a lot, even though that wasn't too unusual for me.
The room spun and my brain felt fuzzy as I leaned back into the sofa and put my hand on my head and closed my eyes, trying to focus my thoughts.
Trey saw how woozy I'd become, and we agreed that maybe we should take a walk on the beach to get some fresh air before we started one of the movies that I'd brought for us.
The cool night air did wonders to clear the cobwebs, as we walked side by side down the deserted beach. Trey seemed to get more and more exhilarated as the fresh air mixed with his obvious intoxication.
He started rambling on about how great his life was turning out to be. A new place, a new job, great friends… he gave me a strange look at the mention of 'friends' and I started to feel slightly uncomfortable. He was my boyfriend's brother after all. Did he see me as more than a friend?
I tried to push the thought out of my mind as he howled into the night, encouraging me to join him. When my attempt was obviously not up to snuff, he decided that I just needed to be woken up some more, and picked me up in his arms, spinning me around playfully.
He set me down and I laughed a little, trying to catch my breath. And then it happened.
He looked at me again, this time very intently and started, "Hey you know, when I'm with you… I feel like I can do anything." He smiled at me, and I returned his smile, but the uncomfortable feeling started to creep its way back into the pit of my stomach. "I… I've never felt that way before…"
I could see where this was going, and I needed to put a stop to it, but I wanted to do so gently. "That's sweet." I said simply, hoping he wouldn't make me go any further.
"You know, we're not so different, you and me." He continued, still looking at me with that intent gaze, so different, yet not so different from the way Ryan would look at me.
Ryan…
I knew I had to do something, now. "Hey you know, maybe it's time we go." I suggested, and turned to head back towards the apartment.
I felt his hand clamp down on my arm as he stopped me and pulled me to him. My heart beat a little faster and suddenly I felt a sickening wave of fear wash over me.
Something about the way he was holding onto me was wrong. Something about him was wrong.
"Wait, where you going?" His voice chilled me to the bone now. "Come on… come on…" He almost begged, as I tried to pull away from him. "I've seen the way you look at me… no one's ever been this nice to me…"
"Yeah, cause you're Ryan's brother." I insisted, struggling to pull away a little more urgently now. But he held on too tightly, I may as well have had iron shackles chained to my arms.
"No it is more then that and you know it." He told me fiercely. The wave of fear I had started to feel was turning into a monsoon now. Beads of sweat broke out on my forehead as I tried in vein to escape his grasp. "And I get it, you don't wanna hurt him, but he doesn't have to know…"
Oh God…
"Trey no, no way, okay, never. I would never cheat on Ryan okay, especially not with you." I told him firmly, trying to keep the fear from my voice. But that was nearly impossible now. I could see the anger forming in his eyes at my rejection.
"What, do you think I'm not good enough? So, that's how it is, huh?!" He sneered at me.
"No, no, it's not like that okay, please, just let me go Trey. Please…" My voice cracked and I could feel tears well up in my eyes. This was Ryan's brother, how could he be doing this to me?
"Ry always gets everything and what do I get?" He mumbled, not really listening to me anymore as I continued my pleas for him to let me go. "Well, all that is going to change." He leaned in and kissed me hard on the mouth, his breath wreaked of the alcohol we shared earlier. I pulled away as hard as I could, straining my weight against his hold.
His grip tightened even more than before as he forced me to the ground. I fell back on the sand with a thud as he climbed on top of me, using his weight to keep me in place as I fought to get out from under him.
His hand gripped my collar bone hard as he pinned me down with one hand and went for his fly with the other. "Ow… Trey, don't. Please…" I whimpered, my voice trembling uncontrollably as I realized what he's really about to do.
"Shhh…" He leaned down and whispered in my ear, kissing my neck feverishly. "Tonight you're mine…"
His hand clamped down hard over my mouth to keep me from crying for help, but no one would have heard me anyway. We were all alone on the beach. I had no one to save me this time. Tears streamed down my face as I realized it was no use and he'd won. His eyes held an evil glow now, and they are all I could see through my tears as he had his way with me.
It's said that when your mind and body experience a horrific trauma, everything goes into over drive and you can't recall how you managed to survive after the fact.
I guess that's really true, because I had no idea how I didn't die on that beach, or how I got home.
