Fear
Fear it describes many things, an emotion, a feeling a situation, it also blinds us to the truth and makes us act irrationally, later it breeds regret
Warning brief mention of suicidal thoughts if that bugs ya I suggest not reading the second flashback, Also Winry might be a bit OOC later on I'm not good at her character
He watched the Alley cat rub up against his armor, its black fur was soaked from the rain but it did nothing to wash off the guilt, pain and fear the younger boy felt.
He knew he shouldn't be sitting in the rain for too long, his blood seal could wash off if it came down hard enough.
Would it matter though, he just disowned the only living family he had left and even worse hurt him in every way possible.
No death would be a fitting punishment for a monster like him.
All because he believed more in the words of a killer than those of his own brother, the one person who never treated him carefully or looked at him strangely.
Who saw him as human through and through.
Who didn't think he could ever do wrong.
Who he had hurt and thrown away like an old doll, broken, bleeding, left to die.
What had he done?
(Yesterday Afternoon)
"Memories are just information that you can reference like a file cabinet, with your skill you could have given me any set of memories you wanted" spoke Al his voice was oddly cold and calm.
And why wouldn't it be, he just found out there was the possibility of him being nothing but a fabrication of memories, for all he knew he wasn't even the real Al just armor given the memories of a long dead brother.
But there was still a tiny part that denied his words but he wasn't listening to it, right now he couldn't bear the fear and anger beginning to rise inside him.
He saw the confused look on his brother face" fake memories? Don't tell that's what's been hurting" he sound almost relived and something just snapped inside of Al.
"Why shouldn't I be concerned? I'm beginning to forget things!" he yelled as he continued" I can't remember moms face; I can't remember how food taste or even warmth! I can barley recognize anyone back home besides Winry and Granny!" his voice was getting louder as his brother spoke up again.
"Al-"Al cut him off though.
"Back in Resembool you said you had something to tell me but you were afraid of how I'd react, you remember that don't you" the words hadn't even been out for more than a few seconds before a sort of panic looked appeared on his brothers face.
Was he right was his brother lying to him?!
"The reason I'm forgetting is because none of my memories are real! Their just things you created, my soul isn't real! Isn't that what you wanted to tell me!" he snapped at his brother.
He noticed how his brother's face had adopted a shocked almost horrified look, small form shaking from both physical exhaustion and pain both physical and emotional.
And what terrified him now as he thought back to that afternoon was that he enjoyed it, he wanted to laugh at his brother ask him why he even had the right to feel pain when he couldn't.
Winry's voice cut in "No! What Ed wanted to tell you-"she jumped out of the way as his large steel gauntlet nearly hit her.
"STOP LIEING TO ME!" couldn't they just stop!" I know the truth now, the person named Alphonse Elric never existed and even if he did once he's gone I can't be him!" that was the only two conclusion he could make in his unstable state.
Either Alphonse wasn't even a real person or he was and all Ed had done was attach the memories to this armor and if that was true than he really was a fake soul, a puppet.
Ed only got worse and Alphonse couldn't find it in him to care, he didn't care that it looked like his brother was about to collapse any moment.
He didn't care how blank or pale his brothers face had become or the way he seemed to shake, heck he could have a heart attack and he still wouldn't care.
He later found himself regretting that thought.
"That makes no sense! I've known you and Ed since we were kids, granny too! Were your friends you can trust us!" Winry was being the strong one during that nightmare, she looked at Al and despite the desperation anyone could see the deep hidden anger inside sapphire.
"Can I! How can I believe anything while I have this body! I'm a hollow shell! What should I believe my memories! All three of you could be in on this!" it was only pure will power that he didn't lash out at Winry again.
A low raspy voice broke both Winry and Alphonse's next words as they looked at Ed, he was still shaking and so was his voice as he spoke to Al" So you've been sitting on these thoughts all this time? Is there anything else your hiding?"
As he thought back he never realized in his anger how broken his brother sounded how defeated and worse frighten he seemed.
But Al hadn't cared as he snapped back" What about you my so called brother! Why won't you say anything! Unless it's true!"
Al shuddered inwardly as he remembered what he did next, what had he done!?
