Author's Note: hello! most of this fic is written before the last episodes, so please note that there might be some differences but it still contains some spoilers. the only reason i finished this fic is because i feel unsatisfied by the way the drama is handling lee sun's character turns.
Lee Sun was lost and scared.
The palace was a cold place. The room he was staying in was enormous but he felt suffocated. He found himself sleepless even several days after he started to stay in this place, days after he saw the Crown Prince die and days after he started impersonating the Crown Prince. Every time he started to fall asleep, the image of the gruesome murders of the King and the Crown Prince started to haunt his night, causing him to wake up drenched in cold sweat. He ended up hugging himself and started to become paranoid, becoming too aware of his surroundings, of the voices around the room, terrified that someone will come in and then kill him, just like what they did to the late King.
He didn't expect this to end up like this. He didn't expect to get involved in such a huge mess. It was supposed to be a short deal. He thought he would only become a fake Crown Prince for several weeks, months at most. He didn't know he would end up becoming a puppet King who had to abide by someone else's words. He just wanted to help the prince and then help his family by becoming the Crown Prince's friend, perhaps elevating their status a little.
He felt so scared. Scared for himself, scared for his mother and little sister who needed him. He couldn't go out from the palace to meet them, and even if he could he didn't want to do that, afraid that they would be harmed for being associated with him. He felt guilty for not doing well enough job as the decoy, for letting Daermok easily see through to his cowardice impersonation of the Crown Prince. Because of him, so many people died.
He didn't know what to do. Maybe he should have tried to plan on how to get out of this, but he couldn't think of anything knowing that he wouldn't be able to get out alive anyway. Sometimes he was too paralyzed by fear to be able to think properly, knowing how cruel Pyunsoohwe could be.
Sometimes he couldn't help but think that if it was the Crown Prince, even if he was a puppet, he wouldn't be as weak as Lee Sun was. Sometimes he wished he could be like the Crown Prince.
But he couldn't.
"You will have to take this pill once for every fifteen days." He remembered Daemok telling him, "If you obey me, I will send it to you. If not then you know what will happen."
The first time he had to take the poppy pill, he resisted. When it was brought to him, he tried hard to ignore its existence. He tried to convince himself that he would be fine without it. He tried to go on with his day but then the pain started. He thought it was bearable, at first, but then the pain became excruciating. It felt as if his heart was on fire and his lungs were being crushed by bricks.
He wanted to fight it; wanted to defy the fate that has been brought on him. But as he started to lose his breath, he ended up crawling to the pill anyway.
There was a time where he really hated his life, hated that he was born in a family who didn't have any rights in front of other people's eyes. There was a time where he almost hated his family, because of their status, because he couldn't do anything he wanted. He was forbidden from having any desires to learn, forbidden from even having personal thoughts and was looked down upon for being outspoken. He hated all of that.
He never thought that he would miss those times. He never thought that he would suffer more being someone within the highest position. He was dying and he couldn't do what he wanted to do. His every move was being watched by Daemok's spies, and he had no one by his side. No one who would listen to him and his despairs.
Sometimes, his late father showed up in his dreams, but he didn't say anything, only staring at him sadly. When he woke up, he woke up crying, missing his father so much he felt like dying. Every year when it was his father's death's anniversary, he mourned by himself in his room, having a ceremony without anything but an image of his father being there.
"Father, I am so sorry." He said, to his imaginary father, "I miss you. I miss Mother. I miss Kkomol."
He wondered how they were doing. His mother must be missing him. What did she think happened to him? Was she well? Did Kkomol grow up well? The last time he saw her, she was just a baby. He hadn't had a chance to do anything for her.
"You must be disappointed with how I turned out." He lamented. He remembered his father's last words, for him to keep doing anything he wanted, to become more than what their society limited them to. He didn't know if he managed to fulfill his father's words, but he was sure that he would be disappointed about his current situation. "I have become a coward, someone you wouldn't be able to feel proud of."
Tears welled up in his eyes as he remembered all the bad decisions he had made just because of Daemok. Sometimes Daemok's requests were nothing, sometimes they were quite cruel. Every time he had to agree, he felt more burden on his shoulders. He hated that he was so afraid of feeling pain, that he was so afraid of dying, even though with his current situation he wouldn't mind dying. Was it possible for a person to both want to die and to live?
