Tiny oneshot. Don't ask me what it means if you don't understand it as I'm not entirely sure it even makes sense, I'm having an off day. Forgive me.
Burning.
The frigid wind on your face, the cold air in your lungs and the muscles in your legs. All burning as you continue forward; your feet pounding hard on the sand, sending the tiny grains up in the air to whip the backs of your legs.
You like to run, it helps you focus and it clears your head.
Usually.
Today though, it's not working and no matter how hard you try, no matter how far you've run you can't get him out of your head. He's always there, a constant reminder of the conflict that's been bothering you for weeks. So you keep on running, and then a thought strikes you.
You're not just running, not really. You're running away.
Again.
You seem to spend your whole life running. You ran from your family, determined to make a better life for yourself in the army, you ran away from Dylan when you couldn't make your marriage work. Then you ran away from the job you loved when you made a fatal mistake, the sound of the gunshots a painful reminder of what you'd done.
And now you're running from your heart.
Predictable.
You don't admit it but deep down you know you're afraid of the unknown, afraid of taking a chance with the person you want to. You're afraid because it means starting all over again. Afraid because nothing in your life has ever worked out before.
And you really want to take that chance, but you just can't.
Tom.
You know you don't love him, you're not sure if you even like him anymore. But he's like a safety net, you've grown to know exactly what to expect with him, and being with him compels you to bury your true feelings. It's the same strange loyalty that kept you married even though you knew it was over.
And it's seemed to work, until now.
Iain.
He's been in your thoughts ever since he came to Holby. You can't help but be reminded of your past with him and it fills your head with 'what if's'. He's the cause of the persistent ache in your heart and you wonder how much longer you can keep the façade up, because every day it gets harder and harder.
Yet every day you continue to deny it.
Denial.
It's a dangerous place to be, dangerous yet appealing. It's so much easier to deny your feelings rather than confront them, but the longer you keep it inside the more painful it gets. The longer you keep lying to Tom, the harder it is to contemplate leaving him. You need to do something.
But not today, today you'll go back to Tom, back to pretending. As you continue on.
Running.