He began to leave when the scraping of metal against his arm made him look down to see Ed grabbing on.
"Let go of me! There's no point of me living anymore!"
He was wrong about that too, he did have a reason he was just too blind to see it.
He shook his brother off and kept going only for him to hear his brothers voice, laced with fear as he latched onto him again" Al you idiot!" he pleaded but he wasn't going to.
"Let go of me! Let me go!" he struggled against Ed's hold.
Why wouldn't he let go! Why didn't he let him leave! He knew the truth! The truth!
"Al Stop" Ed was near begging but he had to get away.
"I won't stay here!"
His next and final action against his brother played slowly in his mind, like it had when it had happened.
He didn't even think when he shoved his brother away from him, the sharp end of the steel causing a new wound as his brother hit the ground hard unclosed and healing ones reopened during the fall.
The next thing Al was seeing was his brother trying to sit up as Winry ran over to him trying to help, what caught his attention was the new cut that was bleed on his left side, the other wounds had been torn open during the fall blood fell from Ed's split bottom lip and the beginnings of a bruise were forming on his cheek.
The slightly torn mint colored shirt had started to turn red as blood ran out once again and yet through all that he managed to look at Al, no hate just utter sadness.
"Alphonse…"
He sounded so broken like glass; his body already was he didn't even seem to notice.
But his eyes, Al shuddered at the memory.
Inside he knew he had broken him and would Ed even care if he ever came back.
"Stay back" Al spoke as he watched his brother lift his broken body.
There was no denying the soul crushing agony in his eyes, how was he even standing?
"Hold on" the words were pained and forced as they left Edwards lips trying to limp over to the armored boy.
"Just stay back" he warned but Ed kept limping towards him as he finally shouted" Keep away from me!" and with that he turned, ignoring his brothers desperate cry of Al! As he jumped off the roof and onto the concrete below.
As he ran he had heard his brother's screams and shout's as he called out his name, he didn't care though he hadn't cared.
He wished he had.
(Present Moment)
Had it really been only yesterday?
To Al it felt like it had been ages ago, and no matter how much he replayed the scenario over and over again in his mind.
No matter how he thought about it there was no valid excuse besides fear for the way he had acted.
He felt shame, deep shame for believing someone who had almost killed his brother three years ago more than the one person who'd take a blade to the heart for him.
Even when said person was nearly indestructible unless if their blood seal was broken.
He remembered how he spent the day walking around mulling on his thoughts, had spent the entire night too.
Thinking and using the memories he had and he came to another conclusion.
Nobody would be ready to give up their life for a fake soul, because if he wasn't real then maybe that meant his brother really wouldn't have been able to keep his soul here and if that had happened his brother would have died that night.
From a leg lost in foolishness and an arm lost in desperation.
Ed really wouldn't have cared if he had died that night either if he hadn't come back, was something else Al realized and he knew from experience that Ed as never opposed to the idea of his own death.
Then more memories began to play, the panic at seeing Ed in a pool of blood, the monster that had once been their beautiful mother.
The endless nights of hearing his brother scream from pain and nightmares.
The small melody without words but he could always remember the tune, the lullaby of their mother.
Surely this tune wouldn't bring him comfort if their mother had been false, a fabrication of memories.
And then he remembered the day he had seen Barry the Chopper as a human for the first and final time, his brother had been ready to kill the man.
The rush of panic and pain at seeing his brother reduced to that state, the week of recovery from the trauma that only Al could help with.
And when Scar attacked them he had been ready to throw away his life for Al.
No one would trust and care about a generic soul that much, not his brother.
When Ed decided to protect or care about someone it was because he saw something in them that no one else could see. He always judged by a person's worth never by appearance after all Al wasn't exactly normal looking.
Ed had joined the military for him, had taken on all the verbal and sometimes physical abuse of being a dog of the military.
"And I pretty much told him he wasn't anything better than trash" he whispered the cat looked up at him with golden eyes.
It caused Al to flinch, golden eyes filled with agony, broken beyond repair.
He moved a large leather hand towards the cat stroking it gently, a fake soul couldn't love cats this much either.
But looking down at his steel arm just gave him another reason to feel horrified; blood was chipping off the steel and slowly being washed off by the rain.
