Hey y'all.
Another story!
I am having so many ideas lately that I can't keep up with all my stories.
Right now I can't continue with my Under one Roof story since it's on my
upstairs computer (it's actually not mine) and my cousin's on that
computer. It will be continued sometime.
Disclaimer: Do I ever own anything? Of course we don't own these things. I mean after all we are FANS. FANS are people who really like someone else's creation. If it is someone else's creation then we obviously don't own it. Ok. Well just to make sure, I do not own YYH.
Please Read and Review! Starts in Yusuke's POV.
Falling Apart ~ Chapter One ~ Refusal
I've always liked her. The way her brown hair flows in the wind as she standing next to me smiling makes me tingle inside. I have never had this feeling in my life except when my spirit energy gets to a really high level. But this is different somehow. Her rosy cheeks make me ......nervous. I remember when we met in 6th grade. She went up to me and was the first one to say "Hi" to me in my new school. I thought she was an angel to help me through my awkward life. But she wasn't. I've just kept my feelings for her trapped inside me.
But now, I'm about to let it out.
No!
I must keep my feelings in. No matter what. Feelings always show weaknesses. That is what Genkai taught me. I must obey her. She's always right. But yet she's passed away.
Confusion.
What should I do? Should I tell her how I feel about her? Should I just keep it inside like I always have? This is driving me insane.
"Yusuke, are you okay? You haven't spoken in a long time." Keiko turns to smile at me. Keiko. I love her. It's harder to suppress my feelings than I thought it would be.
I couldn't speak. All that came out was some blabber when I had tried to say that I was fine.
She laughs. Her sweet laugh. I think she thought I was joking around like I usually do. But I'm not joking around. There's something in my stomach. I don't know what it is. Jeez, what did mom feed me today? Wait, I haven't eaten anything today. How weird. This is making my head hurt.
"Keiko........" I finally manage to blurt out.
Her face turns serious but is still kind. "What is it Yusuke?"
"I........." I can't say this. No. I can't. My hands are sweating. There's a weird silence between the two of us as I study her beautiful face.
"You what Yusuke?" She obviously thought I was kidding around. I could feel the heat radiating from my face as she stared into my eyes.
"I.....I....I......." I really can't speak. Somebody help me. I'm about to die of embarrassment.
"Yusuke we should keep on walking. You can tell me later when we get to our houses and when you remember." Keiko turned away from me. No! I must tell her now! Right now! But I can't. Or maybe I'm just a coward.
"Keiko! Wait! Please...." I grab her arm softly.
She turns back around. "What is it already?" She showed her aggravation. But her eyes were so kind and gentle.
"I......love you." I blurt out. Okay. Now what would she do?
Her eyes got wider and wider until they were bug-eyed.
"Yusuke...I......I always thought we were only friends." Keiko's face turned expressionless.
Refusal.
I felt a pain that was worse than having a hole through my stomach, and trust me, I've felt that before. There was a knife in my heart and I wasn't dying and I couldn't get the knife out.
At least now I know that she doesn't feel the same way about me as I feel about her. I still love her.
She noticed my sadness. "Yusuke I'm sorry. I just ....don't think it would work out well." She patted my shoulder but I moved away. I don't think I really cared about anything right at that moment except for maybe Keiko.
I have to face this well. I can't make Keiko feel bad. I managed to get out a non-fake smile. I was actually quite surprised.
"It's okay," I said, "I'll walk you home."
She made a motion that said I could hold her hand but I shook my head. She only thinks of us as friends. Not even best friends. I don't care. I don't want her to think I'm going to fall into depression. But I'm already in a pool of depression.
After I dropped her off at her house, I walked to my house, which was a block down. I felt sadness wash over me in giant waves. Cold tears ran down my cheeks in flows. Though my face was emotionless, my eyes were filled of sadness.
Depression.
I don't like it. I run to my house. No one could see me like this. Absolutely no one. It took me one second to get my house.
Depression.
My body collapses onto my bed. I roll to the corner and curl up. My mom wasn't home yet again. I didn't care. I didn't need anyone to comfort me because no one could.
Depression.
I need to fight. It's the only way to keep my sadness in.
Depression.
No! Fighting would only make it worse. I cry. I haven't cried since like this since I was three. That was when my mom was drunk in front of me for the first time. I was scared. This is different. I feel sick. I want to throw up. I want to hit myself over and over again.
Depression.
It was Keiko's choice. If she doesn't feel the same way that I feel about her then I couldn't make her feel bad just because of my sadness. I can't do that. I grew up to take care of myself. I should be able to do this. I will never cry in public. Especially Keiko. I watch a car drive by. People were laughing inside the car. Laughing was something I wish I could do right now.
