Hey there guys!
So here is our 4x06 post-ep, co-written with the wonderful svugirl25, she's amazing! This was super fun and challenging to write for me, so I really hope you guys enjoy it.
From svugirl25: Most importantly, I wanna tell everyone that I appreciate the messages and support from my recent loss. This show and fanfic is part of my coping, so thank you. Also, a huge thanks to anyone who voted for me in the RB awards. It was my first win, and it really meant a lot to me. Thank you so much! And a super huge thanks goes to the awesome Nicole for letting me co-write with her. Her creativity inspires my own.
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance." - George Bernard Shaw
"His dad gave him a pint of pistachio ice cream. They ate it together...and he wasn't so nervous anymore."
Andy caught Sam's eye as she made her way toward him. He'd seen that look before. He knew something was wrong. "McNally, what is it? You have a look," Sam stated.
"I just ran the cab. Traced it back to impound. It was formally evidence."
"What case?" Frank spoke up.
"Ross Perik," she revealed, darting her eyes over to Sam's. "It was registered to Ross Perik right before he was arrested for the murder of Detective Barber."
Sam looked between them, before racing past Andy and almost sprinting to the locker room.
As quickly as humanly possible, he opened his locker and grabbed his pocket watch from the top shelf. After clutching it in his hands for a moment, Sam felt his knees go weak and his body sink to the bench. The sight of the watch forced memories to invade his mind – some brought a quick smile to his face and others haunted him.
A few minutes later, as he continued to stare at the watch, he realized what he had to do.
This time, he had to make certain the watch would bring about a positive change. It would now be his motivation to do something he should've done a long, long time ago.
Carefully putting the watch in his jeans pocket, he shut his locker door and hurried out of the room in search of Marlo.
"Callaghan," Sam said quietly, getting Luke's attention. When the other detective turned around, Sam started talking. "Do you mind running this thing?" Not being able to face Luke eye-to-eye any longer, Sam glanced downward. "I'll…I'll grab McNally, and we'll take the impound yard and figure out about the cab." Sam tried his hardest to make his voice sound like his own.
"Yeah," Luke replied lightly.
Though the look on his face didn't give anything away, Sam was internally grateful to Luke. "Okay? I'd just rather be out on the street."
"Yeah sure," Luke agreed.
"Thanks." Sam spun to his right and walked through the parade room. "McNally," he simply said, tilting his head to indicate they were riding together.
Before trailing behind Sam, Andy gave both the back of Sam's head and Luke a confused look.
Many questions were swimming through her mind at that time. But...she was happy Sam actually wanted to work with her today. The case was significant between the two, and recognizing that Sam wasn't exactly pushing her away today made her want to smile a little. However, what mattered most was that he apparently needed her, and she would do whatever she could to help.
As Marlo watched the pair walk away together, her expression was full of distaste. Sam and Andy looked perfect together. And as much as Marlo hated and disagreed with what happened between her and Sam just a few minutes before, she understood why Sam had broken things off.
Just seeing Sam and Andy together…anyone could tell…they were meant for each other.
Sam fingered his pocket watch, softly tracing the cool metal with his fingers. He wrapped the chain around his hands, thinking back through everything that had happened prior to owning this pocket watch.
He thought back to the happier times. The times where he'd hang out with his friends and have a few drinks. Or when he'd play poker and win all of Jerry's money.
He remembered the time he spent with Andy - how amazing it had felt to be able to have her with him. How he could wrap his arms around her while kissing her and playing with her hair.
He recalled the memory of her moving her into her apartment, saying she was finally home – that was what she had always been to him – home.
But now, without her with him everyday...he felt like he was lost.
When Andy started speaking, he was pulled out of his trance.
"It's gonna take a bit to look at the records, computer guy just went on lunch. But they're callin' him."
"Lunch? Great," he said sarcastically. "Did you tell 'em we're in the middle of an investigation? That there's a missing girl and a cab that traces back to..."
Andy softly looked at Sam's stressed out features, his tone of voice telling her he was frustrated.
"Yes, I told them," Andy said calmly. "It's just gonna be a few minutes."
Her eyes looked down to Sam's hands that were still playing with his pocket watch. A sinking feeling formed in her stomach, as she remembered the fateful day that changed their lives and them.
"Sam," Andy started, looking down at her feet nervously.
"What," he questioned, not missing a beat. It was almost as if he knew she was going to say something.
