Longer Summary-"You failed because you thought his decision was made. It wasn't." She had told Luke this with such intense resolution in her voice. But Rey failed in exactly the same way Luke had. She had acted impulsively and naively, thinking Ben would change within the course of an hour, thinking that his future was set in stone. Coming to terms with her own failure after the Battle of Crait would be a struggle. She is just a strong headed and willful as Ben Solo. But can she finally swallow her pride and reach out to Ben through their force connection, assuaging the rift between them? Ben needs to grow up. He needs to begin his path to redemption by himself. But he also needs someone to not give up on him for once in his life.

In other words: set to the tune and lyrics of: Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton (thanks Daisy Ridley for telling us what Kylo Ren's go to karaoke song is!)

A/N-Hi. This is my attempt to repair my own heart after watching Star Wars: The Last Jedi. I've been a Reylo since December 2015 and while I obviously love elements in The Last Jedi, Rian Johnson basically took my heart, stroked it lovingly, and then stomped on it. I just needed to write this story to grapple with my own mixed feelings and heartache after Episode VIII.
I tried to think of a more graceful title for this story, but I just couldn't get Spectrum out of my head. It just feels right for where this story is headed.
Anyway, please enjoy, thank you for reading, please let me know if you spot a mistake. I hope you like it, but ultimately it's for my own catharsis and in the words of Rian Johnson: "make the story you want to tell."
Also, shout out to a fellow Reylo writer who has inspired me to write for over a year now: vinventure12. Please check out her story: The Space Between the Stars because it really sets the bar high for Star Wars and Reylo stories, and fanfiction in general. She'd probably be embarrassed by this S/O but I don't even care! haha
xoxoxoxo

"I'm not giving you anything.
We'll see."

"You need a teacher. Let me show you the ways of the force."

Fingers reaching out. Seeing the milky white flesh of his hand for the first time. Feeling the heat from their hands before the actual skin contact.

"You're nobody. But not to me."

"Ben, I saw your future, just the shape of it, but it was clear and solid."

"You're so lonely."

"The belonging you seek is not behind you. It is ahead."

Finger tips touching. It felt electrifying, a jolt through her core. Gasp. Softness. Heat. Dark eyes penetrating her soul. Skin to skin contact that felt like nothing she had ever experienced before. Dizzying. Her heart felt like it was in her throat. Her breath hitched.

Longing eyes. Longing hearts.

Connection. Understanding. Empathy.

"You failed because you thought his decision was made. It wasn't."

"It's just us now."

Rey moaned in her sleep, turning over in her cot and punching the flimsy pillow under her head, her neck aching. Drool pooled around the corner of her mouth as she became cognizant of her surroundings again. Ben.

The last week had been chaotic to say the least. As the Millennium Falcon soared away from Crait, escaping the First Order, everyone scrambled; either fussing over Rose, trying to provide her with medical attention with the supplies the Falcon yielded, or scrambling to decide on a destination.

Rey had sat, watching Finn pull the thin blanket up around Rose. Rey smiled, feeling bittersweet about the moment between Finn and Rose. So much had happened since she had been separated from Finn in nearly the same way, when she had been looking down at Finn, wounded from battle. It felt like years ago at this point. She was not the same person anymore, and nor was he. She was glad Finn had found another friend. But she felt a tinge of jealousy. Not a romantic jealousy for Finn per se, but rather a longing to share an uninterrupted, meaningful relationship with someone.

Her feelings were a jumbled mess of tension, longing, sadness, anger, anxiety, and disgust with feeling Ben's rage flow through their connection during the Battle of Crait. But most confusing of all were the layers of disappointment. She had believed she could truly save him. A naïve belief, she scoffed. He's filled with too much anger. Too much darkness, she thought bitterly.

But…but…as much as Rey wanted to try to rationalize her interactions with him in that way she knew that wasn't the whole truth. There was something else there and she saw it.

And another layer of disappointment scared her. It waved a yellow flag, bidding her to slow down, to think, to stop focusing on what's wrong with Ben and evaluate her own flaws. Rey…it called to her, gentle but urgent, you gave up on him too.

NO. She pushed back against her conscience. I can't think about that now. I have more important work to do. She tried to concentrate on the role she played with the Resistance turned Rebellion now. They had to pick up the pieces of the miserable defeat on Crait. She shoved the feeling of disappointment in herself aside, determined to make a difference with the Rebellion. This is where she belonged.

But that only left her feeling hollow and guilty.

She sat up, rolling her head back and to the other side. Everything in her body ached from the fight against Snoke's guards on the Supremacy, from being force manipulated by Snoke himself, from the pent up tension during the Battle of Crait. She slowly swiveled her legs off the cot, her shoeless but clothed feet hitting the floor. She padded over to the chest she had stored her clothes, her three meager outfits. She looked back and forth between her options, only dressed in her pants from Ahch-To and the beige cloth wrapped around her torso. All the outfits brought back conflicted or painful memories.

