Well if I've gotta tell you again all about my goddam miserable bouts of depression that were supposed to have gone away twenty years ago, I guess I should start with the latest news. You keep telling me it's common that rain makes me blue, that the sun makes me feel happy; that most people who had teen depression feel these symptoms, you also say it's normal to develop bipolar disorder, but I don't think this is normal. This perverted energy that I have never felt before, not even as a child has followed me since this morning, I haven't even been home.
That's where I want to start, this morning. I woke up expecting to feel so goddam blue that getting up would be a hassle, but I had so much energy I could have knocked Muhammad Ali straight on his ass. My wife, Geraldine, sure was surprised when she saw me sitting at the breakfast table this morning. You really should see the breakfast table sometime. It's a beauty, dating all the way back to the Victorian times. Fifteen people could eat there at the same time if they really wanted to. The table makes me depressed sometimes; I like to think about how many people have sat there, and how they're all dead now. They're all rotting in their coffins dressed to the nines in their big poofy dresses, or frock coats while we eat like madmen on their favorite table.
Anyways, that type of stuff could make anyone upset, but that morning it didn't phase me at all. Nothing could bring me down that day, I was buzzing with unnaturally happy energy as I sat at the table with my daughters, Brenda and Kelly. They're teenagers now, you know. I keep expecting them to get real sad about losing their innocence and all that. Brenda is the same age I was when I became sick, but she seems way too preoccupied with her senior year privileges and prom to even think about everything she is losing. Sometimes I want to remind her of what I went through to keep her innocent for as long as possible, shake her silly until she becomes the girl who reminded me of everything I wish I could have back. I tried to get all of my children to listen to the song 'The Catcher in the Rye' but they were all too interested in The Beatles, Led Zeppelin or The Carpenters to even think about what that song meant to me. Brenda is always looking so happy about becoming an adult. She looks so incredibly excited about going to college next year that I don't even have the heart to crush her confidence and make her innocent again. This way she can be happy, at least one of us Caulfields deserves to be.
I do a lot of things to make people happy these days, I figure if I can find ways for other people to be cheerful I'll eventually find a way for me. I'll tell you something though; I sure didn't expect it to make old Geri so happy when I do something for the kids. Take the other day when I took my son Daniel up into the attic and gave him my old red hunting hat. He was so happy because it reminded him of Elmer Fudd. Good old Danny has worn the hat every single day since; he even brought it into his second grade class for show and tell.
It's creepy, really, how much Danny looks like Allie. He has this shocking red hair that almost matches the hunting hat; he's even left-handed like Allie. Sometimes, if I see him playing ball in the yard and I squint really hard I think he is Allie. But that doesn't happen often. Once he starts talking it's obvious he's nothing like Allie. His personality is unmistakably Phoebe. Danny always tries to act much older than he is. The things he says just kill you. Geri calls him precocious, but I just laugh and laugh. Sometimes he's the only one who can make me laugh.
Anyways, I don't get up in time for breakfast very often. Everyone was very surprised, happy even, to see me eating with them. Kelly had a field trip to the museum of science she was very keen to get to though, so she didn't stay very long. She's good at those kinds of things, math and science and the like I mean. I'll never understand it. Science museums always go and goddam change on you. It's because those sonuvabitch scientists can never let a good thing be, always have to discover. It makes Kelly real happy though, that new information. She wants to be an astronaut. Geri's always asking her how a freshman in High School could possibly know what they want to be when they grow up. But I think it's a charming goal; one of the things I like best about Kelly is that she always reaches for the stars. She's like D.B. that way, except she would never sell out and go to the moon for fame, she would go in the name of science. Geri and I raised all our kids like that; phoniness was never encouraged in our house.
It was just after Kelly had run out the door that Danny stumbled downstairs in his flannel pajamas and my hunting cap. "Be vewwy, vewwy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits!"
That killed me. Danny's been saying everything like Elmer Fudd since he put on the hat. Giving him that hat is one of the best choices I've made. He gets funnier and funnier the longer he wears it.
"Oh honestly, Danny, please take off the hat and act like yourself at breakfast," Geri scolded him as she spooned scrambled eggs onto his plate.
Danny ignored her. "I've got a waging fever. I weally can't go to school today," he claimed. It's funny how habits can pass from parent to child. Take lying. I do it, so my kids think its okay. Geri is sterner about it than I am. She thinks lying is a form of phoniness, but I never understand what she means when she says things like that. I usually just humor them.
"Come to work with me then," I offered. Danny made a face at that.
"I'm better now," Danny choked out around a mouthful of eggs. On a normal day that would have made me sad, but I just felt so happy. My son not wanting to spend time with me couldn't even bring me down.
"That's what I thought, you big phony. Now, go get dressed so Brenda can walk you down to the elementary school," Geri said as she pulled Danny off his chair and pushed him in the direction of the stairs. One of the things I love most about Geri is her eye for all things phony. She can spot someone acting fake a mile away; she has even called me out on it. That really kills the kids, when Geri calls me phony. Brenda once said I deserved it after I gave her a big speech about how make-up was hiding who she really was. She wore it to spite me. Kids do that a lot. Anyways, I had never met another person besides me that hated phony people until I met Geri. She always says what she means.
