- The Waiting Game -
"So you like me."
Those four words hung in the air like daunting black clouds, anticipating a thunderstorm that would break hearts or mend shards together.
Regina studied her red painted nails. The A.C unit hummed behind her. Not another soul invaded the mayor's office as she cradled the phone between a honey coloured blushed cheek and a rigid shoulder.
"Yes."
"But it's been what? Six years almost?" Emma sounded terribly affected. "And that's a long time to like someone. As a friend I mean."
"We've come a long way."
"I mean, the first time we met," Swan laughed nervously on the other end, "sparks flew. In a good way or bad, I couldn't quite figure it out. What the hell. I was amazed. Come to think of it, I didn't expect…you."
Regina sighed. She smiled. Her chest heaved. "Impressed. Weren't you?"
"Hell yeah." Emma held her breath. She decided to take the plunge. "But friends like each other. Are you saying that you like me as a friend? As more than a friend?"
The brunette's end of the phone was silent for two seconds. "I like you as Emma. As…the extraordinary woman you are in so many ways more than just the definition of a friend."
Circling around the question with an answer as vague as possible.
That was Regina's tactic when backed into a corner. She would puff out her chest and buff her words into fancy sentences that served to revolve around anything but the truth.
"That says a lot," Emma muttered, feeling her chest tighten. Come to think of it, where did it all begin and end between them? The lines blurred and the feelings overlapped like waves spilling into their personal spaces.
"What does that mean?" Regina's husky voice was hard to read, obviously sounding rather normal.
"Do you love me as much as you loved Robin?"
"Emma, next question."
"I'm serious," the blonde croaked. Emerald eyes clouded with emotion. "I'm not rolling over this time. I want to know where I stand here. And if I'm to be honest, I want to say it as it is. Because I know how I feel about you. The hell, I know at nights how I dream about you. So if you can't give me something solid to work on, something convincing about how you feel, then this hurts me far worse than before."
There was complete silence.
Walking through a graveyard under the moonlight would have provided a haunting feeling. The kind to crawl one's skin. To open up pores and to make her shiver. But it was nothing compared to the bitter taste of uncertainty. The tension; so thick, she was suffocating with every passing second. She was walking through a graveyard, where all the moments they had shared were demarcated by headstones where their memories died one by one. And as much as Emma tried to breathe evenly through it all, her head grew lighter.
"Are you there?" the blonde had to ask, although her voice trembled a little.
"Yes," Regina said.
"I'm waiting on an answer." Emma felt herself grow colder. "Where do I stand?"
"I don't see you as a friend. I don't see you as an enemy."
"What does that mean, Regina?" the blonde's voice was strained. She was frustrated. "Jesus fucking Christ."
"It means that as severe as this sounds, whatever fairytale love you expect from me, I am not going to deliver. My life has been choked by tragedies. I lose everyone I fall in love with. After the second time, having your loved one die…so…tragically, your heart is never the same again."
Emma remained silent. Eyes squeezed shut never stopped the tears from escaping.
"And if you would like something substantial," Regina continued, her voice growing huskier which signaled emotions slipping in, "you mean so much to me. I do not want to lose you the way I lost Daniel and Robin."
There was more silence. There never was so much silence between them. Anger spewed or emotions boiling over. They would rush into each other's personal space and expel what was felt. If the situation had been serious enough for Regina, she would have already rushed over and confronted Swan. But no. Emma felt squished into a terribly dark corner, feeling entirely alone because the brunette chose to remain in her office.
This was not something to accept easily. Playing with someone's feelings. Because that was how all of this felt. Simply unfair. To expose her innermost core that night to a woman who meant the world to her. In her most vulnerable state. And to receive the blunt end of the stick with nothing to work around but a dead end.
That's how it felt.
Hadn't Regina just basically shut out any possibility of them moving into something deeper? Some place where the blonde had dreamed about for a long time? The death of Robin and Daniel had forced the brunette to shut anyone else out. Because she cared about Emma and didn't want to lose her, nothing more could happen.
Wasn't that the verdict?
Uncertainty grew. Emma fidgeted. "So why now?"
"Why now what?"
There it was again. The tingly sensation emanating from her beating heart all because the situation was lacking substance. She was fearing the outcome.
"Why are you telling me now that you have these feelings for me?"
"Because we live dangerous lives," Regina croaked on the other end. "We…place ourselves in situations where the fine line between being alive and being dead can snap. And we have seen people lose their loved ones. I find it advantageous to explore these feelings in voicing the truth."
"And after six years," Emma said plainly, "now is the right time."
"What are you implying?" the brunette frowned. She slid a black ink pen neatly into place on the polished surface of her desk.
Swan sighed. "Never mind."
"No. Get it off your chest." Regina collected the pen and clicked it. Those brown eyes studied the tip, coated in black ink.
"How do you feel?" Emma was growing shaky. Her fingertips had grown cold. Emma pressed them onto her jeans and couldn't feel anything for two seconds. Then the sensation returned.
"Foolish for even having this conversation with you. As it is," Regina twirled around in her chair, legs crossed, "already I am regretting doing this over the phone. Perhaps we can meet later? After work?"
"Um…" Emma swallowed hard. "I don't know."
"How does Night Cap sound? The small café on Cove Street. Say…" she checked her watch, "around six?"
"I don't know as yet. I have a pile of paperwork to move through," there was a terrible sensation behind her throat. Tears were held at bay and Swan couldn't decipher the meaning behind that reaction as yet. "Might not be okay for me."