I sat on the floor of my shower, the scalding water beat down against my skin like droplets of fire, but it still wasn't enough to burn away the dirty disgusting feeling he'd left on every inch of my body, inside and out. Tears flowed freely down my face and mixed with the water and soap residue that surrounded me. I'd washed and scrubbed until my skin was raw, but it was no use. He'd branded me with this horrible feeling forever.
I couldn't believe that it had actually happened. What had I done to deserve this? And worst of all, what was I going to tell Ryan when he came home?
I decided that I couldn't tell him, or anyone for that matter. If he ever found out what Trey had done, he'd kill him. I knew that much for a fact. And I couldn't let him ruin his life over me, not now or ever. I had to be strong. It had to be my turn to protect him for once.
So when Ryan and the Cohen's came home, I did my best to pretend like nothing had happened. I covered the bruise on my collar bone with makeup as best I could, and only wore tops that would conceal that part of my body.
I also subconsciously did my best to avoid Ryan. But that was almost impossible, we went to school together after all, and he was everywhere. In the hallways at school, class, it seemed the harder I tried to avoid him, the more he would appear almost out of nowhere.
And when I looked at him, I couldn't help but see Trey. When he'd touch me I'd suppress the urge to flinch, when he kissed me I couldn't help but pull away. I knew he was getting suspicious of my sudden change in behavior, and thinking that maybe I didn't want to be with him anymore. But there was nothing I could do; I had to protect my secret no matter what.
However, things with Ryan and me seemed to be the least of my worries, as avoiding Trey was proving to be harder than I thought as well.
You'd think that after what he'd done, he'd want to get as far away from me, and Ryan, and Newport as possible, but you would be wrong.
He started calling my cell incessantly the day after it happened, leaving message after message telling me how sorry he was for what happened, he never meant for things to turn out this way, never meant to hurt me, and could I please find it in my heart to forgive him, and above all, not tell Ryan what he'd done?
It got so bad that I was actually forced to go over to his apartment and order him to stop calling and leave me the hell alone.
I banged on his front door furiously one morning until my hand hurt, and when he finally came to the door, shirtless and looking very hung over and sleepy, I wasted no time slapping him hard across the face, and stating that if he ever tried to call or come near me again I'd tell Ryan and the cops everything.
I'd turned on my heel and gotten back in my car and was speeding away before he'd even had the chance to recover from the shock.
I was sure that my threat to involve Ryan and the police would finally give me the peace I was looking for.
Wrong again.
That same afternoon as I was coming out of the school about to head towards my car, there he was, leaning against it nervously.
I knew I couldn't have a confrontation with him here of all places, so I ducked into the shadows of the quad and watched tensely, praying that he'd realize I wasn't coming out and just leave.
Just then Summer spotted me hiding and came up behind me. "Coop, what are you doing," She asked me, giving me a questioning look.
I glanced quickly in the direction of Trey and my car before smiling at her and saying, "Uh, nothing, I um, my car is out of gas can I get a ride with you?"
She happily agreed, but gave me a strange look as I insisted we take the back way to her car because I'd forgotten a book at my locker.
It was clear that after what happened at the school, I needed to get myself some protection, he wasn't getting the message to leave me alone, and I didn't want to give him the chance to try anything again.
My step father always kept a gun hidden in a cabinet in the hallway outside of his study, so after Summer dropped me off, and I promised her again that nothing was bothering me, and I'd call her later, I found the gun in it's usual place and hid it in the nightstand by my bed. Just in case.
That night I was in my room lying on my bed reading when I heard footsteps and looked up to see someone standing in the doorway.
It was him.
"What the hell are you doing here," I demanded angrily, as I glared at him.
"Marissa, please, don't freak out okay I'm not here to hurt you I just wanted to apologize again and try to explain," He said hastily.
"Explain what, that you're a disgusting perverted pig that likes to force himself on his younger brother's girlfriends after they do nothing but try and help you? No, Trey, you don't need to explain anything. I think I got it. Now if you don't get out of here and start leaving me the fuck alone like I told you, I'll tell Ryan and call the cops." I said, as I narrowed my eyes at him, challenging him to call my bluff.
His eyes grew angry, just as they had the night he'd attacked me, and he moved from the doorway to my bed, but I was ready for this. I scrambled off the other side of the bed and quickly made a move for the nightstand, pulling out the gun and pointing it in his direction.
