Hey y'all. So I've been working on this since the first part of the finale aired but now that the second part has I'm adding it to this. I'm writing this because I wish this was addressed in the finale but I feel like it won't be til Christmas so here it is y'all.
Disclaimer: I own none of this yadda yadda.
Here goes!
Just say it, she thought to herself, as she couldn't help but yawn for the third time at morning assembly. She felt Danny's concerned look but shook her head, letting him know that she's alright.
-DW-
Just say it, she told herself as she barely kept her lunch down. Danny was sat next to her and noticed, but didn't say anything. Clara tried to eat her lunch without getting sick, but ending up just drinking two cups of tea instead.
-DW-
Just say it, her mind screamed when she walked out of the building at the end of the day and chatted with Danny.
"You alright?" Danny asked. "You've been weird all day."
"Yeah, I'm fine," Clara lied. "Just a bit under the weather. Just one of those days. I'll be fine tomorrow."
"Alright," Danny said, in a tone that showed he didn't believe her but he trusted her to handle it herself. "Are we still on for our date tomorrow? Because if you're not feeling up to it-."
"No, we're good," Clara said. "The restaurant we had our first date at, lunch reservations for two. I'm so on board with that."
Danny grinned. "Alright, see you then."
They had walked to Danny's car and he ducked behind it and kissed Clara.
"Danny!" she scolded playfully. "We have to be careful! We're still at work, everyone will see that we're…close."
"What's wrong with that?"
Clara sighed. "Nothing, I guess…"
Danny laughed. "Don't get too excited."
"Sorry," Clara said. "I love you, Danny Pink. I don't care who knows it."
Danny grinned. "I love you too."
-DW-
Just say it, she commanded herself as she answered her phone.
"Hey, what's up?" she asked as she stood in the unfamiliar aisle.
"Just checking in on you."
"I'm at the chemist now," Clara replied.
"Oh you're getting some medicine?" Danny asked. "That's good."
"Yeah, something like that," she replied, losing her resolve.
"Okay," Danny said. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Nope." Clara paused, collecting herself. "Actually, instead of lunch tomorrow, why don't you just come over? We can talk."
"Do we need to talk?" Danny asked.
Clara looked at the box in her hand. "Yeah," she said, flipping it over and looking at the back. "We do."
"Alright, see you then."
-DW-
I'll just say it when he gets here, Clara reassured herself. She paced up and down her hallway, glancing at the timer she had set on her phone.
The timer went off and she froze. She took a few deep breaths then assumed a confident demeanor, then walked bravely into her bathroom. She looked at the items she had laid out on the sink.
She paused and then took a step back. She found herself just staring into space. She tried to do something. She sat briefly on the couch then got up, realizing that she couldn't sit just there. She went over to her bookshelf and looked at the pictures she had there. There was a picture of her dad holding her when she was a baby. There was a picture of Danny, grinning in a Sherlock Holmes-esque hat.
Clara's breath hitched. She immediately reached for a marker and post-it notes. She wrote frantically, posting the noted all over her bookshelf.
It was time to come clean, she decided. Now, more than ever, was the time she needed to come clean.
She loved Danny Pink. Then, more than ever, more than she previously believed possible, she loved Danny Pink. She wanted everything with him and knew that to have that, she needed to be honest.
Fear be damned, she needed to say it. No matter how scared she was, of saying it, of believing it, of living it out, Danny Pink needed to know that he was loved by Clara Oswald more than anyone or anything in the universe. Danny Pink needed to know everything Clara needed to just say.
The wall of post-its had everything written out that Danny needed to know. Everything but one thing, one thing Clara couldn't yet bring herself to write.
-DW-
"Just say it," she said to herself, standing back from the bookshelf and looking at her notes. "Call him and say it."
She pulled out her phone and called Danny. Her heart was pounding in her ears and Danny wanted to make small talk. She quieted him, knowing that if she didn't say it soon she never would.
"I love you," she said, taking a bigger step toward honesty than she ever had before.
"I love you, too," Danny said, like it was obvious.
"No, not like that," Clara said. "Not like it's automatic, the way you end the phone call, the sign off, the pat on the back."
