Title: The Origin Of Wishbone.
Characters/Pairing: Merlin/Arthur, Gwaine/Merlin's anus.
Rating: PG-13 for gratuitous use of the word anus.
Word count: 750 ~
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to either BBC/Shine or JKR. And a little quote from the new Muppets movie. Noting spoilery though.
Summary: Gwaine wants to go on a quest to save the world from sparkles and vampires. Merlin is busy making a potion that has nothing to do with his anus. All the birds may or may not be dead.
Notes/Warnings: CRACK. Like, no joke. This was inspired by my lovely roommates when we were having dinner and mocking wishbones. Or something. Seriously. You have been warned.
"Merlin? Merlin! Merlin come ride out with me?"
"No, Gwaine. I'm a little busy at the moment." He measured the ratio of foxglove to belladonna before adding it to the beaker. It was a very delicate mixture and should Merlin get this wrong, it would probably cause an explosion the size of Uranus. Not that Merlin knew what Uranus was, because it hadn't been discovered yet. It just sounded funny. He told Gwaine as much.
Gwaine being Gwaine paused in his harassment of Merlin and said, "Your...anus? That isn't that large an explosion." He then proceeded to stare very intently at Merlin's rear, like he expected the explosion come from Merlin'sanus. He really hadn't seen Merlin's anus in a long, long time.
"Gwaine!" Merlin chastised.
"What? Oh, right. So will you come?"
"I will not. I need to make this potion."
"Why?"
"Because of reasons."
"Why?"
"Go eat an apple, Gwaine," Merlin orders.
"I don't wanna. I want to make a wish and to make a wish I need to go to the valley of the Jugular Mountains, beyond the Courdroy Plains to bathe in the Sparkles of Twilight before vampires descend and ruin the future for us all!"
"..."
"The vampires, Merlin! You wouldn't want sparkly vampires running around, would you?"
Merlin raised his eyes at the ceiling, because when one raised eyes at the ceiling it meant something. Apparently.
"You really need to make that wish?"
"YES!"
Merlin picked up a chicken that was lying conveniently on the table by his potion experiment. The chicken...of Destiny. From the land of Destanicus. "Here. Make a wish on this."
"On...chicken?" Gwaine, the poor fellow, looked confused.
"Magical chicken." Merlin nodded furiously.
Gwaine took the magical chicken from Merlin. "Just the chicken?"
Merlin contemplated saying yes, but then realized that that would just make Gwaine come back sooner than Merlin was ready for him. The potion was reallyimportant. "No," Merlin intoned in his most serious I-am-a-wise-and-powerful-warlock-and-you-must-listen-to-all-I-say voice. It was a very impressive voice. "You will have to find The Bone."
"The Bone?" Gwaine echoed, staring at the chicken like it held the answer to the universe.
"The Bone of Wishes. A supremely important bone in the shape of a Y."
"Why?"
"No. Y."
"Yeah. Why."
"The letter, Gwaine. The letter Y."
"Why?"
Merlin looked at the ceiling again. It helped. Sort of. "Just do it. It will grant any wish you want. I promise. You will have to break the bone in half with another person, and whoever gets the bigger piece gets the wish."
Gwaine turned to go and tear the chicken apart for this magical Bone of Wishes from the magical chicken of Destanicus. A thought occurred to me. A glorious, revolutionary, legendary thought. He whirled around to ask Merlin, "Do all chickens have this Bone?"
Merlin, being the thoughtless fool he was, and very engrossed in his potion experiment, nodded. "All the birds."
Gwaine's world lit up. "Allthe birds?"
"Allthebirds." Merlin gritted through his teeth. He needed to finish dammit!
Gwaine practically ran from the sorcerer's chambers. "Percival! We need to steal more chicken."
FOUR HOURS LATER...
Merlin had finally finished the potion. By the gods it had taken too long. At least he didn't have any more pointless interruptions from silly knights wanting to save the land from sparkles. Honestly...sparkles? Silly knights and their silly quests.
He delicately picked the beaker up to place it in the waning sunshine to complete the –
"MERLIN!"
And...there went the delicate potion, tumbling on the floor of Merlin's chambers. He watched in horror as the dangerous Uranus sized explosion causing potion to...not explode.
"Huh. Well, that was disappointing." Merlin pouted, shoulders hunching sadly.
"Disapp – what? Merlin! Would you care the explain why the kingdom is suddenly facing a shortage of birds?"
"What?"
"The birds, Merlin, are all gone! Unsurprisingly, this is your fault."
"That's rich! What proof have you?" He demanded, his honor hurt at Arthur's accusations.
Arthur only had one word to say, and Merlin decided Arthur was quite right this time. "Gwaine."
Thirty leagues away, Gwaine sat on a small mountain of dead bird feathers and bones, lovingly stroking his 18597 wishbone piece. Percival, unfortunately, was surrounded by the small pieces of wishbone.
"Allthe birds. MINE! Maniacal Laugh. Maniacal Laugh."