He froze, halfway across the bed and backed away at the sight before him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" He laughed at me. "You don't even know how to fire that thing, why don't you give it here before you hurt yourself," He told me, as he inched closer again, holding out his hand.
I pointed it straighter and backed a couple more steps away from him. Tears burned my eyes as I stared at him, remembering that night. His weight on top of me, his hand clamped firmly over my mouth, the smell of tequila that seemed to emanate from every pore of his body, the feeling of knowing that my life and relationship with Ryan would never be the same again…
He took advantage of my obvious state, and tried again to explain. "Look, I was drunk and high alright, I did some coke back at the apartment when you thought I went back to get a jacket. So I was out of my mind okay, I had no idea what I was really doing."
"That's your excuse?!" I cried, blinking rapidly to be able to see him through the tears that had started to fall despite my best efforts. "Where the hell did you get coke anyway, or did Ryan and I go through all that trouble of trying to absolve you of the drug charges for nothing?" I spat, I couldn't believe he would do all this and fool us all so completely. Or me, rather, Ryan had tried to tell us all to just stay away from Trey from the beginning, but I didn't listen.
"No, it wasn't for nothing; I didn't bring the drugs to the party. I'm not that stupid; I know Ry would have a fit. I got the coke after that whole thing, from Jess Sathers." He sighed and looked down at his feet for a moment.
"Oh so you wouldn't bring drugs to your birthday party because you know Ryan will freak, but raping his girlfriend is acceptable?" I asked him sardonically. "Well then I guess you wouldn't mind if I told him then." I glared at him as he met my eyes.
"You can't tell him anything Marissa," He said through gritted teeth, as he started to move across the bed at me again.
"Don't Trey, keep away from me," I warned, my voice scared and desperate, the gun shook in my trembling hands.
He took this as a sign of weakness, and kept advancing on me, that look in his eyes once again.
The whole world stopped as the gun exploded in my hand, the bullet striking him in the chest. He stared at me for a moment, a look of total disbelief on his face, before he glanced down at the small oozing crimson colored hole in his chest and back at me again. He gave me a sort of crooked smile before he collapsed on the floor a couple feet away from me.
I let out a small cry and dropped the gun, hoping that this was all a nightmare and I'd wake up any minute now.
But there he was, my former attacker lay bleeding on my bedroom floor. I had no idea if he was dead or alive, nor did I care as I ran to my closet and pulled out a duffel bag, quickly shoving clothes and any other items I could remember into it, before grabbing keys to my step father's SUV and racing off into the night.
I had no idea where I was going to go, or what I was going to do. I'd been raped, kept it a secret, and then shot my attacker. Would I go to jail or would he? Was he even still alive when I left?
Those thoughts and questions raced through my mind as I sped toward nowhere in particular. My heart pounded in my chest so hard that I thought my ribcage would crack; and my hands shook so violently that I could barely keep my stolen vehicle straight on the road. I took a few deep breaths to steady myself. The last thing I needed was to get stopped by a cop so they could lock me up.
Suddenly I knew where I had to go, what I had to do. I slowed the car slightly and made a hasty U turn, heading in the direction of the California boarder.
I had no idea what time it was when I finally reached Tijuana. As I drove slowly through the streets, looking for a place to stay, the memories of my last visit here with Ryan, Seth, and Summer flooded my mind.
My dad had called to tell me that when I got home he wouldn't be there because my mother had thrown him out over what happened with his business.
Ryan had lay on the bed with me, his arms wrapped protectively around me that whole night.
And when I'd been pushed off the edge, and took a fistful of painkillers, and chased them with as much tequila as I could stand, before leaving the bar and collapsing in an alleyway, it was Ryan who had found me and gotten me to the hospital.
Ryan… it was always Ryan…
I slammed my hand against the steering wheel in frustration and pushed all thoughts of him from my mind as I found a place to stay on one of the more quiet secluded streets.
I headed inside and asked the guy at the desk if there were any more rooms available. He nodded at me and looked me up and down as I pulled some money from my purse and handed it to him, avoiding looking him in the eye.
"What are you looking at," I finally snapped at him when he continued to stare at me.
He didn't seem phased by my sudden rudeness in the least as he answered. "Nada, senorita, you just look very tired, that's all."
