"I thought I'd be ok, you know?" I whispered quietly trying to keep my voice from breaking.
The fact was I could never be ok with the thought of him doing who knows what with God knows who. It ate away at my heart, burned my insides and filled my head with liquor. Knowing that the fact was that used to be me. It was "Me and him always". I can't wrap my head around how always became a temporary term. It's just me stumbling home from an empty bar on a random Tuesday. He told me he loved me, we both knew he never had the capacity to love. He told me he would stay, but we both knew there was some girl more interesting waiting for him that night when I fell asleep. He told me he wouldn't hurt me but now I'm in so much fucking pain all the time and I thought I would be okay with it and I'm not.
And then he asked me one question "Do you regret us?"
I thought back to the years we spent together. All the times he left me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, only to be cut on the shards. How I hated myself because my eyes still wander over the faces of strangers with the slightest hope of seeing him. How I hated myself for stumbling home drunkenly and throwing myself in bed still searching for his warmth next to me. Where do you go when your house isn't home but home is in the arms of a person who no longer loves you? How I wish I could spit the word "yes" in his face in some feeble attempt to hurt him. How I wish I could hate him for leaving me in the dark abyss scattered with our memories in it. But the fact of the matter is I'm in love with him. Passionately. Irrevocably. Desperately. Hopelessly. I love him more than I ever thought was humanly capable. He left me and he insured that I would never forget him. How he made me hate myself for ever imagining that we would have a future together. Now it's three years later and I bumped into him, he tells me about his wife and kids and everything inside me shatters. Not because I don't want you to be happy with your life but because I used to think that when you would tell people about your wife you would be talking about me. How I hated myself for the words I wanted to desperately scream at him like 'I don't want to lose you. I love you. I love everything about you. You mean everything to me. Please don't go.' But I swallowed those words with a burning shame and I answered him truthfully.
"No but I wish I did." Knowing that even if time was to rewind itself and bring us to the beginning of "Me and him" I would still fall hopelessly in love with him. Knowing that even though I love him we always made better strangers than we ever did anything else.
This was the end. He had a plane to catch and I had a blind stupor to fall back into. With that they departed closing the door on their love forever.