"Shouldn't you be going too, Dad?" That was the first time Brenda spoke up this morning. She hasn't been very talkative ever since she started her senior year. Geri says she was the same way as a senior, too cool for her parents. I wouldn't know, seeing as I spent my senior year at a boarding school for troubled boys. I didn't forgive my parents for that one until after I was married. It was Geri who made me do it; she said that Brenda deserved her grandparents.
"Oh, yes I should. I have some really important things happening at work today," I lied. That is one habit I have never managed to kick, lying. The truth of the matter is that nothing important ever happens at work. I'm an editor for a law journal, you see. More specifically, I'm an editor for my father's law journal. He offered me the job after I graduated college as a peace offering. I accepted it, even though I was still angry at him.
The reason for that was because I had no real goal. Sometimes psychoanalysts tell me that it's a symptom of depression, being disinterested in just about everything. But I don't think many people ever know what they want to do. Brenda has been changing her major almost daily since she was accepted into Rutgers and she is definitely not depressed. Kelly is an exception I think, most people have no idea what they really want to spend the rest of their lives doing. That's why I ended up checking over my father's comma splices and spelling errors for a living. For the simple reason that I truly had nothing else I'd like to do instead.
On a normal morning, I would have packed up my briefcase and got into my car at this point. But because of my abnormal good mood I simply left. I got in my car and drove down the road with absolutely no intention of going to work. We live in Hoboken and on an average workday I would cross the George Washington Bridge and head straight to work without so much as a detour for coffee. But I must have been feeling real reminiscent 'cause I headed over to where the old Edmont Hotel would have been if it still existed.
I never quite got around to finding out what became of that goddam hotel until today. I think that somewhere in my mind I was hoping that it would still be there. That I would walk in and there would be this very old guy standing by the lift. He'd be talking, all quiet and suspicious-like, to some young teenager and I'd walk over and say, "Hey kid, never make a deal with this old coot for a woman, trust me," Then old Maurice would turn around and he'd know it was me right off the bat. I think he might even take a swing at me, for making him lose money and all that rot. Very serious about money, Maurice was. I imagine old Sunny would come out of the lift then, still wearing that green dress and looking quite out of date. I would have loved for all that to happen, I think.
But none of it did, as it turned out it became a boutique that old Phoebe would have loved to go to. Very eccentric type stuff. While I was there I ran into Carl Luce, of all the people! I hadn't seen that goddam sonuvabitch in a good twenty-five years and then there he was, looking at a lava lamp for his son's fifteenth birthday before he went to work. I was a bit surprised he had even managed to have kids actually, considering how flitty he used to be. He invited me to meet him at his work and go out with him at eleven for lunch break. I said I'd think about it and left. I had no intention of going really; I thought it was fitting after all these years to make him be the one wanting and waiting for my company. It was a brilliant idea really; my great mood has made me smarter than Luce, I even got the last word in.
Anyways, I decided to head over to Central Park and see how the ducks in the lagoon were doing. It was spring and I'll admit I was sort of anxious to see them back where they belong. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking the ducks that will be there this year are the exact same group that was there last year. But I know they're not really. It's all a cycle, I learned all about ducks in college. I took all of these biology classes that didn't even go towards my English major. My parents had a fit, they did. I did it because I wanted to learn about the ducks. Turns out they mate and have baby ducks in the warm weather before they come back up here in the spring. They do that every single year! I think it would be nice being a duck. Then I would know exactly what would happen at all times, my schedule would be set in stone. There's no change in a ducks life.
Anyways, I think I had sat on a bench looking at the ducks for about ten minutes before I started to run. I don't know what got into me but I had all this energy, I felt on top of the world! I really don't know what got into me when I did that. I've never been fit like those runners, but I ran around that pond a good eighty times. While I was running around, these two ducklings that were exploring the park apart from their mother for the first time reminded me of when Geri and I brought the girls to Disney World. It was ten years ago, Brenda was seven and Kelly turned four while we were there. I remember that entire trip like it happened yesterday. Geri and I thought the girls would be afraid of all the big roller coasters so we stuck to rides like 'It's a Small World' and Walt Disney's Carousel of Progress. The Carousel of progress is my least favorite ride, by the way. It is the strangest topic for a ride. All about how the world is always changing for the better. Geri loves it though, very into technology. She told me she was thinking of buying one of those personal computer things the scientists are always talking about when they go on sale. It's a silly idea, I think. Who would ever want to sit at one of those screens all day long?
Anyways, we did our best to keep the girls happy at Disney World. So we were pretty shocked when little Kelly bolted towards the Big Thunder Railroad, screaming "I wanna go on that one, Daddy!" Boy was I surprised, my little girls wanting to do what the big kids did. I'm always taken aback when my kids do things like that, every single time. It's one of the worst feelings the world, I'll tell you. That's why I felt bad for the mother duck when I saw her running after her babies. It reminded me of running after Kelly.
