A/N: This was inspired by the outrageously hilarious "Epic Rap Battles of History" series on YouTube. I remember on one of the videos, someone requested a rap battle between the Mad Hatter and Willy Wonka in the comments, and well, this monster was born from the suggestion. It should be noted that, 1). The characters used here are both from the Depp/Burtonverse, and 2). I really don't take this seriously, and neither should anyone else reading it! Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer:I do not own the Mad Hatter, Willy Wonka, Alice in Wonderland, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, etc., etc.
MAD HATTER
Well, well, well!
Look what the Cheshire Cat dragged in
You look like Michael Jackson's less-attractive twin
You have the cane but I'm the one with the gangster limp
You've never seen a vagina and yet you dress like a pimp!
You're a whimp! A bitch!
You're so overrated
Your movie came out in '05, you're so outdated!
Go home and tell Charlie to stop Wonka-ing your Willy
You think you stand a chance against the Hatter?
Ha! Ha!
You're so silly!
WILLY WONKA
Now just a minute, Tarrant
I don't like what you're sayin'
Let me open a can of Whoop-Ass and start lyrically slayin'
Suck my Everlasting Gobstopper 'til it gets hard
I'll fuck you up in Wonderland, or in my own backyard!
You think I'm ugly? When's the last time you checked a looking glass?
If I were you I'd walk backwards and draw a face on my ass
You're like a chick repellent, couldn't even score with Alice
Give her ten minutes with me and she'll be up in my phallus
You get pawned by a cat on acid, but Willy Wonka's the baddest
I can't lose 'cuz I've always had it
But you're so sad it's classic!
MAD HATTER
DOHWN WEHTH THA BLOODY BEHG ASSHOLE!
Let me make this fast so -
You can go crying to mommy and dad, oh!
You talk a lot of shit, for Tim Burton's biggest bitch
Bet you sucked his dick, when Johnny Depp would call in sick
I make the whole world hats, you make the whole world fat!
The very face of diabetes and your candy tastes like feces
You lure kids home with treats because it 'makes you smile,'
There's a name for that in Wonderland: a fucking pedophile!
This is denial!
I'll wipe the floor with you, get a clean slate
You gudler's scut, I oughta call Chris Hansen to regulate!
WILLY WONKA
I'll get my homie Sweeney Todd to put a blade in your throat!
Send J-Sparrow to ram your ass down in his motorboat
I spit lyrical fire until the smoke makes you choke
Figured I'd play your ass like Checkers but this ain't no joke!
Let's review the facts: you like tea parties and hats
No swag, no paper stacks, no chicks to suck your teabags
And I'm a worldwide empire!
My paper breaks the laws of physics
I own an army of midgets, and you can't get any bitches!
I be making bank from Rome to Japan, you be making tea up in Wonderland
'Cuz I'm a beast, I'm Wonka, I'm rich as hell!
So go back to your fucking windmill with those Petco Pals
A/N: What the flying hell have I done...