Spawned by a thread on Tumblr, see it a href=" post/134471967460/scarecrowqueen-eeyore9990-lena221b"Here/a and a href=" post/134412967532/pale-silver-comb-eeyore9990"here/post)
"So, as you can see," Stiles flaps the paper clutched in his hand, making the page flutter for emphasis, "here we have a Venn diagram of your life so far. Please note, that many long hours of observation, research, and math went into its completion."
The diagram in question features two black circles, one labeled 'Derek Hale' and the other labeled 'Nice Things.' Located at either sides of the page, it is glaring obvious that the circles are both a good few inches away from touching.
"Is there a point to this Stiles? Other than reminding me that my life has been an endless shit show? Because thanks, but I promise I've already noticed." Derek is perched on the edge of Stiles' bed, eyebrows furrowed and tense like a grumpy, glowering Gargoyle.
"No, dude, no way! Look," Stiles sits up straighter in the creaky computer chair, totally ignoring Derek's near-growl of 'don't call me dude.' One toe swivels the chair a couple inches either way in a back and forth motion, oscillating in his excitement like a demented desk fan. "See we can fix that! Here, look at this one..." Stiles grabbed at the short stack of papers on his desk, knocking the whole stack onto the floor but managing to snatch the desired page while crowing in triumph. "Here, we see the chart updated to reflect the changes brought about the careful introduction of the aforementioned 'Nice Things.' I figure we start small, with cookies and warm blankets, and work our way up to bigger things like snuggling under the warm blankets while eating cookies and watching Disney movies. Cool?" Stiles blinked, having hardly stopped to breathe during his dialogue, grinning almost maniacally with pride.
Derek squints at the new diagram, leaning in for a closer look. "I thought the circles were supposed to overlap? These ones are barely touching."
"That's why we start slow! Look, you have to work your way up to this, ok? Let the circles gently kiss for a bit before they go getting all up in each other's business... Um, yeah." Stiles mouth shut with an audible click, face flushing a pretty red as he realized exactly how that last sentence could sound, taken out of context. "So yeah, um, there's that." Jerking a bit in the chair Stiles wiggled the diagram weakly, holding it a bit higher like it could hide his shame behind its stark black circles.
Across from him, Derek's eyebrows are doing a complicated lift-with-an-upward-twitch-of-the-lip combo what could mean Derek is passably amused, but more likely means he's preparing his teeth for epic throat-ripping. (It was a convincing enough threat the first time, Stiles has never needed it repeated.) "So, what's the arrow supposed to represent?" Derek asked, indicating the arrow that pointed from the bottom of the page directly to where the edges of the two circles met. "Cause where I'm sitting, it looks kind of naughty."
Stiles meeped a bit, feeling the flush spread. "It's just an emphasis on the circles' actually meeting, you're reading too much into my art skills."
"Oh well then." Derek said, eyebrows smoothing into a more bland expression. "I was just confused by the identical diagram on the floor. You know, the one with the crude penis sketched over the arrow."
Stiles choked a bit on nothing, almost flailing himself out of the chair in his haste to check that...yep. the original copy of the second diagram he'd done up was there on top of the toppled pile of papers, incriminating schlong scribbled onto it in bright cheery purple. "Oh fuck me," he groaned, slumping down in the chair and letting the paper in hand slip to the floor. "I'm an ADHD kid, I'm easily distracted and dicks are always funny. Scott's actually refused to watch Lord of the Rings with me anymore cause I wouldn't stop make jokes about things like 'swordplay' and 'the gap of Rohan.'"
Derek nods sagely where he sits. "Makes sense I guess, that you'd treat trying to improve my life like a joke, I mean." The words were said lightly, but hit Stiles square in the sternum with the force of a freight train.
"NO WAY! He shrieked, jerking his way upright in the chair and almost dumping himself onto the floor in the process. "No way man, just no way, no that's right out. Look you deserve all the nice things, okay? All the cookies and blankets and Disney and cuddles and if we're talking dicks then sex!" Stiles' blush returned redder than ever. "Sex can be a nice thing too, I mean, if you wanted it to be, no one's gonna make you do anything, but it might be kinda nice for you to finally bang someone who isn't a raging psycho. I don't know, it's your life dude. It should be a good one, is all I'm saying." Stiles bit his lip, fighting to avoid eye contact with Derek, instead poking at the scattered pages on the carpet with one toe.
"So are you offering then?"
Stiles blinked at Derek, startled out of his reverie by the question. "Come again?"
"Sex, Stiles. Are you offering? Because you said 'we' like you'd be present for all the other options on the list, so it stands to follow that you'd be there for this one, too." Derek leaned back, relaxing onto his elbows and stretching out his legs. The position left him elongated, supine and definitely the sexiest thing that had ever been in Stiles' bed. "I'd like it, you know, if it was you." Derek was calm, patting the covers at his hip gently and looking at Stiles like he was trying to sooth a wild animal, and Stiles supposed he was in a way; a young, wild and recklessly infatuated thing. Feeling that words were unnecessary (and probably impossible with how tongue-tied he felt) Stiles figure actions would have to do the speaking for him. So with great intent and dignity, the stood from his chair and took the two steps forward to climb into Derek's lap.
...Except that Stiles and grace have never even had so much as a passing acquaintance, so instead he lunges forward like a lunatic, foot skidding out from under him on the paper-strewn carpet, knocking over the chair with a crash and sending him hurtling face-first into Derek's knee cap.
Oh, there was sex, eventually. But first that fat lip had to be iced, and Derek had to carefully, sweetly kiss it better.
(Over a year later Derek presents Stiles with a new Venn diagram; one with two, un-touching black circles labelled 'Derek Hale' and 'Nice Things' bridged by a third, overlapping circle in red labelled 'Stiles.' In the red circle is taped an engagement ring. Stiles cries and immediately orders a frame for the newest diagram, after saying yes, of course. The picture hangs on the wall in every home they ever own, and they go to their graves both laughing every time they see it and never ever explaining the joke to anybody who asks.)
(Also references a href=" post/134440791978/theklinaa-pale-silver-comb-eeyore9990"this/post)