"Clara-."
"Danny I will never say these words again," Clara said. "Not to anybody else, ever. These words, from me, are yours now."
She was a combination of relieved and more terrified. She was relieved to have said it, starting a conversation that there was no going back from. She didn't want to go back.
The terror came from Danny's lack of a reply. She playfully pleaded for a reply, then confusion set in when she heard a woman's voice.
Clara's heart pounded harder as she spoke to the woman; she was nervous but it was fine. Danny had just dropped the phone, he'd be back on in a second. It was fine.
Then the realization hit and Clara's heart stopped.
She dropped her phone and took off in a sprint. She ran out of her flat, not caring if the door was locked or even closed. She ran down the familiar course to Danny's flat, knowing the route he would walk from his place to hers. A few blocks from her home she came across the ambulance and the police. There was a crowd gathered around.
"Danny," she said softly. "Danny!" she called louder, searching the crowd for Danny. She didn't find him until she turned her attention toward the ground.
-DW-
Just say it, Clara thought as she spoke with her grandmother. But she knew that she'd never say it. Things were different. Clara's gran was always the person she felt most comfortable with, she always felt like she could talk about anything with her. But now she felt like no words she'd ever say would be enough to make things better. She looked around and didn't see someone to talk to, she just saw someone who wouldn't understand. She didn't see her home, she saw a strange place overtaken by the pity of others.
Clara's apartment had rapidly filled with flowers. She didn't remember who sent them. Her fridge was full of food, but she didn't remember who cooked what. She didn't remember anything, didn't feel anything. All she felt was owed.
Then the Doctor called.
-DW-
Just say it, her brain reminds her. She ignores it and hatches a plan. Talking wouldn't fix anything. Asking nicely won't bring Danny back and there is nothing Clara won't do to get him back. She needs him back.
-DW-
Just say it, Clara thinks, standing in the TARDIS, broken, as the Doctor picks up the keys off the ground. She's a wrecking ball now, an exploding cigar. By her own design she's incapable of destroying herself without some very personal casualties.
She meant it when she said she wouldn't apologize. She's not going to. She doesn't owe the Doctor an apology but an explanation? Maybe.
So just say it.
"I love him," she offers. It's close but it's not enough.
She can't say it, she can't admit it. She's too broken and too terrified and too sad to admit it.
"You're quite the mess of chemicals," the Doctor says later after scanning her with his sonic.
And so he knows. He saves her from saying it, from having to acknowledge it.
She is owed. The feeling of being owed persists still. The Doctor owes her. He showed her a future, a future in which Orson Pink exists. Clara took this to mean that everything with her and Danny would end up alright and now….
Maybe she took it for granted. Maybe she misunderstood. Maybe she chose to see the happiest option, the one she wants most, and ignored all the others.
Orson Pink can still happen. But Clara doesn't know if she wants it without Danny with her.
-DW-
Just say it, she repeats in her head.
The Doctor told her to be strong, but she doesn't know how. She's talking to Danny, which she never thought she'd do again. He's shutting her out, refusing to let her help him.
Clara's mind is screaming for her to tell him. It's screaming for Danny to reveal himself, to prove he's really him, so Clara can tell him. Clara's heart is breaking with the realization that she's missed her chance to say it. Saying it now would hurt Danny and herself so much more than if she said it before.
Danny's made his choice. He wants to stay dead and he won't let Clara come for him. That choice is Danny's to make. She can't change it, even though she desperately wants to.
Danny says he loves her and Clara turns the machine off. She's got not time to sulk or even think about what she's just done since the Cyberman in the room is now trying to kill her.
Thinking quick on her feet, Clara convinces the Cyberman that she is the Doctor. She knows everything about him, more than the Cybermen possible could.
Then another Cyberman shows up. This one knows more about Clara than the others. She tried to keep up the façade of being the Doctor but that Cyberman knocks her out.
She wakes up in a cemetery. Time seems to be moving too fast. Clara's heart is pounding in her chest, echoing in her ears. She sees Danny and can't believe it.
She realizes what Danny is asking of her, and she understands the gravity of the situation.