When I left the park I didn't even feel tired, even though I usually take a nap at every day instead of eating lunch. Today though I was really hungry so I went over to Murray Hill, where Phoebe lives with her twin boys; Tim and Toby. Phoebe is a real free-spirit. She's the biggest feminist you'll ever meet too, which can get annoying on some girls, but not Phoebe. Phoebe could make anything seem likable. The reason why I wanted to go to Phoebe's was because I really wanted to share my good mood with someone. Phoebe can always tell what mood I'm in and how to react. She's the best like that.
When I got to her building I rang the buzzer twelve times. I was just excited I suppose, but boy did that tick Phoebe off. You should have heard her grumbling about delivery boys, I never tell her that it's me who's coming up. I like to surprise her, it makes her act childish. She opened the door carelessly expecting Chinese food, I guess, but her entire face lit up when she saw it was me. "Holden!" She screamed and threw her arms around my neck. "How are you feeling?" She asked, genuinely concerned and all. She's a real genuine person, Phoebe is.
"I feel real good Phoebe, you have no idea how much better I feel seemingly overnight. It's like someone flipped a switch in my head, and my whole body decided it was opposite day,"
"Wow, you sound happy. Come in, Come in. Sit down; I just made tea and cookies," Phoebe's funny like that, she always gets so passionate and angry when she hears of other women spending all their time in the kitchen serving their husbands and children but she does it all the time and doesn't even bat an eye.
"Thanks Phoebs, you always know just what I need," I told her as I grabbed a cookie and took a seat at her table. That was kind of hard though because Tim's introductory algebra textbook and half-done math homework were taking up the entire table.
"Well it was easy when I was eight and it's even easier now that I'm raising two boys that remind me so much of you at their age I just want to throw myself out that window over there sometimes,"
"How are the boys?" I asked, all polite. Sometimes Phoebe likes to talk about herself before she'll let you talk.
"Oh, they're the boys. Toby won a poetry competition last week. I tried to invite you to his reading but Geri said you hadn't gotten out of bed that day so you probably wouldn't be up to going," That's her way of getting me to talk, mentioning me at the end after she's said everything she wants to.
"Yea, I really wasn't feeling all too good until this morning. It was real rough. I'll tell you, some days-"
"And Timothy is hardly doing anything at all. Just look at the table! I'll bet you anything he didn't even head towards school today when he left the house. Raising two sons all alone is a hassle. But god, could you imagine what would happen if I had a husband? Complete chaos that's what!" That just kills me, when Phoebe insults me without even realizing it. Phoebe's one of the realest people I've eve met.
"So Holden, what's new with you?"
"Well, I'm feeling real good Phoebe. I have all this energy, I even ran! I never run, never even ran when I was all young and fit and stuff. Some real weird things have been happening; I didn't even feel tired today. I just feel great, every idea I have come up with today is brilliant, just brilliant! I skipped work, you know. Just didn't show. I bet you Dad'll be mad but I don't even care. I couldn't waste this beautiful day behind a desk!"
"You do seem…different, I'm surprised I didn't see it before actually. You're usually so sad, when you visit. It's like you come over here for the sole reason of bitching and moaning. But today, I mean wow, you're friggin' Mr. Rogers!" Phoebe does that a lot when something surprises her. She uses swear words like they're going out of style.
Anyways, Phoebe and I chewed the rag for a bit and then we chewed some lunch for a bit. Then I headed out. I felt even better than before and it was only two in the afternoon. I had the entire day ahead of me. Well, the entire day until this appointment. The funny thing is I don't really mind these appointments, kind of like them really. Sometimes I have so much to say, but then so does everybody else. Back before Brenda got all quiet, boy could that girl talk your ear off. Useful times, these are.
So what I decided to do before this appointment was to head over to the museum of science that Kelly was at. That was how good of a mood I was in. I was willing to go to that goddam changes trap. The strangest thing happened on my drive there though. I saw the record shop where I bought Phoebe her gift all those years ago, the same exact one. I'm not kidding.
So of course I pulled into this really tight parallel parking spot right away. I've always liked parallel parking, it's calming. Very methodic. In any case, it's not like Kelly would have really wanted to see me on her class field trip. I always forget that they're teenagers. They don't really like it when dear old dad shows up anymore. That usually makes me sad, but as I said, not today.
Anyways, I walked in the record shop and I swear it was like I had never left. My god they even had Ella Fitzgerald, Bing Crosby and Perry Como instead of that stuff the girls are always listening to. It was like I head stepped into a time machine. It was the most relaxing part of this entire day. I bought a few Perry Como records and chewed the fat with the owner for a while before I headed over here.
I think it's about time for me to go now, I mean I could tell you all about what happened on my way over here. I could even tell you all about how my father is going to react when he calls me tonight about skipping work. Hell, I could even tell you about my mother joining the red hat club if I really wanted. I pay you to sit and listen for chrissake. But I really should get going. Geri is always yelling at me to buck up and take responsibility for my actions. Usually I just ignore her but, god, there's something about today.
So I tried to write an epilogue to The Catcher in the Rye around twenty five years after the novel closes. It woud be nice to see how I did! Especially as far as voice goes...