When Andy looked back at Sam's face, he realized he hadn't made eye contact with her. She opened her mouth to answer him, but all that came out was a loud breath. Looking back at the ground, she gently shook her head.
"What," he repeated.
"Nothing, nothing. I just..."
"Okay, no, no, no, not today, McNally. Okay," Sam almost begged, as his eyes finally met hers. The pleading look in those eyes of his nearly made Andy consider shutting up.
Nearly.
She looked back at the ground and tried to reason with him. "Okay. I just thought maybe-"
"I chose you so we wouldn't have to talk about it," he interrupted harshly. "We were partnered that day, which means I don't have to explain anything, okay? Clear?" Sam unintentionally barked at Andy.
"Crystal."
Sam knew he was being a little hard on her. He wasn't the only one who had experienced...things...that day. She was there with him, and she had experienced everything he did.
He just wished that opening up was easy. He wished he'd called out to her for help instead of pushing her away.
Andy was there with him today, not only because he wanted her to be, but also because he needed her to know - that even though they both made mistakes that day, he still trusts her more than anyone.
When they continued the investigation back at the barn, Andy sifted through the computer, trying to find even the tiniest hint of a clue for the case. "This is a needle in a hay stack," she started as Sam approached. "I mean, it could be any one of these people."
"McNally, I'm…uh…just trying to do my job. Why don't you give that a try," he suggested bitterly.
Ever since the day they met, they had always acted like a married couple. His first physical reaction to her was a teasing-filled chase. Hers? Ending the chase by tackling him to the ground; though, it was still up in the air as to who was the 'cat' and who was the 'mouse'. If asked, each would claim themselves as the 'mouse', Sam's excuse being 'tackled me, tried to kiss me.' However, from an outsider's point of view, their roles might not have ever been that different – after all, maybe some mice love the thrill of the chase or maybe some are brave enough to chase a fearful cat.
But there had been more to that day than a chase. The day did not lack in flirting or arguing as if they had known each other for years. Confronting each other had never been an issue for them; it was facing their own demons, together, that was the problem.
Andy furrowed her brows and a turned to him with a look of confusion.
She pulled the headphones from her ears to let them hang around her neck. "I am doing my job," she said, sassily pointing to her computer. "You don't wanna talk? Fine. We don't have to." She turned back to face the monitor and placed her headphones back on her ears. "Stop treating me like a personal punching bag...please."
Sam let out a loud breath and slumped back to the desk behind him, knowing that he'd been out of line. As he picked up the phone to answer Oliver's call, his frustration was evident in his voice. Little did Oliver know at the time that the source of Sam's frustration in that very moment had been a McNally argument.
If Oliver had witnessed the scene, he would have shook his head and chuckled, imagining a time in the future where Sam would be answering his call with the same tone after another McNally argument – the difference being the additional sound of little voices yelling 'Daddy!' in the background.
"Hey," Sam said curtly, dumping his duffle onto the table beside him. He watched Andy turn toward him before taking a long breath. "I'm sorry I was hard on you this afternoon. I just...I...I needed you to back me up. That's why I wanted to ride together. I thought you should know."
Andy nodded with a slight smile that attempted to hide the underlying truth – she wasn't ready to forgive him just yet. "Okay."
"Okay," he confirmed. After keeping his eyes on her for a moment, Sam casted them downward and nodded to himself. Silently acknowledging that her acceptance of his apology didn't seem completely sincere, he briefly let a self-depreciating smile appear on his face. Glancing back up at Andy, he willed his feelings, or something, to just spill out of his mouth. "How you been McNally?"
Practically anticipating his question, she exhaled and raised her head up. Quickly shrugging one shoulder, she replied with a feisty, fake expression of contentment. "Good."
And for a very brief moment, if looks could kill, he would have been dead in a flash.
Immediately regaining control over her internal anger, she continued the conversation. "What about you?"
Sam took a deep breath and shook his head. Looking off to the side, he tried to find the word he was looking for. He didn't want to say 'good', because it would be a lie. And there were already plenty of those going around.
The last time he'd been good was when he could call her 'his'.
"Who knows," he smiled, before looking back at her and finally finding a word to settle on. "Stable." He knew his answer was a cop-out. Ever since they broke up, he'd been the opposite of 'stable'. But he went with it anyway, wondering if she'd see right through his facade. "If you can believe that."
