She's not sure exactly when it starts.
Maybe it happens somewhere between finding Holden cute and finding Andie gone.
They're always together nowadays, all dopey grins and soft eyes, and she's gotten used to throwing strained smiles their way and suppressing that churning in the bottom of her stomach so she tries her best not to think much of it. It's already obvious to her what this is – a painful, gigantic, possibly fatal 'crushie'. There was no question about it – she was falling for… someone.
She just never thought that the… 'crushies' could be from anyone other than him. All she thought about was the fact that she got the crushies,
Crushies have always been the same for her. It feels like her stomach's been replaced with a blender and her heart's been dropped down into it, like someone's left their finger pressed down on somewhere between grind and liquefy.
The moment she notices for whom is when she's walking into her house and Holden's there, pulling the strap of his bag and rocking back and forth on his heels. He's there to drop off a book he had promised lend to her brother during school, and he flashes her that smile that always made her giggle. He's dressed as nicely as he always is, hair cut clean like it always is, friendly and kind like he always is, but she doesn't notice any of that.
All she notices is how confusingly still her stomach is.
It doesn't make sense.
It can't make sense, because her stomach wasn't churning and burning like it should've at the sight of the boy. If there's one thing she and her sister share in common, it's the inability to hide feelings. She can't be over it either because her heart still feels constantly heavy, the same way it does whenever she has a crush.
"This makes no sense at all!"
"What makes no sense?"
"Hmmm? Oh, hi Maddie! Nothing! Nothing makes sense! Nothing makes sense because sense is just a concept."
"…Right. Was that Holden outside?"
"No! I mean, yes!"
Her sister throws her an unconvinced frown but returns her attention back to her phone.
She gulps.
"Maddie? How long does it take for someone to get over a crush?"
"Uh… I don't know? I guess it depends person to person. I mean, some people get over people, like, scary fast." Maddie shrugs.
"Okay, so let's say, hypothetically – you saw someone, maybe a few hours ago, and you felt, you know, your stomach flipping and your heart pounding and – this is all hypothetical, of course – you see them later on and you feel, like, absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. Is that – is that possible?"
"I don't think feelings work like that."
"Well, duh Maddie, I know. That's why this is all hypothetical!"
Liv laughs, maybe a little too much, judging by the suspicious glare from her twin.
"But back to the point. If that did happen, hypothetically, why would that happen?"
"I don't know. Maybe the person ended up being a total ass in those few hours."
"Hypothetically speaking, what if they're just as sweet and charming and nice as ever?"
"Liv, I get it. This is hypothetical. Please stop saying hypothetical."
"Okay, okay, continue!"
"Maybe the stomach flipping feeling wasn't a crush then?"
Liv rolls her eyes at that, because of course she's feeling a crush. She has to be. She knows how her heart feels and how her stomach gets and how hot her face feels when she's feeling feelings. She's a feelings feeler! She's an actress for God's sake! She knows feelings when she feels them.
"It's definitely a crush feeling. Hypothet – er, you get the point."
"Okay, well, maybe that stomach-flipping feeling was for someone else. I don't know, Liv. Was there someone else this 'hypothetical' person was with the first time? Because maybe it was for them."
"That's impossible. The only person that was with him before today was –"
Liv feels her eyes widen and her words get stuck in the back of her throat.
"The only person was…?"
"Nope you're right totally right the feeling was actually absolute shock and fear yup not a crush I'm going to go now –"
She shakes her head all the way up to her room, grabbing her phone off the counter, sending out a text, and repeating to herself that it's just not possible. It's just not possible. It's impossible. Impossible.
This is it. No going back now.
Liv takes a deep breath before swinging open the door to see her best friend standing there, decked out in protective rubber pants and a welder's mask pushed up over her forehead. She has a worried frown on her face and ash on her cheeks and chin.
For a moment, Liv feels an almost frightening amount of nothing inside her body but before she can celebrate, her heart starts up so quickly and loudly that she's sure the other girl can hear it. The pit of her stomach feels heavy but she can still feel it clench and begin spinning like a rotor and she's surprised her lunch isn't back out on the floor yet.
"What's wrong, Liv? I got here as fast as I could –"
She can't help but begin trembling at Andie's concerned voice. Every word she's saying is making her stomach do flips and it just isn't fair, none of this is fair. Andie begins reaching out to her for a reason her mind can't focus enough to figure out, but when the other girl's face starts looking blurrier and blurrier she lets out a strained sob and wipes at the tears she doesn't realize is running down her face.