The phone rings.
Depression.
I pick it up. "Hello?"
"Yusuke this is Koenma. I have a job for you."
"Okay. What is it?" I ask trying to keep my voice steady.
"You sound sick Yusuke." I sure felt sick. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yeah I'm sure."
"Okay Yusuke." Koenma explained the job in brief sentences then said goodbye. He wanted me to kill this very dangerous mob of assasins. This mob was some group of demons who called themselves 'The Heart of the Crown'.
Depression.
I had to do this. Maybe fighting will get rid of this sickness in my stomach. Sometimes people would think that seeing blood makes a fighter sick. It actually makes me feel good. I sound sadist. But I am sad. But it's not Keiko's fault. Not hers at all.
Depression is taking over me.
I break out into dreadful sobs. I weep and scream in silence. My heart screams to get out of this room with walls and no windows. I need to find a place where there are no walls. Tears wet the floor of my bedroom as I bend over onto the ground, holding my stomach. I retch. The insides of my stomach feel like they went upside down. I clutch my sides in horror and pain at how I was feeling and then I lay down, crying and sobbing.
I'm living in my nightmare. I scream like I have never screamed before in my life. I scream over and over again. It's never going to end. Never! Tears are never ending. I want to stab myself over and over again to end the pain.
I want to kill myself but I'm too afraid. Coward!
If I do Koenma will just bring me back to life. Maybe even if I don't want to.
Does my mom have a gun? I could use it at the moment. Nah I think a knife will do.
What I am saying?
I can't kill myself just because I'm sad. Keiko might think it was her fault. I can't hurt her because of my selfishness.
I am hopeless. All I can do now is fight for Koenma. I'm a failure with everything else.
I finally close my eyes.
Sleep.
Tossing and turning over and over again. I hear Keiko's voice in my head.
"I always thought we were just friends." "I'm sorry Yusuke."
"Just friends........."
"Sorry Yusuke......."
I yell out as I sit up with my eyes wide and open. Just friends. Nothing else. I could feel the waves of sadness and pain flowing harder and pushing me farther into the sea of depression.
I hate myself.
I despise myself.
When will this end?
~ End of Refusal ~
Did you like it? It's really angsty I think. I don't think the other chapters will be as angsty as this was. Was this chapter long enough?
Disclaimer: Do I ever own anything? Of course we don't own these things. I mean after all we are FANS. FANS are people who really like someone else's creation. If it is someone else's creation then we obviously don't own it. Ok. Well just to make sure, I do not own YYH.
Please Read and Review! Starts in Yusuke's POV.
Falling Apart ~ Chapter One ~ Refusal
I've always liked her. The way her brown hair flows in the wind as she standing next to me smiling makes me tingle inside. I have never had this feeling in my life except when my spirit energy gets to a really high level. But this is different somehow. Her rosy cheeks make me ......nervous. I remember when we met in 6th grade. She went up to me and was the first one to say "Hi" to me in my new school. I thought she was an angel to help me through my awkward life. But she wasn't. I've just kept my feelings for her trapped inside me.
But now, I'm about to let it out.
No!
I must keep my feelings in. No matter what. Feelings always show weaknesses. That is what Genkai taught me. I must obey her. She's always right. But yet she's passed away.
Confusion.
What should I do? Should I tell her how I feel about her? Should I just keep it inside like I always have? This is driving me insane.
"Yusuke, are you okay? You haven't spoken in a long time." Keiko turns to smile at me. Keiko. I love her. It's harder to suppress my feelings than I thought it would be.
I couldn't speak. All that came out was some blabber when I had tried to say that I was fine.
She laughs. Her sweet laugh. I think she thought I was joking around like I usually do. But I'm not joking around. There's something in my stomach. I don't know what it is. Jeez, what did mom feed me today? Wait, I haven't eaten anything today. How weird. This is making my head hurt.
"Keiko........" I finally manage to blurt out.
Her face turns serious but is still kind. "What is it Yusuke?"
"I........." I can't say this. No. I can't. My hands are sweating. There's a weird silence between the two of us as I study her beautiful face.
"You what Yusuke?" She obviously thought I was kidding around. I could feel the heat radiating from my face as she stared into my eyes.
"I.....I....I......." I really can't speak. Somebody help me. I'm about to die of embarrassment.
"Yusuke we should keep on walking. You can tell me later when we get to our houses and when you remember." Keiko turned away from me. No! I must tell her now! Right now! But I can't. Or maybe I'm just a coward.
