In the small town of Schlepopobovopabville, there was a washed up child star living with her son Jack. Jack was always up to no good, and was always giving the residents of Schlepopobovopabville a hard time. Their samll argumentative family was very poor, and lived the farthest away from the town center, near the main road. One day, his mother(we will call her Phyllis) ran out of nailpolish.

"Jack, get over here"

A scrawny boy comes over. "What ma? You need more polish?"

"Yes, you need to go sell the cow, cause I'm totally out."

"Mkay."

He goes and tethers Bessie (the cow) who was their only source of eggs.

"C'mon. we gotta get ma some more polish"

"Moooooo"

As they walked along the road, Jack thought about Bessie. She was a good cow, always laying eggs when they needed her to, and her ears were kinda cute(she had bunny ears). Surely he could get a lot with her! Maybe he could even get another cow, and the polish...

Soon, he saw a man wearing a pirate hat walking down the road. When they reached eachother, the man looked at Bessie.

"Argh, you selling your cow, mate?"

"Yeah, ma needs more polish. Her agent might call any day now."

"Well, I COULD taker off your hands. name your price."

"I need $400."

"That's just the amount I seem to have in my pocket, but you look like a smart boy. I could give you the money, but I think you would like these better..." He pulls out a ladybug box, opensit, and takes out four human teeth.

"These here are magical teeth beans, and I bet you want them more then you want the money."

Jack thought for half a second. "Okay. Deal" They exchanged and each went on their way, the pirate saying as soon as Jack was out of earshot "Sucker... To market, to market, I bring this fat cow, A profit, a profit, I've a sure one now."

"Mooo" (Bessie said that)

Back at her home outside Schlepopobovopabville, Phyllis saw her son.

"Wheres the polish?"

"I ain't got it, I have magic teeth beans instead."

"Show em to me...Now I have them." She throws them into a sunny spot in the garden.

"Ma..."

"Get your ungreatful beehind in that house and make me some eggs."

"Yes ma"

Well, later that night, the teeth beans grew. They grew so hig, the clouds had to move out of its way. When Jack woke up, he saw it outside his window. Being as he was, he started to climb it, and went to the very top, where he saw a castle. Going up to the it, he knocked on the door. A giant lady opened it, and let him inside.

"Who are you?" The giant lady screamed. (To Jack, it seemed like she screamed, but she was really whispering)

"I'm Jack"

"What are y'all doing here?"

"I'm exploring. Do you have any food?"

"No...go away."

"But I'm really hungry"

"Fine, but you have to leave as soon as I give it to you."

"I will, promise!"

She made him a sandwitch, and just as she finished, the door to the castle swung open.

"Darlene, Honey, I'm Home...Hey, do you have a human here?"

"No, sweetie don't be silly...But I do have your favorite in the oven"

"Baked Brains and stew, I love you hon"

"Do you want me to set out our retirement fund so you can count it?"

"That'd be great."

Darlene returned with a bag full of human coins, and her husband began counting, but fell asleep on the table.Jack (you forgot about him, didn't you?) raced to the table, and filled his pockets with the gols. Then he began to fill up every article of clothing he had on. Finally, the bag was light enough for him to carry. Lumbering down, he reached the door when the giant looked up, seeing him.

"Honey, I'm gonna go out for a little while...need to get some stuff."

"Klaus, don't you be late for dinner again."

But the giant was already on the chase. Jack was climbing down as fast as he could.When he finally got down, Klaus was really close, and calling "Hey, wait, we need to talk about something!"

Grabbing the axe, he chopped down the cherry tree, I mean beanstalk, causing the giant to fall down straight to earth. The hole from his landing was 2 miles deep. (So that's where the Grand Canyon came from...) Klaus the giant never spoke again. Jack, thinking everything was good, called to his mother.

"Ma, I got money"

She came out, and saw the big hole with the giant.

"Good, now go back and get the cow"

Down the road Jack went, and finally he caught up to the pirate.

"I need my cow back. I'll give you everything in the sack for her!" The sack had all the giant's money.

"You got yourself a deal mate"

So, they parted ways again, with Jack having been ripped off again. When Jack got back home, he found his mother with a strange man. She drove off and left without even an explanation. (Now she is a famous actress again) Seven days later, Jack was faced with a lawsuit for "robbery, murder, and rape" (The last one was from another story) He had to go see Mrs. Darlene B. Jiant, where he lost every posession he owned. POOR JACK!!!!!

And what's the moral of the story...Beware evil pirates

So, our first fairly fractured fairy tale is over, and what's next...Cinderella!!!!

Please review, and give me your thoughts... I'll tell you how to pronounce Schlepopobovopabville if you do!!!! (haha, try saying that 5 times in a row fast!!!) I know there are oddities, that you will find only in these stories...(BTW the beanstalk was the strange man, he was under a spell from the evil pirate)