His heart naturally beat a little faster when he saw her smile. Apparently, she didn't see through me. Then again, who could blame her after what I've put her through?
"I'm glad," she told him, sincerity evident in her voice this time. "As your friend, you know. 'Cuz I…I really do wanna be your friend." In spite of her hurt and anger, she truthfully did want to be his friend someday; she had previously admitted to herself that it was better than not having him in her life at all.
Sam looked away for a second and then back to Andy. "I thought we already were friends." If it had been a day where she didn't feel the need to strangle him…though, there had not been a day like that since the break up…she would have remembered a happy time when he had given her that same secret smile. Don't tell anybody this, but I was Ernie the zamboni driver.
Andy bit her lip and squinted her eyes, trying to study the man in front of her. She honestly didn't know if he was kidding. Did he really think they were already to that point? Wasn't he aware of what she really meant by 'as your friend'?
"You think we're friends?" She almost spat it out. "Does this, right here…" she started, signaling between the two of them. "…feel like a friendship?"
He was shocked, to say the least. She was smiling a little before, and now, she was…serious. "Uh..."
"No," she cut him off. "This is not a friendship. Not yet. We're still treading around each other, Sam. We're not like we used to be."
"Of course we're not like we used to be," he almost yelled. "You left!"
Andy scoffed. "So you're blaming this all on me," she said incredulously. "I can't believe the nerve you have!"
Sam crossed his arms and looked around the locker room. Each woman in there was staring at them like a hawk. All it took was a raised eyebrow from Sam, and every single one finished what they were doing and were out of the locker room in record time.
"You can't believe the nerve I have," he started quietly. "How could you up and leave like that? Honestly. How? I made you promises, alright. I told you that I'd do all this crap, I said that I'd-''
"You said that you'd take out my garbage and make me dinner and walk my dog. But all of that is just what you said – crap," she snapped. "If you really meant what you said, I wouldn't have come back from the task force to find you sucking face with another officer. Especially after you said you couldn't do this job and be in a relationship."
"I didn't say that," he reminded her. "I said that I couldn't be a cop and be with you, not be in a relationship."
Andy's eyes widened. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and popped out a hip. "And that's supposed to be better," she shrieked.
Sam closed his eyes and breathed out. "I didn't mean for it to sound like that," he informed her. "I meant that this job is too...hard...to do when-''
"It's too hard to do while I'm around," she finished for him. "Because I'm a distraction, and I get into too much trouble and then you have to come after me to make sure I don't kill myself. But hang on a second…" Her anger got the best of her and caused her to play dumb. "I also go around and get other people kill-''
"Don't you dare finish that sentence," Sam seethed. She knew she'd pissed him off. The fire could practically be seen in his eyes. She immediately shut her mouth, but kept her defensive posture; however, his stare was becoming extremely uncomfortable. Forcing himself to reign in his own anger, Sam elaborated. "What I was going to say was that this job is too hard to do when you're there. It's too hard to do my job when you're in harms way. It killed me every single time I saw you even close to getting hurt. It was like..."
He stepped a little closer to her and made sure that she was looking into his eyes before he kept talking. He needed to know that she was listening to every single word that left his mouth.
"I felt sick knowing that I couldn't be there to protect you all the time. That in a millisecond, everything could go wrong, and I'd lose you." Sam's voice began to crack, so he stopped for a second. He put his head down and pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a long, hard breath to control his emotions. "Losing Jerry was hard enough for me. I felt like I died that day," he told her seriously.
Andy felt a stinging sensation start in the back of her eyes. She blinked a few times, willing it to go away. But it stayed there, and a few seconds after her vision blurred, she felt wetness slowly making a trail down her cheek.
"But I would physically die if something happened to you." He swallowed thickly and raised his head. "I lied, about the reason why I wanted to ride with you," he whispered. "I needed comfort, but I was also scared that something might happen to you. I needed to protect you."
"The cab driver didn't even do that much to me, Sam. He didn't abduct me or..."
Sam chuckled painfully. "It doesn't matter. He still hurt you. That is not okay."
"So it's not okay for other people to hurt me, but it doesn't matter when you do."
He blew out a frustrated breath and angrily rubbed his hands over his face.
"Of course it matters! I feel like a piece of garbage for how I've hurt you and everyone else! Why do you think I broke up with Marlo earlier?! I'm sick of all the lies!"