Her scavenger's outfit representing the loneliness and desolation she felt on Jakku. The outfit she wore when she witnessed Han, one of her first friends, die. The outfit she'd worn when she had fought Ben in the snow when she'd been filled with terror that melted into vengeance with every swing of the blue lightsaber that had chosen her over him.

Her second outfit, lighter in color and in weight. The vest that kept her warm at night. The ivory cream colored shirt that fit her snugly, that made her feel more womanly than her scavenger outfit with its low v-neck. She recalled when she had first put it on before leaving D'Qar. She had stared at herself in the mirror for minutes, amazed that after just a couple of days she could feel so different about herself. And while she liked this outfit, it reminded her of her time with Luke. The truth of his past with his nephew. The shock and repulsion she felt when she found out. It was enough to make her nauseous all over again. Luke was supposed to be a legend. A hero. He had not only failed his nephew, he had nearly committed an atrocity, and then he had given up and hidden himself away. Tears welled in Rey's eyes as she remembered the night she heard Ben's point of view, could see and experience the memory through him because of their strange force bond. No, I can't think of that now, she sniffed, forcing the tears to desist, swallowing her emotions. Leia had told her that Luke had gone to Ben on Crait, peaceful about his decision. And Rey had felt when he passed on and became one with the force. She could only hope that his last interaction with Ben had been worth it. She had no idea. She had been busy saving the Resistance.

But the third outfit wasn't any better. She ran her fingers over the dark material of the tunic. She had fought alongside Ben in that outfit. She had stood so close to him in the elevator, looking up at him with pleading eyes. Snoke had exhaled his awful aura onto her, forcing her to come close and stay still before him. She shuddered and closed the chest. It had been days of wearing that outfit. The stench of sweat, fire, and ashes clung to the material. She grimaced. She couldn't bear to wear it anymore.

She slipped to the door, poking her head out and hoping to find a familiar and feminine face. She was in luck.

"Connix, can you come here for a minute?" Rey begged, hiding her body behind the door. Lieutenant Connix was across and slightly down the hallway, tapping away at a screen in the wall panel.

Connix smiled warmly as Rey opened the door more, making way for the female Resistance leader to enter.

"Are you ok?" Connix asked, her brown eyes gentle as she looked Rey over.

"Yes, I was just wondering if you had some extra clothes."

"Well our supplies are limited of course, but I'll see what I can do." She gave Rey another once over, assessing her size and then disappeared.

Rey sat back down on her cot, propping her elbows on her knees. What a whirlwind. She rubbed her forehead. She felt a nudge on the telepathic connection between her and Ben. It wasn't the first time in the last week. He'd tried a couple of times within hours of the Battle of Crait. She resisted as much as she could, although the force connection seemed to have a will of its own. She could feel the emotions rolling off of him. It seemed to be a mix of emotions, quite like her own internal tangled mess. Anger was the loudest, most forceful of them all. But she could feel despair, confusion, and even regret emanating from him.

But she was tired. She wanted to be left alone. The dreams every night, every damn night, were enough to make her go insane, without the pull of the force connection.

Leave. Me. Alone. She warned, her body trembling. I mean it. She grit her teeth so hard her jaw hurt. He pushed back. No, more like punched back. She caught a fleeting vision of his fist slamming into a wall. It was gloved again. Hidden. Closed off.

Her heart stammered. She didn't have enough energy to fight off the connection, to try to remain closed to it. Beads of sweat from her mental exertion to keep him closed out of her mind were beginning to form around her hairline. It felt like the first time, when she was strapped to the interrogation chair. The first time she looked in his eyes. And saw something more than just a villain.

The door slid open with a whoosh, interrupting her thoughts. She looked up and blinked. Connix stood before her, holding out some muted green pants and a beige tunic.

The connection with Ben slammed shut. He sensed someone else's presence. Emptiness replaced the onslaught of his emotions. Rey couldn't decide which she preferred.

"Rey…" Connix said cautiously.

"Sorry," Rey's voice cracked. "Thank you, Lieutenant Connix." She grabbed the clothes quickly, avoiding Connix's eyes.

"Please, call me Kaydel."

Rey swallowed as she turned the other way to slip into the clothes. The pants were loose fitting, possibly a man's pair, but Rey didn't mind. The tunic looked like material quickly sewn together. Again, Rey didn't care.

"I hope you don't mind," Connix said, as if reading Rey's thoughts. "The pants are men's. I couldn't find much."

"They're fine." Rey wrapped a belt around her waist, pulling the waistline tighter around her. "There, see?" She looked up and gave Connix a small smile, moving her hips back and forth. "Did you make the tunic?"

"I did. Just found a few pieces of cloth. Simple stitch."

