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Sucky, Involuntary SI
Or, "How to make Mary-Sue Bleed."
The place: NERV central dogma. The time: Thursday, 3:57pm. All is calm.
As usual, the bridge crew are indulging in their favorite pastimes: one of the techs is playing air-guitar, another sits and reads his comics. The third is staring into space, trying not to think about a purple alligator. It's hard, man. Try it.
The head scientist of NERV, Ritsuko Akagi, sits by her desk. She is idly watching "Tenchi Muyo!" files on her laptop in an effort to pick up tips on how to be the coolest mad scientist ever. She is juiced up on caffeine, nicotine, and other substances that would likely kill a lesser person.
Ritsuko thinks to herself, I gotta find a way to get a bigger jolt outta this stuff. I finally found out how to keep my teeth white and remove the tar from the cigarettes—maybe I should switch to cigars...
Meanwhile, Ikari Gendo and his second-in-command, Fuyutsuki Kozo, are sitting in the commander's office, playing mah-jongg.
Gendo: I, the unmatchable master of strategy, win again. You owe me 500 yen.
Fuyutsuki: I think you're cheating. No one can be THAT lucky!
Gendo: You shouldn't hold grudges, sensei. Don't be such a sore loser; it does not befit you. …Neener neener. [Sticks out tongue and pulls at eyelid.]
Fuyutsuki glares at the commander and sighs. I might as well pay up; it isn't as if it would make any kind of a dent in my budget. He takes a bill out of his pocket and slides the money over the table to the commander.
Gendo [smirking]: Domo, Sensei.
Suddenly, klaxons begin to wail. A few also weep and gnash their teeth, but Section Four agents quickly beat them into submission. Techs are scurrying all over the place, assuming their battle-stations with the ease of those who have tried it a thousand times before, and succeeded at least twice.
Gendo assumes his position at the podium overlooking the main control room, with Fuyutsuki by his side.
Gendo: Status report.
Katsuragi Misato looks up from the screen that she has been scanning, and shouts back.
Misato: We have some sort of energy-flux coming from God-knows-where!
Maya [aside to Aoba]: I know where. You may want to get out of that chair.
Lt. Aoba [aside to Maya]: Does this mean I need to worship you?
Maya [whispering and blushing]: Don't get me started.
Fuyutsuki: Can you track it?
Gendo: Hey, I'm giving the orders here! Okay?
Fuyutsuki: Sorry, commander…
Gendo: Can you track it?
Misato: No, sirs. We are at this time unable to locate its precise position.
Hyuga [whispering to Maya]: Yeah, like that's any kind of new 'round here...
All three 'bridge bunnies' giggle until Misato silences them with a Businesslike Glare of Death.
Suddenly, a rift appears in the air, hanging over the middle of the bridge. It spits sparks and makes noises as if trying to play techno and classical music simultaneously. All three 'bridge bunnies' glance at each other and take cover on the far side of their consoles, peering over the top at the readouts.
Ritsuko: WHAT THE HELL?! What's the reading on this thing?
Aoba: We can't identify it, but it's not Angel-related. The Magi report a Code Green, with 98% probability of dimensional conflagulation and 47% probability that Momiji's panties will have birds on them.
Suddenly two figures appear out of the rift, both coughing. The larger one lands comfortably in Hyuga Makoto's chair; the other ends up cross-legged on the controls and polishes his glasses.
Worldmage [to self in an undertone]: Damn, it was "shi-ha-kol," not "shekel." Drek. Mist. Crap.
Worldmage [out loud, to The Dane]: That was unpleasantly like being drunk.
The Dane: What's so unpleasant about being drunk?
Worldmage: You ask a glass of water.
{In memory of Douglas Adams… we'll miss you, old boy.}
The Dane: FUCK! Where the hell did that spell send us?
Worldmage: Beats me...
The one with the glasses looks around and considers.
Worldmage: Um, you remember Central Dogma and the Geofront bridge from watching NGE, right?
