Summary: a missing scene from Dr Bashir, I Presume
Author's note: This story started out life as a scene in my longer story, The Manipulation of Julian Bashir. It didn't make it into the final version as it is written from O'Brien's point of view, which meant that it didn't fit.
This piece has been languishing on my hard drive for at least two years. I've dusted it off a few times, but I haven't been happy enough with it to post...until now. I'm still not very happy, but I'm resigned to the idea that it isn't going to get any better. So... Here you go.
-=0=-
AFTER THE DISCOVERY
Miles lay on his back, eyes wide open and sleep elusive. Beside Miles, Keiko breathed slowly and softly. Peacefully. Miles envied her that peace.
He stared up at the bedroom ceiling, unable to get images of Julian out of his mind.
Julian confessing the darkest of secrets to him.
Julian wallowing in self-hatred.
Julian looking impossibly sad when he had asked Miles to leave him alone.
Miles had done what Julian had asked; he had left. But now, hours later, he wondered for the umpteenth time whether he had done the right thing. Had Julian meant what he'd said? Had he really wanted to be alone, or had he not known that he could have asked Miles to stay?
A noise from the crib across the room interrupted Miles's circling thoughts. There was a rustle of fabric rubbing against fabric as Kirayoshi moved, and then there was a small, but crescendoing, whimper. Miles knew that soon Kirayoshi would begin to cry.
Miles flicked back the bed cover and swung his legs over the side of the bed, pulling himself into a sitting position. He shrugged and stretched to ease some stiffness out of his shoulders and neck and stood up. Barefoot, he padded across the room and lifted Kirayoshi into his arms. Kirayoshi grizzled a little then calmed. Across the room, Keiko's breathing was still slow and even. Miles was pleased that Kirayoshi had only woken one of them.
"You just wanted to be held, did you?" murmured Miles. "Thought it was worth getting me out of bed just for a good ol' O'Brien hug, did you?"
As Miles rocked him, Kirayoshi gurgled and closed his eyes.
After a while, Miles put him back in the crib, mentally crossing his fingers that Kirayoshi would settle rather than demanding to be picked up again.
But, even after reassuring himself that Kirayoshi had settled, Miles couldn't bring himself to go back to bed. Instead, Miles crouched down next to the crib and put his fingers through the bars so that he could touch Kirayoshi's hand. He smiled as Kirayoshi grasped his index finger.
Did Kirayoshi have any real grasp of the notion that Miles was still there, or was it just blind instinct that made him hold on so tightly? Could Kirayoshi have any idea just how much comfort his father was drawing from his presence?
Miles wondered what the future held for the boy. Maybe he'd grow up to be a genius, but most likely he wouldn't. Miles didn't care. All he cared about was making sure that Kirayoshi was happy and knew that he was loved.
His heart swelled as he smiled at his son.
Miles loved him and accepted him just the way he was, and Miles would continue to love and accept him no matter how he turned out. Miles wouldn't change a single thing about him. He wanted to watch Kirayoshi grow up into the adult he was meant to be and Miles wanted to be there, to share the adventure with him, every step of the way.
Then Miles's smile faded, and he felt a single tear tracking down his face as he thought of another little boy who hadn't been loved enough – or maybe had been loved too much – and the man he'd subsequently become: brilliant; caring; compassionate; dedicated. Julian Bashir was all those things, but he was also full of shame and self-loathing in a way Miles had never before realised.
"Miles?"
Keiko's quiet voice and the gentle hand she placed upon his shoulder startled Miles and dragged him back to the present where Kirayoshi had lost interest in Mile's finger and had moved on to trying to fit his tiny fist into his mouth.
Keiko satisfied herself that Kirayoshi was happy and comfortable, then she crouched down next to Miles.
"Miles?" Keiko said again. "What's wrong?"
Miles shook his head. "He's beautiful, isn't he?"
"Yes."
"Perfect."
"Yes." She cocked her head to one side, frowned for a second, then asked, "And that makes you sad?"