Regina sighed. "After six years of knowing you, I can sniff out when you're lying."
"I'm not…lying." Emma sat up and could literally feel her heart straining. "I'm just…really busy. And this can't wait."
"Great," the brunette said, laughing lightly. "I've just asked you out on a date. And you're passing me over."
The blonde frowned. "Really? I didn't get that vibe. Thought you just wanted us to talk things over."
Silence.
The clock on the wall ticked. Emma twirled her pen around two fingers.
Regina squeezed her eyes shut. The corners of her eyes were slightly wet. Even though she was entirely alone in her office, the walls seemed to be whispering from all corners. Doubting her. Mocking her. Suggesting that she was, and always be a fuck up whenever love came knocking. And although the tears were held at bay, her heart began to cry.
"I just thought…" her voice trembled. Refusing to sound quite vulnerable on the phone, she cleared her throat. "I just thought that you, more than anyone else, would understand how difficult it is for me to progress easily into these awkward situations. I hate change. Deviating from the norm."
"And the norm is a woman and a man," Emma said, a streak of fire cutting through her chest, "a guy asks a woman out and they share a drink. They talk. Then there's a second date. And a third. By the fourth one, they've already made out a dozen times –"
"You have…no idea…how this feels," Regina began.
"I have no idea how this feels?" the blonde was astonished. She stared at the wall in front of her. "Look, maybe you didn't catch on long enough but a couple years ago, when I first met you, you wrapped a string of lights around my heart and since then, I haven't looked at you the same again. Things change. People change. But I've always felt the same about you. Whilst you've fallen in love with Robin and…had a rollercoaster of feels. And I've been backed in the corner with a shitty pirate who proved to me that men are cheap and skanks."
"Emma."
"This is unreal, Regina!" The blonde rushed out. "Out of all the people I've ever met in my life, it had to be you. I sent you that message a week ago just to get things off my chest because when dust lingers, it chokes the shit out of you. I never expected you to even like me back. You like me as a friend. Well yay Emma. You've shown me towards a dead end."
"Is that how you understood all of this?" Regina's voice was reduced to such a hoarse quality, if the room wasn't silent, she would have been inaudible. "I read your message over ten times. Per day."
"And you took a week to break me."
"Isn't that what love entails?" Regina was already mentally envisioning the message on WhatsApp, "to break one's self then to reform a heart into something quite extraordinary? As I can recall, you claim that you wanted me to know the truth. You further expounded on how your crush on me lasted for a long time then dwindled when you believe that your feelings wouldn't be reciprocated."
"I know what I said," Emma felt cold. "I don't need you to repeat."
"It was never easy for me to linger in that moment when I'm around you. Most times I would step out of the current, merely to avoid making myself look like a fool. I know how I feel. I know what it means. And it is not easy but it is the way it is."
"You're saying all these things to me and I'm being dragged back in and I don't want to be dragged back in the deep. Because I've always warned myself that this would never be easy." Emma was shaking her head. "This isn't supposed to be easy. That's why I never said. I got out and stayed away. And for all these years, I've kept my promise."
"That you would never go there…with me," Regina croaked, remembering the message. "That you would…rather walk away and with every passing day, erase those pangs of love for me."
"I said that."
"You said those things when you believe that I didn't feel the same. You said. In your message, that it was the one chance you had to get it off your chest and moving forward, you would simply disintegrate what you felt for me. From my understanding, the foundation you built those feelings on has weakened and is so flimsy, it resembles dust that the wind will blow away easily."
"I'm…so confused right now," Emma felt a slight headache coming on. "I'm conflicted. I can't think."
"Meet me," Regina reminded her. "This evening. There will be no more frayed edges."
"I can't," the blonde croaked. "Look," she sighed, shaking her head, "I gotta go. Like I said, shitload of paperwork and it's all on me."
"Emma."
"You can't expect to drop a bomb on me and not give me time to feel the aftermath."
"What does that mean, Emma?" Regina croaked.
"It means that from where I am right now, all I heard from you is this," and her lips trembled from holding back a rush of tears. "All I heard is you basically telling me that you do give a shit about how I feel but you're not going to go there with me. You're not going to ever give me a chance because you don't want to lose me. How am I supposed to react to that? How am I supposed to feel? I'm not Robin. I'm not Daniel. This is us. It's not the same –"
"Emma," Regina ducked her head. Her chest quivered. Tears leaked down her cheeks.
"What if all your life, you've been waiting on me to come along to change you? What if I'm the first page in your fairytale?" the blonde was crying at that point and she wasn't afraid. "We met each other, not by coincidence, but by fate. You said so yourself. You said. That even before I was born, I was meant to break your curse. To change you. To be your undoing. And maybe nothing ever worked out with those guys because you were always meant to be with me."
"Emma, I want to see you –"
"I don't want a perfect fairytale, Regina," Swan croaked. She sunk lower into her chair. "I just want to know that all those times I fell asleep when I was little, dreaming of a Queen saving me, and every night after I met you when I dreamt that you were going to kiss me, I just want…to know…at least to you…that part of it can be real. I don't want to keep dreaming."
Regina sunk lower into her chair, which was very unbecoming of her usual posture. "Stay where you are," she whispered. "I want to see you. Now."
"I gotta go," Emma said simply. "I don't want to see you right now. And. If you're never going to give me a chance. Then I don't want to see you for a while." She ended the call without second thinking it.