"Sometimes I want to join you up there." He admitted out loud, "But I also want to keep living. I want to protect our family. I shouldn't let other people become a puppet like me and suffer, right?"
If it wasn't him, that it would be someone else who might be crueler than him. More than that, he didn't want another person to suffer and he wasn't sure if his family would still be safe. He still wanted to get revenge for the death of his father, making the people who were involved in it pay for the price. He didn't know how he would do that, but he still hoped that he would get a chance to do that.
"But Father, at least now I have a lot of time to study. I can read a lot of books.…it's nice. It's my only comfort." He laughed, wiping his tears away, trying to have some positive thoughts amidst all of the depressing thoughts.
"There are so many things I don't know, now that I know more things, I have become greedier for more," he said, "I want to go out and explore more of this world. Is that possible?"
He wanted to be free.
"Anyway, I hope you are resting well. I'm sorry that I can't be a good son."
He closed his eyes, and laid down on his bedding, staring at the sky.
"It's okay, Son, you are doing well." He imagined his father saying to him, brushing his hair just like how he used to do when he was little, "You just need to hold on."
"Do you have a dream?" Gaeun had asked him once, long time ago, after they had another lesson with Master Wooboo. The question had caught him off guard, stopping him on his track because he never really thought about it. Sometimes, a dream was still a foreign concept for him. It was a useless thing, because he knew that no matter what the dream was, it would never come true. He tried hard not to dream of something too big.
He started to answer, "I just want to provide for my family, I want to make my parents live a better life."
It was the least he can do, the only thing he thought he could probably do.
"Is that all?" Gaeun asked again, seemingly finding it ridiculous. She raised her eyebrow and wondered, "That's not really a dream, don't you think?"
He shrugged, "How can a mere peasant like me have a dream?"
Even though he was fed up with his status, and sometimes he tried to fight against the boundaries, there were still a lot of times when he also thought of himself still as a mere peasant who deserved nothing. He couldn't help it when it was a thing people kept trying to drill into his mind, when they kept telling him to know his place.
"Who says a peasant can't have a dream?" Gaeun responded back, her frustrations apparent at his lack of will. "You're still a human being, too. You can have a dream. You are smart, maybe someday you can even become a scholar."
"I want to study as much as I could." He finally answered again, the only answer he could tell her. They both knew that, and it was already a bigger dream than Lee Sun dared to have.
"Only that?"
If he dared to dream more, then he did have a bigger dream. He wanted to lead a different lead, fulfilling the name Gaeun had given him. Maybe he could raise his status, help people, and then become a man worthy enough to have Gaeun. As long as he was a mere peasant, he would never be worthy of having Gaeun's affection.
"I do have more dreams…" He admitted. Though he wouldn't admit what dream it was.
"What is it?"
"I can't tell you."
"Why?"
"Just because."
The appearance of Gaeun in the palace gave him a will to continue living, to be someone who could help her avenge her father, someone who actually could do something worthy. Gaeun made him want to have something again, because he knew he couldn't have anything else. And yet, Gaeun couldn't recognize him, no matter how many meetings they had, and yet, he couldn't even reveal himself to her and could only let her hate him, despite him not doing anything.
The reappearance of the Crown Prince gave him hope that everything would be over and that he could continue living as himself, instead of as the fake king. He was happy to see him alive and well, glad to have him back knowing that he would fix everything. He was the only friend Lee Sun had other than Gaeun, and Lee Sun felt fond of him because someone from royalty like him would protect someone who was a mere peasant.
And yet despite all of that, he started to grow bitter. It had been five years since his life turned sour. Five years of him thinking that the Crown Prince died, five years of him being scared and guilty and being constantly pressured from all sides. It took five years for the Crown Prince to show up, and then not even making an attempt to rescue him from this hell of a palace, leaving him in the hand of a mass murderer who didn't know any mercy. He knew the Crown Prince suffered, too, after all, he lost more people than Lee Sun did. But at least, he was free out there, out of Daemok's reach.
"Were you really trying to save me from this place?" He couldn't help but ask the Crown Prince one day, having kept everything inside for too long, "Why did it take so long for you to come here?"
The Crown Prince looked at him sadly, guilt in his eyes almost made Lee Sun felt guilty. But he was still resentful. He knew that he was the one who got himself involved in all of this mess, but sometimes he still blamed The Crown Prince for it. Perhaps it didn't make sense, perhaps it did. He was still just a human, who could be selfish.
