Dismantling Trigun Fanfiction

Naito Tenshi

A/N: This is meant in jest. Don't take offense from it if you've done these ideas; none of these are based on specific fanfics and they're all jokes. So sit back and laugh at yourself. Hell, I'm making fun of myself, so rock on.

Once upon a time, there was an outlaw named Vash, who had spiky blonde hair and eyes that were either green or blue. No official word had been decided on the eye color, as many wars were fought for many years among the Fangirls, a fierce tribe who worshipped Vash as an idol god, over this case and neither side has won yet. (Though, incidentally, they're green. Bluish, yes, but they're green.)

This outlaw was walking through the desert one day on his way to a city when he met a girl.

She was the most beautiful girl that he had ever seen. She had hair of silk and satin and velvet and shiny, pretty ribbons all mixed together that was the blondest blonde ever, and was more blonde than Knives' blonde (which really ticked him off) and shimmered in the sun like glitter and gold and sparkles. Lots of sparkles.

And her eyes were diamonds, or rubies, or sapphires, or onyxes, or some kind of expensive rock that's pretty and also glitters. Lots more sparkles.

Then she smiled at him and he was blinded by the radioactive white gleam that came from her teeth, and she walked up to him and she said, "Vash, my name is Mary. I'm a plant just like you, and I know everything about what we are and who you are and who Knives is and wow, look at my breasts."

And then she shook her heaving breasts, and Vash admired her rack at great length.

"Anyway," she continued, "I am here to tell you everything you don't know about our species and to tell you how to make Knives good again and to make the planet fertile and beautiful and make everything perfect and peachy keen."

Vash thought this was splendid.

"Also, I was a child that Rem cared for just like you even though it doesn't fit in anywhere in the timeline and my creator has blatantly ignored or simply cannot read the manga, and I am here to tell you all about her and, oh yeah, she survived the crash and she's over here hanging out with me."

Vash looked over Mary's shoulder and, lo and behold, there stood Rem.

Rem waved, "Hey, Vash!"

Mary chattered on, "So I think I should join you on your travels and we should have lots of nonsensical adventures while I save you from situations you're obviously perfectly capable of getting out of yourself, and you save me when I'm being a lovely damsel in distress, and we should go make Knives be happy and good and probably hook him up with my sister or some stupid shit like that. Okay?"

And Vash asked, "What was your name again?"

"Mary," she responded, "Mary Sue Johnson."

And then Vash smiled and said, "I love you."

So it was that Vash and Mary embarked on their journey, and Rem stayed standing there in the desert waiting for Vash to come back, and they left for the city and walked and walked and walked and stuff.

And they walked for a few days, and there was lots of sand and lots of hot, and then they were in a city, but they didn't like the city, so they left after a while, and they had lots of sex and stuff like that, and I forgot to write the insurance girls and Wolfwood into this so then they showed up in the city and they all went off and Wolfwood tried to figure out why Vash was being so out of character, but he was too out of character himself to figure anything out, so he just kind of sat there and smoked and stared at the sun until his eyes started to burn…

And they walked.

And then they stepped into a magic portal, and they found themselves in the corridor of a great big building, lined with locked metal cases on either wall, and they stared in confusion.

They were no longer on Gunsmoke.

And they were no longer adults.

"Wait," asked Wolfwood, "Why the fuck are we in high school?"

And then the chapter ended.