Xx
She had the sheer confident feeling of somehow believing that all of it was a painful joke.
The fragility of the matter was even more pressing when prior events were considered. The loss of a loved one. Robin. Regina had let go by grieving alone. In fact, she hadn't much time to weep when disaster struck again. Then suddenly they were both tugged into New York to rescue Henry. One tragedy after the other and yet, nothing transpired between them that suggested anything but a friendly encounter.
Why had she done that?
Why did she send that revealing message?
After five beers maybe? In a pub, all alone on a Sunday night when the moon's light cascaded upon the trees clustered around The Burrow and men slapped dominoes onto the table within the walls? Emma had sat down at the table and her drunken state slowly unraveled a few things.
Like why had she detested Robin so terribly from the inception?
She never liked the guy. He was a funny looking man. His charm was superficial. Apart from the kid, and his fatherly glow, Hood couldn't ever impress her. Until she dug deeper into the wound and realized where the poison leaked from.
It was not lust.
It was not just admiration.
But the feeling of love that planted roots so many years ago and had grown a tree inside her heart.
Regina wasn't merely a tenant in there. But she had become the owner.
Now she was seated in that same spot by the window, staring at the bottle of the beer and wondering why in the world she had passed over that damn date.
Maybe they would be sharing their first kiss by then. Or all of it would turn into one sour joke.
She had no one to share those feelings with. Snow would throw a fit and her father might turn into a stone. Henry would sympathize and awkwardly shift around in his seat. Ruby might shed some light on how ridiculous the situation was. But there was no one that would understand how terribly upset she was.
Two days passed. Then four. Then a week.
She had uninstalled WhatsApp. As ridiculous as it would seem, Swan had decided to block out that pathway for contact. She couldn't view the app the same again. Every idle moment was spent on opening the chat window and checking to see if Regina was online. Which she always was for the three days following their emotional conversation. But then after deleting the app, Emma received ten missed calls then another ten every day after. And then five.
This was not supposed to happen.
One evening, since her vitamins had depleted, Emma found herself wandering into the Pharmacy to restock. Mike was having a field day with a Three's Company marathon on cable. The interior of the place was empty, so she strayed around and ended up facing the section with an assortment of cards for every occasion. But for some odd reason, those emerald eyes rested on the 'for someone special' ones with the terribly sweet messages all decorated with flowers.
She plucked one out and opened the flap to reveal one simple line:
Even though I've just met you, my heart feels as if we've been destined to find each other in every lifetime.
Emma's eyes watered a little. She cleared her throat, glanced around and hastily returned the card into its slot. Then pulling out another one, her nervous fingers opened it up to reveal yet another string of words that sent her on a rollercoaster of feels.
For the one woman who has proven to me that the notion of soul mates is not a myth. But a true tale left for me to seek out the truth. And I have found you.
Terribly painful.
She stood there gazing at those words and felt her heart strain to escape. To sing. To roam free.
The bell tinkled behind her. Someone had entered the shop, wearing a black hooded trench coat. Emma moved along into the chocolate aisle and plucked out a Hershey's bar. Oh the thrills of binging on candy was tempting. Curled up in her bed with sad movies on Netflix whilst stuffing her cheeks for hours seemed like a plan. But then, would the pain ever stop? Would her tears ever stop flowing?
They lived in the same town. They breathed the same air. She was alive in the same world as the one woman who owned her heart. Never, had anyone ever ruined her like this. Not even Neal. Not when he had slipped into that portal. Wounded. Not when she met him in Neverland and they expelled their feelings. Nothing felt like this. So raw and pure. So real. So painful and yet so blissful.
It was like becoming someone else. Evolving and changing.
"I'd like a refill on my prescription."
Someone was at the counter. Emma felt something flutter inside of her. It was like awakening to the sound of a voice. A familiar one. But she couldn't quite decipher the owner simply because her mind was entirely buried in a shitload of feelings.
"Prozac." Mike confirmed.
"Excedrin."
"A bottle?" The pharmacist shuffled his feet about. Mike was a heavy set man.
"Yes."
That voice. Emma's world inside her mind suddenly fell into mute as she frowned. Slowly placing the Hershey bar back onto the shelf, those emerald eyes strained look.
"Damn migraines, eh?" Mike loved being chatty. He was a jolly soul. "Brings out the demons in all of us. Had one last Sunday when I had to watch the kids. Took two Excedrin and it was gone in what? Five minutes tops?"
"My life has become a constant migraine."
Emerald eyes widened. Her heart sank lower and did a couple flip flops.
"That bad, huh? No offense but the bags under your eyes don't look too good. You look too pale. Might want to take some builders. I'd recommend Zzquil but I know you have those side effects from sleep aids."
"No sleep aids, please," Regina croaked.
Dear God, it was her. Less than six feet away behind the very row of candy the blonde was standing behind and for some odd reason, her lungs had given up entirely on functioning.
"Look, if it makes you feel any better, I'd recommend buying a box of incense. Helps your mind relax. Herbal tea too." The cash register pinged as he sorted out the change.
"The only cure for my situation right now is the sleeping curse," Regina was so hoarse, she sounded terrible.
