Forgiven, Not Forgotten
Songfic set in the future to The Corr's "Forgiven, Not Forgotten".
ooooooooooooooo
All alone, staring on, watching her life go by,
When her days are grey and her nights are black,
Different shades of mundane and the one eyed furry toy
That lies upon the bed has often heard her cry
And heard her whisper out a name long forgiven, but not forgotten,
"You okay?" He put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
Kara smiled warmly at him. "Yeah, I'm fine." She wiped away the stray tear that had escaped her eyes.
Aaron was a good guy. The first person she'd met when she'd crashed on Earth three years earlier. He'd been the only one who'd believed her crazy-ass story about a battlestar and a wormhole - who knew those really existed? She thought they'd just been made up for sci-fi stories - that had flung her so far she couldn't get back. He'd been the one who'd comforted her when she'd cried at the loss of her family - the only people she'd had left.
Since then she'd made many friends and had learned to fit into society here. It was different than the colonies had been and much different than the dynamic in the fleet, especially living on a warship as she had, but she'd come to appreciate these people and their simple lives.
But there were some things she just couldn't forget, some people that she would always mourn the loss of. Some people - one person - her heart still waited for, ached for ... even though she knew she'd never see him again.
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're not forgotten
Lee.
She dreamt of him at night, thought of him daily - every time she looked up at the sky to determine the weather. She still wore her dogtags though her friends often ribbed her about how ugly they were and how after all this time she should have put the past to rest.
She couldn't though. The dogtags reminded her of him. Of the dance - of the fight, of their affair. Of everything that had happened between them. It had ended badly, as things always seemed to for them. She'd been upset that when she'd finally made the decision to throw caution to the wind and tell Lee she wanted him instead of Sam he'd turned his back on her and walked away. It had taken a long time before she'd forgiven him - in fact she hadn't until after she'd crashed and realized she was never going to see him again.
There was no chance of making it right with him. No chance of becoming friends again. No more chances.
A bleeding heart torn apart, left on an icy grave,
In the room where they once lay, face to face,
Nothing could get in their way, but now the memories of the man
Are haunting her days and the craving never fades,
She's still dreaming of a man long forgiven, but not forgotten,
Aaron had been her friend. He'd made it clear from day one that he was interested in more but when she'd bluntly turned him down he'd settled for friendship. Obviously he'd seen that that was what she'd needed the most. Eventually their relationship had settled into something slightly more domestic - they spent a lot of time together and after two years had finally slept together but Kara never opened the stronghold on her heart and let him in. Too many men had been let in and then lost, leaving her with yet another chunk of her heart gone.
She didn't have enough left to share any more.
She had to be careful - even though she cared for Aaron and appreciated him in bed, she often pictured Lee with her instead. It was an unconscious thing - she just closed her eyes and there he was, looking at her with love in his eyes, the way he had on New Caprica the night they'd finally opened up and shared everything with one another. She didn't want to hurt Aaron though by calling out another man's name (she'd seen exactly how far downhill everything could go from there after doing it once before) so she held herself in check, giving him pleasure but not really enjoying it fully herself.
How could she possibly make him understand that though she cared for him and appreciated the love he gave her, she was never going to stop wishing he was Lee?
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're not forgotten
Sam.
She felt guilty that she didn't miss him. He'd loved her - perhaps more even than Lee had - but when she closed her eyes she couldn't bring his face to mind anymore. Despite her attempts to love him he'd been nothing more than a passing fancy to her. She hadn't been fair to him, leading him on and making him think she loved him when in reality she knew she never would. Perhaps it was better that she'd disappeared. Then he could move on with someone else and truly be happy.
She wondered if Lee was still with Dee. If he was happy. If he ever thought of her. Probably not. She'd been nothing but a burden to him, he'd said as much once - 'all you ever do is frak up, and I'm stuck cleaning it up'. He had wanted her, perhaps even loved her as he'd claimed to, but she was sure there was a part of him that hated her as well, and hated himself for loving her. He was better off with Dee. She was nothing, a nobody, but at least she wouldn't hurt him constantly the way Kara always seemed to.
