Big Trouble in Little Nottingham
act one
scene one
FRIAR PUCK:
Gentles, perchance you wonder at this show,
but wonder on, till truth make all things plain.
You are honored, if you be lad or lass
for I, as Friar Puck, am cast.
He is unkind, Aladdin; be not so;
For he does not love Jasmine; this you know I know:
And here, with all good will, with all his heart,
In Marian's love Robin yields up his part;
And him of Robin to Marian bequeath,
Whom she does love and will do till her death.
This devil here, Sheriff of Nottingham, shall want his way
For that King Richard, whom he now wants dead,
In face, a scheme he hath made to be rid of his king.
On his hand, he has much help in this plan,
An Assassin and a Tiger are to assist the evil of this man.
Not a soul of human but Genie this be.
It has felt wit of a joker and play'd
some tricks for its own enjoyment.
It has hair of yellow, but like reeds, not hair.
Either I mistake their shape and making quite,
Or else these are the shrewd and knavish cheats
Call'd Will and John! are not they them?
That fright the maidens and loot the villagery;
They that hobnob with the hob gobs,
They do their work, yet have no luck:
Are not they Will and John?
I believe it so.
I now give you the play
and the players brave attempt.
act one
scene two
MAID MARIAN and JASMINE are looking at jewelry and clothing.
FRIAR PUCK is selling them stuff.
JASMINE: O Spite! I have loved Aladdin for so long but not a word or a whisper in the name of romance has come between us.
MAID MARIAN: And I wish, hope and pray for my dear Robin Hood. Yet I do not get the love that I dream of.
JASMINE & MAID MARIAN let out a huge girlie sigh.
ROBIN HOOD enters from left.
ALADDIN enters from right.
JASMINE: Look! Robin comes from the east and Aladdin comes from the west!
JASMINE & MAID MARIAN freeze.
ALADDIN: In the distance I see my true love, Maid Marian.
ROBIN HOOD: I see lovely Maid Marin. How I do love her.
ALADDIN: I have waited to be with her for so long.
ROBIN HOOD: How beautiful she looks today. I wish she would choose to love me as I love her.
ALADDIN: Shall I come out and tell her? I feel I have waited long enough!
ROBIN HOOD: I wish to tell her of my love! I have stayed in the dark too long! How can I live in the dark any longer? She is my light, guiding my way.
ROBIN HOOD & ALADDIN: (while running towards both girls with arms outstretched) Maid Marian! I love you!
JASMINE: No fair!
ALADDIN: What?!?!
ROBIN HOOD: How could you?!?!
ROBIN HOOD & ALADDIN start fighting
JASMINE starts crying.
FRIAR PUCK is making faces.
JASMINE, FRIAR PUCK, ROBIN HOOD & ALADDIN freeze.
MAID MARIAN: This is awkward.
JASMINE, ROBIN HOOD & ALADDIN unfreeze.
MAID MARIAN comforts JASMINE, who runs away, crying.
ROBIN HOOD gets pushed off stage and ALADDIN runs after. (stunt double?)
FRIAR PUCK exits following them.
MAID MARIAN: I am amazed, and know not what to say.
act one
scene three
MAID MARIAN is walking in the court yard and is talking to herself.
FRIAR PUCK is trimming a hedge.
MAID MARIAN: For so long I dreamed of the love of my dear Robin. My dream came true! Yet, at the same time my dream did die for in the moment that was meant for joy, a foul thing did happen. The dweeb Aladdin swore his love to me as well. O spite! Wherefore was I to this keen mockery born?
MAID MARIAN: But I hear a voice! Now will I to a hiding place to see who it might be without being seen!
SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM & ASSASSIN enter
SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM: It is a wonderfully planned plan. All you need to do is kill my brother, Richard. I call it the death tax. Think of the money we will get!
ASSASSIN: It will be done, Sheriff of Nottingham.
ASSASSIN Exits
MAID MARIAN(to herself): It is a plot to kill the king!
SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM (jumping out at her): Yes! It is!
MAID MARIAN screams and runs away.
FRIAR PUCK: How they move against a sea of troubles.
act two
scene one
MAID MARIAN is walking in the court yard.
MAID MARIAN: I am full of sad thoughts and troubles.
JASMINE enters
JASMINE: Foul fiend!
MAID MARIAN: These foul words are but foul wind, and foul wind is but
foul breath, and foul breath is noisome. I pray thee, what is on thy mind good friend?
JASMINE: Shall I speak a word in your ear?
MAID MARIAN: God bless me from a challenge!
