Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Star Trek Voyager. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show and Paramount.

The Little Things

It was the little things she did that served to reassure him of something between them. The way she said his name when she was convinced he couldn't hear her. The tenderness with which she quickly and quietly bemoaned any injury to his person or a period of unexpected comm silence from him, (who was she kidding, any period of silence at all) It was in the way her voice quivered painfully when she said that she was alone after they had argued over the borg. He hoped these things were acts of love, he feared that they would disappear, but he knew that no matter what it was, he would never stop loving her or the little things she did.

It was the large gestures he made in her presence or in attempts to protect her that kept her assured of his love. Even before the elaborate legend that declared it without words, there had been the bathtub and the protective embrace during the plasma storm. Larger still was the stance he had taken outside the sacred shrine, declaring for the world to see his intent to strip her of her power just to protect the woman underneath. She had looked from Chakotay to Neelix, in that moment and seen identical looks pass across faces quadrants apart, both were determined to save their "mates" by any means necessary. The only difference between these two men was that one was able to declare the reason for his large gestures without a thought, while the other had to hide his intent behind a series of small gestures…protocol…her protocol.

It was her small gestures, begging off dinners for work reasons, touching him a little less often on the shoulder and using "Commander" more, Chakotay less, that drove him to make the grand gestures of encouraging her relationship with Michael, ignoring her kiss with the inspector and merely sighing resignedly as Jaffen and the captain shared the relationship that he had once believed only himself and Kathryn could share. But none of these things could compare with the largest gesture Chakotay ever made in their "relationship"…the choice to end it.

He began seeing Seven.

That relationship began slowly with Chakotay making small gestures, tentatively venturing forward in response to Seven's outlandish overtures. He was flattered, but nervous; he wasn't comfortable showing his affection for her openly, not feeling at ease enough to make any big announcements to the crew…to the captain…to Kathryn.

When Kathryn heard of the new relationship from the admiral, her entire body curled, as though it was locked in a momentary contraction that began in her heart and radiated outward. The reaction was so heartbreakingly strong that even her face lost its ability to maintain the captain's mask for a split second and the admiral cringed at how large a response she had evoked with the information. But the older woman maintained her composure as she learned over to her shell shocked counterpart and whispered, "Little things, may, in the end be...too little…too late."

So like any good tactical officer, the present timeline's Kathryn took a page from Chakotay's book and, on their last night on Voyager before the debriefings, made the largest gesture of her life.

Kathryn made her way to Chakotay's quarters, her hands shaking and sweat laden as they clutched the newly cut stem of the peace rose between her palms. She was going to see him. It was quite a large and foolhardy gesture she knew, but she felt compelled to do it, the captain in her be damned, (another mental gesture too large to justify and yet…truthful). She liked being honest with herself and rationalized that even if Chakotay had nothing but compassion left in his heart for her, at least she had made the biggest gesture she could to herself and to him by telling him where he stood and had always stood in her heart.

She pushed the cue for the chime.

Once inside, she took the seat on the couch that he offered her, but declined the coffee, as she would have had to let go of the peace rose to drink it and she wanted it to remain concealed from sight in the hand behind her back for as long as she could keep her arm in that position. She had decided to put it there in a small fit of uncharacteristic fear right before Chakotay had answered the door.

Chakotay's brow furrowed at the coffee refusal and at Kathryn's attempt to make small talk, which on any other evening might have seemed amusing, but on this night, their last in the same space for perhaps weeks, months, years, or even lifetimes, it seemed trite.

What are you hiding behind your back Kathryn?" Chakotay questioned softly, cutting her off mid diatribe.

Kathryn was so engrossed in explaining the updated debriefing procedures that Chakotay's voice and question startled her." Oh… it's just something I thought I should give you before we left." Slowly she removed the flower from behind her back and laid it her lap. Looking up at him after a moment, she took in his shocked expression and attempted to defuse the tension in the room with humor, "You gave me one so I figured that if this is truly an equal partnership, I needed to give you one too." As she finished speaking, she handed him the rose, knowing from his silence that her attempt at a joke had failed

"Thank you.", he half laughed, shocked and more than a little nervous, as he took the rose from her and laid it on the table in front of them.

"You're welcome", she said automatically. A second later however, she caught herself trying to escape to formalities and added, "And Chakotay…"

"Yes", he said, expecting her to have some parting words for him as his captain, a commendation or a promise of a recommendation. He even dared to hope that she would make the first comment about them staying in touch because if she didn't mention it, he had decided to let her alone once they were done at headquarters, his last gesture of love.

"I love you.", she said evenly, her voice never betraying the flurry of fear and hope that was mingling in her heart as she said the words.

"I know and I love you too.", he said casually, almost as though he were on autopilot. I told Seven how I felt a few hours before she left, she said she understood…wait, you what?"

"I love you.", she said again, her body, mind and heart even more tense than they had been a few moments ago., afraid se had shocked him. He had said he loved her, but she wasn't sure he had knew what he was saying and she was uncharacteristically terrified, scared that now that he truly understood what she had told him, he would turn from her either in anger or pity. She tried to prepare herself for the reality that even if he didn't love Seven, he might not love her either.

