"O hai! Aria here. I've seen lotsa parodies of movies around the site, so Chicks an' I had to hop on the bandwagon with a parody of our own! An' my Mommy and Daddy are gonna be th' prince an' princess!" A short little white-haired girl, about 12, and dressed conspicuously in red and purple, sits in the director's chair. We see the X-Men and all the others standing around, many in costume. Aria lifts a megaphone. "And my castin' list is as follows:
Eric (Magneto) WESTLEY
Raven (Mystique) BUTTERCUP
Remy (Gambit) INIGO
Victor (Sabertooth) PRINCE HUMPERDINCK
Julien (AKA 'That random guy from the Rippers') COUNT RUGEN
Pietro (Quicksilver) VIZZINI
Fred (Blob) FEZZIK
Bobby (Iceman) THE KID
Hank (Beast) THE GRANDFATHER
Kurt (Nightcrawler) IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN
Jean (Phoenix) VALERIE
Todd (Toad) ALBINO
Scott (Cyclops) MIRACLE MAX
Aria ignores the grumbling of certain characters at their parts, or lack thereof, and bounces over to her father, pulling him into Costumes. Chicks, a girl with a strong resemblance to Mystique, sighs and grabs Bobby, hauling him to Makeup. "Make ze child look sick, she zaid... eazy vor you to zay, leetle girl..." Aria and a very handsome (and much younger somehow) Magneto come back out and Chicks places Bobby, now in very cute animal-print Pjs into a bed. Everyone else turns to look at Aria. "What? He picks on my Jamie!" she says haughtily. Said Multiple shows up with a drink tray, holding cocoa for him and Jukebox, and coffee for the poor, sugar-deprived authoress. "Action!" shouts Aria happily.
We fade in on a video game on a computer screen
The game is in progress. As a sick coughing sound is heard. We then pan out to reveal Bobby lying in bed, coughing. Pale, one sick cookie. Maybe he's seven or eight or nine. "Hey!" snaps Bobby. "When did Forge de-age me?" "SCRIPT!" screams Aria, throwing one at him. He rubs his head and mumbles. He holds a remote in one hand, presses it, and the video game moves a little bit. Then he's hit by another spasm of coughing, puts the remote down.
His room is monochromatic, greys and blues, mildly high-tech. We're in the present day and this is a middle class house, somewhere in the suburbs. The door opens to reveal a much-aged Rogue as she enters, goes to him, fluffs his pillows, kisses him, and briefly feels his forehead. "Aww, Gawd! Wha do Ah hafta do this stuff? Wha not 'Ro?" "Cause Auntie 'Roro's the Queen!" snapped Aria. Rogue mumbles and goes back to the script. She's worried, it doesn't show.
"Ya feelin' any better?" she asks. "A little bit." replies Bobby. "Another kiss might help." "NOOOO!" shrieks Chicks. "No movie reverences! Nein! SCRIIIIIIIIIIIPT!" Rogue hits Bobby with the rolled-up script. "Guess what." she says as if nothing has happened. "What?" gripes Bobby, rubbing his head. "Your grandfather's here." replied Rogue, smiling at him. Bobby is clearly not happy. "Mom, can't you tell him that I'm sick?" he moans, although he smiles a bit at calling Rogue 'Mom'. "Yah are sick, that's why he's here." "He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that." complains Bobby truthfully. "Maybe he won't." soothes Rogue. Bobby gives her a 'yeah right' look.
Hank bursts into the room. Kind of rumpled. But the eyes are bright. He has a wrapped package tucked under one arm as be immediately goes to Bobby, and pinches his cheek. "Hey! How's the sickie? Heh?" he asks, although he obviously isn't enjoying it much.
Bobby gives Rogue an "I told you so" look. She ignores it and beats a retreat, with a quick "I think I'll leave you two pals." There is an awkward silence until Hank speaks. "I brought you a special present." Bobby is mildly interested. "What is it?" he asks, looking at Hank, who hands the package over. "Open it up." he says. So Bobby does. He does his best to smile. "A book?" he asks, clearly rather disappointed. Hank nods and smiles wisely. "That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today, I'm gonna read it to you." Bobby is doubtful until a thought occurs to him. "Has it got any sports in it?" Hank's eyes light up.
"Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles." he says, with a rather wistful smile. Bobby shrugs and settles back into his pillow. "It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake." Hank rolls his eyes. "Oh. Well, thank you very much. It's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Raven was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin." We dissolve to a beautiful English countryside scene, where a lovely blue girl in her late teens is riding a familiar-looking horse. "Amara?" Asks Tabby from offscreen. Hank's voice comes from all around, all echoey-like and mysterious. "Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Eric, but she never called him that. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?" "Yeah. It's really good." says Bobby sarcastically. Hank's voice continues. "Nothing gave Raven as much pleasure as ordering Eric around." Mystique smiled angelically. "You know it!" We cut to where Raven is standing, holding the reins of her horse, while in the background, Eric, in the stable doorway, looks at her. Raven is in her late teens; doesn't care much about clothes and she hates brushing her long hair, so she isn't as attractive as she might be, but she's still probably the most beautiful woman in the world. Cue derisive snorts from the men, which turn into 'oh!'s of surprise as she turns and they see her face for the first time. Suddenly, she speaks, with a sweet voice and a British accent. "Farm boy. Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning." Eric smiled quietly to himself. "As you wish." He is perhaps half a dozen years older than Raven. And maybe as handsome as she is beautiful. He gazes at her as she walks away. "'As you wish' was all he ever said to her." We cut to Eric, outside, chopping wood. Raven drops two large buckets near him. "Farm Boy. Fill these with water --" He raises his eyes and stares her down. She is rather taken aback, and more than a bit nervous. "--please." she finishes meekly. "As you wish." was the only reply. She leaves, but his eyes stay on her. She stops, turns -- he manages to look away as now her eyes stay on him. Hank's voice rings out again. "That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you."" We cut to Raven in the kitchen, stirring something that smells incredible. Eric enters with an armload of firewood. Hank speaks again.
"And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back." Raven calls to Eric. "Farm Boy" she begins, but he stares at her and she adopts a deer-in-the-headlights expression, floundering to find something for him to do. "Fetch me that pitcher." He gets it, hands it to her; they are standing very close to each other gazing into each other's eyes. He says to her, very seriously, "As you wish." He turns and moves outside. Raven is left holding the pitcher and looking rather dazed. We cut to Raven and Eric, outside his tiny hovel in the red glow of sunset. They are locked in a passionate kiss. Bobby suddenly interrupts. "Hold it, hold it-" We cut back to his room, where Popsicle and his animal snuggies are glaring at Hank. "What is this? Are you trying to trick me? -- Where's the sports? -- Is this a kissing book?" he says the last with a rather frightened look. "Wait, just wait --" begins Hank, but Bobby interrupts again. "-- well, when does it get good?" Hank is exasperated. "Keep your shirt on. Let me read. Eric had no money for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea." We cut back to Florin, where Eric and Raven stand near the farm gate, locked in an embrace. "It was a very emotional time for Raven --" says Hank, but he is cut off as usual. "I don't be-leeve this." groaned the icecube. "I fear I'll never see you again." sniffled Raven. Eric comforts her, while the offstage cast try not to crack up at the sound of Mystique whimpering. She glares daggers at them "Emotionally distressed, Mozer." calls Chicks. Her face immediately becomes distraught again. Eric goes back to comforting her. "Of course you will." he soothes. Raven looks up at him, disbelieving. "But what if something happens to you?" Eric does his best to look brave, heroic and generally studly and pulls it off quite well for a seventy-year-old supervillan. "Hear this now: I will come for you." "Stalker!" coughs someone from offstage. There is a bang and the sound of flying metal. Raven shrugs and continues. "But how can you be sure?" Eric smiles at her. "This is true love. You think this happens every day?" He smiles at her, she smiles too, throws her arms so tightly around him. They kiss. Then as Eric walks away, Raven watches him go. "Aww, true love." cuts in Jean. "Between... Magneto and Mystique... euwww..." "Eric didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Xavier, who never left captives alive. When Raven got the news that Eric was murdered --" continued Hank, who was, of course, interrupted. "Murdered by pirates is good --" "Wait!" comes Scott's voice. "Xavier is the bad guy? Hey, virtually all the X-Men are bad guys! And the hero and heroine are Magneto and Mystique? What's going on he--" The bang and whirring metal are heard again. We cut to a close-up of Raven, staring out the window miserably. Hank's disembodied voice drones on. "She went into her room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate." Raven speaks, emotionless and deadpan. "I will never love again." We linger on her face for a second, flawless and sad.
We then cut to the main courtyard of Florin replete with townspeople, livestock, and a bustling marketplace. Cue Hank's voice again! "Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Sabertooth's bride-to be." We then show Prince Sabertooth, a man of incredible power and bearing, standing in his royal robes on a castle balcony. Three others standing behind him: an old couple with crowns, the aging King Logan and Queen Ororo, and a dark bearded man who seems the Prince's match in strength: this is Count Julien. Sabertooth begins to speak. "My people ... a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves –" he pauses for a moment, giving the commoners a scathing glance. "-- but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?" "YESSSSSSSSS!" roars the crowd. We show a giant staircase leading to the crowd and a figure just begins to become visible.
We show the crowd, who finally see the figure and draw in a collective breath. It is Raven, and she looks absolutely resplendent. Sabertooth waves a hand proudly. "My people ... the Princess Raven!!" She descends the stairs and starts to move amongst the people. The crowd does something very strange; they all suddenly sink to their knees, as though doing some twisted, reverse wave of reverence. Raven is obviously moved. She stands perfectly immobile among the people. We hold on her loveliness for a moment before fading out.
Aria jumps excitedly. "Woah! That was perfect! Mommy, you make such a pretty princess!" she squeals. "But I don' like Vic much… he's real mean." Chicks places a hand on her sister-muse's shoulder and sighs. "Vinally over. Please review, ve need eet! And vor an introduction to us two, please see mein account page… I hope you liked eet!"