Pre-Show Introductions
Good Evening, Great Britain, and welcome to Season Five of So You Think You Can Captcha. For those who are new to the planet or enjoy repetition, I am your host Mycroft Holmes. Over the next eight weeks we will be exploring the latest in alien physiology and human psychology as we get to know our contestants, apply the latest in scientific theory and attempt to identify this year's ALIEN.
Now, on to our contestants. I'm thrilled, and yes, for those of you in the audience who are unaware of sarcasm I am being facetious, to announce that our first contender is none other than my brother, Sherlock Holmes.
Yes, yes, please stop gasping, it's not that unexpected.
I insist.
Thank you.
If I may continue? My brother, Sherlock Holmes, is a consulting detective with New Scotland Yard. Mummy has assured me for years that he is, in fact, a human. I've yet to see any evidence of that myself, but in these things it's best to be safe, and I've submitted him myself to this show in hopes of discovering the truth.
Please ignore the news reports that call this retaliation for the blatant and wilful revelation of my entirely innocent ties to the British government. Lawsuits are currently being filed.
He is of above average intelligence and possesses, some would say, a supernatural ability to discover one's life story from a five minute meeting.
Secondly we have Dr John Watson, a former army doctor whose gunshot wound to the right shoulder has created a painful limp in his left leg.
Sherlock, do give the man his cane back. You're forbidden from interacting with your fellow contestants until you enter the flat. Now. Those security guards are armed, and you're well aware of how it feels to be tased. Thank goodness we had those legalized in the wake of the alien invasion, am I correct, viewers? I shall look the other way for a time should you want to hit him with it, Dr Watson.
Next we have one of the three female contestants for this season. Please, viewers don't be afraid to nominate the women in your life if you have the smallest suspicions of their origin. It's not a cruelty if they are, in fact, homo sapiens; if we allow fifty percent of our population to remain untested we are creating an opening for more of our extra-terrestrial assailants to find a place to hide.
A round of applause, if you will, for Dr Molly Hooper, a medical examiner currently employed at St Bartholomew's hospital. Should she be proven not to be this season's alien, Dr Hooper has been given permission to perform the world's first alien autopsy. The results could revolutionise next season should she be successful, so let's hope you are in fact human, shall we Molly?
We're lucky enough to have a third doctor, this season. A forensic specialist who also works for New Scotland Yard, and who appears to have been nominated by my brother due to his "inescapable stupidity and frankly suspicious hair", please welcome Dr Lawrence Anderson.
Ah. Oh dear. The next contestant also seems to have been nominated by my brother, as "only an alien could stand Anderson's ridiculousness for an extended period". We have Detective Inspector Gregory Lestrade. Mr Lestrade joins us in the wake of an amicable divorce, and hopes to increase the awareness of alien crime in London.
Honestly, Sherlock, this show isn't a way to settle your personal vendettas. No, it isn't mine, either. Do shut up.
Ooh, another St Bartholomew's employee! Hello, Mr James Moriarty, who works in Information Technology; he also, apparently, owns his own business that dabbles in "a bit of this and that". My apologies, Jim. These cue cards just don't have room for all the relevant information. Jim has an intelligence that may well equal my brothers'; rather suspicious that we have two this season, isn't it, when such people approximate less than one percent of the population. He also teaches the occasional class at Cambridge, in physics. You are multitalented, aren't you?
Next, Ms Irene Adler, our second female. Ms Adler has few friends and no family, and all attempts to investigate her background have been met with resistance. She is currently employed…oh dear. Can I say this on television? Yes? As you wish. Ms Adler is a professional sex worker, specialising in "recreational scolding", and including clients such as…good grief, Ms Adler, I'm not perpetuating slander like that. The royal family would never…
Moving on.
Finally we have Mrs Katherine Hudson. Mrs Hudson is our only volunteer, and owns the townhouse in which we will be conducting this year's competition. She kindly allowed us to knock the barriers between three flats down to create one large house in which, for the next eight weeks, our eight contestants will be competing. Thank you Mrs Hudson.
Now, for the exciting part. As you are all either familiar or in dire need of knowing, at the end of each week the best testing contestant will be declared officially human. At this point they will have the choice of either exiting the house with £1000 pounds for each week they survived, or staying on and participating in the rest of the competition, for a chance to win £100 000!
To win the prize the human will need to make the least number of incorrect guesses on the identity of the alien. Guess well, contestants! It doesn't matter if you guess correctly in the final week should you have guessed wrong every other. Be careful, be thoughtful, be safe!
Remember, audience, a further £100 000 is available for audience participation. Please visit our website for further details, and keep your phones handy for our weekly voting lines.
Most excitingly, is this year's prize for the alien! Should they manage to fool both our audience and our contestants, our alien will be entitled to a painless euthanasia before the autopsy. If they are discovered…please take a look at the left of our screen to see how the voting went this year:
Beheading: 43%
Burned at the stake: 29%
Live autopsy: 14%
Drowning: 8%
Stoning: 6%
That's right! This year the alien can look forward to a good, old fashioned beheading should they be discovered. That should be incentive to remain hidden, should it not?
Congratulations to all our contestants, it was lovely to meet you and we look forward to learning more as the next eight weeks progress. Please proceed in orderly file to the door to your right, where you will enter 221 Baker Street and begin Season Five of So You Think You Can Captcha!
This is Mycroft Holmes, saying goodbye to Great Britain for the next 24 hours.
sigh
And hopefully my brother for a great deal longer. What do you mean we're still on air?
*censored*.
Cut it. Now.
Were you surprised that Mycroft's brother is going into the house? #SYTYCC #Mycroft #Sherlock