Blood, Ed's blood, His brother's blood.
In his desperation and fragile mental state trying to get his brother off, he ended up using more force than necessary sending his brother into the air and onto the ground.
Blood had begun to pool on his shirt and trailed as he tried to walk, sitting in a pool of red.
Alphonse shuddered, he had done it the one thing he never thought he'd ever do while in this body.
"With my own hands I hurt my brother" his voice was almost cracking and downright borderline hysterical.
Dry heaving sobs echoed through his hollow frame the cat ran off, fearful of the armor that had begun to shake.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he knew no one was around but he was scared.
Another point that he was real, how could he feel such self loathing, such anger, fear and guilt if he wasn't human?
How could he so desperately want someone to hold him, to tell him everything would be okay again?
No he didn't want somebody, he wanted his brother.
He had to see his brother again; he had to tell him he didn't mean what he said, He had to fix everything!
He had to even if Winry would reduce him to scrap metal for hurting Edward like he did, he wouldn't mind he deserved it.
After all he was the monster that rose from his brother's nightmares, his brother who always blamed himself for the transmutation and Al's current state.
"Does he think I hate him now?" he didn't despite the hurt and anger he felt the day before he hadn't felt hate only indifference and pain.
He could never hate his brother, ever! He'd follow him to the ends of the earth if he had to; there wasn't anything Al wouldn't do for him.
"And he thinks I don't care anymore" what had he done.
He had to go back, he had to apologize but how could he! He had disowned his brother, he had left him alone.
Alone, that was the one thing his brother feared more than anything.
Al didn't count himself in his thoughts because to his brother being alone and losing him were one in the same.
That last look he had of his brother's face it was the look of a broken man someone who had lost any will at all to fight, to live.
And as Alphonse stood up he remembered another time his brother had looked so dead, after the transmutation a few days later when Al had asked why he was refusing to eat and sleep.
That memory couldn't be faked either, if it made his soul ache so badly.
(Four Years Ago)
"Brother you have to eat and try to sleep! If you don't you're going to die!" Alphonse nearly shouted, his voice was laced his pure terror.
The moon was the only light in the dark room as his brother's dull golden eyes looked up at Al almost painfully; there was no fire, no fight.
All that lay on those cold white sheets was a shadow of his brother.
"Why?" came Ed's raspy response, he hadn't talked much either, voice box gone unused for so long.
Al looked down at his brother" Huh?" he asked, what did he mean?
"Why should I live? I didn't need to live, you lost more than me why didn't he take more" Alphonse wasn't even sure his brother was even talking to him.
"They should have given everything to you!" his brother's voice was so broken as he shouted this.
Al didn't know how to respond to that as before he could even speak up Edward slowly turned his head towards him, he had shuddered at the dark look in his brother's eyes.
"I could die Al?" Al knew his brother wasn't all their when he spoke next" I wish I would already, then I'd get what I deserve" something broke inside of Al that night.
He never ever, thought he'd hear words like that come out of his brothers mouth, sure part of it was his emotional state but depriving himself of everything! Forcing Alphonse to watch him wither away every day!
His brother was bordering suicidal and he was going to end it now!
Did Ed really think he wanted to live in a world without him! His brother could be so stupid!
"Shut up! I can't believe you just said that Edward!" he made sure not to yell too loudly saying his brother's name meaning he was serious.
His brother stared at him wide eyed that dead dark look seemingly had left him for those few moments as Al spoke.
"Do you really think I'm even going to let you leave me alone here? You didn't give up your arm just to let yourself die and make me watch you did you!?" he asked in desperation.
"Are you going to let Winry and Granny keep hurting, are you really giving up and leaving me on my own brother!" his body was shaking hollowly with dry sobs.
Ed's expression had changed as he watched Al have his break down" you-you'd really care if I died"
How the hell could Ed even ask him that?
"Brother you idiot of course I'd care, if you did die I'd break my blood seal!" he saw Ed's eyes widen in fear.
"Did you really think I wouldn't follow you brother?" he whispered sitting down on the wooden floor" were all we have Ed if you give up I have to give up to" he admitted.
