The Power of Magical Thinking
Oh dear, out here
Everybody stumbles on fear
Who cares if we're scared?
Everyone is on their own
She's still a mile or more from the prison when the haze of smoke on the horizon makes her stop the car in the middle of the road, dread an icy hand around her heart.
She drives the rest of the way on autopilot, faster than she knows is sensible, but by the time she gets to the gap in the treeline that overlooks the grounds, she can see it's useless to go further. The fences are down, there's a tank - a tank - in the yard below the guard tower, and the bodies, dear lord, the bodies… There are walkers coming in from all sides, and here and there a live human being, but there's nothing she can do for them, short of taking a kamikaze plunge into the midst of the chaos.
A wild shot glances off a tree to one side of her, and she ducks down next to the car, her heart thudding erratically. Through the dust on the windows, she catches sight of movement - Tyreese. And then a moment later, two smaller forms. Lizzie. Mika. They're running, and she stops herself from calling out to them. It's too far, her voice will never carry to them, and all the noise will be drawing every walker within miles. All she can do is turn the car around and head back down the road, get ahead of them, and then follow on foot. If they're all that's left… She checks her weapons, shuddering at the thought that she might have to use them to defend herself, if Rick has already spread the story of her confession.
Not in front of the girls, though.
Heartbreaks, mistakes
Catching up to me in old ways
I know of hard days
Had my share of lonely nights
She's got them. The girls. All of her girls. Seeing Judith in Lizzie's arms… it was almost too much. Almost enough to undo all her resolve to be strong and not let the grief overwhelm her.
Too many hurdles yet to cross.
The girls lead her through the trees, following the direction Tyreese took when he left them in the woods. (She understands why he left them, but it's too familiar. Too much like Rick's choice to leave Sophia hidden and draw the walkers away from her. In the long run, though, she can't hold him to blame. Either of them. Every decision is probably equally bad.)
Ty looks like an avenging angel, his hammer descending over and over to take out the pack of walkers, even though it's too late for the small group along the tracks. Only one of them remains upright, and she knows from his sobs of desperation that his number has already come up and there's nothing that can be done to save him.
She calls Ty's name, breaks his berserker trance, and he turns and stares, advancing on her. She steels herself for whatever is to come, knowing she has no way of fending him off with Judith in her arms. Weapons only inches from her hand, and if he chooses to attack she'll be at his mercy. His eyes are wide and welcoming, though, and he folds her into his arms, his embrace warm and so comforting it's all she can do not to cling to him and let herself cry.
"How… how'd you find us?"
She mumbles some explanation of having spotted them and followed as best she could, passing off her absence with a half-hearted lie about staying behind while Rick returned to the prison. Fortunately Ty isn't listening all that closely - she suspects he's so relieved to have help guarding his three young charges that she could say she'd been off disco-dancing with the President of Mars and he would accept it.
She shares out the few supplies she has carried with her, water and some basic rations, and they follow the tracks, as the dying man has told them to do. A safe place. Safe. She's not even sure she understands what that means any more.
It's only you that my heart desires
Only you alone can break my fall
They trudge on, mindful of the children's limits, always listening for the sounds of danger, but she lets her mind wander for the moment, relying on Tyreese to keep them safe. It's another man who occupies her thoughts, the man she'd believed she was coming home to. The man she thought would stand with her and help her confront this dizzying mess she's gotten herself into. No matter how strong she might have become since the Turn, she's yearned for his steadying presence over these past few days, and now - she's not even sure he's still alive. She'd like to believe she'd know, somehow, that there'd be an empty space inside her if he were - dead - but she's old enough to know that's not the way the world works.
One question hovers at the tip of Carol's tongue. One name. She can't ask. It's as if by breaking the silence she'd unleash the horrible truth - as though his continued existence is held sure only by the not-knowing. She holds his name like a prayer in her heart, and forges on.
The lyrics are from Brandi Carlile's "Oh Dear", off her 2009 album Giving Up the Ghost.