I Promise Not to Give You Hope

Promises are the uniquely human way of ordering the future, making it predictable and reliable to the extent that this is humanly possible.

Hannah Arendt

"I'm not going to apologize for it, yah know."

Sakura paused, her fingertips still touching the IV tube on the stand. She sighed, bowing her head so that her eyes were hidden by cherry blossom bangs. She murmured a faint "I know". It was so soft that, had Naruto not been on the bed next to her, he would probably have mistaken it for another sigh (Sakura seemed to be doing that a lot since he came back from Iwa).

Naruto exhaled deeply. He didn't like seeing Sakura like this… like it was her fault that he was laying in this thrice-damned bed covered in blinding white sheets. Of course it wasn't her fault. How could the blame be put on her? She hadn't even been there. Hell, she wasn't even a member of the back-up Anbu team that was sent after him and his comrades after word reached Konoha of the possible ambush waiting for them. But still…

"I don't like seeing you like this."

Naruto blinked. After briefly wondering if Sakura had gained mind reading powers in the past three weeks since he's seen her (well, in which he was actually conscious to be able to see her), the blonde looked over as the kunoichi dragged her feet over to the foot of his bed to write some more medical mumbo-jumbo onto his chart.

Grinning his well-known fox-like smirk, Naruto beamed out a "Aw, come on Sakura-chan! Yah know I won't be in here much longer...Hell," his eyes closed as his grin grew, "I bet I'll be ready to get outta here before baa-chan admits it. And I know exactly what I'm going to do once I get out of this hell hole." Naruto leaned back, eyes still closed to the medic, and crossed his bandaged arms behind his head. "First thing I'm gonna do is go and get some ramen! Hmmm…. Ichiraku's sounds real good right about now… a hundred times better then this crappy hospital food… No, a thousand times better! Hey, hey, Sakura-chan!" Naruto bolted up suddenly, eyes wide in eagerness and pleading with her to save his stomach. "You could sneak me some ramen, right? Miso ramen!... Hmm… or do I want chicken… Nah, miso is the way to go. Come on Sakura-chan, you're not going to let me starve in here, are you?... Sakura-chan?"

Sakura just kept her head bowed, knuckles turning white from their grip on his medical chart. Naruto didn't need to see to know, though; the smell of salt reached his nose, informing him of tears being shed.

"Baka no Naruto." Sakura looked up. She looked like she was torn between smiling at his idiocy and bashing his skull in. The only thing that probably stopped her from giving him new wounds was the fact that there was no where on the blonde that wasn't already covered in gauze or wraps.

She clenched her eyes shut, slammed his chart back onto the hook, and turned around to walk out the door. In her haste to leave, she did not see Naruto's downcast eyes begin to water. Only a hard blink prevented the smell of salt from returning to the room.

"I'm still not gonna apologize."

Sakura flinched. She hadn't expected him to be awake at this time of night. She sighed as she collapsed into the chair next to his bed. In the moonlight, she could see that most of his bandages were off now, revealing a muscled body. She faintly thought that it was much better to see more tan on him than white. She wasn't that surprised though; Tsunade-sama had told her (only in passing, of course) that Naruto was being released in the morning.

Looking up, green eyes met hard blue. She couldn't help but sigh and lower her eyes to stare at her hands which were currently occupied with touching the frayed edges of her skirt.

"I…" she gulped and licked her lips, hesitating a bit. She had been trying to avoid this conversation for too long. It looked like there was no escaping it now, though. "I know. But still…. Do you know how terrified I was when I saw you on that damned stretcher?... I never thought a body could hold so much blood…" She suddenly got angry, and, raising her eyes to meet his eyes again, she blurted out "And you wouldn't have been so wounded if you had only come back when Tsunade had said, ordered you to! God damn it, Naruto!"

Jumping up to her feet, Sakura started to pace back and forth, trying desperately to release her rapid whirlwind of emotions.

"You nearly died! You fucking nearly died on us, Naruto! All to go back and rescue a body, someone who was already dead, and you nearly died doing it! Are you fucking crazy? Are you mad?! You nearly died! We thought you were going to… All that blood and then the long hours of surgery, Gods, it felt like forever, and then you being in a coma-like state for over two weeks… God damn it, Naruto." She abruptly stopped in her pacing, the front of her body facing the open window. She could see the almost-full moon perfectly through the glass.

Panting slightly from her tirade, Sakura just flopped her arms uselessly at her sides. She turned around to face him, eyes desperately searching his for an answer. "Why…. Why the hell did you risk it all for a body?"

Naruto kept his gaze steady. His sapphire eyes were both cold and passionate.

