The Clone Wars tore the galaxy apart. Thousands upon thousands of planets were turned into battlefields, cities smashed, fields burned, and populations turned into soldiers and victims. Trillions upon trillions of droids and clones clashed. Trillions because no one was fucking stupid enough to fight a galactic level war with just two hundred thousand soldiers. Jedi and Sith were at the head of this spiral into madness, and in order to survive, one would need grit, courage, skill, and all the luck in the galaxy.
Or, you know, they could grab their mom's wallet and run up the credit card bill, because loot boxes are a thing.
Obi-Wan Kenobi felt rather sour as he sat with his Padawan turned Jedi Knight sat at a table on one of the countless planets the Clone Wars. Outside, countless soldiers and machines were trading fire as the planetary capital was under siege. And they were sitting in a tent opening loot boxes.
"I'm starting to think Snipes had a point," Anakin grumbled as he emptied the contents of another one onto the table. Another emote and more duplicates. "First it was just we had to save up to buy this stuff, now it's getting out of hand. Is the Jedi Council really ok with it?"
"Yesterday, our entire assault fell apart because of Darth Maul. Three of him. The Confederacy was apparently willing to spend a little bit more than we were, and now we need to play catch up if we don't want to get buried underneath a pile of them. I mean, what have we gotten so far?"
"The kids I apparently have," Anakin said, opening another loot box. "An upgrade for the thermal detonator. For the fifth time," he said glumly.
"And that's all well and good, but we got them on the steady drip feed. They're the only ones we have, because we were getting them the "normal" way. We weren't delving into the Republic's treasury for more boxes. The Confederacy was. And now Jango's son is flying around, completely invincible while he's in the air, strafing our soldiers, and there's nothing we can do about it."
"Call me crazy, I don't think he's supposed to be doing that," Anakin said, emptying out yet another box. "Well, this reduces the cooldown time for abilities on my starfighter. That'd be handy if we were actually in space having a dogfight, but at the moment, it's a little bit useless."
"Anakin, I don't like it anymore than you do, but at the moment, we have to make due in order to keep the Republic alive. Hold on, I have a good feeling about this one." PIcking up one of the hundreds of lootboxes they had bought, Obi-Wan flicked it open and turned it over. A pale, green creature came tumbling out, crude iron armor and a curved sword in his hand.
"I is Bagga, skull breaker," the thing hissed, getting to its feet. "I once served the Dark Lord Sauron, but now I will...wait a tic." He looked around. "Oh bugger my ass, I'm in the wrong game."
"My bad, my bad," a brown skinned orc walked into the tent, constantly rubbing its hands together so fast that it didn't seem to be able to stop. It snapped its fingers and the first orc disappeared. "Been expanding outwards recently, got me inventory a little mixed up. Anyway, you've been buying a lot of me inventory, so I wants ta over yous a deal."
The orcs hands rubbed together faster and faster, to the point where a little bit of steam started leaking out from between his palms. Both Obi-Wan and Anakin eyed the creature with a mixture of disdain and mistrust. It was probably the money bags visible just outside labeled "EA's swag" and "WB's swag." Along with a third bag labeled "money so that Disney doesn't put their boot up my ass." "What kind of deal?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Well, I likes you guys, and I wants you to feel like valued customers." A spark flew from his hands the were rubbing together so hard, and Anakin kicked over a loot box that had given him Greedo of all people. Seriously, Greedo was a hero in the first Battlefront game, EA and Dice must've been fucking high. Then again so was that weird fish guy that sat next to Lando in the Millennium Falcon's cockpit. You don't even know his name, do you? No, you can't freaking Google it.
"So I has something special for you," he said. Turning around, he pulled in a thick, black, metal loot box. He somehow did this without his hands ever coming apart. "I'll sells ya this for 75% off! A 60,000 credit deal. Only 15,000."
"And I supposed it's a coincidence that the complimentary credits we were getting took a 75% nosedive yesterday?" Obi-Wan asked, eyebrow raised.
"Total coincidence, no idea what happened there," the orc said, very unconvincingly. "Good deal here this. 15,000 credits. Gonna turn the whole war around. You're taking advantage of me, really." The orc's hands were a blur, sparks shooting off rapidly. "Come now, war not going so well out there. You need what I have."
