"Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. Sauron from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Both tortured souls, looking for their place in the world. They find each other when Maleficent accidently built her lair in Mordor, where Sauron's lair is. I guess you can just walk into Mordor. ANYWAYS rated M for a reason ; ) (HOTT $EX) NO FLAMS PLZ!!!
Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a beautiful sorceress named Maleficent. She strong resembled Megan Fox. She was very lonely one day, and then met Sauron, and thought he was very attractive. She went up to him all sultry like and held out her hand to him. "Do you like?" she asked, a smirk playing on her lips. "Put a ring on it," she purred sexily. And so he did and Maleficent became Sauron's mistress. Well, wife-mistress. Wife just doesn't sound as sexy and dangerous as "mistress". So mistress Malecifent took an interest in some chick with rose lips and gold hair. Uh oh. I spy hot lesbian action coming along. She had the gift of song and the gift of beauty and the gift of getting her finger pricked and sleeping forever. Who could resist THAT? And even better, the only person who could wake up flower lips was Mavis Beacon. Just kidding. Computers didn't exist then. But glasses did. And so did the ER. Anyway, the only person who could wake up tulip mouth was her one true love. Mistress Malecelephant decided that she would be this person. So she took a stroll over to the Shire. She noticed three fairies there. One fairy was wearing red. "Obviously a handmaid," Malicefont said to herself. The other fairy was wearing green. "A martha!" she said. Then there was a blue fairy with a funny voice who got all angry whenever things happened. And she wiggled in anger. ANGER. And she must have been the husband. Because this is a feminist fanfic and THERE ARE NO MEN. Surprise? Sauron is female. Anyway, Malicifente went to the shire to hook up with the sleeping pansy face. But when she opened the door, there was something that took her by surprise. She jumped backwards and her hands flew to her mouth as she gasped!!!!! There was a MAN in the room. Well, a woman that dressed like a man anyway. But for convenience, we'll just call her a man. It was Little John. You know how I said it was a woman dress up as a man? I lied. Or changed my mind. It's a bear. A BEAR. Her boobs are made from money and apples. How could Malifbart compete with THAT? So Magnificent had a plan. Stuff her bra with whatever she could find. First she found a chicken. She put it in the left one. She was uneven. So she had to find another chicken, when she realized the chicken was angry and actually ate her left boob and ran off. So now she was just screwed. So she settled for vegetables, which don't usually grow teeth and eat breasts. But you know, she couldn't take her chances so she covered the vegetable (probably a carrot. And not baby carrots. Fucking ass BIG carrots.) with lacy silk… to block the teeth. Black lacy silk. With garters. Now she was very pointy. She was ready. So she went back to the Shire and walked in on poppy gob and and Little John getting it on, and she was like "OODLADDY CHECK ME OUT!" And so Flower Face did and she saw the pointiness and she was smitten. "Now that you are smitten with me," purred Malificientg,"You should tell me your name so I don't have to keep coming up with lame variations of rose lips and flower face and tulip mouth." "My name is ERIN GALEN" she said( PM me for her #). "My name is ERIN GALEN and I love pointy breasts. Well, only if they have garters. Do yours have garters, point breasted woman?" she batted her eyelashes prettily and sexily. "Yes they do. I will show you if you abandon Little John forever and come with me to my laiiiiirrrrr. In MORDOR."
"OODALALLY I SURE WILL, MISS". And so they went off to the lair on a scary mountain in MORDOR. But little did they know that that giant red thing on top of the lair castle was not in fact a giant vagina but a big ass fucking eye of Sauron and Sauron was not amused. Neither was Sailor Moon. Or Draco Malfoy. Or Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Who lived in the South Tower. They will be important later. In the chapter titled "The Two Towers." We'll get there eventually. Anyway, Sauron was not amused but he thought, wait, she thought. Sorry. Gender confusion. She thought she be sneaky and not tell Malififitn that she knew anything. So Maglifient went to the dinner that her and Sauron always have just as usual every day. Because there is ALWAYS time to eat dinner with a significant other. "So, Malificent," said Sauron. "I'd lay off on the muffins." "Why?" she asked curiosity overflowing her. "Because if you have a muffin top it will be too obvious that you are evil." "Oh, I guess you are right. I will not have muffins for dinner any more." "Dandy. Now how about we go play with orcs tonight?" "Sounds kinky." "Damn straight oodalallly." "It's getting sort of confusing. I can't tell who is talking." "There are so many quotations." "Here, I am Malefinite." "Ok, I'm Sauron. Now. Kinky orc sex, right?" "Yes. BUT WAIT! I CAN'T!" she said guiltily. "WHYNOT." She stated. "TAKE A CRAZY CHANCE." "I… just can't." She couldn't bear to look Sauren in the eye. " Maleficent," Sauron said. "What is in your dress." And then ERIN GALEN popped out. ERIN GALEN makes for very good bra stuffer (PM me for her #). " I KNEW IT" SAURON SAID LOUDLY. " I AM SO JEALOUS RIGHT NOW YOU DON'T EVENKNOW." And so Sauron closed her giant eye. If you know what I mean. The muffin shop WAS CLOSED. She went to sleep to hide from the world. And then Maleficent saw that this was her chance and took a carrot from her back pocket and stabbed him. Damn. Gender confusion. She stabbed her. Well, no. She stabbed him. This is a feminist fanfic. You can't go killing any girls now. However Sauren was not really dead as he had split himself in several horcruxes. That will be further explained in Chapter 54 "Harry Potter iand the Deathly Hallows." Anyway. I want you to keep in mind now that Malificentn is wearing a ring. On her finger. Wink. Nudge. Ok. Moving on. So Mal and ERIN GALEN run away together to Narnia wear they were wed by Aslan. Lesbians are allowed to be married in Narnia. Because they are in the closet. I've always wondered about that. If there are so many gay people in the closet, WHY would they ever LEAVE? Anyway, back to Little John. Little John is heartbroken. First Robin Hood left him and now Flower mouth has left. He had two goals. Kill Maid Marian and kill Malifient.
STAY TUNED FOR HOW HE WILL KILL THEM TOMORROW WHEN I WRITE MORE. IT TAKES A WHILE BECAUSE I HAVE TO LOOK INTO SHAKESPEARE A LOT WHILE I WRITE THIS. I LOVE MY AWESOME BETA. MUAH. OKKKKK. I'M JUST SAYING. SHE IS REALLY AWESOME. I KNOW HOW IT CAN GET REALLYANNOYING WHEN AUTHORS NOTES BECOME LONGER THAN THE ACTUAL STORY BUT I REALLY RALLLY WANT TO TELL YALL THIS. LIKE YESTERDAY SHE BOUGHT ME A CAR. A FUCKING CAR. FULL OF BETA FISH. DO YOU GET IT? BETA FISH! SHE IS SO HILARIOUS. I MEAN LIKE THEY ALL DIED LIKE RIGHT AFTER I STARTED DRIVING THE CAR BECAUSE ID ONT HAVE MY LISCENCE AND THEY WEREIN FISH BOWLS MADE OF GLASS AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE AIRBAGS TO KEEP THEM FROM LIKE SHATTERING SO THEY DID SHATTER AND IT WAS LIKE glaaaaaaaasss EVERYWHERE. IN MYNEW FUKIN CAR. FUK. FUUUUUUUc. AND THEN LIKE AS THEY WERE SUFFOCATING FROM LACK OF OXYGEN DISSOLVED IN WATER THEY REALIZED THEY WERE ALL MALES AND JUST STARTED KILLING EACH OTHER. BETA FISH ARE VICIOUS. LIKE ALL MEN. FUCK MEN. THE END.