A Collection of Fail

Chris and Sheva happen upon Jill and Wesker...*CENSOR**CENSOR*CENSOR*CENSOR*CENSOR*

Chris could only stand there gapping as the two only continued in feverish pursuit while not acknowledging the presence of the two intruders.

Chris: "Jill…What. The. FUCK! WRONG PAIRING.!"

Wesker only stops to look at him behind his dark shades. (Yes, he even does the nasty with his shades on. Wanna fight about it?) He smirks at the pair from across the room and coolly states:

Wesker: "Actually, if you think about it, pairing the Heroine with the Villain makes for a more intriguing plotline. Though, I'm sure many fanfic writers will bitch about it; especially those Yaoi writers" *shudders*

Jill, though breathless and dripping with man sweat, nods her head in agreement at what the husky man above her said.

Jill: "He's right about that."

Chris shook his head back to reality, still having a hard time comprehending the image in front of his eyes. His voice shook with anger.

Chris: "JILL! He's a mother-f&#king psycho! Why the hell are you even considering hitting it up with him! Plus, he's like 14 years older than you."

Pause.

Wesker: "Are you insinuating that I'm old?"

Jill: "Don't be an ass, Chris."

Chris: "Okay, maybe the age gap isn't a HUGE deal but he's the VILLAN! He murdered half your friends on S.T.A.R.S. and has caused a massive amount of shit for us to deal with. FUCK, HE'S TRYING TO ERADICATE HALF OF THE POPULATION ON EARTH! DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT HE'S TRIED KILLING US OVER 9,000 TIMES!AND ANOTHER THING, WHY THE HELL ARE WE IN AFRICA!"

Awkward pause of silence.

Wesker: "….Are you insinuating that I'm racist, Chris?"

Jill: "Don't be an ass, Chris."

Chris: "I NEVER EVEN SAID THAT! Okay, back to the matter at hand. Look, I'm sure in some crazy, sadistic, RAPE-TASTIC fan fiction that your relationship would work. I still think, however, you should consider your options when it comes to a romantic relationship with the men in this series. "

Wesker:" Oh…Chris *facepalm* you'll never understand, will you? The pairing between you two borders on the mundane. It's actually quite predictable."

Chris: "AT LEAST I WON'T BEAT THE EVER LOVING CHRIST OUT OF HER!"

Jill: "The abuse adds to the suspense of the plot; enticing the reader to see how the relationship will grow from that point."

Wesker: "A good kick in the face let's a woman know her place."

Chris: "DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF!"

Sheva: *Finally speaking up* "Well, their argument is considerable. "

Chris: " Jesus Christ, Sheva, not you too!"

Sheva: *shrugs shoulders* "Hey, I'm just sayin'. Do you know the number of fanfics pair Jill x Chris, or Wesker x Chris on this site? Or even Claire x Wesker (which by the way, doesn't make much sense)"

Wesker: "Too many, in all honesty. I'd rather not lap tongues with you…or Excella for that matter."

Chris: "Well, I see how you wouldn't want to be my 'butt-buddy', as I always figured that you didn't roll like that, but the role of Excella is for you to have a sexy partner in crime. Why not date her? It makes more sense to date someone who at LEAST likes you."

Wesker: "CORRECTION. The addition of Excella to the RE series is, simply, the typical…what would you call it…"

Jill: "Whore, sir."

Wesker: "Yes, yes…right. The trollop, if you will. She's not really my type-as gorgeous as she may seem to other men. When it comes down to it, Chris …she's Italian." *Serious face*"

Chris: "WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING! THAT'S THE MOST BIASED THING I HAVE EVER HEARD!"

Excella makes an unwanted entrance from God knows where. Her face was as flawless as ever, twisted into the most HERP-DERPISH (Y'know…Herp Derp? Look it up.) expression possible.

Excella: "HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Wesker: "I'm afraid she has bit of Up-Syndrome."

Chris: "THIS WHOLE FANFIC IS SHIT!"

Jill: "Watch your mouth Chris…there are kids reading this. Don't you see the rating above^ ? It's K+, obviously."

Sheva:" Yeah, dipshit. "

Chris: "GAWD! JILL, LISTEN TO REASON! IT'S NOT YOU TALKING, HE'S CONTROLLING YOU!"

Jill: "Ummm…okay, because I obviously have the jewel still attached to my bresticle. "*sarcasm*

Sheva: "It's her body…"

Jill: "I DO WHAT I WANT!"

Chris rubs his temple in frustration, sighing heavily.

Chris: "Anymore things about GOOD fanfiction writing that you what to inform me of? Humor me, Wesker. 'Cause this fanfic is the pure definition of "well-written".

Wesker smirked.

"One key-point of what the Jill x Wesker pairing provides that others do not is the use of the metaphysical. Rather, an insight on how the bond between me and Jill takes on more than just physical interaction. We don't simply have sex. My intentions are to break her from any sense of hope whilst taking away her innocence. I, as the antagonist, feed off of her fear to assure my dominance. With Jill, she begins to question the humanity of others; which she has blatantly ignored for most of her adult life. She's learning from that experience which only someone of my position and age could provide her with."

Chris:"….."

The speechless state in which Wesker had put Chris into had pleased him. He gave a self-satisfied smirk, feeling very lofty even though he is only covered with a thin sheet wrapped around the lower half of his body.

Sheva: "So, it's like putting Hannibal and Clarice together. It just fits. "

Unwanted character making final comment of first chapter, insert here:

Irving: "HE BURNT YOUR ASS!

Okay, so I'm pretty sure that I offended someone reading this (even though it's not that bad of a fic).

*Feminists *Etc…

*Italians

*Chris-fans

*Yaoi Fangirls

This is only the beginning my friends.

I accept flames with open arms…as they make me giggle like crazy; which will probably ensue more offensive writing because I'm amazing like that.

I may not be a good writer but I will try my damndest to continue on because I hate Chris (Everyone does).

R&R I guess.