She wants to say it. She wants Danny back. It is too painful to see him at all, let alone see him being transformed into a Cyberman. She knows she's losing Danny. She knows that there's no going back. He's going to be gone forever, and she'll never tell him.
Danny Pink will never know how much he was loved by Clara Oswald.
Danny Pink will never know his child, and will never know that his child even exists.
But Clara Oswald will be sure that her child, their child, knows who Danny Pink was. Their child will be sure to know that Danny Pink saved humanity from Cybermen and the Master. Their child will know that their father was a great man, a man who was more loved and worthy of love than words can express.
So Clara Oswald let Danny Pink go. She lets him save humanity and lets him go without the knowledge that he was everything to her. She lets him go without knowing about his child. She keeps the pain of knowing this to herself, and its more pain than she can bear, but it's better to keep it to herself than to make Danny feel it too.
-DW-
Just say it, her mind is screaming. It's the middle of the night and her mind is begging her mouth to form the words that will bring Danny Pink home.
The mysterious form on the wall lights up the whole hallway and Clara begs Danny to come home.
"Just one trip," Danny says. "Just one trip, one person."
She wants to say whatever she can to bring him home, but it's too late for that. She doesn't beg anymore. Danny Pink died a hero. She can't take that away from him. She can't stop him from righting what he considers the worst thing he's ever done.
Her heart breaks as the young boy emerges from the form on the wall. She accepts Danny's decision. There's nothing she can do about it. Her heart breaks more and she's exhausted. She's had such strong hope that Danny would come back, but Danny Pink is a better man than that.
Clara feels a strange mix of absolute pride and absolute despair. She knows in that moment that she will never be over the death of Danny Pink. She also knows in that moment that Danny Pink was an extraordinary man, a man who'd go to great lengths to make things better for the people he has wronged. Danny Pink was an exceptional man. Perhaps he was more than Clara deserved.
-DW-
Just say it, she orders herself, and she feels more close to admitting it than she has in a while.
"I see you've got news for me," the Doctor says.
"News?" she asks. She has so much to admit. But she feels ready. For the first time, she feels ready to admit everything, to come absolutely clean. It's too late to do that in a lot of ways, but it's all she can do. She can be honest with her best friend.
Then he brings up Danny, and she can't do it. She can't admit it.
"Listen, Doctor, there's something I have to tell you and it's…it's not good news."
"I know," he replies.
Her head snaps up. "Sorry?"
He continues. He gives her an out. He tells her that he understands that she's with Danny and she doesn't want to travel anymore. He tells her it's fine.
"It's not fine," she says. "It really isn't…fine." She looks him in the eye. She's going to do it. She's going to tell him. She's going to come clean and be honest and explain why it isn't fine and why she isn't sure that things will ever be fine again. She's going to admit that she has no idea what she's meant to do and that she's terrified and yeah maybe she doesn't want to travel anymore but she still needs her best friend because she is going through the hardest thing she has ever been through and she genuinely doesn't know if or how she'll make it out okay.
Then he says he's found Gallifrey and she buries all of it.
He's found his home. Clara has never felt more lost in her life but her best friend has found his home.
She can't take it from him. He's happy and hopeful. She can't destroy that, she can't take his success and make it about her failure.
"So what are you going to do now?" she asks.
"Go home," he says.
She looks at her hands. He doesn't need her anymore and it's sinking in.
"Never again," she says later, looking at the TARDIS through the window. She's done. She can't travel with him, it'll hold him back. He deserves his shot at happiness and home, even if she's lost hers.
"Me and Danny are gonna be fine," she says, committing to the lie. "Go home," she tells him.
And then it's goodbye. They hug and it is something they both need.
Clara knows that Doctor is right, she's hiding. But he can't know that she is. She can hide a lot of things from him, to protect him, but she won't hide how he has helped her.
So, she thanks him. They made each other feel special and they both needed that. She watches the blue box leave and turns to go home. Her home is quiet and dark and empty, but it's what she has.
-DW-
"Clara," the Doctor says, knocking on her door. "Clara, open up."
Clara makes a confused face and walks over to her door.