Andy gasped. "What," she breathed.
Sam sighed. "When I found out who the case was tied to, all I could do was stare at that stupid pocket watch and think about all the wrong choices I hade made before with both you and the case." He rushed the words out, knowing it was the only way he could admit the truth right then.
"You have to know, Andy, that I never blamed you. And I'm sorry if I made you feel like I did...it was just my anger taking over. I took it out on everyone, including myself, but the person I took it out on the most was you, and you didn't deserve that. I just didn't know how to deal with any of it."
She understood where he was coming from; however, she wasn't done.
"But, Sam," Andy groaned. "I tried to help you deal with it, and you wouldn't let me."
"I know, and the worst mistake I ever made was shutting you out and letting you go. I broke my promise to you, and you'll never how much I regret it."
Andy stood silently, contemplating what to say next.
"The thing is, you never stopped pushing me away, even after I came back."
"I know," Sam said, squeezing his eyes shut in regret. "I'm an idiot."
Andy ran a hand through her hair then dropped her arms helplessly to her sides.
Pausing for a minute, another thought came to mind, causing her voice to rise again. "And today, did you even consider how I felt, having to re-live the thing that tore us apart?!"
"I get that today was hard for you, Sam, but I tried to be there for you, as a friend, and you shut me down. And if you're so regretful of how you treated me the first time, then why did you not even think to ask how today was affecting me? Do you think it was easy for me to act like we had never been through this before? Especially after you shut yourself off to me, again, just like the first time, making me think that nothing had changed - that it was gonna be some repeat of before."
Sam's guilt was written all over his face. The way his shoulders slumped and his face fell made him look utterly defeated.
"Of course I thought about you, Andy," he said sincerely. "I thought about you the entire day. I thought about how I had done everything wrong the first time and how much I still hate myself for it. I thought about how sick it makes me when I look in the mirror and see this guy that I never thought I would be, a guy that hurt the only person he ever loved, over and over, and doesn't even have the nerve to face the facts and tell her how he feels." His voice had turned into somewhat of a yell as he got more worked up.
"I'm not talking about the past, Sam; I'm talking about today," Andy said. She watched Sam take a few purposeful steps toward her. But she stood firmly, crossing her arms over her chest again.
"If you care so much, then why did you still push me away, when I tried to talk to you earlier? All I was doing was trying to offer you some comfort, Sam, regardless of anything I was going through. I didn't care at the time how I felt...all that mattered was you! That's all I cared about in that moment! So tell me, Sam, why did you shove me out again?! Just tell me why!" She shouted her plea.
"Because I didn't know how to deal with it this time either!" Sam roared his reply, his own lion involuntarily coming out. "There, are you happy, McNally?!" Andy's eyes widened in shock and Sam immediately felt regretful. He shouldn't have yelled like that, but she'd gotten him worked up again.
Although he forced himself to calm down, his self-depreciation was re-ignited. "Despite being a detective, I still can't cut it. After all this time, I still have no clue what I'm doing," he said with a humorless chuckle. "I broke up with my girlfriend today because I realized that I was only fooling myself, that I done everything wrong the first time, and this case was my chance to show you that I trusted you to have my back, despite what happened before. And of course, no surprise, I failed again. So there's you some dirt you can use in your next therapy session, McNally. I'm sure you'll both have fun analyzing me."
After his speech, Sam clenched his teeth together and spun around, ready to bolt out of the locker room. He stopped in his tracks when he heard her snap.
"Sam! Stop it. Just stop the pity party."
Slowly, he turned back toward her. "You've always wanted to know my 'inner-most thoughts'. I don't see the problem," he said sarcastically.
"That's enough. Stop," Andy demanded. Walking toward him, she grabbed his forearms and pulled him toward her.
"You listen to me, Sam Swarek," she softly ordered. Sam perked up and swallowed the lump in his throat. Her hands on him almost made all coherent thoughts go out the window.
But he did what he was told, and he listened.
"There is nothing wrong with not knowing how to handle something; the problem is when you don't ask for help. And before you jump down my throat about therapy, I'm not saying that it has to be that. It can be Oliver, Frank, or whoever," she said with a shrug.
Andy took a large breath and lightly rubbed her thumbs over his forearms. "It doesn't matter, as long as you let someone help you figure out how to deal with it. Because if you don't, you're only gonna keep hurting people, including yourself. But the truth is that I selfishly want it to be me," Andy admitted. Sam looked at her with remorse. He gently retracted his arms from her grasp and held onto her face with reverence and tenderness.
