Once upon a time there was a princess named Wanda.
"Hold it! Wanda's the princess?" Jean asked in shock.
"Yes!" Rogue cheered. "At last it's not me!"
As much as I would have loved to make this a Romy, I'm afraid Remy just wouldn't make a very good frog.
"Why? He's French isn't he?" Pyro teased.
"Cajun," Gambit corrected.
"Close enough."
It happened on a fine spring day that Princess Wanda was in the palace gardens playing with her favourite toy, a golden ball. Unfortunately, she was playing near a pond and when she dropped her ball, it fell in.
"Oh no!" she exclaimed. "Whatever will I do?"
"How about I use one of my hex-bolts to get it out?" Wanda suggested.
Umm... because no one has any powers in this story.
"Okay, well, why don't I walk into the pond and fetch it out?"
You don't want to get your dress wet. Besides, the pond is deep and the ball sank.
"What kind of balls sink?"
"There are just so many possible responses to that..." Gambit mused.
"Shut up Remy," Rogue told him.
I did say it was a golden ball.
"Who plays with golden balls?" Wanda demanded. "They'd be heavy and probably wouldn't bounce very well."
"Golden balls," Pyro giggled.
Oh dear.
As it happened, a frog hear her cries. He hopped to her side.
"What's making you so sad, princess?" Todd asked.
"What?" Wanda screeched. "Toad is the frog prince? Toad?"
"Yes!" Toad yelled happily. "At last we shall be together sugarplum!"
"Rogue, help me!"
"It's okay, Wanda," Rogue said sympathetically. "I understand your pain."
Pyro pouted.
"But I want Wanda," he complained. "So not fair."
Gambit patted him on the back.
"I'm sad because I drop my golden ball into the pond and now I can't get it out," Princess Wanda told the frog.
"Why am I such a wussy princess?" Wanda asked then. "Seriously. What's she going to do next? Put her hand on her forehead and say 'oh woe is me'?"
I didn't write the fairy tale.
"I know what you mean," Rogue nodded. "All these fairy tale princesses are all the same."
"I can get it out for you," Todd told her. "And all I ask in return is that for the next three days you let me eat from your plate every night and sleep on your pillow."
"No golden ball is worth that," Wanda declared.
"Hey it sounds like a good deal to me," Toad said, bouncing happily. "I'm gonna sleep with the princess, oh yeah, go me."
"Eww, get away from me."
Not believing that the frog could help her, the princess agreed. The frog then jumped into the pond and went looking for the ball. Being golden, the sunlight reflected off it nicely, and he was able to haul it to the surface. Princess Wanda was so excited to get her ball back -
Gambit and Pyro started snickering.
Hey, quiet in the peanut gallery.
Princess Wanda was so excited to get her ball back, that she snatched it up and ran for home. She completely forgot about her deal with the frog until later that evening when there was a knock on the door.
"Princess!" said Todd. "You promised you'd let me eat from your plate and sleep on your pillow."
Princess Wanda was so frightened by the reappearance of the frog that she closed the door. However, her father, the King Magneto, had overheard the exchange.
"Erik gets to be the King? Again?" the Professor asked. "And me... still with no crown."
"This attitude doesn't suit you, Charles," Magneto replied smugly.
"Now my dear," he said. "If you have made this talking frog a promise, you must keep it. You are a princess after all, and have standards to uphold."
"You're a fine one to talk," Wanda said with a contemptuous snort.
Unhappily, Princess Wanda opened the door again and let Todd the frog in. During dinner he sat on the table and ate off her plate, and that night he join her in her bedroom, and slept on her pillow.
"Score!" Toad said jubilantly.
"Hey Remy," Pryo said. "Do you suppose Toad legs taste anything like frog legs?"
"Well, they kind of taste like chicken," Gambit replied musingly. "And have you noticed that a lot of stuff tastes like chicken? So I'd say the odds are pretty good that Toad legs will taste like chicken too."
Pyro let loose a couple of jets of flame.
"Eeep!" Toad squealed. "Protect me, my lady-love!"
Toad bounced around and tried to hide behind Wanda.
"Get away from me, you little freak!"
"C'mon little Toady! It's barbecuing time!"
Oy! Can the fighting already you two. John, turn off the flames before I sick the hose on you.
"Aww... but... Chelle'belle, us Aussies need to stick together, right mate? Please let me roast the little -"
Just let me finish telling the story already.
"Nah nah," Toad taunted Pyro.
Sigh.
In the morning when Wanda woke, the frog was gone. She did hope she'd seen the last of him, but alas, the frog showed up again that night, and then again the next day. When she woke up on the third morning, the frog was gone as usual. What wasn't usual was the handsome man, finely dressed in red clothes who was sitting comfortably beside her bed.
"Uhh... hi?" Wanda said.
"Good morning, my love. I am Prince John."
"What? No!" Toad wailed. "I'm supposed to be the prince."
Actually you're supposed to be the frog. I'm sorry Toad, but you just don't pull off 'prince' very well.
"But... but my snugglecakes!"
"All right!" Pyro cheered. "Wanda! We get to be together after all!"
Wanda looked between Toad and Pyro and sighed, muttering something about the lesser of two evils.
"Some years ago a witch put me under an enchantment," Prince John explained. "But by allowing me to sleep on your bed for three night you have freed me from this evil spell."
"Liar! I was the one who slept on her pillow!" bemoaned Toad. "It should have been meeeeeeeeeeee!"
Wanda and Rogue looked at each other.
"At least you've only got Remy hounding you," Wanda said. "I get stuck with these two bozos."
"I don't know," Rogue said with a sly wink. "Pyro's kinda hot."
"Hey!" Gambit objected.
"Yep, that's me, mate," Pyro said smugly. "Hot stuff right here. Wanna demonstration?"
Not now Pyro.
"All I can say is, at least we're using the Grimm Brothers version of this story that doesn't involve me kissing the frog," Wanda said.
Rogue and Wanda looked over at the still-sulking Toad.
"Yeah, you dodged a bullet there," Rogue agreed.
And so it was that Princess Wanda and Prince John were married and they lived happily ever after.
"Hey, Wanda, how about that honeymoon?" Pyro asked.
"In your dreams," Wanda replied.
"I would never condone such a union," Magneto said. "You are completely unsuitable for my daughter."
"Oh really?" Wanda asked. "Hey John?"
"Yeah?"
"How about a date this Saturday?"
"All right! Pick you up at eight?"
"Make it seven."
"Done!"
"Ahh a defiance-of-the-parent date," Gambit nodded, and regarded Rogue. "I don't suppose you would consider going out with me just to get on Mystique and Logan's nerves?"
"Nope."
"Darn. Pity date?"
"No."
"Just-so-he'll-stop-pestering-me date?"
"No!"
"Your mouth says no, but your eyes say yes."
"Aww man."