The only reason Al wasn't going crazy in his new body was because of his brother but if Ed gave up why should he keep fighting anymore, the lonely nights, the dark thoughts, the torture of watching people eat but not being able to join in.
"You can't give up Al, you just can't" his brothers voice was barely above a whisper and held unshed tears.
Brother probably hadn't thought about what I'd do if he died, I couldn't blame him in a way he had lost more than me.
If I ever told him he'd deny it.
I only lost my body but brother, he had lost more than his arm and leg I saw it in his face in the few time's he spoke.
Whatever had been left of his true carefree brother was gone; even if his brother did one day decide to live again he wasn't going to be the same.
He looked older almost; not physically of course; physically he looked so small, so frail.
"Brother maybe, maybe there's a way to get our bodies back but you have to live if we want to find out" Al didn't even know if what he said was true but THAT had gotten his brothers attention.
"Get our bodies back?" he asked.
Al nodded" maybe there is a way, remember what I told you about what that military man said" he spoke, the man Mustang they hadn't discussed it much because of Ed's current state but now.
Brother frowned" maybe it could work" and when Ed looked at Al the armored boy gasped.
He could see it his brother his real brother was still their, he wasn't all gone.
Reaching out slowly Al watched as his brother latched on to his left steel arm as best he could while off balanced and missing half his limbs.
"I'll try Al I promise brother" the rarely used word erased any doubts from Al's mind his brother wasn't going to give up, not yet.
"And I promise too, I'll keep going to" and for the first time in days his older brother finally found sleep in his brothers arms.
Al couldn't help the wave of protectiveness that flowed through him, what they were looking for wasn't going to be easy to obtain but he knew he'd never let his brother ever hurt himself or let him hurt this badly again.
(Present Day)
But he had hurt him again, that memory was one of the few good ones during their time after the transmutation.
He always made sure brother took care of himself, reminded him when to eat, forced him to go to bed, would literally drag him to a hospital if his injuries couldn't be fixed by his own hand.
Al looked at the rain soaked street, hardly a soul in sight.
He had been walking while the memory played through his mind heading back to his brother; he wished he hadn't ended the memory as he now realized how close he was to the hospital.
How close he was to where it all began and ended.
He was afraid of facing his brother.
But looking at the large building he felt something constrict near the place where his heart would have been, placing a leather gauntlet over his chest plate he steadied himself as he also remembered that Ed wasn't the only person he had to apologize to.
If Winry's reflexes' weren't so quick Al would how injured her instead even if accidently.
Inhaling a breath that he didn't need and brought no air he steeled himself as he walked through the front door.
He didn't know what to expect but chaos in the waiting room was the last thing he had even thought of.
Winry, Maria Ross and Denny Brosh were their backs turned to him as the very familiar muscular form of Major Armstrong.
The four seemed to be speaking as a few soldiers Al didn't recognize seemed to be asking the nurses questions and even recognized the dark haired doctor that was in charge of his brother.
His armor clanked loudly as some of his joints had begun to rust during his night and most of the afternoon out in the rain.
The four solders and Winry stopped their conversation as they turn towards Al.
He didn't know what he was expecting but before anyone could react he found himself on the ground, the only reason his helmet hadn't flown off was because he had grabbed it landing on his steel back.
Winry's wrench lay a few feet away as she stalked over to him face red but not crying, though dried up tear tracks gave him the impression she had awhile ago.
"ALPHONSE ELRIC YOU IDIOT!" the waiting room seemed to go silent as before Winry could continue Armstrong had stepped in placing a large hand on Winry's slight frame.
"Ms. Rockbell while your anger is understandable now is not the time" the major seemed frightening serious
Alphonse had no idea what was going on or why he was getting looks from the four varying from sadness, shock to anger, mostly from Winry.
"M-major what's going on?" he had a feeling he wouldn't like the answer.
And he was right.
"Edward snuck out of the hospital the night before, in his current condition his very life could be at risk" Al froze as the words left the man's lips.
He didn't need to know the 'why' he knew why his brother had run, he was looking for him.
And if he was just as hurt as he had been when he left him and with the cold, rain and not even counting his automail and mental state.