"I appreciate it." Rey pulled it over her head and immediately felt more refreshed.

Connix walked around behind her, appraising Rey. "Would you like me to do something different with your hair?"

"Oh, uh…" Rey touched her shoulder length hair awkwardly. The top half was still pulled up, but the three buns of her girlhood were gone.

"I could do a braid or a few braids. Buns like mine. I'm pretty good with various styles actually. My mother taught me when I was younger. She always had the most magnificent hair styles."

It was Rey's turn to observe the other woman. Connix was far shorter, had a sweet, round face, a rosy complexion, and by Rey's judgment, a more feminine curve to her body. Rey felt awkwardly tall and gangly in comparison. She ran her palms down the side of her pants.

"I…no. This is fine," Rey stammered. She wasn't used to being fussed over.

"Ok, well let me know if you ever change your mind. I keep mine in two buns like this for practicality. But every now and then I let it down and do something different with it." Connix smiled like she had some great secret, her cheeks flushing slightly. It made Rey curious.

"Connix, how old are you?" Rey asked bluntly.

"Please, call me Kaydel. And I'm 21. You?"

"I…umm…19." At least that's what Rey estimated. She was pretty sure that was right.

Connix smiled sweetly again and Rey tried to return the smile but it didn't feel natural after so many years of having to glare at others to ward off the predators and scumbags on Jakku. Her cheeks felt stiff and she was sure she looked silly.

"Lieutenant Connix," Poe's voice patched through on the blonde's comlink.

"Lieutenant Connix to Commander Dameron," Connix winked at Rey and turned to leave the room.

The last thing Rey heard before the door closed behind Connix was "I could use your input on something if you want to report to command."

Akiva was a humid, jungle planet. The air was sticky and stifling. On Leia's orders, Chewie gracefully flew the Millennium Falcon down into a wide cleft in the ground, plunging into darkness until he found a wide, open place to land. Leia had chosen the catacombs of Akiva, a former holding facility the Republic used, and even before that as a droid factory during the Clone Wars.

Leia lit a torch and led them through the darkness until she tapped on a wall and the stone moved, forming an entryway into the catacombs. The place hadn't been used by the Republic in decades, but there were some supplies left over and it would be sufficient for shelter for awhile at least. Leia concluded that the First Order would begin tracking down other old Rebel bases, after the stunt on Crait, and that they needed to plan their next move quickly.

Poe had set up command, Leia quietly watching him from the shadows of the catacombs. Poe put Connix his second in command. Finn would be his chief adviser on the First Order. Rose lay, recovering from the impact of her crash on Crait, her vitals steady, but her mind still unconscious.

Rey felt like an outsider looking in. She had only spent a full day and two nights on D'Qar before leaving for Ahch-To to find Luke. Most of that time she'd spent in the infirmary, by Finn's side. She didn't know anyone other than Finn and Leia, and now Connix and Poe, but all four of them were preoccupied with making plans. Rey stood awkwardly to the side during meetings. They told her to come. They wanted her input. Today she stood close to Chewie, syncing the pace of her breathing to his, finding it therapeutic.

But any true sense of belonging was a simple thread in a tapestry that wove everyone else together. She remembered Maz's words to her on Takodana. It was hard not to repeat them in her head daily, she dreamed about them every night. "The belonging you seek is not behind you, it is ahead."

But she didn't understand why that belonging was still missing then. She gave up Jakku. She gave up trying to find her parents, even before Ben had revealed what he saw about them. She had changed her clothes. She had let go of her trademark hair. She abandoned the idea of scratching lines into a wall, desperate to keep count and hold out hope. She needed to talk to Maz. She needed to understand why she still didn't feel the belonging she sought.

But you have felt a belonging, even if only fleeting; something inside of her felt like it was stroking her heart, trying to get her to remember. No, she growled internally. That belonging was a façade.

Was it?

When she had touched Ben's fingertips it had been the most glorious moment of her life, even better than when Luke had talked her through her meditation. All her senses had been heightened. Warmth pooled through her, both physically and emotionally. But Rey quickly buried that memory, turning her attention back to Poe who was currently studying a map of the galaxy and asking for suggestions for their next hideout.

"We can't just keep going from hiding place to hiding place," Finn said frustrated. "We have to take action."

"We need to rebuild our support. In numbers, in ships, in weapons," Connix replied. "And we used Leia's message to reach out to our former allies while we were on Crait. No one answered." Connix couldn't hide the anxiety and sadness in her voice. Silence followed.

Poe sighed. "Give it time. Let them see how destructive the First Order really is, then I think we'll have more support again. We can't lose hope." Poe shot a pointed look at Leia from across the room. She remained stoic, her face half hidden behind shadows.

"Rey?...Rey?"

