This is my first attempt at a parody, and is spoofed from the Two and a Half Men episode of the same name. I've taken interest in the show after my parents filed for divorce, so I decided to focus on everyone's favorite comic book child.
Now, in this story, Lian doesn't know who her parents are because apparently her 'grandparents' thought it would be safer if she didn't know she was a 'hybrid' child. That being said, she does know who her maternal grandmother is and knows the pretty bird and emerald archer as paternal grandparents.
I don't like movie parodies, but TV shows are all right.
So, let's read my first parody!
Disclaimer: I knew nothing about sex or child custody when Two and a Half Men first aired. In addition, I've been a good girl, but the Easter bunny refused to give me the rights to any show :(
After one weekend, Artemis Crock realized that arrows did not exactly mix with Vietnamese blood.
It all began with Megan, Dick, and Conner meeting Artemis and her mother for breakfast at Bibbo's Diner. Paula was discussing their recent missions with the team while Artemis picked at the grits and bacon looking crestfallen.
"Hey, Arty," Megan said in the seat across from her. "Are you okay? You haven't really said anything since you got here."
"Is everything all right?" Conner asked evenly cutting flapjacks.
"Yeah," Arty mumbled. "Just tired. That fight with Ivy really wore me out."
"Well, get some rest when you get home," Megan encouraged her, "because tonight we're having the time of our lives-"
"Juice Box Nite here in Bibbo's," she and the boys chorused loudly grinning. The woman smiled, but her mouth fell when she saw her daughter's face.
"You'll have to go without me," her youngest sighed. Her friends and mother looked at her perplexed. "I'm supposed to babysit my niece tonight."
Lian was her niece. She did not tell them about her sister, but they knew she had one (was her name Jade or Emerald?) who left a child in a basket at her mother's doorstep with a note saying her mother was a grandmother, but did not reveal who the father of the little niece was. Ollie and Dinah acted weird, but insisted that Lian consider them 'grandparents.' Arty was confused, but she knew her mother was not telling her something as well. Regardless, the blood test confirmed half of Lian's DNA similar to Artemis's, and the teen doted on the five-year-old who saw her every weekend at the Queen estate.
"Aren't Ollie and Dinah supposed to babysit Lian tonight?" Dick asked. Arty moaned.
"No," she huffed. "They told me to watch over her at the cave. They planned a 'hot date' for this weekend." Conner shook his head. "So now I have to take care of her, but we were supposed to go to Juice box Night here, I don't want to give it up," she explained.
"Then let me take her in," Paula said.
Artemis nearly dropped her fork. "Mom-"
"Artemis, please, I rarely see my granddaughter-it's going to be a long time before I'll know, or even watch, if I have other grandchildren."
Megan looked at her friend, who paused sprinkling bacon over her eggs. "How long do you want to keep her-"
"Keep her?" Paula interrupted. "Megan, sweetheart, I can't raise my granddaughter, I'm handicapped. I can't take her to the mall or park like that."
"Well, how long do you want her?" asked Dick dividing his sausage links into equal pieces.
"About half the time she spends with Ollie and Dinah," Paula offered pouring sugar into her Vietnamese tea. Megan's eyes boggled.
"Lian spends almost an entire week with them," she said. "And in case you forgot, when Lian showed up, Dinah dropped everything and stayed at home for a month, taking care of her and never leaving her side. Even her husband took a two-week 'paternity week' to spend time with the baby."
Paula shrugged. "So…I'll spend three days with her-"
"Doing what?" Artemis interrupted. "She's too young to cook and play outside."
Paula smiled. "It's fine. I'll rent some movies, tell her some Vietnamese folklore and stories of my daughters." Then she narrowed her eyes. "And don't interrupt me anymore, Artemis."
"Mom…" Artemis whined. "Okay, but let me tell Dinah," she warned puling her cell phone from her pocket and typing in numbers. Everyone watched as she held it to her ear.
"Hello, Dinah, this is Artemis, I'm good thanks, Mom says hi…well, my friends and I were going dancing tonight-wait, let me finish…yeah I know I can't take Lian with me, so what I was saying was that I planned to take Lian to…what! Dinah, listen, my mom is Lian's grandmother, and they rarely see each other-you can't tell me no yeah I know you're the adult and I'm the kid, but guess what, Dinah? You may consider yourself Lian's paternal grandmother, but you're not her biological one-my mom is her biological grandmother, so my little niece is sleeping at an apartment with her own blood…bring it on. Good doing business with you."
Artemis hung up with a bitter smile.
"What happened?" asked Conner.