"Doctor?" she asks through the door. "It's Christmas, what are you doing here?"
"I didn't want to park the TARDIS inside, I want to give you your space," the Doctor says. "But we need to talk."
"Doctor-." Clara says in a low, disappointed voice.
"No, Clara, please," he says. "You're my friend. Please let me in. I want to help you."
Clara sighs. They stand in silence for a few moments, Clara deciding what to do and the Doctor waiting for her.
Finally the door opens.
"Danny's dead," she says. "He's been dead for two months now."
"I know," the Doctor said. He face was more sad, and Clara could tell that he was sad for her. It made her uncomfortable but she was so tired of pretending she was fine. Everyone was sad for her, everyone at work gave her looks of such pity. She hated it and how it made her feel.
They looked at each other for a moment, acknowledging how sad each other was.
The Doctor spoke up. "You're…"
Clara nodded. "Pregnant, yeah. Five months."
"I'm sorry," the Doctor said.
Clara laughed bitterly. "This isn't how it's supposed to go, you know? I'm an adult, I have a career, I'm pregnant with my first child and when I tell people that I get a look of pity. I went back to work and I couldn't hide it. No one says hello to me in the corridors, they just look down and look away. Or they stare with these sad faces. That's the worst reaction."
The Doctor looked away from her for a moment. "What happened?"
"The bracelet, Danny didn't use it to get himself home," Clara said. "When he was in the army, he killed a little boy. He sent him back instead."
"What happened to him?"
"I got him home," Clara said. "We don't keep in touch, but he's safe. I got his family to somewhere safe."
"I'm glad," the Doctor said.
"Yeah," Clara said in a low voice. She cleared her throat. "You never found Gallifrey, did you?"
The Doctor shook his head. "How'd you know?"
"You wouldn't be here if you did."
They left it at that, no more explanation. Clara didn't want him to ask her to explain, and the Doctor didn't want to hear it.
"Are you still looking?" Clara asked.
"When I have the time," the Doctor said. "What have you been doing?"
Clara sighed. "I honestly couldn't tell you. Do you want to come in?"
She stepped aside and the Doctor stepped into her flat. They went into the kitchen and Clara started on a pot of tea. The Doctor wandered around, looking at her flat.
It was different than the last time he'd been there. It was decorated like it had been on his first Christmas there, with decorations and a table set up in the lounge, but it just felt more sad. The pictures on the walls were still of Clara's family, but there were strikingly few of Danny. There was a picture of him in every room, though, but they weren't the main focus. They were almost hidden, so that you'd only find yourself looking at them if you wanted to. He looked around the kitchen and noticed things stuck to the door of the refrigerator.
There was a calendar, with important dates regarding Clara's school written on them. There was a picture of Danny and a picture from a sonogram.
The Doctor grinned slightly.
"So this is it, then?" he asked, taking the picture and holding it up to Clara.
Clara turned and a smile spread on to her face when she saw what the Doctor was holding.
"Yeah, I had a scan the other day," she said.
"Are you alright?"
Clara nodded. "Yeah, everything is fine," she said, the smile fading but sadness not taking over her features. "Apparently it's a boy."
The Doctor smiled. "Clara, that's wonderful."
Clara nodded but didn't speak.
"Clara…" the Doctor said.
"I am so scared," she said. "I am so…scared."
"Clara, you're going to be alright," the Doctor said.
"How can I be?" she asked. She could feel the tears coming. It had been months and she was still in denial. "I never told Danny. He had no idea. I had so many chances to just say it and…and he never knew he was going to be a father. Maybe if I told him…maybe if I had done things better, all of it, from the start, Danny would be here. He should be here for this."
"This isn't your fault, Clara," the Doctor.
"Oh? Then whose is it?" she asked, tears flowing.
"It's Missy's," the Doctor said.
Clara scoffed and rolled her eyes.
"Really, it is," the Doctor said. "She chose you. She was the woman in the shop all those years ago. She put the ad in the paper when I became me. She brought us together. Blame her for this, not yourself."
"So I'm just a part of some time lord's games," Clara said. "What else is new."