"No, of course not. But..." Miles straightened and turned away. "I… Something happened today."
"Something… bad?"
"Yes. And I don't think I handled it very well." He felt Keiko's hand rest on his shoulder again, and he twisted his head so that he could look at her out of the corner of his eye. "It's Julian."
Keiko sighed. "I know you've been worried about him since he came back from that Dominion prison…"
"Yes, but… This is something else."
"Something else?"
Could he tell her? Should he tell her? It wasn't his secret, but then it wasn't exactly as secret any longer, was it? And he needed to talk to someone. "I found something out today, and it'll be all over the station soon enough."
Miles walked over to the window and stared out at the stars. He didn't know where or how to begin. Then, when he felt Keiko's fingers twine with his own, he turned to look at her. Her eyes were kind and dark and gentle, and her expression was worried.
"Miles? What is it? You're beginning to scare me."
He shook his head. He didn't want to worry her. And, honestly, there was nothing for her to be worried about. The only person who needed to be worried was Julian...and that wasn't fair, because Julian hadn't done anything wrong, had he?
Well, technically he had, but it wasn't his fault. He'd only been trying to survive.
Miles swallowed, straightened his shoulders, and said, "Julian is going to resign. From Starfleet."
Keiko frowned. "I thought Julian loved Starfleet."
"He does."
"Then...why?"
"He..." Miles trailed into silence. Then he gathered Keiko into his arms and held on, drawing all the comfort that he could from her. "God, Keiko! It's all such a mess!"
"What is?"
"Julian... His parents... You know, I'd wondered about them sometimes, because he never mentioned them."
"What, never?" said Keiko.
"Never," agreed Miles. "Well, not until tonight, anyway. And, you know Julian... He talks about everything. At length."
"But he never talked to you about his family?" said Keiko doubtfully.
"No," agreed Miles.
"His parents are on the station now, though," said Keiko invitingly.
"Yes. And Julian was furious with Dr Zimmerman for inviting them here. He had asked Zimmerman to keep them out of the project."
"Why?" asked Keiko.
"Because... Well, it's pretty obvious that they don't get on."
"That doesn't explain why Julian would want to resign, though."
"Julian doesn't want to resign," said Miles. "But he doesn't think he has any choice."
"And does he? Have a choice, I mean," said Keiko.
"I...don't know."
Miles felt Keiko pull on his hand. He followed her over to their bed, where she made him sit down on the mattress, next to her.
"Miles...tell me what's bothering you. From the beginning."
Slowly, he nodded. "We—Dr Zimmerman and I—were in the lab, working on the LMH, when Julian's parents stopped by. They mistook the hologram for the real thing and... Well. Zimmerman thought it would be a good test for the programme, so we let them talk." He shook his head. "I should have stopped it, but it was kind of funny, and I thought... I didn't know... I mean, how could I have known?"
"Known what?"
"Why Julian doesn't get on with his parents. That they were going to talk about the most devastatingly...personal...secret. Keiko, it was awful! To find out that way that Julian is... And Zimmerman... If Julian doesn't resign, then Zimmerman will use it against him. He's going to file a report, and Julian's career will be over anyway, and—"
"Miles. Slow down. You're not making any sense. You and Zimmerman overheard something... What?"
"Julian... He's... His parents..."
Suddenly all the horror and disgust that he hadn't felt earlier hit him full force. Not disgust at Julian, no. Because that would be so very grossly unfair, but disgust at what had been done to him. Disgust at Julian's parents for the ultimate betrayal of not being able to love the child that they had been given.
Miles took a deep breath and forced himself to be calm. In a voice that felt as though it didn't belong to him, he said, "Tell me, Keiko. What would you do, if you found out that Kirayoshi was...slow?"
"But he's not. Julian has checked him out. Yoshi's fine."
"Humour me. Say we had another child, and there was something...wrong...with him. Or her. Wouldn't you love them anyway?"