He gave me a kind smile, and I softened the tiniest bit. "I'm sorry, I haven't been sleeping well lately," I told him honestly, thinking of the barrage of sleepless nights and nightmares I'd had since Trey. He looked at me curiously, obviously wanting to know why. "Nightmares," I added simply, as I avoided his gaze again. He reminded me a bit of my old boyfriend DJ, and for a moment, I found myself wishing that it was him.
"I see," He mused, handing me the receipt for my room. "Dreams are merely images in our subconscious, they mean nothing, and shouldn't be feared. Try thinking of something good before you go to sleep, and remember what I told you, then you will be fine." He gave me a knowing smile and a small nod.
"Thanks, I think," I smiled at him uncertainly and left to find my room, wondering how he knew what to say to me.
Time passed very slowly after that night. I rarely left my room, unless it was to get food or buy more alcohol.
Ramon, the guy who had given me advise at the front desk that first night, became as much of a friend as I would allow these days, and often shared some of his wages with me if I'd watch the desk for him some nights while he took an impromptu break. I think he'd gathered that I needed the money in order to stay at the motel, and didn't have any other means of employment.
I appreciated his kindness very much, and the fact that he wouldn't question me, or try to make me talk to him when I didn't feel up to it.
Ryan, Summer, and my mother would call my cell several times a day and leave frantic messages pleading with me to call them back and let them know I was alright. Trey had been found in my room near death, and was currently in the hospital in a coma. They assumed the house had been broken into, and I was kidnapped, or I was just simply too afraid of what had happened and had run away, scared to come home again.
They were at least half right, sort of, but I knew I couldn't call and have the truth be exposed; I cared too much about Ryan to do that to him.
I listened to his messages each day, and it would tare my heart in two to hear the fear and utter sadness that laced his voice as he pleaded with me to just call him, even if it was only for a minute. He needed to know what had happened to me, needed to know that I was okay; he needed me to come home.
The nightmares I had told Ramon about that first night at the desk came regularly now, no matter what I did to try and stop them.
They would usually begin with me seeing Ryan in some way, reliving the memories of our time together, and then gradually morph into the night Trey had raped me, or the night of the shooting, but always end with me seeing his face, and staring into those evil looking eyes.
I would always wake suddenly, the same feeling of panic and terror gripping me, forever holding me hostage.
So, I developed a nightly routine of taking a bottle of tequila out to Ramon and sharing it with him while we sat until the sun came up, sometimes talking about nothing, sometimes just sitting quietly; or I would simply crawl out of bed and sit on the floor of my room, drinking alone and trying to drown my thoughts. Either way, it would always end in alcohol. That was all I had left to comfort me.
And tonight was no exception…
I shake my head in an attempt to clear it of my thoughts before closing the now nearly empty bottle of vodka and shoving it aside, struggling to get to my feet.
Gripping the furniture to steady myself, I stumble towards the bed and collapse onto it, pulling the blanket up around me again. I welcome the sweet numbness that the vodka was bringing to my mind and body as I curl up into myself and feel the room start to spin.
Closing my eyes I take Ramon's advice and try to think of something good. I picture Ryan's face in my mind, with those deep blue eyes I love so much, and the way his sandy blonde hair would fall on his forehead into his eyes, making him irresistible to me.
I think of all the nights we spent together in the pool house at the Cohen's. I imagine the way he would hover over me on his bed and kiss me, his eyes telling me just how much he loved me, telling me that he was mine forever. And I was his.
When he held me I felt a safety that cannot be described, when he held me I felt whole. I felt like myself again; Marissa Cooper, the girl everyone envied, the girl everyone wanted to be.
I can almost feel his arms around me again and I instinctually try to lean into his phantom embrace as I slowly drift away, the only thoughts in my mind are of him.
Ryan… my Ryan…
I find myself sitting on the couch in my friend Holly's beach house during yet another random party. I turn to sit sideways in my seat crossing my legs Indian style, and there he is, looking at me in that adoring way of his.
I feel my heart beat faster at the sight of him, but I know I must be dreaming because I recognize the blanket that's draped over us as the one from my room in T.J. It doesn't matter though; I'm going to make the most of this.
He turns himself so that he's sitting facing me too, and we just look at each other for a minute.