"That's not fair."
"I don't care if it's fair," Clara said. "None of this is fair."
"How can I help?"
"I don't know," Clara said. "I don't know how I'm going to look at my son and watch him grow up without a father. I don't know how I'm going to do this alone."
"You aren't alone, Clara," the Doctor said.
"It is so hard for a kid growing up with one parent," Clara continued. "I was lucky, I was older when my mum died. But when she died, my dad shut off. He was there, but he was gone for a while. He wasn't himself. I'm not myself right now, and I don't know when I will be. If I ever will be. I can't be that way to my son. My son, Danny's son, deserves better."
"Clara, you will be an amazing mother," the Doctor said. "It's going to be hard, you can do it. This child is lucky to have you."
Clara tried to stop the tears but a few escaped.
"I've been trying not to cry," she said. "It isn't working that well today."
"You should cry," the Doctor said. "It helps."
Clara looked at him. "You've lost people. You've lost people you love more than anything. How'd you get through it?"
"I run," the Doctor said. "And that is very different than getting through it."
Clara leaned back against the counter, letting that sink in. She gasped and her hand flew to her stomach.
"Clara?" the Doctor asked. "Clara, what's wrong?"
Clara grinned. "Come here," she said. He walked over and she took his hand and put it on her stomach.
"Clara…" the Doctor said, clearly not very comfortable with it.
"Shut up," she said, moving his hand a bit. "There," she said. "Did you feel that?"
"What the hell was that?" the Doctor asked.
Clara laughed. "The baby. Weird, isn't it?"
"Very," the Doctor said.
"It's so strange to feel him move," Clara said.
"Well, since he can't talk to you, he's saying hi that way," the Doctor said.
"Hi," Clara said softly, looking down.
"He also says that he wants you to be happy," the Doctor continued. "And that your taste in music is rubbish."
Clara looked up at the Doctor. "It is really strange that you speak baby, Doctor."
"The point is," the Doctor said, "That yes there is a lot to be sad about in your life. But there is a lot to be happy about, too. It is terrible that Danny isn't here for this, but it is still happening. A baby is a good thing."
"I can't believe Danny isn't here for this," Clara said, looking down again.
"Your son will know who Danny Pink is," the Doctor said. "Your son will know who his father was, and your son will be proud."
Clara smiled softly at that, but then snapped her head up to look at the Doctor. "Have you met him?" she asked. "Have you met my son?"
"You're going to be alright, Clara," the Doctor said.
"Doctor-!"
"It's Christmas, where is everyone?" the Doctor asked.
Clara sighed. She poured out tea for her and the Doctor and handed him a mug. "Do you know what time it is? It's early, they won't be here for a few more hours. I was about to start cooking when you turned up."
"Would you like help cooking?"
Clara cocked an eyebrow at him.
"I'm an excellent cook."
"Okay," Clara said.
"I can stay all day if you want," the Doctor offered.
"You can?"
"You're not alone, Clara," the Doctor said. "I know you're not travelling with me, and I respect that, but I can still pop around for dinner or tea now and then."
Clara smiled. "Of course. Yeah, pop round every now and then. Let me know how the search for Gallifrey is coming."
The Doctor didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry she lied to you about where it was," Clara said. "But you can still try to find it. You can still go home."
"Clara…"
"I'll try harder to move forward if you do," Clara proposed. She stuck out her hand. "Deal?"
The Doctor looked at her for a few moments. "Deal." He shook her hand.
Clara smiled. She was never going to be over the loss of Danny Pink but she had to try to be. She had to accept that he was gone and move forward. She would love Danny Pink forever but she would also love her son forever.
It broke Clara's heart that she was having her son alone and that her son wouldn't know his father, and she knew that that would never be alright. But she also knew that she had a chance to be the best mother she can.
Clara Oswald is many things, but one thing she isn't is a quitter. Clara Oswald is tenacious. Clara Oswald does not stop going after what she wants. She wants to be happy. She wants her son to be happy. She wants the Doctor to be happy. Nothing can stop her.
The end. Hope y'all enjoyed this! Please leave a review and let me know what you think!