"Of course I would!"
"You wouldn't want to...change them? Make them...better?"
"Change them how? Miles, what are you talking about?"
"Genetic engineering," whispered Miles, and suddenly, now that the words were out, he felt lighter. Almost light-headed.
"Miles!" cried Keiko, appalled. She glanced across at Kirayoshi, but her exclamation hadn't disturbed him. Intensely, she whispered, "That's disgusting!"
"I know."
"And illegal. Julian would never countenance... Would he?" Keiko stared at Miles, wide-eyed. "Are you suggesting that Julian... No. Not Julian. Tell me Julian wouldn't do that!"
"He didn't."
"Then who?"
"His parents."
Keiko's jaw dropped and she stared at Miles in wide-eyed horror.
"Genetically enhanced people aren't allowed to join Starfleet. Or to practice medicine," Miles said, the cadence of his words mimicking Julian's earlier self-loathing bitterness.
"Oh. My. God. You're telling me that Julian is...is..."
Just has Miles had earlier, Keiko failed to find the words she needed.
The word you are looking for is unnatural. Freak or monster would also be acceptable. The memory of Julian's words echoed in Miles's head. He stared at Keiko and he nodded.
"Oh..." she whispered. They sat in silence for a while before Keiko said softly, sounding as though she was testing the idea on for size. "So...you're worried about him."
Miles wondered why she sounded so confused. Then again, she didn't know Julian as well as he did. She hadn't seen him earlier. She hadn't heard the anguished words he'd used or the way he'd let the truth pour out. "He called himself unnatural, Keiko. Said he was a freak. It was...horrible to listen to. And then he asked me to go away. Said he wanted to be alone. I didn't think that was a good idea, but I left anyway."
"He asked you to," said Keiko. Miles suspected that she was trying to reassure him, but he didn't feel reassured. He felt guilty, and the only thing he was sure of was that he'd let his friend down.
Miles had managed to keep his cool during the conversation he'd had with Julian, though goodness knew how he'd managed that, because he'd felt anything but. Thus, when Julian had asked to be left alone, Miles had wanted to get away. He'd wanted to run from the stifling atmosphere. He'd wanted—needed—to process.
Now, though, he felt ashamed of himself, and his shame blended with concern, and he knew that he had to go back.
He pulled away from Keiko and quickly began to gather up, and throw on, some clothes. His fingers tangled as he rushed to do up the fastenings on his shirt.
"Miles?" asked Keiko. "What are you doing?"
"I need to see him," Miles said. "I need to make sure that he's all right."
"But, Miles—" protested Keiko, but he didn't hear the rest of her protestation because he was already out of the door.
Miles hurried through the corridors of the habitat ring. By the time he reached Julian's quarters, he was breathing heavily and his heart was pounding. He suspected, though, that his pulse rate had more to do with adrenaline than it had to do with his impromptu nocturnal run.
Miles leaned on the door chime for longer than was polite.
No answer.
He leaned again and, this time, as well as letting the chime sound, he pounded on the door with a balled up fist and shouted, "C'mon, Julian. Open up! It's me!"
Still no answer.
Belatedly, Miles thought to talk to the computer, and he asked where Julian was.
"Dr Julian Bashir is not in his quarters," answered the computer unhelpfully.
"Well, then, where is he?"
"Dr Julian Bashir is in the infirmary."
Miles nodded to himself, and moved off again, this time at a more sustainable pace. Of course Julian would be in the infirmary. Miles found himself smiling at the predictability of his friend. Of course diligent Julian would retreat there in times of trouble, and would make sure everything was perfect before he was forced to leave.
Of course.
But, when Miles arrived, the duty nurse told him the Julian had been and gone, and when Miles tried talking to the computer again, he found that Julian had switched off the location finder on his commbadge.
Miles sighed. Julian didn't want to be found, and Miles didn't want to go back to bed.
Not yet.
He would keep looking until he knew for certain that Julian was all right.