The Dane is busy brushing ash and dust, and a few parts of frogs better left unnamed, off his clothes.
The Dane: Yeah—your point being?
Worldmage: I think that's where the spell sent us.
The Dane sweatdrops, as does Worldmage.
The Dane [in the spirit of an epiphany]: Did we just sweatdrop?
Worldmage [frowning]: Yeah, I think so...
The Dane: Cool, I always wondered what it would be like. ^_^
Worldmage almost facefaults but resists after realizing the implications of going SD. Meanwhile, commander Ikari is the first of the NERV crew to regain his composure.
Gendo: Identify yourselves! Who are you and how did you get in here?
The Dane and Worldmage glance at each other and shrug.
Worldmage & The Dane [in perfect synch]: We dunno! Beats us! We're just innocent fanfic authors.
Worldmage [whispering to The Dane]: Do you think they'll buy that one?
Gendo snarls and presses a button on his desk console.
Gendo: Security, we have a breach in Central Dogma, in the bridge section. Send enforcers to remove the intruders immediately!
In the meantime, the two authors seem oblivious of the fate bearing down on them.
The Dane [shouting]: You insane Kabbalist! You said the spell would work!
Worldmage [angrily]: If you hadn't been making thought-noise, it would've!
The Dane [flustered]: Who the hell told you that you could set the language to Yiddish?
Worldmage [confused]: I thought that if you knew German, Yiddish would be a picnic.
Suddenly two guys even larger than the 6'4" Dane enter Central Dogma.
Worldmage [gesturing with his hands in front of him]: Hadou-ken! [Nothing happens.] Crap, I'm out of energy. You'll have to take care of them.
NERV security 1: We're taking you two into custody. Come along quietly now.
Security 2: If you cooperate, we won't have to hurt you… badly.
The Dane grins as he sizes up the two men. He cracks his knuckles and walks over to them.
The Dane: Do you know any martial arts?
Security 1: Yes, I have a third-rank black belt in Jiu-jitsu.
The Dane [grinning]: Are you game for a little match?
Security 2: If you resist, we will be compelled to use forceful measures.
The Dane: Provided you have time to reach your guns.
The Dane quickly kicks one in the nuts, then breaks the other one's nose with a jab to the face. He gives the first a sideways boot to the head, spins, and punches the lights out of the other, who is otherwise occupied holding his broken nose.
Worldmage picks up the lights off of the floor and puts them in his pocket, glancing around to make sure everybody is distracted by the fight. The Dane finishes with a flourish and claps his hands together.
The Dane [smugly]: Hey, this self-insert business isn't such a bad thing after all. I might get to li—
A bullet whizzes by his ear and hits the wall behind him. Both authors hurriedly take cover behind each other as the commander reveals his personal sidearm.
Gendo [in a stone-cold voice… slate, to be precise]: The next one shall be between your eyes, gaijin!
The Dane [sarcastically, from behind a chair]: I resent that. That's racism. I'm suing you. Come, my friend, [turns to Worldmage] we're outta here. [To Gendo]: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
The Dane snaps his fingers and grins. Nothing happens. He snaps his fingers repeatedly, grinning less and less each time. Everybody stares at the strange white guy furiously snapping his fingers.
Worldmage [whispering]: I think that the spell accidentally deactivated our author powers.
The Dane's eyes suddenly seem about to pop out of his skull.
Worldmage [still whispering]: And if you read Gendo's aura, it looks like he's a—
The Dane: WHAT?! DEACTIVATED?!
The Dane proceeds to curse so fiercely that Maya, after a moment of shock, covers her ears and rocks back and forth whimpering. The other techs just sit and listen in amazement as Misato's jaw hits the floor and Ritsuko procures from the pocket of her lab coat an array of Shinto wards against demons, indigestion, and other assorted evils. Even Gendo, Fuyutsuki and Worldmage have grown very large sweatdrops and are staring with varying levels of awe and horror.