"Don't talk that way, man," Mike was worried. "Give it time. If it's a guy, he's an asshole. You deserve better. Fine looking woman like you, better yet with the brains you have? I'd say no man will ever be your equal. But look, I'm no expert when it comes to love and I'll say this. If it's meant to be, things will work out. Give it time. Don't beat yourself up. Just breathe. Breathe and…" a few seconds elapsed. "Take this. It's on the house."
"Thank you," Regina didn't sound relieved.
"Chocolate helps. Munch on it and watch a sitcom. You'll be fine."
The plastic container of M&Ms Emma had been holding slipped out of her grasp and fell onto the tiled floor. The sound spread around her like a tidal wave and for a while, the silence lingered. Then, Mike, as precautious as he was, appeared at the head of the small aisle and frowned. When familiarity passed between them, he smiled and sighed.
"Oh it's you Sheriff! Thought it was a kid trying to steal from me. Been getting a lot of those lately."
Even before Emma could register the announcement of her presence in the store, Regina showed herself right next to the pharmacist. Her brown eyes widened when paired with emerald ones. She looked as Mike had described. Terribly sleep deprived and pale. Those red painted lips remained parted. And without second thinking it, Emma spun around and made a dash towards the exit.
"Wait," Regina cried weakly, the heels of her boots hammering on the floor as she chased after the rush of blonde hair. "Emma, stop."
Rounding the corner already, she felt entirely foolish to be running away like a delinquent. And from what? A situation that bound to happen eventually? The instance of them crossing paths in Storybrooke came along with a high probability. So high, that she was, in fact, surprised it hadn't happened sooner.
Just as she flew by the pet shop on Main Street and was about to make a dash into a familiar alley that would lead out into the other street, a whoosh of purple smoke obscured her vision. And just like that, she ran into Regina.
xxxxxxxxxxx
The wind was knocked out from her lungs as the anticipated fall was narrowly missed. Instead though, she felt the brunette's arms around her and everything inside of Emma shivered. Not from fright. But from slowly awaking from a coma where she had allowed her heart and her mind to slip into for the past few days. Now, she wasn't just becoming, but she was feeling and instead of a raw, painful wave of existing, the blonde felt the rush of warmth between them.
Regina couldn't let go.
She held onto Swan's shoulders, steadying herself as much as she was steadying the younger woman.
They stared at each other for a long time. A full minute revealed as much. That one was terribly sleep deprived, obviously devastated by what had happened whilst the other was all those things along with the appearance of a walking zombie wearing a red leather jacket.
She couldn't speak at first. Not when they were standing so close after the hurricane had ravished them. But then, Emma was familiar with the feeling of being run over by a truck when anything happened between her and Regina. It was always the same. The blonde would stride into the older woman's personal space and she would leave feeling her heart swell from either pain or more love.
"I have to go," Swan found herself saying, in a strained tone.
Regina, however, used every ounce of strength she had whilst maintaining a firm grip on the blonde's shoulders. "No. You can't." Tears welled up in those brown eyes.
Emma struggled within her grasp but she refused to let go. "I don't want to be around you right now. I need space."
"Look at me," Regina shook the blonde a little. Tears leaked down pale cheeks. "Do you see what space is doing to me? To us? I can't…do this anymore. I'm on the brink of losing myself. All of me. And you cannot deny that this is destroying you too."
"What do you want me to say?" Emma finally freed herself from the other woman's grasp and stepped back. "That I'm suddenly okay with everything? That I'm fine enough now to have us be friends again? Because I'm not. I never will be." She hugged herself and spun around, staring up at the overcast sky. "This is madness. I can't live in the same town as you and pretend that everything is normal."
"I don't want that," the brunette said in a small voice.
"There's only one other option. I have to leave. I have to…cut you off and start somewhere else. I can't…" she choked on her tears finally, spilling all those hurtful emotions into the space between them. "Fucking hell. I need you to leave me alone until I figure this out. Until I figure out what to do."
Crickets chirped. Somewhere in the distance, someone honked their horn. Soft oldies drifted from an upstairs window.
Both of them stared at each other.
Regina's chest heaved. "So it's not death this time that takes someone I deeply treasure away from me," her eyes brimmed with tears. "It's their decision to abandon me. When I need them the most."
"I can't be a friend who comforts you this time," Emma said, feeling no remorse. "You'll have to find someone else to do that."
"So that's it then."
"That's it," Swan nodded. She bit her lips. Something like a cold winter storm was brewing inside her chest.
"Just because…I can't jump into this without feeling like I am going to ruin it all, you're going to remove yourself from my life."
"You honestly think that you're the only one who feels like she's going to jump in and ruin everything?" Emma was astonished. "Newsflash, that's the way I feel too!"
"You're being cold to me and yet I can still stand here and think the world of you."
"And that's the reason why you'll be the one to ruin me," Swan pointed out. "You always play this game with me, Regina. You're always there, reminding me that I mean the world to someone. You. You're always…standing close to me when no one else wants to. You're always saving me. Running after me. Trying to get me to see that I'm a good person. That I'm worth it."
"Because you're an angel to me," the brunette said hoarsely.
"Don't do that," Emma warned, pointing a finger.
"You're pure and your heart reminds me of a garden flourished with the most beautiful flowers. If I stay with you long enough," Regina actually smiled, and her chest heaved, "I experience the purest form of love anyone can ever radiate with."
"Stop it." The blonde's voice shook.
But the older woman couldn't. She took one step forward, her hoodie falling into a clump around shoulders that fell. "You really want to know the reason why I am afraid to fall into your arms? It isn't because I don't love you as much as you love me. It's because I have so many sharp edges inside of me, that I am afraid of destroying you instead of completing you."