"Oh, Liv."
Under normal circumstances, she would have absolutely refused to put her head on Andie's dirty welding shirt, but she is in no position to argue, not when each turn of her stomach tells her how absolutely in deep she is.
She tries not to think about it when Andie leaves and the day after and it's going as well as Liv-ignoring-something-emotional usually goes. She's jumpy and wide-eyed and laughing awkwardly to the point that her mom lets her stay home from school, which she accepts (a little too) happily. There's a moment when she's home alone where she feels at peace, but that's immediately shattered when her phone vibrates with a text from Andie asking if she's okay. The text makes her wonder if she's special to her and she smiles, although it's probably normal for best friends to check up on each other. She feels the smile drop from her face and her eyes tear up.
"Liv."
Her sister's voice knocks her from her thoughts and she quickly wipes her eyes on her sleeves before sitting up on her bed.
"Maddie? What are you doing here?"
"I had practice all morning and I'm excused from my afternoon classes so I came back home because something's wrong with you."
"What? Nothing's wrong!"
"Dude… you've been acting weird."
"What? That is… that is absolutely absurd! Ridiculous! Preposterous!"
Maddie shoots her a pointed look.
"Liv, you can't tell me that wasn't weird."
"No! I - yeah, okay, it was weird."
"I know you're deflecting. You were crying a minute ago."
"Ha ha! You know me! Emotional! All the time! Over nothing!" Liv lets out, smiling as widely as she could without shattering.
"Don't say that. If it upsets you, it's something to me."
She opens her mouth to try to say something, anything, to get her sister off her back because everything's been feeling so unbearably heavy lately but it's hard to look into the eyes of someone that looks so much like her reflection and lie. She wonders if she's been lying to herself enough.
"I –"
The crying is totally unplanned, and as a professional actress whose tears have been 95% percent scripted and perfectly controlled, real crying is beginning to get more and more annoying. Turning off real tears is close to impossible. And the way her words skip with weird cry-hiccups – if just feels all very unprofessional. She wants to scold herself but her eyes decide to go blind with tears again and all she feels is powerless.
"Woah, Liv, come here."
Her sister pulls her into an embrace and she accepts it, despite her sister needing to either buy better deodorant or change out of her basketball jersey becoming increasingly apparent to her, because she thinks Maddie's arms are the only things keeping her together right now. There's a thought in her head that maybe she'll break into a thousand pieces if Maddie lets go of her. There's another thought that it probably wouldn't hurt as much.
"I just need some time, Maddie." She whispers.
Maddie doesn't say anything back and nods like she understands and it's comforting.
It takes a few days but eventually, she's gotten herself out of the funk she was in. She's a Hollywood star, for crying out loud. The amount of emotions she's expected to cycle through in a single one-week shooting is enough to get her checked into a ward. This is a little harder, of course, considering it's a lot more real, a lot more Liv.
It's not that she's a girl who's crushing on a girl that's got her so freaked out (although maybe just a little bit, because who saw that coming?) but it's because she doesn't want to lose her best and only friend who's not related to her by blood. It's hard being famous and trying to make friends. Good friends are hard to come by regardless, and Andie's like the goldmine of friends. She doesn't give a rat's ass about Liv's celebrity status, she's loyal, she's strong, she's hilarious, she's beautiful, she's got that cute crease on the side of her eyes when she's smiling, she's just so perfect.
Losing her would be a lot worse than losing most other things, and Liv's a girl with a lot to lose.
Letting out a breath, Liv gathers her words and sits her sister next to her on the sofa the moment she's back from basketball practice. Sniffing the air with distaste, she regrets doing these things right after Maddie's practices but the girl is perpetually playing basketball or thinking about playing basketball, so she shakes the thought from her head and looks her sister in the eyes.
"I, Livi Rooney, have a crush."
"…That was it? This whole emotional roller coaster you were on was about you having a crush? Dude, I already know you have a crush on Holden. Wait, do you not have a crush on him? Why is this such a big deal? Is it Diggie? Not that I care about him anymore, but – it's not Diggie, right?"
"Calm down, sister. It's not Holden, and it's definitely not Diggie."
Maddie shrugs like she isn't affected but Liv can see the relief pour out of her sister.
"Okay, so, who is it?"
"It's Andie."