"I am sorry, Lee Sun-ah." The Crown Price apologized, "I didn't know you suffered so much."
Lee Sun almost laughed. Did he think that he was having fun in the palace? Yes, The Crown Prince didn't know about his addiction, about the fact that he was dying, but did he think even without that, he didn't suffer? It wasn't only Daemok. Even the Queen Dowager was pressuring him to be on her side. It was stressful...it was sickening.
"What do you think I am doing in the palace?" he asked out loud, "Sometimes, I really resent you."
He wouldn't dare to say that to The Crown Prince before. But once the bitterness started piling up, he let it out of his mouth.
"What can I do to make it up for you?"
"Just, destroy Pyunsoohwe and take this position again." Lee Sun said, because he knew that the Crown Prince couldn't do anything for him other than that, "I am tired."
Even after five years, the Crown Prince didn't have any concrete plans to take down Daemok. He wondered, how long he would have to be in this situation, how long before he could go back to his family.
"I know." The Crown Prince said quietly. He stayed silent for a while, before he looked at Lee Sun and wondered, "Couldn't you let Gaeun go out of the palace? It's dangerous here for here."
And the bitterness kept piling up.
So instead of answering, he asked instead, "Couldn't you let Gaeun know about who you are and what happened to her father?"
It was something that he noticed even a long time ago, Sun and Gaeun's attraction towards each other. He had accepted that he had no chance to be with Gaeun then, but now…it was different. For once, he really wanted to have Gaeun by his side. But of course, instead of him, it was the Crown Prince who had her affection. He wanted to be with his family, wanted to be with his sister, but even his sister thought of the Crown Prince as a brother. He was jealous of all of that, but he was also jealous that it was Gaeun who was the Crown Prince's priority, the one who spurred the man into action. If it wasn't for Gaeun, would the Crown Prince be here at all? Would he even attempt to save him?
Jealousy, was such a dangerous thing.
He stared at the poppy pill on his hand with dreads, knowing that he had to take it, but at the same time didn't want to do so. He didn't want to need it, but yet when it was not around him, he became frantic, dreading the pain and the death that would come. He forced himself to take it, swallowing it down to extend his life for another 15 days.
It felt like, death was always looming over him.
"Hyunseok-ah." He called out to his bodyguard, who was standing not far from him, almost always by his side. He was the only person who knew everything about Lee Sun, the only one who would listen to his thoughts, the one who gave him assurance of a lot of things.
"Yes, Your Majesty?"
"Do you think I can live normally after all of this? If the Crown Prince took his position again…" he trailed off, thinking of all the possibilities that would happen, "Do you think I will be able to continue living?"
He didn't think he could live normally after all of this. It was weird, having a desire to be normal. But now that's all he longed to be
"Why won't you be able to continue living?"
"My life depends on these pills," he said, staring at the bamboo case that held the pill in, "If Daemok was gone, if there is no cure…if I can't get over this addiction…there might be a day where I wouldn't be able to take these pills anymore."
It was almost like dying from a disease. Maybe someone would manage to create a cure, but he didn't want to hope because he was afraid of being disappointed. If his days were numbered, he wanted to spend his last days with his family.
"I will search anywhere for the pills so you can live," Hyunseok said earnestly, making Lee Sun smile. A smile came so rarely these days. But every time he smiled, it was because of Hyunseok, whether it was because something he said or because the news he brought.
"I don't know what to do after all of this is over."
"He promised you a position by his side, I am sure you will do well by his side."
Lee Sun sighed, unsure about that. Honestly, it wasn't only because of the pills. He also wondered how he would be regarded as later. He could be a fighter for the Crown Prince, but he could also be a traitor. After all, he helped Daemok rule Joseon, even if it was by force. There was still a chance of him being executed for acting as a King, for committing treasons.
"I don't think I want to stay here anymore," he said. If it was five years ago, he would take any position in the palace wholeheartedly. But after living there in suffocation for years, he had to think it over. "Maybe I will just go back to my family. Or take on an adventure maybe? I have been stuck in this palace for years, I miss the outside world."
"Wherever you go, I will follow you."
Lee Sun laughed. Sometimes, he wondered why Hyunseok was so devoted to him, why he believed in him when he barely did anything worthy of Hyunseok's devotion. But after being alone for years, it just felt so nice to have Hyunseok by his side.