"Regina…" Emma begged, in a voice so weak, she was collapsing.
"I am terribly damaged, Swan," the older woman was merely twelve inches away. "I am not easy to love. To be with. I am clingy and depressed and sometimes I lose my sanity when my past comes back to haunt me at nights. I cry and I hurt myself. I have these…" she gently rolled up her left sleeve to the elbow and revealed scars. Some of them were fresh but healing.
The sight of those wounds hurt Emma so much, she tumbled forward and her fingers drew nearer until they wrapped around Regina's left wrist.
"Robin and I were not a perfect couple. He couldn't handle me. He couldn't stand the pain inside of me," the brunette croaked, her right hand moving to rest on the blonde's fingers upon her arm. "We fought so many times because he was frustrated. He wanted to change me instead of understanding me. And I don't want someone to change me. There's only one person who never wants to change me and she's threatening to leave. All you've ever wanted was for me to stay good. I've stayed good so long for you."
Without even second thinking it, Emma slowly wrapped her arms around Regina's crumbling form. She felt how the older woman melted into her embrace and welcomed it as tears overwhelmed them both. As their worlds didn't collide but meshed together.
"Don't hurt yourself," was the first set of words that she whispered into the fresh smell of rosemary between those lush dark tendrils.
"I do it when someone hurts me. And I want to take control again. Of my body. And I want to make myself hurt."
"I don't want you to hurt anymore," Emma held her so close, she didn't want to let go. "That's why I'm on the first page."
"Of what?" Regina croaked. Her fingers pressed into the softness on the blonde's back. She buried her face into blonde hair.
"Of your fairytale."
"Ah."
"Because I always take away the darkness."
"Says the one woman who wants to leave me in the darkness by myself."
"I'm sorry," the younger woman felt ashamed of herself. Of what she had suggested. "I am so sorry. I didn't know why you refused to give me a chance. I didn't know all of this."
"That's why you should have met me. At Night Cap. I said there would be no more frayed edges."
"Regina," Emma hugged her so tight, the brunette let out a small gasp of air. "Please tell me this is not me dreaming again. Make me believe it's real."
"It's real."
"I don't want to wake up if it's not real."
"It's real. Look at me."
Emma felt the brunette's fingertips run pathways through her hair and she immediately brought their eyes to meet. It was so strong, what she felt for the older woman. So real and endless like an oblivion of possibilities waiting to explore with the one person who meant the world to her. They had indeed come a long way already. But there was so much more to say and to do. She wanted all of the things.
Gazing into those brown orbs evidently was the beginning. Like an initiation, the blonde immediately felt her heart swell with love. More love that grew from their souls pulling like magnets towards each other as always. Always when she would find her and save her. When they would lock eyes in a group and instantly decipher the meaning behind a look.
Regina's cupped fingers lightly caressed Emma's right cheek. Where her fingertips felt the warmth emanating from soft skin, a feeling that entirely overwhelmed her. And even though they were so close in proximity, she yearned to be closer. So much that her lips trembled to taste the blonde's lips.
"Do you feel that?" she whispered. "Me. Touching you."
Emma nodded slowly, emerald eyes wide and registering a bewildered look.
"I don't want to lose you too. I would…die if I lose you. They were different. I can live with their loss. But you. You're," Regina's hand found the blonde's and she entwined their fingers slowly, "my Saviour."
"Then let me kiss you," Emma said softly.
"I can't." Regina's eyes glistened with tears.
"Why?" To hear that denial was much more devastating than anything else. Even the lingering sensation from the space forced between them recently couldn't be more painful.
The brunette offered a saddened look that supplied enough fear in the unknown. "I…don't…" she hugged herself and released the connection between them. Backing away slowly, the space felt terribly poisonous already.
So much pain felt in those inches, that Emma hastily closed the distance. "Don't go," she rushed out. Her hands were outstretched. Beckoning. Wanting for them mesh again. To feel more. "Come back to me. I wouldn't kiss you. I promise. Whatever you want. I'll…" Emma choked on her words, "…do it. Just as long as you stay with me."
Standing where she was and finally deciding to give in, Regina slowly reached out and allowed their hands to meet. Their fingers entwined. Their hearts moved from a loud hammering to a slowed pace. And gradually, she relaxed again, knowing that the anxiety would stay at bay and the coldness could be kept in a pocket. Because she didn't want to lose the person standing before her. She didn't want to lose Emma Swan above everyone else.
"What do you want me to do?" the blonde asked in a tender tone as they drew nearer in the moonlight. "We're in a pretty deserted place right now." She glanced around with a small smile. "I guess we should go somewhere else. And maybe…talk?"
"Talk," Regina began to nod. "Yes. I agree."
But why was she being this hesitant when going further was considered? Was the unknown so frightening? So terrible? Emma tried to read those brown eyes and highlighted only fear. Fear of what?
When they settled down under an umbrella at Night Cap finally, it was almost eight o'clock. The setting was serene, with a light, cool wind caressing their faces. And even when they had this opportunity to talk, she didn't know where to start. Because what she felt for Regina was too strong. The waves of everything intoxicating and pleasurable was killing her slowly. Until the older woman began to speak, in the softest tone she had ever heard.
Then and only then did Emma finally understand how love contained many corridors. Love could lead anywhere. Love, when found at its purest, never failed. There was always a way to move through the warmest currents and survive together.
