Summary: When you live your whole life knowing you are one of the most important people around, a lot of time is spent wondering what your life could have been like. How Arthur finds what excites him, not the future King everyone else sees.
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin. Obviously, if you don't like it, don't read it. And just to be clear, these are two MALES. Homophobics are not welcome. Evolve. Use a condom and get over the old societies morals. 21ST CENTURY LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! With high definition and surround sound. :)
Yes, I'm aware I'm a gigantic smart ass.
Author's Note: This is going to be a two or three shot. Not completely sure yet. I was going to have this longer, but I wanted to get it up before I go sit in a car for 15 or so hours tomorrow driving to Panama City, FL from VA Beach. Road Trip vacations with my mother, doesn't that just sound like a teenage daughter's dream come true? (Note Sarcasm.) Kill me now. Anyway, you don't really care. NO ACTUAL SMUT IN THIS FIRST CHAPTER, but read it anyway. THE BUILD UP WILL BE WORTH IT. Promise?
Also, first Merlin Fanfiction and it's written with very little sleep behind it, so sorry if you find it a little OOC.
Rating: M - To be safe. Semi-Sexual stuff. But no smut, yet. (Next Chapter? Pretty sure.) Also, kinda dark, but not really.
Please actually read all that? Sorry it's long. :/
Love you guys.
"Hey, Merlin?"
He turned his head to look at me the small grin always playing on his lips, still there with out fail. "Yea, Arthur?" Something about his voice is intoxicating.
"Can I ask you an odd question?" Breathe. In, out. In, out. Right.
"Sure," the grin wavered, and his face showed genuine concern. My heart twisted in my chest. In, out. In, out. "Is everything okay? You haven't seemed like yourself for a little while." He paused for a moment a then his joking grin appeared on his face, "Some of the new Knights of Camelot giving you trouble? Want me to bang some heads together." He let out a silent, yet cheerful laugh while punching his right hand into his left fist. Completely nonthreatening since he bent his fisted hand at the wrist.
"Merlin, don't be an idiot. I can handle my men. And they would all eat you alive in a second." I didn't mean to sound as harsh as I did, but Merlin seemed to shrink back and become slightly less like a friend, and more like a servant.
"Yes, well, what was it you wanted to ask me, Sire?" Yea, there's the wall. This isn't a question I want to ask my servant, Merlin. I want to ask my friend, Merlin.
"Nothing.. It is not important. You are free to go if you'd like." I looked at Merlin and showed no expression. The atmosphere seemed to fizzle, but I wasn't sure with what. Merlin looked like he was going to say something. He stayed frozen for a moment. Deciding, I think. I wanted him to say something. Anything. I just wanted him to stay. Because the moment he left, I knew I'd feel everything crumbling in around me. I'd feel lonely.
He didn't say anything. My heart tightened again. Harder though. It was physical pain this time. I let out a small gasp to Merlin's back as he was gathering my now empty tray of what had been dinner. He didn't hear me and was soon out the door with it closing behind him. I laid down onto my bed and stared at the ceiling with my hands behind my head. I didn't move for awhile. I was about to drift to sleep when I heard a knock on the door.
I knew that knock and it made a smile dance foolishly on my lips. I sat up and mumbled something along the lines of 'come in'. The door opened and Merlin peered inside. "Gaius sent me back he said you had requested some medicine for a shoulder pain and you were to take a small swallow of this every night before bed."
I nodded and Merlin placed it on the table next to my bed, eying me with caring suspicion. I didn't look at him and just studied the floor until he spoke again. "Yes, well, sorry to disturb you getting ready for sleep. I'll see you tomorrow, Sire." He was walking toward the door, with his back to me when I looked up to him. My heart did yet another painful twist and I decided to speak up.
"Merlin, I changed my mind."
He stopped right before his hand touched the door and turned slowly with his head bent down slightly. "Yes, Sir. I'll take it back to Gaius right way then. Sorry for-"
"No, not that." I spat at him. I would almost swear that he flinched. I grimaced at that thought. "Can I ask you a question?" I repeated the request again.
"Yes, Sire. Of course." Merlin nodded quickly as he said this.
"I'm not asking you as a servant. I'm asking as a friend." I held my breath after I said this. I didn't know what came over me. I just said that, before thinking. And I couldn't take it back now. It wasn't like I didn't mean it.
Merlin seemed to relax and let out a breath. He finally stood straighter and looked up at me. "You can ask me anything you want to," he said this sincerely, but without sounded overly sentimental.