"She refused and gave me three extra hours of training on Monday."
"Ouch," Dick hissed. "That stings."
Artemis shrugged. "So? She's staying with my mom no questions-" Her cell phone rang and she flipped it open. "Hello, Ollie…so, I don't care about the extra training, I just felt Lian deserves to spend time with her grandmother-her biological grandmother thank you very much…what do you mean she's going to poison her? I don't…sorry, Ollie, yeah Lian knows. P.S. her paternal grandfather is probably dead and my father is evil and moved out. I'll see you Monday!" She hung up and shrugged. "Let's get my niece."
Later that day, Lian happily walked into the main room, her arms sore from carrying bags of toys, shoes, crayons, books, and math flash cards. "Thank you, Auntie! This was the best day of my life!"
Wally and Artemis had driven to Lian's school impersonating her grandparents (Artemis wore heels and more mature clothing), announced she had a rescheduled dentist appointment, and Lian was sweating until she realized it was her aunt. Artemis handed the secretary a fake notification (thanks Dick), slid her into the booster seat, and drove her to the mall, where they spoiled her in everything her grandparents were planning to save for her birthday.
The tiny blackhead looked up at the blond, her blue eyes shining. "I've never thought you've love me so much!" she squealed. Her tiny arms reached into a bag and pulled out a stuffed donkey. "Mr. Hee-Haw says thanks, too!"
Artemis smiled. "Well, I'm glad you had fun. Oh, by the way, you're spending the weekend with your grandma-"
"What?" asked Lian, her little eyes growing wide. Then her face wrinkled. "No," she whined. "Grandma's mean. She likes to talk about Grandma and Grandpa and she says the team's just an excuse to take Aunt Arty from her life!"
Artemis sighed. "Come on, Lian, it's not like we're punishing you-"
"Yeah you are!" squeaked little Lian turning her back. "You tricked me!"
Dick sighed and dug into his belt. "Here-twenty dollars to go to-"
"No!" Lian squeaked.
"Thirty."
"One hundred."
"One hundred?" Artemis and Dick shrieked.
Lian smiled innocently. "Your adoptive daddy has money-it's no real loss."
Dick growled and fished out a Benjamin Franklin. "Here." Lian snatched the bill and shoved it into her pocket. Then she dashed to her spare bedroom.
"So you are packing for tonight?" Dick called out.
"Yeah right!" Lian yelped.
Two minutes later, Conner and Wally were wrestling a protesting Lian out of her room, her small body trying to squirm out of their grasps. "No, no, no, I won't go!"
Megan snuck into her room and began packing clothes, toys, and pajamas. Lian screamed and the team continued. Artemis held her niece's shoulder. "Listen, Lian, I'll admit-"
"You have to give me something!" Lian yelled. "You need to give me a prize!"
The entire cave froze. "We spent all that money on you-"
"Well, this is for me actually going to Grandma's! That and Mr. Hee-Haw were because you guys love me!"
Wally groaned. "What do you want?"
Lian cleared her throat. "A set of Hello Kitty hair clips, the true identity of my parents, every season of Smallville that includes an episode of Grandma and Grandpa, the entire collection of Alice in Wonderland dolls, an Easy Bake oven, and not to go to Grandma Crock's."
Dick's jaw tightened. "Well, we don't know who your parents are, so…four out of six," he sighed.
Lian shrugged. "Okay. I'll forget the dolls."
At the small, crappy apartment, Conner had walked with his girlfriend and her friend while they dropped the whiny child off-Artemis was used to the drug dealers and perverts, but she was concerned at the more attractive redhead. The latter's uncle went with them the first time she went to her friend's house, so they were pretty much safe.
"I can't believe you're taking me to jail," Lian whined licking her ice cream angrily.
An almost-ready-to-explode Artemis held Lian's shoulders and knelt down. "Don't, little girl, you're going to be fine. Just watch some movies, play-"
"What if she doesn't have movies?" Lian interrupted.
"She does-"
"On tapes!" Lian yelled. "They suck! She's so poor!"
Arty almost decided to strangle the child and that little tongue. "Where-did-you-learn-that-language-"
"Ollie and Dinah taught me-"
Ding dong!
Lian turned to the sharp doorbell in confusion. When she turned back, she was alone. "Hey! Aunt Arty-moan…" Slowly she turned her red face around.
"Boo-"
"AH!"
After a voice spoke on her neck, Lian's crippled grandmother was now greeting her granddaughter through melting vanilla ice splattered on her face. Paula blinked several times as if her granddaughter had just suffered a stroke.