JASMINE: You are a villain; I jest not:
I will make it good how you dare, with what you dare, and when you dare. Do me right, or I will protest your cowardice.
You have killed me, Maid, and my death shall fall heavy on you.
Let me hear from you.
MAID MARIAN: swords!
MAID MARIAN & JASMINE start fencing.
ASSASSIN enters and attacks MAID MARIAN
MAID MARIAN: Do stop this fight between us good friends!
Please let us make amends.
JASMINE: I will help you in your fight but all is not over! This fight will be continued!
ASSASSIN throws net over girls and they all leave
MAID MARIAN & JASMINE: O, spite!
act two
scene two
ASSASSIN MAID MARIAN & JASMINE enter room with lot of cool stuff.
JASMINE reaches out to touch something.
ASSASSIN: Don't touch anything. You, (points to MAID MARIAN) come.
JASMINE picks up skull.
JASMINE: To be, or not to be. That is the-
ASSASSIN (poking head out): Don't touch anything.
JASMINE pouts then picks up a lamp.
JASMINE: It says "rub me"
JASMINE rubs the lamp and GENIE appears.
GENIE: Hi lady. I am Genie. You get one wish.
JASMINE(in shock)Cool! I wish that Marian would not get both Robin's and Aladdin's attention.
GENIE: The task is done. May I go?
JASMINE: Yes, for now.
GENIE grabs lamp and disappears.
JASMINE: She took the lamp!
act two
scene three
FRIAR PUCK:
With the costly loss of lamp and man
she, Jasmine like a heartbroken lion, now gives
the the challenge of death to Maid Marian.
The poor Maid has heard it said
and witnessed it plotted and knows
of a scheme to kill the king.
Jasmine wished for love by magic.
Alone she was, and did not communicate
to herself her own words to her own ears
For fear of Marian's rather large mouth,
The Sheriff took the lass to be rid of his fears.
ALADDIN & ROBIN HOOD are presenting a case to KING RICHARD. Both are bruised from fight.
FRIAR PUCK is holding a pole.
KING RICHARD: You both say you love Jasmine. Is this a mockery? Last I heard you both where fighting over Maid Marian.
ROBIN HOOD: I kid you not my lord. My eyes have opens, Jasmine is the one I truly love. Though I do think that my "friend" Aladdin is keen on mocking my change of heart and he is set about an act.
ALADDIN: I is not true my lord! He is the one who is mocking me!
ROBIN HOOD: You wanna take this outside Fez-boy?
ALADDIN: You have no right to call me such!
KING RICHARD: Enough! You two are squabbling like small children! Now it has come to my attention that Maid Marian and Jasmine have been taken captive. You will settle this with a bet, whoever rescues Jasmine first wins her heart and runner up gets Maid Marian.
ROBIN HOOD & ALADDIN: Agreed!
ALADDIN & ROBIN HOOD shake hands
RAJA walks up
RAJA: This is not going to work, just you watch.
ALL except ROBIN HOOD leave the stage
ROBIN: This will be so easy, But cheating never hurt none.
LAMP BOX comes rolling out with GENIE'S feet feet sticking out of the end pushing it.
LAMP BOX hits ROBIN HOOD.
ROBIN: Whats this? It says... "rub me"
ROBIN ruuuuubs the lamp.
GENIE stands out of box
GENIE: And thats when... who? What? Where? Huh? Oh, wait a sec.
GENIE clears throat and speaks in booming voice.
GENIE:MORTAL YOU HAVE RUBBED MY LAMP AND I AM NOW FORCED TO GRANT YOU TWO WISHES!
ROBIN(In shock): Oh... I don't get it.
GENIE: Its simple, you rub lamp, i give you wishes.
ROBIN: Is it not three wishes?
GENIE: I let someone else have the first.
ROBIN: OK. For my wish i wish that... Aladdin will fail in rescuing Jasmine.
GENIE: Done!
ROBIN: YAY!
ROBIN runs away.
ALADDIN enters
GENIE: Well I can have fun with this.
ALADDIN(fast): wow wow wow wow wow! You are genie and ! get three wishes ya?
GENIE: I are genie and you get one wish ya? I gave the first two to... other people.
Bada bing bada boom make the wish already.
ALADDIN: I wish that Robbin would fail in saving Jasmine!
GENIE: Done!
ALADDIN: Jasmine will be mine!
ALADDIN runs off stage.
GENIE: I see a kind of connection here. Well, not my problem.
GENIE takes lamp box and exits.
act three
scene one
RAJA is hiding
SHERIFF enters with ROBIN HOOD following
SHERIFF: I tell you for the umteenth time, I will not release the girls!
