I was bored and my muse finally woke up from his hibernation (the sun seems to be fuelling him), so, I decided to write a response to 'Yuffie's Letter', like some reviewers had told me to. Anyways, here goes! (Btw, Riku POV)

Okay, so, I got this email from some person called 'tehgreatestninjaever', and it started talking about some website that was pairing her and me together, so, I decided to check out these whackos that were pairing me with someone I'd never met. But, I was very angry when I went on this monstrous website. Very angry.

Firstly. I AM NOT GAY. I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH SORA. AND I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT 'SORA'S NIMBLE FINGER'S MAKING SHORT WORK OF MY BELT BUCKLE'. Geez, seriously, where the hell did you get the idea that I was in love with Sora, the same the other way around? Okay, so, maybe he cried when Kairi told him that I was there, but, that's just because I'm his best friend. That's all. God.

Secondly, I do not like Kairi. Any more. Yeah, I used to like her, but I gave up competing against Sora for her affection because he'd won without even trying. I was there when she asked him if he wanted to go without me. So, whatever. I got over her.

Nor do I feel for Naminé. She's – was – more of a little sister to me. And I never even saw her that much, only when DiZ and I rescued her from Oblivion and then about three times afterwards. When she wouldn't stop crying about taking Sora's memories apart and I had to comfort her, and then when she confronted Saïx with Kairi, and lastly when she and Roxas spoke to Kairi and Sora. And she's TINY. Really. Like, I could step on her.

Okay, so, you guys pair me with Yuffie. Puh-lease. She's hyper, annoying, and she could probably kick my ass. She's already failed two of three from my checklist. And, she called me an emo. I am totally not an emo. I locked myself in Kingdom Hearts because I had to fight the darkness. She's gonna call me an emo for that comment too, isn't she?

Ew. That is disgusting. Some of you sickos have put me with Mickey. He's a god damned mouse! Does no one get that? I'm not even gonna comment anymore on this one.

Good god, Larxene? Really? Firstly, not my type. Second, I am not into dominatrix. You do not want to know what I saw her and Axel doing when I was trying to escape Castle Oblivion. Just, ew.

Also, Olette. Don't know the girl. She sounds a bit like Selphie, though. And, that means no. And, talking about Selphie, ditto. She's even more hyper than Yuffie.

So there. I've gone through all one hundred and eleven pages of fan fictions that the main character is me, and that's the most important ones. Because I'm not mentioning any more slash. Seriously, what is it that makes me look gay? I'd better send this on to Sora and Kairi and stuff. I read some pretty kinky stuff that they've 'done'. Heh.

See, people, I'm not that interested in dating right now. I'd rather kick the shit out of Heartless and Nobodies and god damned Chasers (those bastards are ANNOYING), and save the world while looking fine. Then I'll break lots of hearts. Because I'm cool like that.

Signed,

Riku Higure