"Keiko! Wait! Please...." I grab her arm softly.
She turns back around. "What is it already?" She showed her aggravation. But her eyes were so kind and gentle.
"I......love you." I blurt out. Okay. Now what would she do?
Her eyes got wider and wider until they were bug-eyed.
"Yusuke...I......I always thought we were only friends." Keiko's face turned expressionless.
Refusal.
I felt a pain that was worse than having a hole through my stomach, and trust me, I've felt that before. There was a knife in my heart and I wasn't dying and I couldn't get the knife out.
At least now I know that she doesn't feel the same way about me as I feel about her. I still love her.
She noticed my sadness. "Yusuke I'm sorry. I just ....don't think it would work out well." She patted my shoulder but I moved away. I don't think I really cared about anything right at that moment except for maybe Keiko.
I have to face this well. I can't make Keiko feel bad. I managed to get out a non-fake smile. I was actually quite surprised.
"It's okay," I said, "I'll walk you home."
She made a motion that said I could hold her hand but I shook my head. She only thinks of us as friends. Not even best friends. I don't care. I don't want her to think I'm going to fall into depression. But I'm already in a pool of depression.
After I dropped her off at her house, I walked to my house, which was a block down. I felt sadness wash over me in giant waves. Cold tears ran down my cheeks in flows. Though my face was emotionless, my eyes were filled of sadness.
Depression.
I don't like it. I run to my house. No one could see me like this. Absolutely no one. It took me one second to get my house.
Depression.
My body collapses onto my bed. I roll to the corner and curl up. My mom wasn't home yet again. I didn't care. I didn't need anyone to comfort me because no one could.
Depression.
I need to fight. It's the only way to keep my sadness in.
Depression.
No! Fighting would only make it worse. I cry. I haven't cried since like this since I was three. That was when my mom was drunk in front of me for the first time. I was scared. This is different. I feel sick. I want to throw up. I want to hit myself over and over again.
Depression.
It was Keiko's choice. If she doesn't feel the same way that I feel about her then I couldn't make her feel bad just because of my sadness. I can't do that. I grew up to take care of myself. I should be able to do this. I will never cry in public. Especially Keiko. I watch a car drive by. People were laughing inside the car. Laughing was something I wish I could do right now.
The phone rings.
Depression.
I pick it up. "Hello?"
"Yusuke this is Koenma. I have a job for you."
"Okay. What is it?" I ask trying to keep my voice steady.
"You sound sick Yusuke." I sure felt sick. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yeah I'm sure."
"Okay Yusuke." Koenma explained the job in brief sentences then said goodbye. He wanted me to kill this very dangerous mob of assasins. This mob was some group of demons who called themselves 'The Heart of the Crown'.
Depression.
I had to do this. Maybe fighting will get rid of this sickness in my stomach. Sometimes people would think that seeing blood makes a fighter sick. It actually makes me feel good. I sound sadist. But I am sad. But it's not Keiko's fault. Not hers at all.
Depression is taking over me.
I break out into dreadful sobs. I weep and scream in silence. My heart screams to get out of this room with walls and no windows. I need to find a place where there are no walls. Tears wet the floor of my bedroom as I bend over onto the ground, holding my stomach. I retch. The insides of my stomach feel like they went upside down. I clutch my sides in horror and pain at how I was feeling and then I lay down, crying and sobbing.
I'm living in my nightmare. I scream like I have never screamed before in my life. I scream over and over again. It's never going to end. Never! Tears are never ending. I want to stab myself over and over again to end the pain.
I want to kill myself but I'm too afraid. Coward!
If I do Koenma will just bring me back to life. Maybe even if I don't want to.
Does my mom have a gun? I could use it at the moment. Nah I think a knife will do.
What I am saying?
I can't kill myself just because I'm sad. Keiko might think it was her fault. I can't hurt her because of my selfishness.
I am hopeless. All I can do now is fight for Koenma. I'm a failure with everything else.
I finally close my eyes.
Sleep.
Tossing and turning over and over again. I hear Keiko's voice in my head.
"I always thought we were just friends." "I'm sorry Yusuke."
"Just friends........."
"Sorry Yusuke......."
I yell out as I sit up with my eyes wide and open. Just friends. Nothing else. I could feel the waves of sadness and pain flowing harder and pushing me farther into the sea of depression.
I hate myself.
I despise myself.
When will this end?
~ End of Refusal ~
Did you like it? It's really angsty I think. I don't think the other chapters will be as angsty as this was. Was this chapter long enough?