"Andy? Like Andy Lettering on the boy's basketball team Andy? Or Andy Lee on the student council Andy? Or –"
"Andie – Andie. My Andie. The only Andie I know Andie. Andie." She says it one more time because it sounds nice on her tongue. "Andie."
"Like, girl-Andie-Andie?"
Liv nods.
" I did not know you swung that way."
"I didn't either, so this is a new discovery for both of us." Liv says, dropping her head on her arms. "It's not like I planned for this to happen."
"Are you – are you okay? You're not freaking out?"
"Did you forget the three days of crying, dear sister?"
"So you became okay with it in three days?"
"Woah, let's get one thing straight, Maddie. Just because I found out unexpectedly years after I thought I knew my own sexuality doesn't mean I was crying because I might have feelings for a girl. I mean, I really, really didn't see this coming. Like, really, really didn't. Honestly, I thought you'd end up being the gay one, you know, with the whole brutish athlete thing you have going on."
"Hey –"
"I was just upset because… it just… it hurt enough when I lost my best friend to my crush, but now, I'm destined to lose my best friend to a crush."
"You're not going to lose her, Liv."
"Yeah, well, she's with Holden anyways."
The sisters sit in a comfortable quiet.
"Hey, Maddie?"
"Yeah, Liv?"
"Do you still love me?"
"What kind of a dumb question is that? I love you no matter who's the lucky person that's got you wrapped around their finger." Maddie pauses, cringing a bit, "In more ways than one, I guess."
"Oh my God, Liv, don't say that to me! I'm not that adjusted to all this yet, oh my God!"
Liv blushes a violent red as she smacks her laughing sister on the arm, and for the first time in days, she feels like she can breathe again.
Five missed calls from Andie and another day of skipped school later, and Liv's no closer to getting over this crush. It's not going to work out, after all. She's not going to ruin someone's relationship for something totally selfish. That's not the Rooney way. She just needs a little more time and a little less Andie reminding her of how crazy deep she's in it for her. So, of course, she feels a little cheated when she opens her front door and Andie's there, looking sadder than she's used to.
"We broke up." Andie says, shrugging.
"W-what? You and – you and Holden? Why?"
"Look, I see the way you look at him." Andie mutters, "It's okay. You can have him."
Liv opens her mouth and closes it again.
"I like him, I do, but… you're more important to me than he is, and you two would be good together, so…"
"Andie, it's not like that." Liv tries to say.
"Look, ever since I started dating him, I never see you anymore. You're always… I don't know. Avoiding me? Do you hate me? I don't want you to hate me over a boy. And that time when you were crying and hurting and… I just, I don't know. I like him, but I love you. You're the best friend I've ever had. I have a lot of boys in my life, you know. I only have one you." She shrugs.
Liv can't help it. Her stomach's twisting and twisting like it's trying to wring itself out of breakfast and last night's spaghetti dinner. She feels her heart doing flips and jumping around her ribcage like it's trying to get her to tell her something she already knows.
"Shut up."
Andie looks surprised, taking a step back.
"What?"
"Wait, no, not you – I meant…"
Her hands are shaking because she can't find the right words and her feet step forward in response to Andie's step back. It happens suddenly because she can't take it anymore. She's on autopilot when her arms reach out and wrap around Andie's own, pulling the girl towards her. There's little resistance when she's leaning forward, slower than she'd like, faster than her mind is able to catch up with. Just like that, it happens. Just like that, her eyes are closed and her lips are on Andie's.
She's kissing her like she's thought about a million times since the realization that the crushies were for her and not for Holden. It feels better than her fantasies because her lips are softer than any boy's and her skin feels so warm and comfortable against her own. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world, but it comes to a crashing halt when she realizes what she's doing.
She pulls back from the kiss and refuses to open her eyes. If you kiss your best friend and nobody's there to see it, did it really happen? There's a buzz in the back of her head and her lips feel swollen and her heart's no longer trying to tell her something but now it's screaming it. She might faint from how dizzy her head feels.
"Liv…"
Gulping, she gathers whatever courage she has left and slowly opens her eyes to see a shy smile and twinkling eyes and pure adoration she's not used to seeing directed at her, the real Liv, not the celebrity Liv. For a moment, she has to fight the urge to turn around and look for Holden, but when Andie steps forward, grabs her shoulders, and pulls her in for another kiss, she melts. This look is for her, this kiss is for her. Nobody else.
Her stomach's doing black flips and high fiving her stomach but it feels good, really good.
She's not sure exactly when it starts, but she hopes it'll never end.