"Why would you do that?" Lee Sun wondered, "After this is over, I won't be the King anymore, you won't have any obligations to stand by me and protect me."
"You won't be the King anymore, but you will be a friend that I had sworn to protect," Hyunseok said, making Lee Sun's heart ache. A friend. He had a friend.
"I don't deserve you." He said. "Thank you, for being by my side all this time. I won't be able to continue living, if you aren't here."
After all, Hyunseok did save his life.
Hyunseok smiled at him and said, "It's nothing."
(Much later, he would find out that Hyunseok was not on his side after all.
He never thought his heart could be more broken than it already was.)
"Let's work together, and both of us can get what we both want," He said, to the Queen Dowager.
"Help me become a real King, and I will help you do anything you want." He said, to Daemok.
He knew that he had started playing a dangerous game. He knew that all of this might ended with him being on a chopping block, but he didn't know what else he could do to be of use; so he wouldn't just be a puppet King anymore. He was tired, of doing nothing for all these years. He had thought about it a lot and in the end, he realized, that the only way he could do something was to join the game, get to know all the sides in this game, and study their plans before using those plans to destroy them.
He wanted to make everyone suffer. Even the Crown Prince had betrayed him, now, so he didn't have any side to be on, other than his own side. He was sick of all the things he had to go through, so now he finally started to let go of all the fears he had been feeling, and took the risks.
He was already on a burning and lonely road. Going back or walking forward, it was the same.
He would still get burned, anyway.
He stared at Gaeun, staring at her for what might be the last time, before he let go of her. As he continued to stare at her, he couldn't help but wonder, "Why do I have no one by my side? Not even you."
He was angry. He was sad. He was devastated, knowing that no one was really on his side. Everyone was either on Daemok's side, the Queen Dowager's side, or the Crown Prince's side. Even if he joined the Crown Prince's side, he would still be only a pawn in their games, something that he was already sick of. He knew now that the Crown Prince never betrayed him, but in the end, their relationship was not what it used to be.
"Lee Sun-ah…"
"Even the person who I thought was by my side had been deceiving me all this time." He said, tears threatening to come out again. He still couldn't believe it, couldn't believe that all this time he had been played by someone he trusted the most.
"What happened?" Gaeun softly asked, "Are you okay?"
No, he was not okay. He just wanted to be happy, but why was it so hard?
"Do I have a place in your life?" Lee Sun asked her instead of answering her question. It was something that he had been wondering about, a thought that he tried to suppress but kept showing up in his mind, "Or was I so insignificant you couldn't even recognize me?"
Gaeun took his hand and stared at him, and he started to realize that Gaeun and Sun looked at him in the same way. Sadness and guilt.
"You are my friend." Gaeun said, trying to sound earnest, "I'm sorry that I can't love you the way you want me to, but you are still a precious person for me."
"Those sound like empty words," He said. Even though Gaeun was sincere, he had lost the ability to believe in people's words. "Thank you anyway. You gave me hope that I could be more than I thought, and you took care of my family when I was away."
"It's the least I could do."
He lets go of her hands.
"I hope you will be happy." Lee Sun said, sincerely. Gaeun suffered a lot, too, and he had a hand in that. He should let her become happy and stop holding her back. So now, he was sending her to a safer place, away from the palace, where things were about to become extremely messy because of him. "Stay safe. I hope we will meet again in a better situation."
Gaeun's eyes widened, "What are you going to do now?"
"I want to kill everyone." He answered honestly, the coldness back in his voice as he smiled bitterly, "I want to make them suffer for making me suffer."
"Don't do that." Gaeun said, eyes pleading, "It's not worth it."
"Why? Why can't I do it?" Lee Sun wondered, and then he realized, "If you're worried about the Crown Prince, don't worry, I will let him take his position again and maybe you will become his queen."
He tried to dampen his hope that Gaeun was worried about him. He didn't want to go back to doing nothing. He really wanted to destroy everyone.
"It's not that!" Gaeun said, but he refused to listen.
He turned his back.
"Goodbye."
This was what he planned: he would make Pyunsoohwe and the Palace fight on their own; make them kill each other without him lifting a finger, make them and forgot about his existence
And then he would run away, leaving the palace and all the mess behind, starting to live for himself instead of becoming a pawn of everyone else's games.
He would take his family away and live quietly until the day he died, no matter how short his life span was.
He would be happy.
(If only he could do all of that.)