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Title: Forever Unspoken
Author: xfasciXnationx
Rating: R
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Genre: Angst
Archiving: ff.net. Want? Please ask.
Feedback: If you feel I'm worthy of some praise, bad enough I need some advice or
made you mad enough to flame me; don't hesitate.
Synopsis: Draco has been a bad, bad boyfriend. He's lost Harry and probably for
good. He spends his time wallowing in self-pitying and depressive thoughts. Come let us
enter his mind and see for ourselves what he's thinking.
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters etc, JKR does. I just steal them, force them
to do wicked things to keep me entertained, then lock them back safely in their books.
Don't make any money, have nothing of worth except for some HP merchandise, which I will
never give up! The lyrics are copyright Stabbing Westward - they inspired this piece.
Spoilers: None, none at all.
Warning: Contains slash. This is a male loving another male and liking it. You
don't like it- don't read it. It's really for the best. Contains cussing and Malfoy
bashing.
Authors Notes: I got my muses back for Christmas Thank Merlin! I really truly
love Draco and Lucius Malfoy but well this is what my muses demanded I write. It was
all Draco's idea to begin with!
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Forever Unspoken - Written by xfasciXnationx
"I know I should have told you
I was so afraid you'd leave
And now there's nothing left to say
Well nothing that you'd believe
I never meant to hurt you
With the things I couldn't say
I'd promise you tomorrow
While denying you today"
- Torn Apart - Stabbing Westward (Darkest Days '98)
I know so many things now, now that you're gone. I guess I really knew them all along but
I couldn't admit them even to myself. Didn't want to. I'm a Malfoy to the core, I truly
am. I never wanted to be, I always swore to myself that I'd never become Lucius. I was
promising myself lies even up until yesterday. Yesterday, possibly the worst day of my
life and you know that really says something because I've had some real shockers. More
things I should have told you.
Stupid Malfoy pride. Stupid pride, stupid Malfoy. God I'm really stupid. I should have
known better, known you better than that. You're not stupid; you've never been stupid, not
even for liking me. I'd like to be able to say that I was Harry Potter's biggest mistake
but I'm not worthy. You were smart even at eleven, you knew. You saw me for what I really
am back on that train. Knew before you even knew anything about me.
I'll never know what made you change your mind about me when your instincts have served
you so well over the years. I guess you're too nice, far too nice for your own good Harry,
to give me of all people a second chance. Everyone thought you were mad for doing it. I
tried my hardest to prove them wrong, to show you that I'm not just a nasty little git.
And I did for a while. I was the nice, caring, even loving boy I had always dreamed of
being. But then like all good things must for the Malfoys, it ended.
And boy did it ever end. It ended so completely, so abruptly, like that breaks slamming on
in the middle of a Muggle roller coaster ride. My father took me to Voldemort. He prodded
and poked me through the initiation; he held me down while they burnt the Dark Mark into
my arm; he dragged me home and beat me afterwards for crying, for not being willing and
for embarrassing him in front of his Lord. He locked me in my rooms for the rest of the
holidays. He never gave me a choice, never gave me a chance.
I know you're never going to believe me now, after everything that's happened. After
everything I caused. I'm responsible for all of it and you'll never understand how sorry I
am, for all of it. Sorry I couldn't have been a better person, sorry that I was born a
Malfoy, sorry that I didn't do the right thing when it came down to the crunch.
I truly loved you Harry, and I love you still like I've never loved anyone before. I
didn't even know that I could be happy let alone love anything before you. You did change
me; it was you that helped me become the boy I always wanted to be. Then I used everything
you are and thought I was, against you because I was too stupid to see what I had. The
best thing I ever had. The only good thing I'll ever know for the rest of my miserable
existence. You were my one chance and I blew it. I did to you what my father has been
doing to everyone he knows for years, what he did to me from the day I was born, what he
does to my mother everyday. I am exactly like him, in looks and now behaviour. He has
taught his son well, I bet he's proud.
I could never tell you before Harry, even when I tried my hardest. I'm a bloody coward; I
could never be a Gryffindor. It wasn't my ambition - for I have none, nor my love of the
Dark Arts - for I loathe them as I loathe myself, but my bloody cowardice that got me
sorted into Slytherin. I wouldn't have dared to disobey my father; I still wouldn't, not
really. Sad isn't it.
You're the only thing I've ever risked my father's wrath for. The only thing ever worth
it, worth every lash, every second of pain my father caused (because I am ever a
disappointment to him) while I had you for those four blissful months as my boyfriend and
the five before that when you were simply my friend.
I'd never hurt you, I mean I know that I did but I didn't want to, didn't mean to. I know
these are just weak words that you're never going to believe. I understand that you'll
never trust me again because of my actions. They are what truly show who we are and I'm
the worst, the absolute worst bastard that ever lived.
When you asked me what had happened during those holidays I really wanted to tell you
everything. To break down and confess it all, but instead I lied. I lied to you looking
into your eyes. I did it so easily, slipping back into old habits. I said it was nothing,
that father had simply started to notice that something was going on, that I was acting
strangely. Well he did notice that, he'd noticed it the previous holidays - asked me who
the snowy owl belonged to, I had told him it was just a friends. He left it alone but I
could tell that he knew something else was going on, he always knew.
I'm such a fucking coward I can't even take responsibility for my own actions, I can
hardly even admit it to myself. I'm too scared of what it means. I have to blame my father
for it all. I could have made a difference, I should have stood up to my father for once
in my life, told him no. Should have told Voldemort to get stuffed or something more
appropriate for him. I could have stopped it if I had half the courage that you do.
I always wanted to be like you, still wish I could be. I never would have admitted it, not
to anyone - especially not you. It doesn't matter anymore though, I have nothing left to
loose by telling you everything; since I've already lost you.
That's really what scared me more than anything else, the thought that if you knew the
truth about me that you'd leave me. You'd desert me in the blink of an eye if I told you.
That you'd leave me here alone; that I'd have to be alone, so cold and empty again. I
couldn't bear the thought. It made my breath catch in my throat, my heartbeat quicken and
my soul ach unbelievably. What I imagined it'd feel like, loosing you is nothing compared
to how it really feels. It's far worse. A million times worse than I could ever have
imagined.
I can't believe I managed to keep it from you for so long. I'm such a good Malfoy that I
surprise myself with just how sly and horrible I can be. I'll never change though; I know
that now. Once you turn into a Malfoy there's no going back. Not for anything or anyone.
You're stuck with it for the rest of your life. Destined to be lonely and miserable.
That's what our family crest should have on it - Malfoy: Forever Lonely Miserable
Bastards. I think it sums up exactly what it is to be a Malfoy. If I wasn't such a baby
I'd end the tradition with me; severe the Malfoy bloodline with one slash. But I can't.
Instead I'll suffer and punish everyone around me because I'm stupid and selfish.
The moment you found it and realised what it was is forever burning behind my eyes,
glaring at me, reminding me how stupid and foolish and just how cowardly I truly am. The
look on your face said it all, the betrayal, the obvious disappointment, and even some
anger, but there was mostly heartbreak. I never imagined what that look would be like, I
tried but I just couldn't bear to do it. With that one look my heart shattered, my
illusions crumbled and I knew that it was all over. That because you loved me you would
never give me another chance. I hurt you more than anybody before. In those seconds I
realised I am worse than Voldemort because at least he doesn't claim to love those he
uses, betrays and kills. Christ I'm sorry Harry.
-----End.