Rey shook herself out of her daze and looked up to meet Finn's concerned eyes. He handed her a cup of steaming Gesha tea, a luxury item for the rebels now, something everyone celebrated as they found the supply in the catacombs.

"Thank you." She held the cup of tea up to her face, letting the steam warm her.

"Hey, you feeling ok?" He sat down beside her, his voice gentle and soft.

"Sorry, I just…" she couldn't finish her sentence, something inside of her held her back from revealing what she was feeling.

"So, now that we have some time, tell me, what happened with Luke? Did you complete your training?"

Rey snorted and restrained herself from rolling her eyes. Luke had taught her two lessons. The first had inspired her. The second left her confused. Jedi hubris? Failure? What she had learned from him was he had given up. On his family, on the galaxy, on himself. But she pushed her confusion aside, not wanting to sort through his lessons.

"I…did some physical training," she smiled now, remembering how effortlessly she had adapted the routine with her staff to using the lightsaber. The way she had sliced that rock had felt so satisfying, even despite Ahch-To's Caretakers' angry glares.

"And he taught me a little bit about the force. But I didn't stay for very long."

"You knew we were in trouble," Finn said, his eyes shining with pride.

"Well…yes," Rey admitted, feeling sheepish. Rey swallowed nervously, wiggling in her seat across the table from Finn.

"I went to face Snoke," Rey continued, her eyes carefully trained on Finn to read his reaction. His jaw dropped.

"You…what?!"

"It was going to happen eventually, better sooner than later."

"But…but…" Finn stammered, shock seemingly paralyzing him.

"I survived," she said resolutely, sitting up straighter. "And he's dead." She had told Leia about her encounter with Snoke, leaving out some of the more intimate details about her connection with Ben. Leia asked about the broken light saber and the story came tumbling out of Rey's mouth, faster than she could think through it. Leia had listened shrewdly and patiently, her body tense and rigid, her eyes sharp and focused.

"Was Kylo Ren there with you?" Finn's voice was husky with emotion, his eyes darkening with an intensity that frightened Rey.

"Yes." She lifted her chin.

"And?" Finn huffed.

Rey's eyes dropped to the cup of tea in front of her, now lukewarm. "He's the one who killed Snoke," she answered, her voice low and quiet.

"You can't be serious?!"

Her eyes shot back up to Finn's. "I am," she choked. The moment in Snoke's throne room came rushing back to her. The moment when she had held her breath, searching Ben's eyes as he ignited his red lightsaber in front of her; primed, ready to kill. But his eyes weren't angry as he stared back at her. In fact, it was one of the most peaceful expressions she'd ever witnessed from anyone. Then he killed his true enemy.

Finn studied her closely, his eyes calculating. "Why did he kill him?" he asked suspiciously.

"I…I don't know," she answered. Yes you do, something inside of her whispered. It wasn't the force connection with Ben, it was something within her, that same feeling that tried to remind her of when she had felt a deep sense of belonging, the same feeling that prodded her to examine her own weaknesses and shortcomings, that urged her not to give up on Ben.

"And then what happened?" Finn's voice still dark and intense.

"I escaped and came to find you guys."

"How did you escape?"

"The blast on the Supremacy knocked us both out, but I came to before he did and was able to get away."

"So…we were on the Supremacy at the same time?"

Rey nodded with large, childlike eyes. Everything seemed so surreal. Finn had told everyone how he and Rose had escaped, about his fight with Phasma. Poe had slapped him on the back, congratulating him for successfully overthrowing his number one oppressor, the commander of the Stormtroopers, the demon in Finn's past.

"Rey," Finn reached out across the table to take her hand. "I'm so glad you are safe after all of that. Kylo Ren is a monster."

"I am a monster," Kylo had told her as she stood on the cliff of Ahch-To, listening to the waves crash against the rocks, feeling the cold rain against her skin.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," she broke eye contact with Finn, looking down. She felt dizzy.

"Go rest," Finn reassured her, squeezing her hand. She nodded weakly, rising from the table.

"I suppose I wasted this precious tea."

"Not a waste," Finn shook his head. "I'll reheat it. Don't worry about it. You've got enough on your mind."

She gave Finn a small, sad smile before retreating back to her room. Her mind felt quiet and for a split second she thought about trying to reach out to Ben through the force, just to feel him. But she stopped herself.

"Rey, you should come." Poe's voice sounded urgent, but what frightened Rey even more was the look in his eyes.

And the way he held his hand out to her. For a moment she was transported back to the Supremacy and facing Ben. Ben's arm was thrust forward, his eyes pleading, his hand offering her a future. In a split second her heart felt like a rock, punching against its chamber, desperate to be free from the walls that restrained it.

"Rey," Poe repeated.

"Yes," she said calmly, her eyes focusing back on Poe again.

"It's Leia. She's sick. She's requested you to come."

A/N-Next chapter is Kylo Ren/Ben-centric :)