A moment of comforting silence passed before Andy carried on. "I wanna be the one you talk to and share things with that no one else knows. We've always had each other's back, Sam, and I don't want that to change. It's just that I want it to be more than that. I want us to be us again, a better us." Sam nodded along with everything she was saying.
"When I started this job," Andy said, taking another breath to keep her emotions in check. "You told me that, in this job, you can't do it alone...do you think that just stops when you go home?" Sam shook his head. "Exactly, it doesn't. And no matter what you think, that support doesn't make you weak, it only makes you stronger."
"You're the strongest man I've ever known, Sam." Andy let out a sigh that reflected her feelings. "I mean that. Don't let that change just because you think you have to do it alone. You don't. You can't. And you won't be...I'm here, if you'll let me be. And I won't leave you. I don't want either one of us to leave anymore. I want this to work. Do you?"
"More than you could ever know, McNally," Sam breathed, in an emotion-filled tone.
"Then you gotta find some way to let me in. I'm not saying it will be easy or happen all at once, but you gotta try if we're gonna make this work. No more holding back. And I promise you, I'll try harder, too." Andy inhaled before asking her question. "So, what do you say? Partners?"
Sam placed his forehead against hers and whispered his answer barely an inch away from her lips.
"Partners."
Andy's smile lit up the locker room, that a minute ago, was almost a war zone.
"I love you, Andy. I never stopped."
"I love you, too, Sam. I never stopped either."
Sam delicately gripped her chin and guided her lips closer to his. He waited until he saw her eyes close before he closed his own.
When their lips touched, the overwhelming feeling of relief and love they had for each other nearly caused their legs to give out.
Something inside them changed when they finally had each other like this again.
They knew that every single ounce of love they felt toward each other could never be reversed.
Several minutes later, he pulled his lips from hers and gazed into her brown orbs. The look of absolute love and acceptance was something that would be burnt into Sam's brain forever. Her face was something he never wanted to forget.
"You know," Andy whispered, placing her lips back against Sam's. "Oliver has been rooting for us."
Sam chuckled and let go of her chin to wrap his arm around her waist. "I should've listened to him."
Andy shrugged her shoulders and wound her arms around his neck. "We both needed to grow and change," she reasoned. "Right now, we know that we're both ready. We have a clean slate and we're both gonna work at it."
"Yes, we are," Sam said with a nod. After kissing her temple, he unwrapped himself from her and reached behind her body. He closed her locker and picked up her duffle bag. Walking back over to the table where his own sat, he grabbed that one, too.
Andy raised an amused eyebrow and followed Sam out of the women's locker room.
When they got into the hallway, the pair walked away together – this time, with no shadow looking on. A few seconds after leaving the locker room, Andy felt Sam's fingers weave between hers. She nervously looked up at him and realized he had been smirking down at her.
"There's another thing I lied about."
"What," Andy asked, slightly panicked and completely confused.
Sam lightly smiled and leaned in toward her ear. "I am your boyfriend, and I will be holding your hand."
She let out a laugh and leaned her head against his, before quickly drawing back and staring at him with guilt-filled eyes. "Umm...I wasn't honest about something either."
"Oh yeah," Sam inquired, standing up straight and eyeing her curiously. "What's that?"
"I have dated cops," she declared, with a large, toothy grin.
Sam scoffed and rolled his eyes, draping his free arm around her shoulders.
"Well, you'll only be dating one from now on."
"Yeah," Andy wondered out loud. "What about when you said I wasn't your type," she challenged.
"You think you're hilarious," Sam said.
Andy shrugged and sighed. "I am pretty hilarious."
Sam tugged her body closer to his and rubbed his hand up and down her arm. "I was lying," he confessed. "You're absolutely my type."
"That's what I thought," Andy spoke with confidence, allowing a knowing smirk to escape.
As they continued on their path through the hallway, they saw Oliver and Dov coming into the precinct. Oliver spotted the two together and raised his eyebrows. But when his eyes darted toward the two duffle bags in Sam's hand and his other arm around Andy, a large smile played across Oliver's face.
"See you two, tomorrow! Bye! Kisses!" While he watched the pair leave the station, Oliver shouted the words over the activity of 15th division, knowing there would be a lot of kisses exchanged tonight.