"Because that body was once a member of my Anbu squad… because when I took on that team as their captain, I made a promise… I swore to them that I would never leave a single man behind, no matter what…" His eyes narrowed dangerously. "And as long as I'm still alive, I will never go back on my word."

"But that's just it, Naruto!" Sakura threw her hands up in the air in exasperation. "You nearly died, you wouldn't have been alive to even make another one of your stupid promises! Do you even know how worried we all were? We th-"

"You were scared." It was a statement, not a question.

Sakura let out a breath that was half-way between a sigh and a humorless chuckle. "Of course we were… we weren't even sure you were going to wake up. If you didn't have the Kyuubi…. I doubt that you would have."

Naruto eyed her in a way that she couldn't quite place. "You were scared…. because you were uncertain of the outcome." Again, it was not a question.

Sakura, now more than a little bit confused and uncertain at the twist in the conversation, not to mention slightly confused at the expression that Naruto was now wearing, nodded slowly. "Yes… I suppose that I was frightened because… I didn't want you to die… I was scared that you were going to die; even after all we did to try to heal you… Naru-"

"Sakura." She stopped immediately, noticing his softened, sincere expression.

"I…" He inhaled slowly. It almost looked like a large weight was on his chest, his breathing was so shallow despite his big sigh. "The reason why I'm being dismissed from here tomorrow is 'cause they have another mission for me tomorrow. Because-" he cut off her response before she could even begin, "the mission is special… the Anbu Mission Board double-, triple-checked and the best team for the mission is mine, hands down. I leave tomorrow at mid-day."

He calmly watched as the information slowly sunk in.

Sakura slowly shook her head, not wanting to accept it. "B-but they can't! I-I mean… for Christ's sake, you're still in the hospital now! They can't-"

"They can. And I agreed." Sakura could only marvel at how Naruto could look so calm as he said this. He could easily have been commenting on the weather, the way his tone sounded as peaceful as it did.

Sakura felt like crying… no, like breaking down and never getting back up. "No." She just continued to shake her head as Naruto looked at her questioningly. "No." Her voice sounded more desperate but, at the same time, more resolute. "No. I just went through the most painful month of my life, waiting for you to get better yet knowing that you could just as easily die on me as wake up… I refuse to go through that torturous experience again… I can't do it. I won't."

She sounded so hopeless, so desperate right then that Naruto's conviction nearly wavered. "Nearly" being the key word.

Waiting until he held her gaze again, Naruto spoke with a sturdy voice. "When I joined the Anbu forces, I swore to protect and serve my village and all the people in it. When I became an Anbu captain, I also promised to care for and guide my teammates. Refusing a mission when I am sorely needed for it only on the basis of my slightly less-than-perfect health is not an option for me. I refuse to refuse a mission. That's what being an Anbu captain is about… putting my life on the line, every day, to save my people and to lead my team."

Reaching his hand out to her cheek, Naruto wiped away one of Sakura's tears. She hadn't even noticed that she had started to cry.

"But… I also know that this must be hard for you." Sighing, Naruto dropped his hand and leaned back against the headboard. Gazing at his hands for a while, Naruto then sighed again before looking up at one of the very few people that he could ever call family and the only one that he could call his sister.

"Look, I… I can't promise that I won't come back without a scratch on me from every mission. Even I couldn't keep a promise like that," Naruto smiled wryly. He continued, "I also can't promise that I won't die while I'm out on a mission. I mean, I am a shinobi, an Anbu. We ninja kill and, more often than not, die in turn as well. But… but there is one promise that I can make… It might seem quite… morbid and not at all reassuring now, but trust me… when – if – it does come true, trust me, it'll be better that way… you'll appreciate it then." Running his hand through his hair, Naruto swallowed the lump in his throat before continuing. "If I die while on a mission, I promise that it'll be a quick death… I'll die quickly. I won't be on some damned hospital bed like this one. That way, by seeing me alive first, you build up some false hope and desperately cling to it before I then go and die on you. I won't give you a chance to hope at all. It'll be better that way."

And as Naruto smiled at her just as the sun peaked over the horizon, bathing the room in light and shadows, Sakura felt like her shoulders were just a little bit lighter despite her continuing tears.

While staring at a picture of Naruto's smiling face, Sakura sat in the light and shadows cast by the full moon. Tears slowly leaked down from the corners of her eyes. Tearing her eyes away from the picture, the medic's gaze fell on that of a certain mountainside in which five faces were carved. There was no sixth face.

At least he managed to keep one of his promises, Sakura thought with a teary smile. Her hand continued to clutch at a headband that was more than slightly dented and had dark splotches staining the fabric.

Still clutching the headband close to her, she got up and headed towards her bedroom. She wanted to get out of her black kimono now.

.

It is not the oath that makes us believe the man, but the man the oath.

Aeschylus