Finally he asks, "Where have you been? We haven't talked in awhile…"
The pain in his eyes is undeniable, and it stabs straight through my heart. "I know," I start, focusing on my hands in my lap. "I don't know, I guess I've just been drifting lately…" I fight the urge to blurt out that it's because Trey raped me and then I shot him in my room, but I can't tell him. Not even in a dream. This was a dream, wasn't it?
I force myself to look at him again. "Yeah, I guess I've kind of been drifting too…" He says softly, taking my hand in his and interlocking our fingers together tightly.
The contact sends shivers through my whole body, and suddenly I feel tears come to my eyes. "I miss you so much," I choke out, as the tears slowly begin to slide down my cheeks.
"I know, I miss you too," He tells me, as I lean forward and bury my face in his shirt, sobbing uncontrollably now, and gripping him as tightly as I can.
He returns the sentiment and wraps his strong arms around me, making me feel so safe and loved, just like he always did. "Shhh, don't cry Marissa, please…" He whispers to me, rocking me slightly.
"Just stay here with me," I croak out, the words muffled against his chest.
"I'll always be with you when you need me, okay?" He promises, kissing the top of my head softly.
I nod against his chest and pull back a little wiping my cheeks with my hand, and stare into his eyes, wondering if this really is a dream after all. My dreams of him are usually just memories relived, and it's sort of like watching a movie that you can interact with. But this, this just felt so…real.
I put my hands on each side of his face and lean in kissing him gently. He quickly reciprocates, deepening the kiss and sliding his tongue into my mouth. I moan into his mouth and slide my tongue along his, savoring the feeling of being with him again.
I lie back on the couch as he moves on top of me, and lock my legs around him tightly, never wanting to let him go again. "I love you," I breathe softly in between kisses.
He pulls back just enough to look into my eyes, and as I gaze back at him I'm terrified for an instant that his eyes will become Trey's, as they do most every night. I unconsciously hold my breath and inwardly brace myself for what's coming. "I love you too," He murmurs, as he leans in for another kiss.
An incredible feeling of relief washes over me as I begin to relax again and kiss him back, raking my hands through his hair.
All thoughts of Trey vanish completely as we continue our heated make out session on the couch, the blanket now pulled over our heads entirely to give us some privacy.
I totally forget that this is just a dream and we're not really together, until the couch vanishes without warning, and we're standing outside the beach house in the early morning light, next to Sandy's Range Rover that he always lets Ryan and Seth borrow to go out.
Seth is leaning against it seemingly waiting on Ryan. "Marissa," He greets, nodding at me like he always does.
"Seth," I reply, giving him half a smile and returning his nod before focusing on Ryan again.
He wraps his arms around my waist and gives me a sad apologetic look before telling me, "I gotta go now, I'm sorry…"
I can feel a hollow ache swell up inside my heart and explode throughout my body at his words, and I can't help but panic. "No! No, please, don't go." I cry desperately, throwing my arms around his neck tightly, tears falling down my face. "Please don't leave me," I beg him, sobbing once again.
He holds me tightly for a moment before pulling back to look at me lovingly. "Hey… don't cry…" He leans down and kisses me in a way that makes my body tingle and my legs feel like jelly. "I promise you everything is going to be okay." He says reassuringly when we finally break the kiss.
"But I won't see you again," I tell him tearfully as I look up into his eyes one last time.
He gives me a killer smile and tucks a few strands of my hair behind my ear before saying, "Of course you'll see me again, do you really think I'd come all this way to see you and then never come back?" He leans in again kissing my forehead gently and whispers ever so softly, "You can wake up now, Marissa, open your eyes…"
I try valiantly to hold onto him as the world slowly fades away, causing him to disappear completely…
I open my eyes and sit up in bed my heart thudding in my chest, but for once it's not from fear, but exhilaration. I reach up and touch my fingers to my lips, wondering what the hell that was.
I flop back against my pillow and stare up at the ceiling, thinking of Ryan, and how incredible it is that he seemed to have come to me in my dreams. Then I remember something he said to me.
I promise you everything is going to be okay…
I smile slightly to myself, as I realize that he had managed to finally give me the feeling of peace that I had been searching for since the night Trey had raped me, and stolen my life from me. For the first time in ages I feel like everything will be alright again someday.
And I can't wait for that day to come, so that I can go home; to Ryan.