"Somehow I doubt that," Anakin said, eyeing the "swag" bags with a measure of distaste. "Besides, we've already spent who knows how much on the rest of these loot boxes, and we've barely got anything to show for it. The Separatists are still holding the field, even winning the day. My children time traveled from the future-"
"Your son very busy killing beetles, yes," the orc said, rolling his eyes. Yes, Luke was very busy killing beetles in a generic plot that follows every beat of every single story that follows an Imperial soldier. Seriously, the main character of Battlefront 2 joins the Rebellion just like every other character has. People already hated this game for a lot of reasons, and that was just the unoriginal cherry on top of the shit sunday. Maybe someone can send EA a copy of Star Wars: TIE Fighter. I've never played it (apparently it doesn't work well without a joystick) but it's a classic, and the main character there stays with the Empire till the freaking end. Maybe, just maybe, in a campaign that centers around the bad guy, people who are interested in it want to play as the BAD GUY! Wait, shit, I'm supposed to be telling a story here. Uh, where were we again?
"Beetles? What are you even-anyway, that's not the point. Your lootboxes, whatever they are, are bending the laws of time to give us advantages, and it still isn't enough." Anakin's eyes narrowed. "You're selling them to the Separatists too, aren't you?"
"What? Why would I-" the orc began, but Obi-Wan cut him off.
"Oh, of course, Anakin was out of line there," he said sarcastically. "The Separatists were just happening to work on those clones of Darth Maul, and they came around just around the time you showed up with your time traveling cash in crates." He rolled his eyes. "Come now, do you think we Jedi are stupid?"
"To be fair, he has gotten us to buy all of this," Anakin said, gesturing to the dozens of empty loot boxes lying on the ground. "And can you stop rubbing your hands together? That's going to be part of our price." The orc's hands stopped. Smoking was coming off of them, and every second they stayed still seemed to be causing him agony. "Right. I don't suppose we have much of a choice," Anakin said grumpling, handing over a credit chit to the orc. "You know, I kind of get the feeling you look like a racist caricature of someone. Something's wrong with you."
The orc ignored him, gleefully taking the chit. "Many thanks, you have your box now." Pressing a button on the side, the loot box slammed open, and steam began to pour out. The Imperial March began to play from speakers on the side. Except, instead of being an impressive fanfare, it sounded like a bootleg version that had been run over two or three times by a truck. Slowly, ever so slowly, a figure began to lean out of the box. A low, raspy breathing echoed through the room and-it's Vader, ok? You all knew it was Vader the second the orc dragged in the box.
So yeah, Vader slowly sat up in the box, because the biggest badass in sci-fi has a price tag so that EA can grease their palms. Forty fucking hours to play as Vader. "Forty hours?" Vader said coldly, glaring at the orc.
"Ah, you see, it's an achievement," the orc said happily, starting to rub his hands together again. "You're like the Dark Lord Sauron himself. People who want you have got to feel like they've earned you, that makes it all the sweeter."
"The fact that you profit off of it is just another coincidence I imagine," Obi-Wan said.
"I was bought for 15,000 credits?" Vader said, his voice dangerously low. "A price that pathetically low was placed on my head? And you sell me to my younger self?"
"I beg your pardon?" Anakin said.
"Long story," Vader said. "You've met our children, get it from them." Vader slowly got out of the box, grunting in annoyance at the bootleg version of Imperial March, which was somehow getting worse every second. With a flash, his lightsaber ignited and slashed at the box, mercifully killing the song after one last, painfully off tone note. He stepped forward, the point of his blood red lightsaber hovering an inch away from the orc merchant's heart. "You meant to sell me like cattle?"
"Meant? Nah. Meant is past term, I gots the money right here," the merchant, gleefully holding up his credit chit. "Gonna use this to hire some more orcs. Gotta get back to Mordor and sell more boys to that-" the orc was cut off as Vader's lightsaber expertly tore through the chit. "Ah-ahhhhhhhhh. Why'd you do that?"
"Anakin, I'm not exactly certain what happened to make you into...this. But I have to say, I'm not exactly against what the future you is doing," Obi-Wan says. Anakin silently nodded in agreement. "At this point, I'm just wondering if he has a box with Ahsoka in it around here somewhere."