"I don't want you to feel terribly sad about this," Regina began to explain. From her end of the table, she appeared so softened by emotions and feelings. And love. "What it means. When I denied a kiss. Is not simple to explain to you."
"I get it," Emma jumped ahead. "You really don't want to connect so fast and lose a third person. You're frightened."
"I am," the brunette croaked. The waitress brought their herbal teas with a plate of cupcakes and rested it down without a word. The older woman waited until they were alone to continue. Her eyes followed the tall blonde woman.
Emma actually smiled whilst witnessing this. Elbow on the table, and fingers driven through blonde hair, she tilted her head and took charge of that simple weakness. "I've never seen you check out another woman."
Regina gave Swan the deer in the headlights look. "I'm…not."
"You totally checked her out. The waitress. Just now. And you did it in front of me. I'm kind of hurt." Nevertheless, the blonde offered a sweet smile.
But the older woman did not return the reaction. "Forgive me. But I was merely wondering how she appeared somewhat like you as she walked away. I'll always remember the times you walked…away from…me. Those were the most hurtful memories in my entire life."
"Don't do that," Emma pleaded, reaching out to take Regina's hands.
"You have no idea." The brunette's lips quivered. "I am so afraid that this is going to end badly the second it begins. But we need to talk about what matters most now."
"And what's that?"
Regina leaned further over the table, and squeezed Emma's fingers entwined with hers. Her eyes blinked slowly. "Us."
Swan frowned however. "I don't feel like we're on the same page. I mean, first I'm thinking that you don't want there to be an us. And then now you're saying otherwise. So I'm kind of confused."
Of knowing and then doubting. Wasn't that what this was?
"It was…hard for me to watch two of them die. In front of me," Regina admitted, lowering her eyes onto the table. "Ever since then, I always felt the pain. Doubled. Then when I realized what my feelings meant in terms of you, I was bombarded with these nightmares of losing you the same way. When you explained the visions you were having where someone runs a sword….through you," the brunette shivered from the thought. Emma held onto her hands tighter. "I crumbled inside so much. To. Even imagine losing you in the most horrific way. Walking away from me, that would be hard to live with but I managed it. However, having you…"
"Don't do that to yourself," Swan said softly. "Look, we're way past those visions now. Things have been pretty peaceful for over what? Six months now? With the usual break ins and what not. But there are no monsters. No curses. Maybe it's like a sign. Saying that this is our time, you know? I've been getting these thoughts inside my head lately. You know. You and me."
"That's nice to know," Regina smiled.
"Yeah. I used to get them a lot too in the weirdest situations. Like when we were fighting monsters or working magic together. I'd glance over at you and I'd want to just…hug you. It was really funny. Like, yeah! We did it. It was ecstatic. Us. Together. Again."
"Sounds like a line for the bedroom," the brunette's cheeks flushed.
Emerald eyes widened. "Woah. Did you just say that?"
"I did."
"Us. In the bedroom. As in you and me."
"Yes."
She was blushing so deeply and Emma marveled over the sight. It was so overwhelming to witness no other than Regina, actually reacting this way. "And you were just saying that you didn't want us to kiss. What changed?"
"As I talk to you. Everything is changing for me. Between us. Don't you feel it? How light the air feels? The static is slipping away?" Regina's chest heaved. "I want you to know that beyond everything I have said, what I haven't said is like a warm summer storm inside my chest. Swirling around and soothing me. I don't want this to ever end. That is why I don't want to rush this."
"We're not going to rush it."
"Six years have passed, yes. But I have you. I want you in every single way I can manage and I am not ashamed to admit this."
"Don't be," Emma said softly.
"This is where we both need to be. Together. Familiar with how we both feel about each other. And there is no one else, my darling. No one else. I am not going to." Regina's words trailed away when she noted how emerald eyes filled with tears quickly. "What is it?"
"Nothing," Emma sniffed and blinked quickly, lowering her head bashfully. "Just that, you just called me…darling. It's always been Swan or dear or Miss Swan. Or Emma. On days when I meant a lot to you, you'd call me Emma. But now, you let something more slip out just now."
"Aw," Regina tilted her head. "Aren't we terribly mushy?"
"I'm really sensitive when it comes to everything you say to me. I can't help it, you know?" Emma's voice trembled. "Like when you said you cut yourself. Have you cut yourself because of me?" her tone weakened as their eyes met. "Please don't tell me that you have."
The brunette nodded once.
"Oh fuck," Emma crumbled from knowing just that one fact. Her head lolled sideways. "I'm one of the reasons you hurt yourself. Great."
"It's okay," Regina captured the blonde's wrists between her grasp and gently massaged just there. "The moment has passed. The pain will subside with every memory we share together eventually. Those scars wouldn't matter to me anymore. But the eventuality of our future. Is that not something anyone would look forward to? Painting brighter colours onto black ones?"
A while passed with silence between them as they both sipped their teas. Emma nibbled a cupcake, and couldn't tear her eyes away from Regina, who merely sat there studying the younger woman's hands and gestures as she gently pried apart the toppings from the delicacy.
"If you're damaged. Then so am I," the blonde finally said. It was evident. That much was. "You know, when I became the Dark One, I felt pain like never before. My soul was on fire. Coming back from it," she sighed, and collected her tea then sipped. "I don't think it will ever fade. So I know what you mean when you said that you're damaged. And your past was too painful. I mean, I might not know the magnitude of what you went through. But I lived in my own hell."