ROBIN: What if I say please?
SHERIFF: I would tell you no, but very politely.
ROBIN: Then I shall-
ASSASSIN enters ROBBIN starts pulling out bow and arrows GENIE enters and blows sparkles on ROBBIN then exits.
ASSASSIN: Uh, boss?
SHERIFF: Yes?
ROBIN finds that arrows are rubber and bow is broken. He drops them and reaches for pouch
ASSASSIN: What do you want me to do with those girls? Torture them?
ROBIN finds rubber duck in pouch and reaches for sword ands starts tugging at it.
SHERIFF: No, no. Just make them extremely uncomfortable.
ASSASSIN: Hang them by their toes?
ROBIN: Gets handle out to find long scarf. He starts pulling at it
SHERIFF: Something like that, its your job to think of these things.
ASSASSIN leaves.
SHERIFF: It is so hard to find good help these days. I blame the new fangled music.
ROBIN: That was very distracting! Where was I? Ah yes, I shall...
ROBIN looks down at scarf half pulled out of sword scabbard.
ROBIN (pulling it out) : umm... one sec... almost got it.
SHERIFF hits ROBIN over head with sword handle.
SHERIFF: what a waste of time.
ALADDIN runs out.
ALADDIN: Sheriff! I demand that you release my loved one, Jasmine!
SHERIFF: Don't you love Marian?
ALADDIN: Who?
SHERIFF: Never mind. Your answer is no.
GENIE enters, blows sparkles on ALADDIN, and leaves.
ALADDIN: Then I shall-
ALADDIN pulls out sword and finds it is a rubber chicken.
SHERIFF: What are you going to do cook me dinner?
ALADDIN: Unlike my friend over there, I am more competent in combat.
SHERIFF: Then bring it on, with salt and pepper please, and a side of broccoli.
ALADDIN drops chicken and jumps at SHERIFF but trips over ROBINS things and falls.
SHERIFF: He didn't even last as long as Robin.
SHERIFF and ASSASSIN drag ROBIN and ALADDIN off stage.
RAJA enters.
RAJA: This is insane! I am going to get professionals.
RAJA leaves.
act three
scene two
Table and two chairs are brought on.
JOHN and WILL sit with their feet up on the table.
Knocking sound comes from backstage.
JOHN: You get it.
WILL: I don't want to.
JOHN: I'm the boss, you get it!
WILL: I'm too lazy.
Knocking sound louder.
JOHN: Come on, go get it.
WILL: I'm still thinking about the fact that he has not used the door bell.
JOHN: Maybe he is to lazy. If you don't go get it I will cut your pay.
WILL: What pay?
JOHN: The pay we get next time we jack something.
WILL: Then I will cut your pay.
JOHN: You can't cut my pay, you can't even tie your shoes!
WILL: You leave my shoes out of this!
JOHN: What do we do? Just call out to whoever is at the door that they can come in?
RAJA enters
RAJA: Don't mind if I do.
JOHN: Will?
WILL: Yah?
JOHN: Lets never have anchovy and peanut butter pizza before bed ever again. I think I am seeing things.
WILL: OK, but when I hallucinate, I usually see my dream life when I am swimming in a lake of root beer.
RAJA: If you two are done, I should very much like to persevere the controversy.
JOHN: ...What?
RAJA: Can you not distinguish English?
WILL: Yah, but what you said was clearly not English.
RAJA: I prefer to use words that are legalistically impeccable.
WILL: This is a learned tiger.
JOHN: Anyway- you came here for something, so what's up?
RAJA: Two vulnerable damsels have been apprehended by the Sheriff of Nottingham quite against their will and for no justifiable cause.
JOHN: Umm, could I have that in English?
RAJA: Two girls have been taken by the Sheriff.
JOHN: Oh! The sheriff! Why didn't you say so?
JOHN and WILL stand up.
JOHN: Come on Will, lets go Hobnob with the Hob Gobs.
WILL: Huh?
JOHN: Lets go get the Sheriff.
WILL: Oh, right behind you will.
WILL and JOHN start walking
RAJA: The door is over here.
WILL and JOHN: We knew that.
All exit
act three
scene three
WILL and JOHN are walking with RAJA behind.
ASSASSIN is behind RAJA.
WILL: Hey, John, look at this!
JOHN: Wow, those are big rabbit footprints.
WILL: Rabbit! Those are from the feet of a moose!
ASSASSIN jumps in front of RAJA and waves thing on a string.
ASSASSIN: When you hear the word "monkey" you will attack Will and John.
