A/N: wow, such a change from my usual angst-ridden stuff. I decided to write a crack-fic of Durarara because i recently got into Shizaya (tehe) so yeah! It's based on a backstory (of the novel i assume) which featured a succubus who wanted to seduce Shizuo so transformed into someone she THOUGHT he had some chemistry with (oh, there IS chemistry between Shizu and Iza, but not necessarily THAT kind heh.) So here you go. Crack ShizuoXIzaya

Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara, nor created Dollars :(

Ikebukuro was the centre of all things uncanny- whether it be headless dullahans, or cursed swords, the bustling city had it all. Really, Shizuo didn't think anything supernatural could surprise him anymore. He was described to be the strongest and scariest man in 'Bukuro and survived many life-threatening situations. He's been run over by a truck, stabbed by ball-point pens and has even been shot before, yet still lives to see the light of day and continues to pursue down his most detested guy in the world: Izaya. One would believe he's done it all, and seen it all but is that the truth? Perhaps there is still one last supernatural entity he has yet to feast his eyes on…

The tall blonde wandered through the lone alleyway; the dull expression still plastered on his face as he searched effortlessly for a 'someone' he was meant to meet. He looked up into the sky with lazed eyes and decided to call his acquaintance, Tom, because truth be told, he had no idea why he was searching the alleyway.

'Riiing…riiing'

"Yo, s'up?"

"Tom, who was I meant to meet up with again?" Shizuo scratched his head out of habit.

"What?! I've told you several times before already. It's a girl! You're looking for a girl!"

A confused look crossed the bartender's face. "…yeah, about that. Why am I looking for a girl again?"

Grumbling noises were heard on the other line. "She's a client! Damn it, Shizuo. Can't you remember something as simple as that?"

"Ah, yeah. Sorry." He hung up straight away and continued his hunt for this 'girl'.

Oh…I forgot to ask for her name…

He was just about to call Tom again when a startled voice came from behind him. He turned around, only to meet eyes with a petite lady who was wearing some rather…revealing clothes.

"Oh, are you Shizuo?" She girl blinked several times, showing off her massive black lashes, half covered by her fringe. Her head was covered with vibrant red and adorned with two pointy horns on the sides of her head. Her impressive assets were held together by a tight and lacy corset, with the width of her hips heavily emphasized by the deliberate slimming of the stomach. That wasn't what set her apart from everything else though –for all Shizuo knew, she could've been a crazy cosplayer. What caught the man's attention were the crazy bat wings behind her back, and they weren't some cheap decoration either. These were very real and authentic wings that emerged from her back.

…Huh. What a strange looking thing. A relative of Celty's?

"Oh, my~ aren't you just studdly? Why don't you come play with me?" She added at the end, "If you know what I mean."

"…Huh?" But seeing how oblivious and stupid the bartender was his mind couldn't register the implications of the strange woman's suggestion. "I'm sorry but who are you again?"

The feisty woman pouted disappointedly. "My, you're slow aren't you? I'm what you call a succubus and I've come to Ikebukuro to look for a nice meal. Won't you satisfy my hunger, honey?"

Shizuo simply shrugged and gestured for her to get lost. "I have no time for you. I'm looking for a girl…or guy or something. Seen anyone around here?"

"Eh? Guy? You want to play with a guy instead?" The succubus totally misinterpreted what the oblivious man said and instead raised her arms above her and proceeded to transform. "Oh, I know exactly who you want!"

"Huh? You do? Well if you could tell me just where-" He stopped midway when puffy smoke materialized around the girl who had seemingly disappeared. Well, 'seemingly' because Shizuo could still detect a black shadow in all the white smoke. After it had begin to dissipate, he was about to speak to her again when something unbelievable appeared in front of him, rendering him speechless.

"Ara~ Shizu-chan!"

WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF F-!!!

He glared furiously at the all-too-familiar lanky figure who was wearing nothing but a tight black shirt and tight leather pants, accentuating the figure's attractive curves. "I…Izaya!! What the fuck are you doing here, you maggot?!"

The succubus, no wait, Izaya lowered his fingers to his mouth seductively, gesturing for 'Shizu-chan' to come 'play' with him. "Oh, aren't you happy to see me? Nee~~Shizu-chan." Izaya stumbled forward and boldly hugged the man in front of him who was in no doubt about to explode in pure anger. He nuzzled his nose against the bartender's chest and whispered in a seductive voice. "Let's play together. Just you and me?" But before the horny man could get a reply, Shizuo violently shoved him off. "Oww, that really hurt Shizu-"

"Get the fuck out of my sight!"

"Eh? I thought you were happy to see me?"

Shizuo cackled evilly. His eyes hid a murderous intent behind those shades of his and with every laugh, Izaya slowly backed away. "Oh, I'm happy to see you. Very happy indeed. This gives me the chance to finally kill you once and for all, you disgusting worm!" In pure coincidence, a vending machine was located just besides the wall across him. Without a second thought, he lifted the massive vending machine with his bare hands and held it above his head. "I changed my mind! I'll play a game with you, but the loser will die by my hands! And guess what!? You're the loser!"

Izaya stumbled with his words. "Bu-but-what-" The vending machine came crashing down before he could finish. Izaya –now turned back into the succubus- just barely dodged Shizuo's attack, almost tripping over and falling towards the bartender's feet.

"Ah?! Who the hell are you?! And where the fuck has that bastard gone now?!" The man proceeded to pick up the vending machine again but the succubus immediately leapt away from him in fright.

"Ahh~~ Why did I become attracted to this violent guy?! Help me!" And with that, the little demon flew away in haste, leaving behind a stunned bartender behind.

And here in 'Bukuro I thought I'd seen it all.

The phone rang and he picked it up, immediately reverting back to his cool and calm self. "Shizuo speaking."

"Did you find the girl yet??"

The man scratched his head until something finally clicked in his mind. "Yeah, I think so but she kinda flew away."

"Oh you finally- wait, what?!"

Shizuo couldn't be bothered anymore and closed off his mobile phone, ignoring whatever Tom had to say next. He looked at his watch and decided to go home but before he did, he placed the vending machine back to its original spot. With a final sigh of content, he headed out the alleyway.

What a crappy day today was…Next time I'll kill Izaya for sure!

A/N: Grr Saika! Stay away from Shizu-chan!