"And how do you handle the waves of painful memories when they come rushing in like tidal waves?" Regina was curious. She took up her cup of tea and sipped, eyes on Emma above the rim.
"I…" the blonde shrugged, "take it out in the gym. On the punching bag. I pound the thread mill. I don't jog. I run through the forest. Sometimes I write. Black poetry I call it." Emma half laughed, shaking her head. "I've written so much, and I hardly ever read them back."
"You…write poetry," Regina whispered, completely amazed.
Their eyes met. Emma's cheeks coloured a little. "Yeah. Not the kind you'd like though. I emptied out the pain into books."
"Where are these books?" the brunette wanted to know.
Swan frowned. "In my garage. Why?"
"I'd like to read them."
"No way," Emma shook her head. "I wrote a lot about him. I don't want you to read those."
"I want to read them still."
"The ones about him are so confusing. Sometimes when I read them back, I don't get why I was so deep inside a world where he wanted me to live in. Like all the stars were never out back then. But looking up in the sky tonight," those emerald eyes lifted to assess the velvet blanket, "I can see so many. So bright. All because of you. You just unzipped the world for me and I'm seeing things that I haven't seen before. I've been living in a pit mostly."
"You'll be fine," Regina smiled sweetly. "We'll get through this together. Love does strange things. It opens up passageways. I really don't feel as if anyone has ever showed you how beautiful love is. Have they?"
Neal came to mind but then he never made her experience the depth of what she was now. Emma explained this. But then, for some odd reason, she felt slightly jealous, knowing that perhaps Regina had been buried deep two times before. Until she lost them in death. Now did it matter that it was someone else? Her?
"Lucky you," she found herself saying with a little less enthusiasm. Swan avoided eye contact. "Two times and now I'm the third. Must have been so nice going down all those passageways with Robin and Daniel."
"Emma," Regina rested down her teacup immediately and pulled Emma's hands towards her. "Stop that."
"Why? You had them, didn't you? I had losers. All of them. Like you said, I'm not as lucky as you were to know what real love feels like."
"Are you going to judge me just because two other men taught me about love? Had I not met these two people, then I wouldn't have been here anymore. They were not perfect. But they happened to me. And their lives ended tragically, Emma."
"I know that," the blonde croaked. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. For expressing how you feel. Never do that," Regina said in a tender tone that resonated with the younger woman. "I just want you to know that life is a journey. It has a beginning and an end."
Those words resonated with the blonde for many days to come. Even when they didn't meet for four days, she held onto that conversation. That moment in time when they honestly sat down together and reveled in feelings and what ifs. And what could be and the future. Then as it seemed, the inevitable happened.
You see, Snow perhaps had a sixth sense that itched terribly when something was amiss. So the sudden blushed cheeks occurring with her daughter's appearance, if it wasn't related to Hook then maybe there was someone else. And she felt compelled to squeeze out the truth, simply wishing to aid in the progression of things.
When her mother rested the cup of steaming tea in front of her upon the counter, at first, Emma merely studied those heart eyes and grew puzzled. This wasn't something that happened every day. The last time those eyes came out, it was last year summer when she had been going around with Killian.
"What's up?" the blonde closed off WhatsApp where she had been messaging Regina, and all eyes were on her mother.
Snow snuggled onto the stool and planted her arms upon the counter. "Love is a strange thing, isn't it? We can be neck deep in it one time, then we're yanked out by someone else."
"Yeah…" Emma shifted around on her seat, "I guess." She collected the cup and sipped slowly. Ginger. Reminded her of being younger, stuffy with a cold and sitting in the kitchen whilst a foster mother told her stories about the random men that she slept with and robbed.
"Who is the lucky man?" Snow refused to prolong the agony of fishing around. Her daughter was good at playing the waiting game.
"Mom, I'm not about to go there with you."
"Why?" She seemed eager enough, tilting her head to one side and admiring the inner struggle.
"Because," Emma shifted around some more in her seat. "It's not something I want to talk about right now."
"Is he not the kind of man I would like to meet?"
"Maybe he isn't a man at all."
Snow immediately gasped, hands flying up to cover her mouth. It was unbelievable. "Dear God. I never pegged you as someone who would snatch from the cradle. But if he is above eighteen then –"
Emma sighed. Shaking her head, she collected the cup and deposited it into the sink without saying another word. It was one thing to have your mother becoming terribly nosy. But it was another to actually sit down and explain why, after all these years, the one person who pleased her more than anyone else was no other than her mother's step mother.
"I see you've been avoiding Regina like the plague," Snow suddenly said, from where she sat.
The blonde's ears perked up. She slowly rested the teacup away and held her breath.
"You need a friend, Emma," Snow continued. "I don't know what she did this time to upset you. But she's the only one around here who gets under your skin because she knows you. She understands you. And if you fall out with her, you two need to work it out fast. Because you're both sensitive and compelled to shut yourself away. I saw her at the Diner this morning. Grabbing coffee."
Emerald eyes softened. So she was indeed venturing out to take breaths of fresh air as advised.
"She asked about you. She wanted to know if you were doing fine."
But she only spoke to me last night, Emma thought to herself. Then a smile tugged at her lips. She had been asking about her. Wanting to still know. To show some kind of enthusiasm to Snow.
"I'll call her," Emma said softly, avoiding eye contact with her mother.
