I hope you enjoy the story. I love the friendship Meredith and Alex have so I want that to be highlighted. It's somewhat a continuation of my first story, A New Beginning, so if you haven't read that, give it a read!
I always knew one day I would tell her about Derek. I would tell her how much he would have loved her and how she looked just like him. Every time I looked into her eyes I could see him. I would show her all the pictures. We talked about Derek all the time. Zola and Bailey loved hearing stories about their dad and watching home videos. I often thought about how Zola and Bailey will always know Derek to be their dad, but Alexandria never would. She will never know him, and that saddens me so much. The kids are so lucky to have so many supportive people in their lives. They lost their dad but they never felt like they lost any love. They have so many people they can look up to. Having Alex, Amelia and Maggie around has helped so much. Alex treats the kids as if they were his own and Zola and Bailey love having "Uncle Alex" around to play with them. Alexandria loves it when Alex reads to her before bed and she smiles every time he comes through the door. I knew she and Alex had a special bond right from the start. I love seeing them together. He brought her into the world. But I had no idea how it would feel the day I heard her call Alex "Dada."
It was a Tuesday morning. Alexandria, just shy of being one had been teething for weeks. Over the weekend she had spiked a fever and it had been on and off for the early part of the week. I was scheduled for surgery with Alex that morning, but I was reluctant to leave her. Maggie was off that day so I felt some relief knowing she would be with the kids all day. Zola and Bailey were happy they got to spend the day with Maggie. Maggie knew I was unsure if I wanted to leave the baby but she assured me she would be fine. I kissed the three kids' goodbye, and hesitantly left.
When I got to the hospital that morning the ER was full. I went upstairs to find Alex and get ready for surgery.
"The patient is prepped and ready. Are you ready for this?"
"I'm ready. Let's do this."
The two of us scrubbed in together. Alex and I spend a lot of time together, but we don't get to operate together very often, so I was happy we got to do this today. We were in for a long day, but we were ready to go. The surgery went very smoothly. We were about half way done when Alex's pager went off. He was being paged to the ER. The hard part was over, so I told him to go on and I got Jo, who was up watching in the gallery to come down and scrub in. We continued to operate when April walked in. She told me that I was needed down in the ER and that she would take over. She was very hesitant to look at me in the eyes, so I just knew something was wrong.
"April, what's wrong?"
She kept her head down and just told me to go find Alex. I rushed out of the OR and ran downstairs to find Alex. My heart was racing. When I got there the ER was just as chaotic as it had been when I had first gotten to the hospital that morning. I was searching through people trying to find Alex, when my eye's met with Maggie's. My heart stopped and my mind raced. Maggie was supposed to be home with the kids. Why was she here and where were my kids?
Maggie came running over to me. Her voice cracked through the tears as she tried to tell me what happened.
"Mer, I'm so sorry. She was fine and then, she, she…"
The fear in my body turned into urgency.
"Maggie, what happened? Whose hurt?"
"It's Alexandria Mer. She had a seizure."
The room started spinning. I could barely see Maggie as my eyes began to fill up with tears.
"Where is she?"
Maggie pointed to the trauma room behind her. I ran in to see Alex and Amelia working on her. She lay silent and motionless on the table.
"Alex."
He looked at me with tears in his eyes. Amelia looked up and I could see the tear stains on her cheeks as she stroked the top of the baby's head.
"She's ok Mer. She's sedated, but she's stable."
I ran to her side and held her tiny hand. I felt so much guilt. She's just a baby. I knew she had a fever. I never should have left her. Alex assured me she would be ok and that it wasn't my fault. I was overcome with emotion. I could feel my legs give out. Alex caught me before I hit the floor. He cradled me in his arms as I sobbed.
They moved Alexandria up onto the peds floor. She was still sedated, but we hoped she would wake up soon. I stayed with her all night and watched her while she slept. Maggie stayed with me and Amelia went home with Zola and Bailey. At this point I wasn't sure who felt more guilt, me or Maggie. I felt so bad for leaving her that morning, but Maggie felt so bad that it happened while she was watching her. Maggie knew it wasn't her fault, but she loved that baby and she felt so guilty.
She woke up early the next morning. I was so happy to see her beautiful bright blue eyes when she opened them. She appeared to be fine. She still had a slight fever so we decided it was best to keep her at the hospital until it went away. Amelia also wanted to get a head CT where she had had the seizure. We got her ready and Amelia took her down to radiology, while myself and Maggie went to get a much needed coffee. I also ran upstairs to daycare to check on Zola and Bailey. They came running when they seen me. Zola was so concerned about Alexandria, but I assured her she would be just fine. She hugged me and told me that she knew.