At that moment, the pilots arrive in response to the alarm. As they come within earshot of The Dane's voice, Shinji's ears begin to bleed and Rei's eyes widen. Asuka blinks, assessing the vocabulary. She then fishes out a pad of paper and takes notes.
The big Northman finally shuts up, and Gendo sighs in relief. After receiving a sidelong glance from Fuyutsuki, he regains his composure and folds his hands.
Gendo [sneering]: Are you quite finished?
The Dane [growling]: Don't make me come up there and open up a can o' whoop-ass, old man!
Gendo [coldly, lifting his gun again]: I am in control. I hold the weapon.
Fuyutsuki [in an undertone to Gendo]: Perhaps we can use this to our advantage against SEELE. The tall one implied that the other, with the glasses, is a Kabbalist. And if the tall one knows something of magic as well, we might have a chance of getting the upper hand here.
Gendo lowers his weapon and growls.
Gendo [to the authors]: Let us make a deal. You can avoid imprisonment if you agree to live under Major Katsuragi's supervision and work for NERV under her authority.
Asuka: Cool, then that guy can teach me some new swear words. It'll be great, right Shinji? Shinji?
Asuka looks at Shinji, who is standing in a state of shock with blood trickling out of his ears, breathing shallowly and mumbling about Europeans. Asuka sighs and tells Misato to get medics to take Shinji to sickbay. Meanwhile, Misato has thought of some objections to the commander's orders.
Misato: So many people won't fit in my apartment. It's too small.
Gendo [snorts]: Then NERV shall provide sufficient lodgings for all of you. Then you can take care of the First Children as well.
Misato groans as she suddenly realizes that she will now be responsible for another three neurotic youngsters, and furthermore that she will have to redraw the maps she uses for getting home after her weekend benders. The moving process itself will be a royal pain as well.
Worldmage [to The Dane]: Umm… did you agree to this?
The Dane: No. But until our author powers come back, we don't have much choice. Let's play along.
Fuyutsuki [chuckling]: Commander, don't you think the workload will be too much for even a woman such as Miss Katsuragi?
Gendo [pondering]: You have a point, sensei.
Gendo grins evilly as an idea pops into his mind, much in the same manner as those fuzzy things pop up when one is playing "Whack-a-mole."
Gendo: Dr. Akagi. You will assist Major Katsuragi in taking care of the children and the two subjects.
Ritsuko is at a total loss for words, but speaks anyway.
Ritsuko: WHAT? You can't do that to me, commander! We won't have anywhere except the lab to… I mean, what about my cats and stuff?
Gendo [almost chuckling]: There shall be sufficient space for those as well. We're talking a mansion here. [Winking] I'm sure that ALL space arrangements will be taken care of properly.
Ritsuko grumbles a bit, but gives up.
Ritsuko [to self]: Dammit, he's in that mood again. Why can't I ever come out on top?
Misato: You like it on top?
[...]
[Time passes… it can't seem to help doing that.]
By the next afternoon, everyone is installed in the new house provided for Misato, Ritsuko, and their charges. Shinji has been released from the hospital. Misato and Kaji have "accidentally" run over most of Ritsuko's cats with their cars—not that anybody can tell the difference. The Dane and Worldmage have been established with a futon and several changes of clothing each, and the household chores reapportioned.
As of about two in the afternoon, the adults are at NERV, doing secret NERV stuff. Shinji and the Worldmage are in the kitchen, arguing the relative merits of pasta and white sauce versus rice with curry. Rei is in her room, communing with… whatever she communes with all day. Asuka and The Dane are sitting in the living room of the new Katsuragi/Akagi household. The Dane is enjoying a pair of cold Yebisu Beers, one drink and one fanfic. Asuka is chugging down some mineral water, trying to think of ways to get alcohol and invective from the new arrival.