"You should. She's a very nice person to talk to and get advice from. In fact, she's the best person to go to when you're in a bad spot. Regina's heart is too big enough for her to handle. Sometimes I think that no man can ever love her as much as she deserves."
"She might be better off with a woman," the blonde found herself saying out loud. Then regretting it, she narrowly missed further questions by slipping out of the room, all the while, her mother's eyes remained glued on every move.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The evening was lovely enough to promise an uneventful stroll along the beach. With their shoes dangling from one hand, the two women walked with their fingers entwined. Reflecting on life behind them and marveling over the simplest feeling of being together that entirely resonated within their hearts.
She was no expert at love. However, Emma could always ascertain when something was going right. When something was climbing instead of nearing a cliff where she would slip and fall. Like with Neal, she had known somewhat deep down inside that it wasn't going to work out. The fear that gripped her occasionally, inside her chest, and forced her to rethink their future. But not now.
Now, she felt like her heart was really at home.
"So when are you going to tell her?" Regina smiled, realizing how time had changed so fast when she felt that the world was coming to an end.
"I was kind of hoping that you would," Emma dug her toes in the sand and savored the warmth beneath.
"Me?" The brunette was mildly astonished. "Why would you delegate that task to me?"
"So if she lunges at you, you can restrain her or something." The blonde shrugged. Regina laughed hoarsely, her head feeling light. "Come to think of it, I really don't believe mom will take this well. She fussed around the house for days when Ruby got with Dorothy. Kept wondering if Ruby had a crush on her way back when they used to sneak off and sleep together."
Regina let out another peal of laughter. "Well, that would make me feel awkward. But I don't believe she will be upset."
"You're too hopeful these days, you know that?" Emma squeezed the brunette's hand a little to place emphasis. "Suddenly got a lot of faith in things."
"That's because you happened to me," Regina said simply. "When I kept my fingers crossed, this is where my life led. To you. And as much as everything else should take on a harsher light in terms of reality, I cannot help but see things in a much more colorful perspective."
"Don't blame you," Emma tugged the older woman closer to the lapping waves. Their toes awaited the roll in of the water. "Look how long we've known each other. Too long."
"Like the tide, you kept coming in. Going out. Coming in then going out. And eventually you've flooded my heart with all these tingly feelings." Regina's chest heaved.
Just like that, the blonde yanked the older woman into her. Gracefully, almost as if they were dancing, Emma brought Regina into her, as close as they could manage. And just when those brown eyes widened, their hearts beating wildly, the younger woman leaned in and brushed her lips upon red painted ones.
It was glorious.
The feeling of barely tasting what was hers. Finally, after all those years, they were allowed to venture into a place where static remained for a long time. Now, all the tension had slowly been replaced by the kind of warm mushy sensation one gets from slipping into a hot bath in a rainy weather.
Regina couldn't just allow such a teaser to go by. She stared at Emma's emerald orbs and wondered, no, longed for more. Her very chest became overwhelmed with love, so much that nothing close had been experienced ever before. Not this kind of feeling. Of never caring about anything else in the world and just rushing in without thinking.
She squeezed Emma's hand and pulled her closer again, this time, pleading for that connection to be made again. And when Emma came in like a slow wave, immediately dropping her shoes to reach up and capture the older woman's neck, the blissful moment unfolded with no delicacy ever known.
This time, the blonde kissed her deeply, so deeply a low moan was unearthed. A sound so throaty, it tumbled through her and awakened all the other gray areas that had been resting for years. Clinging, she did, to Emma, her arms wrapped around like vines so that those weakened knees wouldn't give away.
But she slipped away regardless.
Regina's mind rose above the world and soared like her soul and heart. Her heart began to sing a hoarse tune until like crystal clear tones, it began to develop a melody. Encompassed by all there was, she kissed back slowly then passionately, feeling their lips move together and desiring more than the urge to breathe. She didn't want to breathe again. They had cleared the way for this moment and now all there was, and could be was so much more than what had been.
Slowly, Emma peeled away the pink fabric of Regina's dress from her shoulder and she trailed kisses across smooth skin. She was radiating with so much heat, and a scent of rosemary lingered there. Even as her teeth took the older woman's earlobe, the blonde sucked and felt how Regina trembled in her arms. How she gasped and awakened. How her body opened up like a flower and was willing to welcome everything else.
"This is where I want to be," the brunette whispered into blonde hair, her fingers driving pathways through soft tendrils. "With you."
"We've waited too long for this," Emma reminded them both. Especially herself as those rush of emotions welled up and bubbled over dangerously. She swayed towards the edge, teetering towards destruction, whether good or bad, everything unfolding was changing her.
"Remind me again why?"
Their lips brushed together as the blonde smiled. "Maybe somewhere along the line we stopped believing it could happen and…" She allowed herself to be kissed tenderly, "then we both crashed until we came up back again. This time. Ready to go."
"From the moment I asked if you're Henry's birth mother."
Emma held the older woman back in her arms, whilst studying those brown eyes. She was entirely affected by that memory. "Since then?"
Regina nodded once, biting in a smile.
"And you never said?"
"I never said it but I showed it."
"Maybe if you…" Emma pulled the brunette into her, so close the older woman mewled, "showed me somewhere private, then I might not have to doubt you. What do you think?"
Those brown eyes softened, then sparkled. "We're taking things slow remember?"
"Right," Emma sighed. "We're taking things slow."
xx