Merry Christmas Vale!!! You're amazing so I hope this fic can be worthy of being your Christmas present! It's a little angsty but I find it wildly romantic. And I listened to the song Breathe Me by Sia the whole time and it's a insanely romantic song and one of my all time favorites. So go listen to it and tell me how much you love it... in a review. ;)!
Dear God or Angels or whoever flipping gets this
Will you send this to Nate please?
Dear Nate
My love
My life
Are you okay? Did it hurt? The Dr's (those stupid morons with their somber faces and wandering eyes) said that you died right away and you didn't feel anything. But I seen the car Nate. I know it must've hurt. Are you still hurting? Please tell me you're not still hurting. I'm still hurting.
Most of the time I'm fairly certain that I'm the one that died. And that I simply got sent to Hell (but Hell is anywhere without you so it doesn't really matter). But then I see Mitchie and know I'm not in Hell and then I see Tess and know I'm not in Heaven. And then I know I'm not dead and you are and it hurts all over again.
Every breath I take without you is a waste. A waste of time. A waste of oxygen. It's not fair. It's not fair that I get to breathe when all I want to do is stop and that all those people (you) who would appreciate, who beg for it but will never feel oxygen fill their lungs and slip through their lips. I'm wasting every second. Every second without you.
Are the angels pretty? I'll kick their asses. I will Nate. You're mine. With me or without me, you're mine. You'll always be mine. And I'll always be yours.
Will you come back for me? Please? I'm sick of being here. I'm so alone Nate. So fucking alone. Mitchie is begging me (she cries, and you know what a blubbery mess she makes) to become me again. But I can't. Not without you Nate. Never without you Nate. Shane worries. He doesn't say anything but there's a little crease in between his eyebrows. It reminds me of you. It makes me want to rip my eyes out and never have to see again. Not you. Not all the memories of you. But it doesn't make a difference. They haunt me. The glow behind my eyelids. I need you Nate. Why haven't you come back for me yet?
They've even sent Tess after me. (Tess of all goddamn people). They say she understands. They say she knows. And maybe she does, at least a little. Do you remember (of course you do, you remember everything) how I used to tell you how I couldn't look Tess in the eyes? That her eyes were black holes and they were empty of something? Something human. I know now what they're empty of. They're empty of life. She doesn't want it anymore (she never really did) and now when I look in the mirror. I see her eyes staring back at me. I'd be scared but I don't care anymore (nothing matters without you).
You'd be mad at me. If you were here. Begging me to stop. But you're not here (if you were I wouldn't be doing any of this, now would I?) You've never liked blood and you've never tolerated messes so I know this would kill you (but you're already dead and now so am I). I'm sorry that I'm marring the skin that you loved so much. You've always loved my wrists. So soft and delicate and utterly feminine. And now they're bruised and red and the skin is raised. I only press the steel blade close enough to cut when it's the only way to stop the pain. I have a lot of cuts. I don't know how to stop. To stop hurting and aching and just being utterly broken. Even bloody and broken and bruised it still hurts less then when I lost you. And every morning when I wake up to see that you're not by my side, I break all over again Nate.
And I can't be broken anymore Nate. I need you. And I'm sick of waiting. I'm sorry Nate, I know you wouldn't approve (but when would you ever approve of anything I've done?). I need to breathe again. To really breathe. I need to smile again. I need to see you again Nate.
And now I will.
XOXO
I will love you forever
Caitlyn (Your Caitlyn)