At the diner, the team was sitting in an awkward silence. In front of them were glasses of root beer floats, gigantic fries, and chicken legs. Everyone but Wally noticed her odd behavior and did not eat.
"I made a horrible mistake," Artemis groaned. "I left my precious, loving niece with my horrid, controlling mom."
"So…" Dick pressed.
"I'm afraid she'll say negative things about this team, the League, and her grandparents."
The others glanced at her peculiarly.
"She believes you meant to protest their ways of 'keeping you down' and set you death traps to try and kill you so they won't have to coop up with your whining."
Kaldur shook his head. "My king would never-"
"Just because you and your friend saved his life doesn't mean she's convinced you're really that obligated to fight-she thinks he charmed you so you can see how reckless and dangerous the field is." Artemis ripped a napkin apart. "She threatened to take me off this team if I didn't go to the school, that's how convincing she is, so now she'll convince Lian not to listen to Dinah or Ollie when we know they're good people."
Wally snorted. "No way-"
"Oh really, Wallace?" Artemis snapped. "You know, I overheard her talking to her friend Crusher, and she said that your uncle's taking advantage of this team to a) find an easier way to separate you from both your parents and b) try to make your aunt happy to see her nephew working alongside his idol."
Wally frowned. "You believe that-"
"When my mother did wrong things, her friend trained her children to do that just so they can be little assassins and be happy to take other lives. That's why she didn't want me patrolling since she thinks I'm secretly trying to kill." Arty sighed.
"In addition, when I was younger, Mom read me Stephen King novels, crime bestsellers, and horror stories around Halloween because she wanted me to be aware of what the world is like and why I should stick to understand the dark side."
Nobody moved-even Wally froze.
Then Conner stood up. "We have to get the girl," he spoke their minds for them. They all stood up-
"Great game, girls!" a woman of about eighteen cheered, followed by other girls in matching green and blue lacrosse uniforms. They swung lacrosse sticks over their shoulders and immediately filled three tables.
Wally's eyes grew hungry and he grinned mischievously.
"Uh oh…" Dick said to no one.
Back to the apartment, Lian had her finger shoved into her nostril and was flipping through a copy of an old issue of More Fun Comics that her great-grandfather bought and passed down to his daughter.
"All right," Paula sighed wheeling forward with a plate of oddly colored food on her lap. "Let's eat some Japanese and some-why are you picking your nose?"
Lian shrugged innocently. "I have something in it."
Paula sighed. "Like what? A raccoon?"
Lian shrugged. "Maybe."
Paula groaned, set the plate down, grabbed her granddaughter's wrist and shoved a napkin at her. "Here-wipe your hand with Mr. Napkin here. I do not want you wiping snot on my couch, your clothes and certainly not your leg-" she added slapping Lian's hand from her knee. Lian was already wiping her finger in her ear. Paula gave her a stony look and jabbed the napkin harder at her granddaughter's side.
Lian shrugged and reluctantly wiped her finger. Paula set the tray down and pulled out a small bottle. "So…has Ollie or Dinah ever taken you out for sushi or any kind of fish?"
Lian wrinkled her forehead. "What?"
"Sushi-one of Japan's finest dishes, and we from Vietnam eat other animals, but I brought sushi and pig's heart. They say eating a part of an animal will benefit yours."
"So eating a pig's heart…"
"Will help the tiny heart in your chest," Paula said patting her granddaughter's heart. "Now, sushi isn't really Vietnamese, but I figured you've had it before."
"No," Lian admitted. Paula puckered her lips and shrugged.
"Well, this is your first time having it."
Lian looked at the piles of food. "You know, Uncle Barry and Uncle Wally ate raw fish one time, and then Uncle Wally's mom found out he had worms in his intestines and they had to cut his stomach open to get them out."
Paula looked disgusted, then smiled sweetly at her granddaughter. "No, no, no, baby doll-they just wanted to scare you."
"Uncle Barry showed me the pictures. Want me to show you?"
Paula shook her head and handed her a small sample of fish. "This is salmon-"
"No, it's not," Lian protested. "Uncle Kaldur showed me salmon."
Paula sighed. "Well, he showed you a live fish, not what you eat."
"He told me not to eat fish because they could be his friends and-"
"Lian."
"Yes?"
"Just eat it."
Lian sighed and lifted the salmon to her mouth. "Please forgive me-Sick!" She turned her head and spat it out on the carpet.
"Lian!" her grandmother shouted. Lian continued spitting. "Lian!"
"Gross, it tastes like worms!"
