Everything
Wrong
With
The War Of the Night
(Spoilers!)
(Duh)
The Plan (Prologue)
Herobrine, Darkness, and The Lord Squid Shark were all at their meeting place.
Ok, you couldn't be more bland then that. We know it's their meeting place, you don't need to say 'meeting place'. You could have said HQ or some other synonym for 'Meeting Place. Hell even 'Gathering Place' would be good. (1)
"Every thing is set, all we need now is the time to strike" said Shark.
"When should we strike?" asked Herobrine.
That is the worst cliche I have ever seen in my life. (1)
"What kind of question if that?! We strike at the right time, which is when Sky Army is at its greatest, then we can watch them fall" said Darkness
Even worse because the author is trying to make Darkness sound like a total bitch. (1)
"Which is when" asked Shark.
Herobrine literally just asked that question five seconds ago! (1)
Darkness smirked and said "You'll know". She conjured a black flame and starred into it. A vision on Sky Army HQ showed. Darkness laughed evilly and casted it at the ground. The vision of Sky Army went from big and powerful, to on fire and destroyed.
Ok we know you wanna destroy the army, don't need to foreshadow it. Also none of these sentences had punctuation, so I can count each one as a sin. (6)
The Sign
Sky was with TrueMU and Deadlox doing a epic jump map by Bodil40.
That is the worst possible sentence I have ever seen. It was the exact same thing as the prologue! (1)
"I hate this jump!" said Sky. It was ladder parkour. TrueMU was mastering it. Deadlox was hanging off the bottom one over lava.
Oh please, Jason is the ONLY human here, and yet he is the one mastering this. Shouldn't, I don't know, the werewolf or the vampire be beating him? Strength?Stamina? Agility? All seems fishy to me. (1)
"Use inner strength!" TrueMU called to Deadlox. Sky made sure no one was looking and he turned into a bat. He flew to the end of the jumps and changed back.
What an asshole. (1)
"I did it" he said. TrueMU looked at him in disbelief.
"Yay right" he said laughing.
That 'yeah' is spelt wrong. (1)
Deadlox looked at him and said "If he gets to use his powers I can use mine". He changed into beast form and climbed up the ladder. He jumped across the pillars the ladders were on and grabbed TrueMU by the neck.
Wouldn't that have killed Jason? (1)
He ran on all fours and jumped to the next jump. Finally they reached the end of the jumps and Deadlox changed back.
So Ty has control over his transformation now? Later it seems like he's having a shit of a time doing this. (1)
"I'm so glad I'm friends with a werewolf, I can just ask him to help me cheat threw parkour" said TrueMU. Deadlox cracked up.
That wasn't even funny and 'cracked up' is just awkward. (2)
"Every body sleep in the beds! Check point!" said Sky hanging upside down, his arms crossed. Deadlox stretched out in the one next to him, TrueMU set the time and tried to sleep.
I thought this was a no ship policy. Oh well. #Truelox. (1)
"I can't sleep, there's mobs near by" he said. Sky laughed and jumped down from the ceiling. He changed into a bat and flew up in the air really far. TrueMU got in bed.
Sky changed back human and fell from the sky. He landed hard on the ground, but his wounds healed quickly. They all fell asleep.
Bad transition (1)
When the check point was set in the morning TrueMU and Deadlox got up but Sky didn't.
"Why is he nocturnal? Sky wake up" said TrueMU.
Sky opened his eyes. He jumped down from the ceiling. They continued with the map. Of course Sky cheated threw parts. Finally they reached the end. Deadlox then noticed something. It was a torn piece of paper with familiar hand writing.
Watch your back Sky Army. We're coming, we're RISING
-Darkness, Shark, and Herobrine
Darkness thought Deadlox. He showed it to TrueMU and Sky. They all rushed back to Sky Army base. Sky sent out and urgent message to all Sky Army captains.
I'll just point out all the sins in this one paragraph. First off, through is spelt wrong, and second, how did Deadlox know what type of writing The Dark Ones had? I mean, werewolves don't have that ability...right? Also that note makes The Dark Ones even more off assholes then they already are, those sentences sounded like something a seven year old would say. Also, bad transition. (3)
I'm not even going to continue this fanfiction because of how poorly written it was.
Sin Count: 23 (just for the first 2 chapters!)
Sentence: Werewolves with hand-writing defining abilities.
Want to see other Minecraft fanfictions sinned or even see your own? PM me or review. (NOTE: I will be an asshole, this is all just for humor)