Breathe. In, out. In, out. I paused. Everything seemed still except my mind and heart going a thousand miles an hour. "Do you ever wish your life was completely different?"
"Not especially. I like who I am." He smiled when he said this.
"Not who you are exactly." I paused, I didn't want to sound sharp like I had before. "Do you ever just feel like your waiting for something to come along and drastically change you life almost instantly?"
"Yes, well, sort of." Merlin paused this time, but then a questioning look crossed his face. "Why are you asking this, Sire? Has something happened?" I would have sworn in that moment he was sincerely scared and caring for me.
"No.." I let my voice trail off though before I asked a different question. "Are you ever scared that your going to spend your whole life just waiting for that something exciting to happen?"
"I'm scared everyday that I'll wait forever.." I knew there was more to what he said right then. I didn't know what, but I knew it was important. "Is that why you asked? Are you scared you're going to spend your whole life waiting for something?" There was something there too, but I didn't catch what.
"Sort of.." I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say. If someone had told me this morning that I would be having this conversation with Merlin, I would have told them they were insane. This wasn't like either of us. Yet in a way it also was. But here we were. And I'm not bothered at all. I want to talk to him about this.. "When I was little, I always knew when I grew up I would become king. I would be part of everything big and exciting happening. But now, I'm almost there, and it doesn't feel like that's what it's important." I stopped again. That wasn't right.
"I mean I know it's important. And I look forward to taking care of my people. But it doesn't feel like that's what is important to me, Arthur. That's what is important to future King Arthur." I looked up at Merlin now. He was sitting next to me on the side of my bed, staring at me intently. I'd expected him to be looking at me like I was nuts. But he didn't. He looked like he understood. I let my glance fall slightly.
"I think that what is important to you personally, will happen when you do something to make it happen." I knew right then what it was that was so important. And I knew what I had to do to get it. But it scared me more that before. Knowing what it was, and knowing it was impossible, made my heart cringe and bury further into my chest. It didn't hurt, though. I felt like a statue. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I just stared at Merlin. I felt cold. And stuck. Like I was stuck and would never move again. Merlin's face fell to more concern and I moved my eyes to look more specifically at him again.
He gave me a half smile and I melted. I could move again. "Yea, maybe you're right," I practically whispered. His half hearted smile then spread to cover his face with joy. "What?" I said puzzled.
"I think you just gave me a small form of a compliment." He laughed a very quiet laugh, that was just between us.
I gave him a small smile and said, "Hey, I only said, maybe."
He gave another small laugh and then let his smile get small. "Well, you should try it," he said, "When you feel like doing something that you think will have consequences, don't think about it. Just do it. Because even when that bad does happen, the good, personal and just for you, that may or may not come, is completely worth it."
I didn't say anything. There was nothing I could say. This was about doing something. But I couldn't. "Maybe you just need that one event that'll change everything," Merlin meant everything he was saying. And he was completely right. But I couldn't have what I wanted. I already knew the out come of the risk. I'm sure of it.
"What if I wait forever and this moment and great action that I should do, never comes?" The second I said this, I regretted it. I knew exactly what Merlin's reply would be.
"You gotta make the drastic change. The one great move." He stood up then and my gaze followed him. He seemed so tall from where I was sitting on the bed. "Only you know what that move is." He simply stood there looking at me. Wearing my favorite small crooked smile.
"Thank you."
"For what?" Merlin cocked his head to side and I felt my heart twist again. This time it was good though. This time it was longing.
"For telling me what I needed to hear." I stood up and placed my hands on each side of Merlin's neck. His skin was warm and soft to the touch. My thumbs were each placed on lightly on the front of his adorable ears. I inched toward him and our lips lightly skimmed each others. I held us there for a moment. Neither of us moved. My eyes were closed, but I could smell him. It was intoxicating. Our mouths were so close I could taste him. But I didn't move. I didn't breath.
This was my last moment before the drastic change. There was no going back now, but I was slightly fearful of what was ahead. This was the moment that would decide happiness or loneliness. This was an end and a beginning. This was my pulse ringing in my ears and all self control to stop me from shaking. This was it. All or nothing. This was everything.
Merlin leaned forward and time restarted again. His hands came up and met my sides. I let one hand drop from his neck to drift down his chest and then around to his back. We pulled each other close and everything else faded. Our lips and tongues intertwined and danced with each other mercilessly. The kiss was so strong, and needed. So firm it almost hurt. But I didn't care. Then we pulled away and breathed.
The world was still here. No one died. Nothing had changed, but everything was different.
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