"Lian!"
"I don't want worms growing in my stomach-"
"Lian, stop here this is spiced water-"
Unfortunately Lian reached past her grandmother's hand and shoved some sort of leaf between her lips. "Lian, no that's wasabi it's the hottest-"
"Ah, my tongue! My tongue is burning!" Before she knew what she was doing, she was wiping her tongue against a red cushion.
"Lian, no, that's a pillow from Vietnam get your little fingers give me that-"
Paula did not get to finish speaking or wrestling the pillow from Lian's arms because Lian's foot accidentally shot up and kicked the entire sushi plate off the table, pieces of fish showering the living room. Paula yelped and stared at the plate, her eyes bulging from her sockets, her hand over her heart.
Lian was silent before heaving the pillow at her grandmother's chest. "Here's your pillow from Vietnam."
At Bibbo's Diner, Wally had wedged a seat with the other girls and was talking nonstop with them, which gave him mixed reactions-some liked him, some were feeling awkward. Artemis watched angrily, not out of jealousy, but rather annoyance that he was letting her niece-whom he asked to call him 'Uncle Wally'-was probably riding a train through permanent mental damage.
Lian was watching Paula scrub the carpet clean, her withered arms fading strength. "So…what else do you and Aunt Arty eat?"
Paula's back stiffened, so she turned around and gave her a dry smile. "Aside from the $100 sushi implanted on my carpet? I would not suppose you eat squab?" she asked raking her hair back.
Lian hung her legs over the head of the sofa, the blood rushing down her head and her shirt riding down her stomach. "Sit up. You'll hurt your head."
"No I won't," she protested. "Watch what I can-"
"Lian."
"Sorry."
"Do you even know what squab is?" Paula asked wiping the small coffee table.
"No…I can tell it sounds like something from a Halloween book." Paula sighed.
"Well, what do you eat at Ollie's house?"
Lian smiled.
"Squab, squab, squab, squab, squab, squab…squab-"
"Silence."
"Sorry." The little girl froze.
Paula turned around and caressed Lian's nose. "Would you like pizza?"
"Pizza, I love pizza!" Lian squealed. Paula nodded.
"What cheese-mozzarella or cheddar?"
"Squab cheese," Lian said innocently, grinning at the glare. "Mozzarella," she giggled.
"Anything else?"
"Chili, like how Grandpa makes it."
"Pizza and Queen Chili," Paula nodded. "Got it, and I shall cook it for your aunt taught me how to make it."
"And under the cheese I want slices of hot dogs and over the cheese I want little bits of chili-the kind Grandpa Ollie makes-with peppers, apple slices, and garlic salt."
Paula's face froze. "Too weird to be true," Paula muttered to herself as she wheeled herself away. "I wonder if it's the arrow or Navajo heritage."
At the diner, Artemis had lost all thoughts of Lian being in mental danger. She, Megan, Conner, and two girls had walked up to the juice box and were dancing to 'Brick House.' Dick and Kaldur managed to join in Wally's conversation with the team as they ate, drank, and were merry.
"So," Kaldur began, "how long have you girls been playing this sport?"
"Two years," the captain said. "The team was established then."
Dick nodded in interest. "Nice…so what do you do out of season?"
A girl beside him hiccupped. "I stay with my grandma," she croaked. "Her name is Elly. I call my grandma Elly…I live with her."
Dick paled. "Oh, God…I hope my grandparents weren't like that…Lian…"
At the apartment, an exhausted Paula rolled into the room and held her face away from the awful stench of garlic and apple combined. "Lian…dinner…or whatever it is…is served…" Then she held her plate away and turned her head. "Lian?" Her granddaughter was missing. "Lian? Lian? Lian, where are you come into the-"
"SQUAB!"
At that precise moment, Lian's little body jumped out of nowhere behind the couch. Paula shrieked and the pizza flung from her plate right in her granddaughter's direction. All Lian could do was pause as chili and apples and peppers splattered over her shoulders and head.
Miles away, the girl's aunt, Megan, and Conner were all scattered around the juice box-Megan and Conner were dancing together while Artemis was whipping her hair and thrusting her hips at no pace to "Super Freak" until Dick and Kaldur walked up to them. Arty was 'grinding' and moving at a staccato beat, thrusting more and harder.
Kaldur gave her a strange look. "Where did you learn that move?"
Then Dick sighed and called her name louder. "Artemis, Artemis, I'm worried about the kid!"
"What kid?" asked Artemis whipping her hair harder, slapping against Dick's face.