The Dane: You know, I might get used to this. If I could only get my hands on some Danish beer…
Asuka: You can't. Your country was flooded in the 2nd Impact.
The Dane: Stop reminding me. At least they had the common sense to abandon the ship when they saw it sink. You krauts just stayed put and figured that you would be spared, since the Danes were there to take the brunt of the tidal wave.
Asuka: At least I have a country.
The Dane: Well so do I, in the time I come from. Sit on that, rotate, and enjoy!
Asuka [in German]: WAS? Perverser Mensch! Schweinhund! Verdammte Däne! Es soll Ihnen—
The Dane: Stuff it, barky. Or I'll throw you off the roof and see how long it takes you to learn how to fly.
Asuka throws a book at The Dane and leaves in a huff. A moment later, Worldmage enters and shoots The Dane an annoyed look.
The Dane: What? She deserved it. She was violating my nationality and my personal integrity.
Worldmage [sips a cup of tea, mutters sarcastically]: What integrity? [More seriously] Really, we can't go upsetting the locals. You'll never get a woman in this world if you go on acting like that, you know.
The Dane: You know I'm gonna throw this can at you when I'm done.
Worldmage: I sense some bad vibes coming from the sofa. Ooohhh…
Worldmage chuckles and calmly sips his tea. Then he straightens as he remembers something.
Worldmage: Hey, listen to this: we're speaking Japanese!
The Dane [thinks about it]: You're right! Damn, that's great!
Worldmage: But you were cussing in Danish earlier. And I can still speak Yiddish, Hebrew, and English. I checked. And all of a sudden, I can read all the katakana and hiragana, and a handful of kanji.
The Dane [after consideration]: I've retained all of my languages too. Yeah, I can read some of the labels on the can here… Dammit! That stupid spell of yours still screwed us over!
The Dane finishes his beer and chucks the can half-heartedly at Worldmage—and, of course, misses him by a long shot, mostly because his target has wandered back into the kitchen.
Discovering that he is Bored (not just your ordinary boredom), The Dane embarks upon a crusade to cause general mischief. He tracks down the Third Children out in the garden, and…
The Dane: Come on, Shinji, you know you want to.
Shinji: But I heard that it hurts. A lot.
The Dane chuckles.
The Dane: It only hurts the first time, you'll get used to it. Here, I'll show you.
Shinji: Ok, but be careful.
The Dane chuckles as he finishes his most recent beer. He looks Shinji in the eyes, suddenly solemn.
The Dane: There's no turning back now, Shinji. You know that, right?
Shinji nods silently and give The Dane a small, nervous smile.
The Dane grins and grabs his beer can hard. He moves his hand swiftly up and—smacks the can against his forehead, crushing it into a puck-sized disk.
The Dane: See? No problem at all. Not even a depression from the blow.
Shinji: Wow, you ARE good. I always get depressed before I hurt myself.
The Dane [modestly]: Well, I'm probably not as good as Misato, but I try.
Shinji gets a determined look and finishes his can of soda.
The Dane: Now belch.
After looking around nervously to make sure nobody else is listening, Shinji cuts loose with a relatively impressive belch.
The Dane: Now, you slam the can against your forehead right here.
He points to a spot on Shinji's forehead.
The Dane: Remember to twist it as you make contact. It helps a lot.
Shinji nods solemnly. He tenses all his muscles, staring into smooth metal circle of the can-bottom. With a sudden, violent motion, he smacks the can against his forehead full force and—knocks himself out.
The Dane is now rolling on the ground, laughing his ass off.
The Dane [in between fits of laughter]: It IS true. Meanies have SO much more fun!
He stands up, still laughing, and throws Shinji's slight frame over his shoulder and carries him into the house. In the front hall, he pauses to kick of his shoes, and peel Shinji's from the pilot's feet.
The Dane [chuckling]: That's gonna leave a bruise the size of Asuka's ego.
Asuka [from elsewhere in the house]: I heard that!
The Dane [annoyed]: Shaddap!
