Luc's Letter
Eddi,
I'm sorry. I've been trying for weeks, and yet those are really the only words I can think to say to you. You deserve so much more, what I did was unforgivable, I know that, but I really couldn't stay. I was feeling trapped, I couldn't do it. I regret my choice every day, but I know that it's the only one I ever could have made. Staying would have only caused you more pain in the long run.
I did care about you. I still do, believe me, this isn't like me; I don't write letters, I move on. But I can't seem to do that any more, you're always on my mind and it's driving me crazy. I'm a doctor, I'm supposed to help people, but when it comes to helping myself I just can't do it, I always push people away. But it seems unfair to do that to you, after all you gave to me. So I'm going to let you know why.
You said something to me once, you were angry at me for ignoring you, you said "Someone must have really hurt you." I didn't respond to you then, because that's just me, I don't like talking about things. I've never spoken about this to anyone else before, but you were right. Someone did hurt me, and I just couldn't bear to do the same to you. I didn't want you to become like me.
Her name was Ellie. We'd been together for 2 and a half years, and I was absolutely in love with her. She was adventurous, funny, and exciting. She was everything that I admired in a woman. One summer we went to Wales for a holiday, as I was due to start work in a hospital after 7 years of studying. It was so beautiful, and we were walking in the hills and I realised 'This is who I want to spend the rest of my life with'. And so I asked her to marry me, and she didn't even pause before replying "Yes". I was so happy, I felt like the luckiest man alive. That night, we settled down to bed, and when I awoke in the morning, she was gone. There was nothing, no clue as to where she had gone, no note. All that was left was an empty bottle of alcohol sitting on the table in our small hotel room. I kept convincing myself that she'd just gone out to get some air, that she'd be back any minute, but I never saw her again. 2 weeks later I got a call from my Mum, saying that Ellie had been found dead. She'd been living with some motorcyclists, and apparently had overdosed on vodka. That was the moment that my heart ripped in two, and I've never been quite the same since. No, that's a lie, I've never been anything like the same as my former self. You asked why I hate alcohol. It's because I blame it for the loss of my fiancé.
And then you came along, and everything about you reminded me of her. You had the same relish for life, the same fast wit, even your name sounded like Ellie. I tried to distance myself from you, because I didn't want to get hurt again, I knew that I couldn't take it. But the thing is, you weren't like her, not deep down. You're honest and loyal; you aren't frightened of commitment, not like I am. I felt myself growing closer to you, and my emotions were all over the place. I'm an independent man, I like my space, I don't like sharing my feelings, and yet there you were, one by one breaking down all the barriers that I'd built over the years. And then you gave me your house key, and I realised that I'd made a terrible mistake, I wasn't prepared for commitment, and if it carried on this way I was going to hurt you, just like Ellie had hurt me. So I had to leave, before it was too late for both of us. I ran, like I always do.
I'm so, so sorry Eddi. I miss you, and I am so grateful to you for giving me a chance, but I didn't deserve it, we can never have a life together because I'll never be able to fully trust someone again, and a relationship has to be built on trust. I want you to find someone else. Please find someone else, someone who'll love and care for you, the way that I couldn't.
Luc.