"Your niece, your kid, our kid, whatever we call her, I think we should go to your mom's and get her!"
Artemis snorted. "Rob, she's fine! Just stop being so paranoid. Grind, and grind, and grind…"
"Artemis!" Dick tried again.
Artemis turned and gave him a glare. "All right, if you're that concerned, just call my mother-and grind, and grind, and grind…"
Dick flipped the cell phone open and turned to the grinding archer. "What's her number?"
Artemis rattled it off too quickly, but Dick was able to hear a ringing.
"Hello? Mrs. Crock?"
At the apartment, Paula was piling pieces of food onto the plate while Lian watched and picked up an apple slice. "I can't talk to you, Grayson, I-Get that out of your mouth, did Oliver and Dinah raise you in a zoo?"
Lian responded by spitting the apple slice at her grandmother's arm. The former assassin flinched and threw her a dirty look.
Dick pulled the phone away and gave it a peculiar look. "What goes on in there?"
Meanwhile Artemis could care less until Dick stomped over towards her and grabbed the collar of her jacket. "Super-whoa!" Megan and her boyfriend did not notice her sudden absence until Kaldur grabbed them both by the shirts.
When Artemis, Megan, and Conner walked into the apartment while Dick and Kaldur waited outside, Artemis gasped.
All around the room was pieces of fish, apples, pepper, sushi, and on the couch sat her mother, a cigarette in her hand and a bottle of beer between her legs, a large pizza pie splattered over the head of the sofa.
"Uh, hi, mom," Artemis began. Paula didn't need to turn her head.
"Oh, hello, sweetie."
"Where's Lian?" asked Conner looking around and noticing Ollie's famous chili staining a section of the carpet.
"I sent her up to the neighbor's place to take a bath. She clogged the tub here because there were pepper and apples down her back."
"Why would she have peppers and apples down her back?" asked Artemis. Her mother somehow looked worse.
"Because she doesn't eat squab," she croaked taking a drag on her cigarette. "Squab…"
From behind the wall, Lian stepped out, her clothes dry but her wet hair plastered on her neck and the shoulders, in her hand a freshly unwrapped chocolate bar.
"Hey, how was your visit?" Megan asked smiling. She leaned forward as if to kiss Lian's cheek but pulled back at the horrid whiff of apples and peppers combined.
"Good so far," Lian said chewing with her mouth open. "What are you doing here?"
"We wanted to see how you were," Conner said putting his hand on her crown. "Everything's good? Well, we'll be going back to Bib-"
"Don't leave me behind," Paula groaned outstretching her withered arm. The arm fell at a sudden plop.
Paula looked at the wet spot on her thigh cautiously. "Li?"
"Yes?" her granddaughter asked licking the chocolate from her gums.
Paula blinked at another plop. "Did you remember to turn the water off in the bathroom upstairs?"
"Uh…" Slowly Paula lifted her head…
Artemis looked up as well…
In time to see a gigantic waterfall pour over Paula's head, the woman gasping in cold and horror until only drops plopped down on her shoulders.
Artemis did not know what to say or even do. "Say goodbye to Grandma, little girl," Arty spat out as she and Conner grabbed the girl's biceps and lifted her off her feet while bolting to the front door.
"Bye, Grandma!"
Paula did not move or speak. She just spat out filthy water, wondering how such blood could mix with hers.
Three hours later, Artemis and Wally were sitting at the counter, holding mugs of hot cocoa and in silence. "So…that was an impressive night, huh?"
Artemis did not answer but stared at her niece clad in a bathrobe with her bare feet resting on Wolf's side while Sphere sat beside her for company. The child loved the 'ball' and always patted it for love. Arty decided to retrieve the girl's belongings when she came home, but in the meantime, little Lian was sleeping beside her aunt.
"I think my niece did what we could never do," Artemis sighed. "She is too late to pull her own blood from the wonderful arts of crime-fighting." Wally nodded. "In one night, she did something massive. I guess that once you get sucked into the Arrow family, there's no turning back." Wally nodded.
"Yeah," he sighed. "So what are you going to do when you go home?"
"I don't feel like going home tonight-I want to spend every moment of this night with my precious niece-"
Her last words were downed as Lian belched and sneezed in her bare palm. "Ewe, did you just lick your snotty hand?" Wally spat.
"No," Lian called back.
Yeah, I know. Funny but weird.
Secret: My reason Lian should be conceived and born-in the comics she had no maternal family, so she would have on for the first time and on this show. I mean, how cool would it be if she's the granddaughter of assassins but is proof that blood does not entirely define you?
Review?