The Dane deposit Shinji ceremoniously on a couch and then goes to the kitchen to forage for another six-pack of Yebisu beer.
The Dane: Damn, these are almost addictive. Oh, well. As long as they keep the buzz going, I guess I can't complain about the taste.
The Dane chugs down a beer in a single swift movement just as Asuka enters the room.
Asuka: You are SO disgusting. It's bad enough that I have to put up with one alcoholic, but you're even worse than SHE is!
The Dane gives Asuka the 'elevator look', snorts, and returns to the living room to check out the video game console he saw there.
The Dane [muttering under his breath]: I'm normally very turned on by redheads, but this kraut is just too much, even for my tolerance threshold.
Asuka: ARE YOU LISTENING?!
The Dane: Ah, go get laid. (I wouldn't mind this being a lemon anyway.) At the very least, find some way to channel all that annoying energy. Or even better: go see a shrink.
Enter Worldmage again, this time with a bowl of instant ramen in his hands.
Worldmage: Aren't you getting a bit atavistic here? You're supposed to be tolerant.
The Dane just glares at Worldmage and mutters something vile under his breath.
The Dane [out loud]: This is just getting to me. I'm becoming increasingly annoyed by the whole thing, and Asuka's persistence in trying to make me curse is very much a pain in my posterior.
Asuka: I just want to know how you got so good.
The Dane: Fine. Attend me closely, oh students. Close the circle at the feet of the master.
Worldmage: "Boot to the Head." [Rolls his eyes and devotes his attention to cooking the food]
The Dane: First, you must have a rotten childhood. It's best if most of it is so traumatic that you can't or won't remember anything about it.
Asuka [grimly]: Check.
The Dane: Then, you need a grandmother who likes to start the day with a couple shots of hard liquor.
Asuka: Umm… not check.
The Dane: A sick and twisted mind to make physically impossible combinations of acts, positions, and uses of various household objects.
Asuka [proudly]: Check! I'm inventive; I can turn that to this as well as any other task!
The Dane [ticking points off on his fingers by now]: Nordic blood.
Asuka: German falls under that category.
The Dane nods agreement.
Asuka [happily]: Check.
The Dane [thinking hard]: Are there any more criteria that need to be fulfilled... nope, I think that's it.
Asuka [grinning]: Will you teach me now? I'll leave you alone, and count you as an ally. Your skills are more fun than Shinji's anyway.
The Dane: Yeah, why not. Do you have pencil and paper?
Asuka: Yes, right here.
The Dane: Ok, first lesson. Only use this power with which I now endow you for a good cause. You don't see me going around popping big ones like slugs from an Uzi.
Worldmage rolls his eyes again, but remains silent.
Asuka: What if I drop something on my foot?
The Dane: That depends on the pain factor. The worse you feel, the worse language you can use.
Asuka [lighting up]: So can I use it in my Eva?
The Dane: Remember to turn off the audio first.
Asuka nods happily.
And as we leave them there, Worldmage hastily departs, shaking his head and trying to enjoy his ramen.
Worldmage: I just hope I can take some of this stuff home with me. It's far better than ordinary instant ramen. Cup Noodles… [Shudders]
—
Authors' Notes: Well, well, well. What will happen next? What wrath will be visited upon the gaijin when Misato comes home to find Shinji unconscious and her beer gone? What will happen now that Asuka is learning how to swear with an evil vengeance? Where is Rei, and what is she doing with those power tools? How will Worldmage and The Dane ever get home, and what will the first real dinner in the Katsuragi/Akagi household be like? Answers to these and many other stupid yet relevant questions will be largely missing from the next episode of: "Psycho SI"—!
Momiji is a character in Blue Seed, also known in some circles as "Eva with plants" or "Eva Lite."
"Domo" is short for "Domo arigato gozaimasu," a very polite form of "thank you." "Boot to the Head" is a comedy routine which is quoted from right before the name pops up.
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