Chakotay didn't say anything, instead he took her hand and stood, pulling her up with him and gently guiding her into his embrace. Then he bent down slightly and captured her lips with his own, gently parting them, but not allowing his tongue to come into play. There would be time for passion later; this kiss was about sealing a life long bond. When they drew apart, Kathryn laid her head on Chakotay's chest and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer and stroking her back. They stayed standing together in the silence of his quarters until Kathryn laughed under his chin.

"What's so funny Sweetheart?" he asked quietly.

"How did you know?", she questioned still chuckling.

"Know what?", he queried, continuing to caress her back

"That I love and have loved you all this years? I never told you…", she said seriously.

Chakotay pulled back slightly and took her face in his hands, "Yes, you did my love, maybe not with words, but it was there for all to see…in the little things."

Kathryn tensed at the last phrase and a tear slid unbidden down her cheek, " The little things…", she whispered, more to herself than to him.

Wiping the tear away lovingly with the soft pad of his thumb, he continued talking softly, thinking she was unaware of what he meant. "Putting your hands on my chest, the quick shoulder touches, the look in your eyes when our gazes would lock after a difficult decision or a hard day…" He stopped as Kathryn once again put her head against his chest and began to cry, saying something he couldn't quite understand at first.

"She said that…it might be…too little...too late…for the small things", Kathryn shuddered and stiffened in Chakotay's arms as she thought of the older woman, her future self and the cruel matter of fact manner of the admiral. Seeing herself so bitter and so keen on an agenda despite the pain she might cause had hurt her as much as the woman's words.

"Shh Love, she was wrong, so very wrong,", Chakotay reassured her, making gentle open palm circles on her back. He now understood that the admiral had frightened the unflappable Captain Kathryn Janeway into believing that who she was as a woman wouldn't be enough of an enticement for him after all these years, and that even if it was, Chakotay might be in happy enough with Seven not to care. It was true that he had grown frustrated with waiting fort the woman now in his arms, but she had always been more than enough to fill his heart and dreams, Now he only hoped he could convince her that it was still possible for her to fill his life.

Slowly he lifted her into his arms cradling her still crying form to his chest and relishing the feel of total trust emanating from her as her tear streaked face buried itself in the uniform material covering the crux of his neck. He walked to the couch and sat down with her in his lap, content to hold her and murmur comfort to he as she cried. After about an hour, her tears had slowed to hiccups and she felt composed enough to look up at him.

As, her reddened, swollen, and exhausted eyes looked into his, he said gently, "It'll be all right my Kathryn, I'll not going anywhere, but you're tired, you need to get into bed"

She flushed and made to move from his lap, feeling exposed and embarrassed by her out burst, and his ability to read her" I'm fine Chakotay really."

"I don't believe that.", he responded, lessening the strength of his hold on her, but not completely letting go of her. He was allowing her to chose whether she wanted his physical comfort or not. A full minute passed before he allowed himself to retighten his grip around her, not quite believing that despite her proclamation, she remained in his lap, positioned unchanged.

"You're right. I'm not… fine.", she said after a time. At his loving and encouraging nod, she added, Thank you for knowing me…for understanding Kathryn."

"You're welcome", he said gently as he moved his arms from around her and placed one arm under her legs and one around her shoulders, once again lifting her carefully against his chest and speaking softly, "The senior staff are allowed to spend tonight on board if they so desire." At her questioning look, he explained, "It was in one of those pads you asked me to skim today."

Nodding tiredly, she accepted the information without question, a sure sign to Chakotay that he'd made the right decision when he'd told Admiral Paris that the captain would be spending the night aboard.

When they reached her bedroom, he gently set her so that she was sitting on the edge of the bed, and looking into her eyes with all the love in his heart, he leaned down to kiss her lips and forehead and whispered," Goodnight" in her ear.

He was turning toward the door when he felt a small, tentative touch on his arm that bade his heart to turn toward its soul mate. Locking eyes with hers once again, he felt rather than saw her hand slide into his and pull him toward the bed, stopping them beside it. No words were spoken as he watched her walk into the bathroom, leaving him to ponder her actions as he waited for her to return. Finally, she emerged from the bathroom in a flowing nightgown that was not revealing, but looked loose enough to be comfortably worn while snuggling with someone. Still speaking only with her eyes, she caught his gaze as she slid into bed, silently entreating him to hold her as she slept.

Chakotay understood the larger meaning of her small gestures and quickly stripped down his tank and briefs, before gently sliding into bed beside Kathryn, their eyes never breaking contact. As Kathryn hesitantly cuddled against his left side, he turned to face her, wrapping both arms around her and making slow circles on her back once more,. He hoped that his touch alone would convey his incredible love for the small and vulnerable woman in his arms whose strength and wisdom were truly larger than life. When he felt her breathing deepen into the easy rhythm of sleep, he knew she had received his message and he settled down to sleep. Before his eyes closed for the night, he whispered, "The best things do come in small packaged Admiral, I'm sorry you never go the chance to know that ", hoping that wherever or whenever she was, his humble words could fill the gaping hole in her heart.

This is my first J/C /Star Trek fanfiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review. :)

Corinna

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