They had to find him" we have to find him!" he saw Winry's anger turn to hurt when she heard the tears in his voice.
She must have realized why he came back.
Apparently they'd been searching for both of them since morning but now that Al himself was okay and located.
And now that everything had begun to sink in along with the 'what ifs?' Of what could happen to his brother out there in the current elements.
Hysterical wasn't even close to the way he began to plead to help search for his brother, apparently Winry hadn't told them about their fight and he couldn't help but be thankful for that.
But as Al stepped outside a metal tap against his side made him look down and for a moment he thought it had been his brother but it was Winry umbrella held over her head.
"I'm going with you and if you even-"Al cut off her angry rant.
"If something happens to him you can do everything your thinking of doing right now Winry" he turned his head away" I'd deserve it" he began to move not looking back as a few minutes later he was joined by Winry once again.
He was aware of the stares she kept giving him and he remembered he had hurt her to not just his brother; it was just that Ed was always the first person on his mind.
"You were right" he muttered.
Winry gave him a confused and somewhat angered look" what are you talking about Al" he tried not to wince at her bitter use of his name.
"About what I said to you and for hurting you" as they walked down a quite road looking at a few alleyways or any signs of his brother.
Like blood
He didn't have to wait long for an answer" you didn't hurt me Al" Al knew what she meant in her phrasing to.
"Yes I did, I didn't just hurt brother I hurt you to I pretty much said you weren't my friend" they had stopped at a turn corner" I pretty much said you weren't my big sister" Winry blinked at that one.
He may have had a crush on Winry once but that had just been puppy love, over the years before and after their mother died he really had begun to see Winry as sort of a big sister even if she was as tough as any boy.
Soft sniffles caught his attention as he looked at Winry and panicked, tears were falling from her eyes as she tried to rub them away" W-winry I'm sorry I didn't mean" another tap to his armor stopped him.
"Al you dummy" the pale blond said as she smiled at him.
Al felt what would have been breathe hitching at Winry's smiling face, had she really forgiven him?
"You and Edward both, can't you ever make anything easy" she grumbled and Al felt a small chuckle leave him before his thoughts turned again.
His brother, they had to find him, it was only going to get colder the later it got.
"I'm glad then, but we have to find brother" his voice cracked at the end of his sentence as they began their search again Winry spoke up again.
"Al why did you?-"
"It was stupid and-"
"Telling me and Ed all that isn't something stupid Al" as the girl looked at the streets seeing no one she gave Al a quick glance before speaking" you and Ed never tell me anything can you at least tell me why you did what you did?" he was following winry the girl hadn't turned back as she kept on the alert.
It was true he and his brother didn't tell Winry anything about their going on's, it was because they didn't want her to get hurt or in his older brothers case he didn't want to see her cry.
It's not like it ever worked, she worried about the constantly and after his outburst there was no way out of her questioning and hadn't he just called her his older sister?
So he told her not everything he didn't tell her about the homunculi or the ingredients to the stone or Scar or how his brother got hurt he just told her about his fight with Barry.
H hadn't missed the shaking of her slight form the old horror show up behind her sapphire blue eyes; it had been a traumatic experience for her to.
Surprisingly she didn't call him a dummy again or hit him with the wrench that seemed to materialize out of nowhere.
"He said a lot of things to Ed to when he caught us, I've never seen him so scared" he watched as she hugged her right arm around herself the umbrella shaking in her left.
Al tilted his head as she continued" it wasn't your fault Al, he had a way to get into people's heads" her voice was trembling and Alphonse wished he hadn't brought it up.
If his brother had nearly shut off on him after the incident how worse of had Winry been, especially with what she knew would have happened to her if he hadn't shown up with the military.
But Al shook his head" he got into my head but I'm the one who said all that to brother, it is my fault" nothing more was said between them as they continued their search.
Not at all aware of the scene they were about to stumble on and once again Al wished he hadn't believe someone else's words especially an enemies words so easily.
This will have two or three more chapters I always loved episode 23 and had several ideas for it, and so this story was born.
The flashback was of my own creation, I always thought Ed might have been a little broken in the head for awhile I know I wouldn't if I had seen an done everything he had.
The characters may be OOC but I try till next time