"Her? Nah. That's a good idea for the season pass though," the orc said. "Oh, even better. A season pass that's a pass to let you buy more loot boxes!" Oh Christ, why the fuck did I write that. I'M GIVING THEM IDEAS! "I mean, it's not like I can't just sell armor with different trims and markings."
There was a long, uncomfortable silence. "Why not?" Anakin said. "The clones love to customize their armor. It's their way of showing who they are, of making it clear they aren't just all the same person. That would be rather popular among them."
"Uh," the orc said, slowly backing away while Vader advanced on him. "That would-uh, violate the canon of Star Wars." Everyone else blinked. They had no idea what he was talking about. "Yeah, it would violate the canon. It'd be like giving him white armor! Vader in white. Hah! That dumb." Ignoring the fact that vader HAD a white outfit. Seriously, it's real. Star Wars Infinities: Return of the Jedi. Vader gets redeemed and gets a white version of his outfit. "Or a pink one!"
"And the clones?" Anakin asked. "There's plenty of variants in their armor. Republic Commando, ARC Troopers, clones that specialize in specific environments, plenty of different types."
"No idea what you're talking about," the orc said, leaning back on the bag that said "EA's swag." As he pressed down on it, the side tore open and a dozen different clone trooper helmets rolled out of it, all with different colors on them. There was a note stuck to one. With a wave of his hand, Anakin summoned it to his grip. "We've got all these helmets designed and we could sell them, but fuck it. Also fuck anyone who bought our game. Love EA. P.S. buy Anthem or we kill Bioware. We gotta get some of that Destiny money, even though people are starting to hate Destiny." Anakin didn't have any idea what most of this note was talking about, but the part about armor was all too clear.
"I don't get it," Anakin said. "Why not sell armor? You already have no standards, considering you're willing to throw an entire war out of balance. This is just cosmetic. You'd make a killing off of this."
"But everything else make more money," the orc said defiantly.
"But you could make even more money selling both."
There was a moment of silence. "Don't follow. You got a chart for-" he was cut off as Vader's lightsaber separated the orc's head from the rest of his body.
"Well, at least no one else will be getting any more of his boxes," Obi-Wan. "Though, the more I think about it, things are still an utter mess with him gone." He checked his com unit. "I'm still getting the complimentary credits, and there is an option to buy loot boxes with them. We just can't pay for them out of pocket." Fucking bravo EA. Take out the loot boxes, only to prove what a broken, pathetic state the game had to be twisted into to tempt people into buying loot boxes. Seriously, fuck loot boxes, even when they're in good games. I'm looking at you Blizzard. Loot boxes started sprouting up all over in AAA gaming after you opened the floodgates in Overwatch.
"So, are you with us? Uh. Me?" Anakin said, approaching Vader.
"For the moment," Vader said. "Until everything returns to its proper state. Do we have any...other, family nearby?"
"General Kenobi!" Obi-Wan's com unit chimed. "There's a whiny teenage boy on the battlefield! He's throwing temper tantrums and talking about how he's the grandson of someone called Darth Vader. He must be some kind of Dark Jedi gone mad with power, he's slaughtering us by the hundreds!"
Darth Vader let out a weary sigh. "I had better right this. Any other relatives?" I dunno, Rey MIGHT be related to the Skywalkers. I don't know if the Last Jedi clears this up, I haven't found room in my schedule to watch it, mainly because I always go to the movies with my dad and we've both been working on the days others have had off recently. But the Force Awakens foreshadowed some sort of family relationship with the grace of a runaway ice cream truck.
"Not that I'm aware of," Anakin said. "Whiny teenage brat...would that be Luke or Leia's?"
Vader gave a grunt. "Speaking of which, you and I need to have a little chat about the Chancellor." Obi-Wan just shoot his head as he followed his apprentice and his apprentice outside. Everything had stopped making sense a long time ago. And he was certain Anakin had burned a hole in Padme's wallet.
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Author's Note: Please note that the loot boxes in this game in no way reflect the way they work in game. I have not played Battlefront 2, and do not intend to, I simply depicted them in the funniest way I could imagine.
I would like to thank my Patrons, SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, RaptorusMaximus, and Davis Swinney for their amazing support