I Can't Do This
Pairing: Jane/Maura
Rating: T
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me.
A/N: This is my addition to the post Episode 3.14 story offerings. It's short and to the point and possibly redundant but writing it was my form of therapy to recover from all of the nonsense of the episode.
"Hey, What are you doing here?" Jane said, trying to keep her voice light when she found Maura sitting on her front steps.
Maura shrugged slightly. "I thought you might want some company. I'm here if you want to talk about it, or not talk about it, or for whatever you need. I even brought beer," she said, patting the case of beer sitting next to her on the stoop.
Jane held out her hand to help Maura stand and said, "Come on, let's go inside," and then bent to pick up the case of beer.
Inside her apartment, Jane collapsed on her couch. Maura moved around the kitchen, finally bringing two bottles of beer into the living room and handing one to Jane before taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch. "Would you like me to make you some dinner? Or I could order something?"
"No, I'm not hungry." Jane played with her beer bottle for awhile, finally setting it aside and saying, "Is there something wrong with me?"
"What do you mean?" Maura responded warily.
Jane sighed heavily. "Nobody wants to stick around for me. There must be something wrong with me. What is it about me that makes people leave?"
Maura was silent. Painfully silent. When Jane finally looked over at her, Maura was staring intently at her beer bottle.
"Please tell me what your thinking," Jane said.
"I...I'm not sure what to think," Maura said softly. "I hate seeing you like this. I hate seeing you beating yourself up. You haven't talked about Casey in months. And now, seeing you pining after him and doubting herself because of his issues, I simply...it's not like you at all."
"So I'm not allowed to have feelings and be upset about my love life? Have you forgotten how you were acting when Ian was here and then he left again?"
"I'm not proud of how I acted then. I got caught up in old feelings and it wasn't my finest moment. But Ian and I were previously together for almost two years. What do you really have with Casey? He didn't even tell you he was injured. You've seen him a few times and each time he makes you feel worse than the time before."
"That's not fair. We talked when he was in Afghanistan. A lot. We talked about what would happen when he came home. We made plans," Jane argued but without any passion behind the argument.
"I'm sure talking to you was helpful to Casey when he was overseas. Giving him something to focus on. But he doesn't love you. You asked me to pretend that everything is going to be fine and I can't do that. You told him you want to be with him regardless of his injury and he's choosing to have a surgery that might kill him rather than accept what you're offering him. You deserve so much more than that."
"You don't get to decide what I do and don't deserve," Jane said, practically jumping off the couch and pacing, which Maura thought was actually a vast improvement over moping on the couch.
"I know that you deserve better than someone whom you have to act like a completely different person to be with You have faced down the absolute worst society has to offer and yet you turn into this self-doubting shell of your normal self for these men who don't..." Maura took a deep breath. "I don't think I can do this," she said, slowly standing.
"You can't do what?" Jane asked, completely bewildered at Maura's outburst.
"I thought I could be a good friend and support you through what I hope will be you finally getting over Casey, but I don't know if I can because I don't even recognize you right now," Maura said, shaking her head. "The Jane Rizzoli I know wouldn't spend thirty-one and a half minutes obsessing over the things you were doing right or wrong to prove yourself to someone who has done nothing but treat you terribly. The Jane Rizzoli I love wouldn't waste her time on someone who for the past year has done nothing but string her along and treat her like...like shit."
"Maura," Jane said softly, but she didn't know what else to say.
Maura grabbed her coat from the kitchen and went to the door but she stopped and turned around and said, "You don't have to be anything other than the completely amazing, strong, confident person that you are to find someone who will love you." Then Maura left.
In the morning, after a restless night of sleep, Maura sat in her kitchen with a cup of coffee thinking about her outburst from the previous night and wondering if it was the right thing to do or if she had made a terrible mistake. Knocking on the front door roused her from these thoughts. She glanced at the clock. It wasn't even 8 o'clock yet, which meant it was probably Jane at the door.
Maura opened the door and took in the rumpled appearance of her best friend. "You look terrible."
Jane ran her fingers through her hair and mustered a smile. "Yeah, I didn't get much sleep."
"Neither did I," Maura admitted, stepping aside to allow Jane to enter. Maura closed the door and when she turned around Jane was standing right in front of her, looking intently at her. Maura stepped backwards against the door, unsure of what Jane was doing.
"I did a lot of thinking last night and I realized some things," Jane said. "Not everyone leaves me."
Maura shook her head. "No, not everyone."
"You never leave me. Even when I'm being stupid and pathetic you don't give up on me. Even when I'm being a complete ass, you don't leave me." Jane stepped forward and put a trembling hand on Maura's waist.
"No," Maura said softly, closing her eyes briefly at Jane's touch.
"You don't expect me to be anything other than who I am," Jane continued.
"No, I don't."
Jane tentatively put her other hand against Maura's cheek. "You let me believe you were upset about softball, but you weren't."
"I was a little upset about softball," Maura said, turning her cheek into Jane's hand.
"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Jane asked.
"You're the most perceptive person I know. I thought you must know. I thought you knew and that you didn't feel the same so you were not saying anything in order to let me down gently."
Jane shook her head. "I didn't know. I didn't know it was even an option. I was up all night thinking about everything you said and..." Jane trailed off, trying to find the right words to explain all the things realized during the previous night.
Maura closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to fall, suddenly wishing Jane wasn't standing so close to her. Fists balled against her sides, Maura said, "If you're going to tell me you don't feel the same way, please just do it and get it over with. Don't make me wait."
Jane waited to respond until Maura opened her eyes again. "Can I kiss you?"
Maura let out the breath she was holding and smiled, out of happiness, but mostly out of relief. "You don't have to ask permission, Jane. I will never make you beg me for anything."
Jane closed the remaining distance between them, pressing her whole body against Maura and then finally pressing her lips against Maura's. Maura's hands gripped Jane's shirt, holding Jane against her as their lips and tongues explored each other.
Jane broke the kiss and dropped her head to Maura's shoulder. "I'm so sorry for being so stupid."
Maura wrapped her arms around Jane and tangled her hands in Jane's hair. "Don't apologize. Just never act like that again. Not with me. Not with anyone."