ASSASSIN exits
JOHN: Bad news Raja, we found tiger footprints, we have been going around in circles.
RAJA: I know a short cut, follow me.
ALL exit.
act three
scene four
SHERIFF: I have never had such a headache! Those two girls are more stubborn then a mules and more noisome than a pack of jackals before dinner when it comes to complaining.
ASSASSIN: Agreed!
JOHN: Hey Abbott!
SHERIFF: I hate that guy.
WILL: Hate is such a harsh word. I sense you have issues- would you like to talk them out?
SHERIFF: No, my issues are my own, and I have no issues.
WILL(fake British accent): Guess what? That tiger gave us grammar lessons on the way here . Now we both have ludicrously intellectual vocabularies.
ASSASSIN: Am I the only one that did not get that last bit?
SHERIFF: No, I'm on the same page as you.
JOHN(fake British accent): Remand those two fair maidens from their servility.
SHERIFF: Okay, I understood that, and the answer is still no.
JOHN: Then we will have to go monkey on you.
WILL(fake British accent): that is not proper grammar!
JOHN: Oh, give it a rest, Will.
WILL: Right.
RAJA (hearing the word monkey) jumps at WILL and JOHN.
WILL and JOHN: (Enter huge girlie scream here)
JOHN and will run and get away.
WILL: Bad tiger! Bad! No treat for you! Bad!
RAJA: How dare you speak to me as if I am an animal!
JOHN: Whoa, you're actually evil?
RAJA: Indeed!
WILL: Didn't see that coming!
JOHN: Gee, ya think!
RAJA: Now face your inevitable doom!
WILL: You lying monkey!
RAJA: ...Huh?
RAJA falls down.
JOHN: What did we do?
SHERIFF: Now the teams are even, two on two.
SHERIFF pushes assassin forward.
SHERIFF: Attack them!.
ASSASSIN does crazy martial arts moves and makes funny noises
JOHN bends down behind ASSASSIN and WILL pushes ASSASSIN down(onto rubber mat)
WILL gets up.
WILL: There is such a thing as overdoing it.
SHERIFF: You killed my Assassin!
JOHN: No, she is just taking a little nap.
SHERIFF: Now, you have made me play my hand in this fight, you will soon regret everything! Thumb war!
WILL and SHERIFF square off to play thumb wars.
WILL and SHERIFF together: One, two three, four, a deadly, dangerous thumb war!
WILL: (Pointing to something behind Sheriff) Whats that?
WILL pins SHERIFFS thumb when he is not looking.
WILL: HA! Victory!
SHERIFF: No fair! You cheated!
JOHN: That, we won't even try to deny.
WILL: We're thieves, it the kind of thing we do.
SHERIFF: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!
Thus die I, thus, thus, thus.
Now am I dead,
Now am I fled;
My soul is in the sky:
Tongue, lose thy light;
Moon take thy flight:
Now die, die, die, die, die.
JOHN: No die, but an ace, for him; for he is but one.
WILL: Now to rescue the maids.
JOHN: Maids? I thought they where princesses!
WILL: Is there a difference?
JOHN: I think so... anyway, it should be easy now that the Sheriff is gone.
WILL: Yes sir.
JOHN and WILL walk in place.
Bodies are dragged off stage
JASMINE and MAID MARIAN are pushed on stage on a little board with wheels.
JOHN and WILL stop cart.
JASMINE: I spy with my little eye something that begins with "P".
MAID MARIAN: Pliers?
JASMINE: No, pinchers!
MAID MARIAN: But pinchers is just another word for pliers!
JOHN: Hello Ladies!
WILL unlocks chains and all leave.
act three
scene five
KING RICHARD, ROBBIN HOOD, ALADDIN, MAID MARIAN, JASMINE, FIRAR PUCK, LITTLE JOHN, WILL SCARLET and RAJA are in throne room.
KING RICHARD: I am sorry, but Robin Hood and Aladdin could not rescue Jasmine, ergo neither of you may not have the love of Jasmine.
John and Will, both of you rightfully win her heart. You also win a large sum of money for Maid Marian has told me the Sheriff plotted to kill me for my money.
JOHN: Sweet!
WILL: But we don't need the Jasmine chick.
KING RICHARD: Then the dispute over Jasmine continues.
FRIAR PUCK laughs and waves hand in front of ROBIN HOOD.
ROBIN HOOD: But I love Maid Marian!
MAID MARIAN Sighs and faints.
JASMINE Catches her.
JASMINE(to Robin): I'm glad you got that worked out.
ALADDIN: My love!
FRIAR PUCK:
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon, we will mend:
Else the Friar Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
The End