"Daddy is watching out for her."
I smiled at her, but her words stung. I wish Derek had been here. He always said that when there's a crisis I never freeze, but he was always the first one to leap into action. He always knew what to do. He was the superhero.
I went back upstairs to find Maggie. She was in the attending's lounge talking to Jackson, when I walked in. He asked how Alexandria was doing and said he was thinking about us and if we needed anything he was here. I thanked him and smiled and told Maggie I was heading back upstairs. As I walked towards her room I could see Alex and I could see Alexandria in his arms. I just stopped and smiled because I knew how much they loved each other. I stopped outside the door and just looked at them. Even when she was sick she looked so happy when Alex held her. Alex talked softly to her and she giggled. I stood in the door and smiled at the two of them. Alex seen me and smiled.
"Look there's your mommy."
He kissed the baby on the forehead and started to hand her to me. She turned back and looked right at Alex and said "Dada." My heart stopped. I froze. I didn't know what to do. As I turned to walk away I could feel the tears roll down my cheeks. From a distance I could hear Alex say "No, I'm Alex." But it was too late. Alex was the only father figure that she ever knew. She didn't do anything wrong. She doesn't know any different. I ran down the hall as fast as I could. I could hear Alex calling out to me from a distance but I kept running. I ran past the attending's lounge where Maggie and Jackson were. Maggie got up and ran to the door.
"Mer, where are you going? What's wrong?"
Maggie just stood there confused. A few seconds later Alex ran to her and asked if she had seen me.
"Yeah, she just ran past here. I think she was crying. What's going on?"
Alex was speechless. He couldn't even respond to her question because he didn't even know what to say. He kept running in the direction Maggie had pointed. He finally caught up to me when he seen me go into an on call room. I locked the door so he couldn't get in.
"Mer, please let me in. Just let me talk to you. Meredith please. I'm sorry."
He was apologizing but he had nothing to be sorry for. He had done nothing wrong. If anything, he had done everything right. He has been there for Alexandria right from the start. Right from the moment he helped her take her first breath. He wasn't her dad, but he was all she knew. I managed to catch my breath and compose my thoughts long enough to reach for the door to unlock it. I knew Alex was still outside. I called out to him. He opened the door and I could tell he felt so bad. He never wanted this to happen. Especially not like this.
"Mer, I'm so sorry. She just said it. I didn't know she was going to. I explained..."
"Alex stop. Do not be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't know she was going to say that. She's just a baby, she doesn't know any different. To her, you're the only dad she's ever known."
"Mer, this is not what I wanted. I'm not trying to take his place."
"You aren't. When she's old enough I'll tell her all about Derek. She will know who her dad is, but right now, you are the only dad she knows. I have always known that, but I guess when I heard her call you dad it just hit me. He really is gone and she never will get to know him."
Alex looked at me sympathetically, and wrapped his arms around me. I started to cry again and he held me tighter. Alex always knew what to do. He knows exactly what I need to feel better. He put his arm around me as we walked out of the on call room together. Maggie ran up to us frantic and out of breath.
"Is everything ok? You were crying. Is the baby ok?"
"The baby is fine. Everything is fine."
She looked at me confused, but Alex shot her a look and she knew just to drop it. The three of us walked back to Alexandria's room together. I went over and picked her up and gave her a kiss. She smiled when she seen me. Her bright blue eyes just glowing. She was perfect. Everything about her was perfect. I sat down and rocked her until she fell back to sleep. Her fever finally broke and Amelia cleared her head CT, so I was able to take her home.
Maggie went upstairs and got Zola and Bailey and we all went home together. We settled in at home when Alex showed up. He just wanted to check and make sure we were all ok. I assured him we were fine and as he was about to leave I stopped him.
"Alex, I think the kids would really like it if you stayed and read them a bedtime story."
He smiled and Zola ran over and took him by the hand and lead him towards her books. The two of us and the three kids sat together on the bed and read the story. I looked at him and just smiled. This definitely wasn't how I ever pictured my family. I always pictured Derek here with us, but he was gone. I knew we couldn't replace Derek, and I would never try, but as I sat there looking at my kids and looking at them with Alex, I knew that they would be alright. He would take care of them. He would take care of us.