But inside, a part of her fervently wished that he hadn't forgotten her.
Still alone, staring on, wishing her life goodbye
As she goes searching for the man long forgiven, but not forgotten,
"He's not coming Kara."
"What? Who?" She turned to face him. "What are you talking about?"
"Lee. He isn't coming."
She shook her head, tears beginning to sting her eyes. When had she become so emotional? "I know."
"In your head you know but your heart refuses to accept that you made a journey the rest of them can't. They aren't coming - he isn't coming, and you can't waste the rest of your life away waiting for him."
Her cheeks burned.
"Yes, I've heard you call out his name when you sleep. I've seen the way you look at the sky, desperately wishing his ship would appear magically. I've seen the way you finger your dogtags when we talk about the past, and about life aboard Galactica. Lee was your life - your world, wasn't he Kara? But that life, that world is gone. You're here now and he isn't. You need to make a decision. Are you going to wait around for the rest of your life for something that's never going to happen, or are you going to live?"
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
He was right. She had to let them go - let him go. She thought she'd been willing to let him go before when she'd married Sam, when she'd refused to divorce Sam and the affair had ended ... but though her head had realized letting him go was the best thing she could do for him, her heart had never been able to reconcile itself with that decision. Inside, deep, where no one had gone before, was where he lived, and where 'happily ever after' with Lee was something she still dreamed of, though she'd never admit it.
She'd never been able to forget him, probably never would, but the fantasy that he'd arrive and tell her how much he loved her, how he hadn't been able to live without her had to stay locked deep inside, never to see the light of day again.
She sighed and as she wiped her eyes she became aware of a darkness permeating the sky. She frowned and looked up - was it becoming cloudy? No, something was up there, blocking the sun ...
Galactica.
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're not forgotten
Holy frakking mother of the gods - it was Galactica! They'd survived and found their way to Earth! She could see a few other ships orbiting - not as many as when she'd left them but still enough to call it a fleet. Her heart stung at the thought that they'd had to fight battles without her - not that it was her fault she'd disappeared this time, but she'd always felt it was her job to protect them and that leaving them had been like abandoning them to the cylons.
A Raptor descended and landed twenty feet away from her. Her insides quaked. Now that they were here she was terrified. Would Lee still care? Would he acknowledge her as more than just a lost soldier? Would he even be alive? The life of a Viper pilot was an uncertain one at best and with her gone who was there to watch his back? A part of her almost wished he had perished, then she wouldn't have to face him. But then again, after waiting three years to see him again she couldn't bear the thought that he wouldn't have made it safely with the rest of them.
The hatch opened. A couple of marines, guns at the ready, stepped out first. Lee was directly behind them.
Her heart skipped a beat. He looked just as she'd remembered him these three long years, except for the sadness that had etched itself on his face and in his eyes. He looked like he'd borne a great weight and that it was slowly killing him.
His eyes met hers and recognition dawned. The smile that blazed into them was brighter than the supernova they'd ridden escaping the algae planet's destruction.
"Kara!" He ran towards her, barreling through the marines and actually knocking one of them over. He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to him, spinning around and around as he buried his face in her long, tangled locks. "Kara, oh Kara, I've missed you so," he whispered into her neck.
The tears she'd shed missing him were nothing compared to the tears of relief and love that were spilling down her cheeks at finally seeing and feeling him against her.
You're not forgotten
No, You're not forgotten
"I've missed you Kara."
He wouldn't let go. Neither would she. They'd been apart too long, expecting never to see each other again. Finally the gods had been kind to them and brought them together and neither were willing to let go.
"You know I've never believed in the gods but I prayed every day that you were alive and had managed to find your way to Earth."
Kara hung her had in shame. "I thought you'd forgotten me. I was dead and gone and you'd moved on with your life."
He put a finger under her chin and held it up so he could look in her eyes. "I love you Kara. I could never forget you. Without you I wasn't alive - you drive me crazy and sometimes I hate you but I can't live without you. I promise that whatever happens, wherever we go together or apart, I will never forget you."
fin