Disclaimer: I own neither FMA nor the song '1000 Words' from FF X-2.
Warnings: Allusion to Roy/Ed, though never named; song fic.
1000 Words
I know that you're hiding things, using gentle words to shelter me
Your words were like a dream, but dreams could never fool me
Not that easily…
I know why you did it, hiding behind words and smirks. You wanted to keep us going, keep us moving, but wanted to shield us from the Truths that you'd seen. You wanted us to achieve our goals separate from the path taken by the military devils. You wanted to preserve our innocence. You wanted to save me from selling myself, from selling my soul, as you had once. I pretended to not know, to not understand… but I did, even if I didn't show it. But try as you might to save me from the world, there was one thing you could never save me from—myself.
I acted so distant then, didn't say goodbye before you left
But I was listening… you'll fight your battles far from me
Far too easily…
You never would come to me. Time and time again, I manipulated behind the scenes, I kept my eyes and ears open, looking for anything to help you in your quest. But no matter how much I did, no matter what I said, you'd never come to me. It wasn't from lack of trust. I knew that much from experience. For all that you would yell that you hated my guts, and all that I pretended to blackmail you, we both knew that I'd rather die than betray you to our enemies. So I never understood why you never came… then he was gone. And now, as I see you turn away from me for the final time without so much as a word to face your battle, it has become clear—all this time, you were protecting me as much as I was protecting you…
"Save your tears cause I'll come back"
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door…
Only the brushing of a hand, our refusal to say goodbye… a promise.
But still I swore
To hide the pain when I turn back the pages…
I know you understood, I know you saw the promise, a promise of a later… but a promise that feared I would not be able to keep. But still I smiled as I fought down the pain, and made the promise to try… I owe you that much. There's so much more I'd like to say, to do, though I never told you…
Shouting might have been the answer
What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart…
As you ran towards your destiny, it was all I could do not to call after you, to follow you as I had done before. But I knew I could not. We both had our own battles to win, our own demons to fight, our own sins to atone… but now, after all has been done, and you are gone, I wonder if it was right. There was so much I was afraid to say…
"But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart…"
Though a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
Crossing over the time and distance holding you
Suspended on silver wings
And a thousand words
One thousand confessions
Will cradle you
Making all of the pain you feel seem far away
They'll hold you forever
So much we should have said…
The dream isn't over yet, and though I often say I can forget
I still relive that day…
How dare you haunt me like this, you bastard. In this world of mechanical dreams its your face I see every night. I see you, I breath you… I hear our fights, I see your smirk, I feel your skin brushing mine… I try to forget, just to stop the pain… but deep inside I crave these feverish dreams, where I can relive you again…
"You've been there with me all the way"
I still hear you say
'You've always been there, haven't you?' you said that night. I didn't answer. I was too distracted by the light of the fire in the hearth flickering over your face. What could I have said? That yes, I had been there. I had been there when you needed a path, I was there when you needed to remember your goals, to move forward... I was there to catch you when you needed to be caught, and occasionally there to watch you when you needed to fall. I was there through it all, even if you couldn't always see me… and I wouldn't trade it for a thing…
"Wait for me I'll write you letters"
I could see how you stammered with your eyes to the floor
But still I swore to hide the doubt, when I turn back the pages
And even as you smiled that day, after that promising brush of the hand, I saw the doubt behind your eyes. You never could hide anything behind those eyes. Maybe they were what first drew me to your side. Those eyes… like blazing golden suns, anything felt behind them magnified 100 fold. When everything else seemed to grow darker, those orbs of gold would flash with a light to find a path, or blaze through to make a new one. But as with the sun, one shouldn't get too close lest they be burned… just as you can't grasp light with your hand, I could never hold on to you…
Anger might have been the answer
What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait…
'Why does this always happen? No matter how much I sacrifice, I never seem to come out for the better.' These were my thoughts. At first anger and resentment drove me, and I became almost self destructive in my search for a way to beat the Gate again. But eventually their fire burned out, and I was left hollow inside. I had almost given up. Then, of all people, my father talked some sense to me. He asked, 'How did you beat it the first time?' I answered that I sacrificed my limbs. 'No,' he said, 'You didn't beat the Gate that time. You made a trade. How did you beat the Gate the first and only time…?' I was confused until I thought about it, and realized that there had only been one time-- the complete and total sacrifice of myself for Alphonse. I told him so. 'And why did it work? What drove that sacrifice? What made it any different than the previous one?' he asked. Of course, I thought, there must be a differing variable. It had occurred to me before that the 'equivalent exchanges' never seemed to be very equivalent. What made that one time special? It plagued me for months… until I found my answer. And I found it in the eyes of a woman as she sacrificed herself to give her children time to run from a gang of corrupt cops. It was a total unselfish sacrifice, no trading or bartering involved. It was the purity of the sacrifice that made beating the Gate possible. I had been so weak to believe that my strength could manhandle the Gate. It is only through our weakness, with an unselfish love, that the Gate can be bought. I had been weak and given up hope…
But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late
Cause a thousand words
Call out through the ages…
A pure love, an unselfish sacrifice…
They'll fly to you
Even though we can't see I know they're reaching you
Suspended on silver wings
I've given you my heart, mind, and body... now it's time for me to give you my soul…
Oh a thousand words
One thousand embraces
Will cradle you
Making all of your weary days seem far away…
If only to hold you one last time... long enough for you to know you're not alone…
They'll hold you forever
Oh a thousand words
Have never been spoken
So many things I never said, but now I send them to you with a wish and a prayer in the hope that somehow, they'll reach you…
They'll fly to you
They'll carry you home and back into my arms
…and bring you back to me.
Suspended on silver wings
The light is gathering, it is all or nothing…
And a thousand words
Call out through the ages…
'What have you brought to exchange?' I heard the Gate ask.
'I bring nothing, for there is nothing equivalent for love,' I whisper, though I know he can hear me.
'Then why should I let you pass?' he asks.
'I come not for myself, but for one who loves me. In his name and for his sake, I ask permission.'
'And how much are you willing to sacrifice for this man?'
'All that I am.'
They'll cradle you
Turning all of the lonely years to only days…
At first, my eyes could hardly believe what they were seeing. But there he stood in my doorway, dressed oddly, but unmistakably him. Then he smiled, and I felt the tired anguish that I hadn't even realized I had been carrying around with me for these several years wash away into nothing. And his eyes stared warmly without their scorching blaze, and I found that I could, after all this time, finally hold him.
They'll hold you forever…
Thanks for reading,
~Air