Breaking Point
Sequel to The Engima that is Dean Wincester.
Sam was startled awake by the sound of painful moans. Once his head cleared, he realized where the sounds were coming from. The nightmares were getting worse and Dean's fever wasn't helping. At first they had started as soft moans and even soft sobs, but night after night, Dean had gotten more vocal, just short of saying words. As the dreams got worse, the harder it was for Sam to wake Dean up from them. It was as if some force was keeping him in the dream state only releasing him when it felt Dean had suffered enough.
Just as Sam was about to reach out and try to wake him again, Castiel surprised him.
"It's easing," Castiel said.
And as if hearing him, Dean's body relaxed and his breathing slowed.
"Can you help him? Can you do anything?" Sam softly pleaded.
"No one can relieve Dean of his memories, just as anyone who has experienced the horrific would be unable to."
"It's just that I don't know how long he'll be able to withstand all of it. He barely keeps it bottled up when he's awake. It helps when we're on a case…drinking was numbing things for awhile, but…I don't think it's working anymore. I want to help him."
"I know you do, Sam, but what's happened to him nothing or no one can erase. And what he did there, it haunts him."
"Can you absolve him? Can God?"
"He already has been by our Father. It was one of the reasons He commanded me to pull him out from Hell. He saw his suffering and not just what Hell inflicts, but Dean's guilt and anguish upon himself for what he has done. I told Dean this," Castiel paused. "But Dean can't forgive himself."
"Once he does, will it–"
"No, Sam, even if Dean could forgive himself, the memories will always remain, hopefully they will lessen over time, as memories often do, but the only release Dean can truly receive is from death."
Sam sat on his bed, dejected. The idea of losing Dean again was unthinkable, yet he wondered if Dean was starting to slip.
"I'm afraid he's thinking –"
"You must not know your brother well to think that he would end his life meaninglessly."
"Every man has his breaking point and much as I want to believe Dean doesn't, he's carried so much, gone through so much. How much more could he have left to give? He already feels he's been broken once. I know he wouldn't deliberately try to…but he might allow himself to get reckless…"
Sam shook his head.
"Dean believes in the mission, Castiel. He may not believe that he deserves to be saved, but he's fully invested in keeping Lucifer from rising. I am too."
"I know. I talked with Dean while you were getting the antibiotics. He is punishing himself for what happened in Hell, but I believe that with you by his side, he will find the strength to continue, all the more reason for you to keep from using your powers. It endangers the both of you."
Sam could only nod and act contrite.
Castiel watched with genuine sympathy over Sam's concern and tried to think of something that might ease his pain since he was helpless to do the same for Dean.
"This human vessel I possess…I only know of the man's devotion. It was that devotion that allowed me entrance. Unlike demons, we don't hijack humans. However, his devotion is all I know of this man. I know what Dean went through in Hell, but I don't know the man who is your brother. Perhaps you can enlighten me."
Sam looked over and smiled.
"I don't know what I could tell you that you haven't already seen for yourself. He likes to think he's good at hiding things, but he's pretty transparent."
"What was he like as a boy?"
Sam took in a breath.
"He carried too much even back then. He would act like a regular kid at school, but when he was alone, when he didn't know I was watching, he'd sometimes look sad, afraid even. He'd never say it, but I knew that he was tired of being the responsible one, watching out for me and for Dad, but he wouldn't let his guard down. He was scared of losing us like we had lost our mother and it drove his whole life. I hate to say it, but I took advantage of him. Him being there whenever I needed, made it easier for me to dream of a life outside of hunting. Because he was always there to take care of Dad, me too, I could let myself believe that I could do whatever I wanted. And I did for a little while, but I never could have if Dean hadn't been there. It's the kind of guy he is."
Castiel nodded.
"I told Dean this but you should know too. I know you believe that angels should act a certain way that we should measure up to the myth that man has created in movies, but we are warriors like you are. We take orders like you do. We have crises of faith…"
Castiel trailed off thinking of Anna.
"Like Anna," Sam finished.
"Yes. We are far from perfect. Uriel is one extreme, but many of us are conflicted. I am conflicted."
Castiel looked over at Dean.
"Dean. He challenged my certainty, my devotion and well he should. I wish I was as certain as he is."
"About what?"
"About what doing the right thing means, about following one's conscience. He thinks by giving in to Alistair he gave into evil, that his acts turned him evil. He refuses to consider that he also asked for forgiveness from all those souls. By doing that, he denied Alistair his own humanity. To ask for forgiveness is the greatest act of humility. Dean doesn't see that by clinging to the belief that hurting innocents is inherently wrong and by asking for their forgiveness, he was able to keep his soul intact, that he defeated evil from conquering it. Hell is about destroying what makes a person human. Being human, if you were blessed with a good soul, means possessing compassion, caring for one's fellows, and being true to oneself. Dean embodies all those things. He kept Alistair from taking those away from him," Castiel said, a look of admiration on his face.
Sam listened intently at Castiel's assessment of his brother and felt like he was learning something new about how strong his brother was. He had always thought Dean was strong, sometimes too strong, too stubborn to let others, especially Sam, share the load of all he had insisted to carry on his own, but he had viewed him as just his brother, just someone to look up to. Now, he was seeing Dean through someone else's eyes and what he saw was someone who defied close to the devil himself and managed to keep his humanity. That was a whole new level of strength.
"Dean told me you sent him back to the past to see the truth about how it all started, about how our mom made the deal…"
Castiel nodded. Sam's expression became pensive and he looked at Castiel.
"Is there any way I can see…" Sam stuttered afraid to go further, but he didn't have to.
"No, Sam, I will not let you see what happened to Dean. It would serve no purpose and Dean wouldn't want that."
Sam bowed his head.
"I know. I guess I thought…"
"If you could see what he went through, you could somehow help him, understand what he's going through now."
Sam nodded.
"Nothing you could see there would offer you any more insight than you already have, at least, not about your brother. To see his suffering is only to spread the pain. I will not do that to you or to him."
Suddenly, the silence between them was broken by Dean's ragged breathing and grunts of pain.
"Yeh, you bastard, hit me with your best shot! I'd tell you to go to Hell, but…" Dean yelled then he screamed in agony, arching off of the bed, twisting his body unnaturally.
Castiel and Sam rushed to Dean's side.
"We have to wake him up!" Sam yelled over Dean's screams, trying to keep as calm as he could.
Castiel understood and tried to help by bracing Dean so that Sam could reach him.
"Dean? Dean? Wake up, man! You're okay, you're safe!"
Dean kept on screaming and thrashing. Sam couldn't stop his eyes from filling with tears. The last time he had seen Dean in so much pain was when the Hell Hound had ripped him to shreds. He took in a breath to stay in control and kept trying to reach Dean, but his attempts were literally falling on deaf ears. Sam then began to notice cuts appearing on Dean's arms and torso.
"What? Something's wrong."
Castiel followed Sam's gaze and noticed the wounds as well. More wounds began to appear, bleeding profusely as they got deeper and longer. Dean winced and twisted with each cut.
"What's happening?" Sam yelled, panic setting in as he watched his brother writhe in pain.
Castiel then stoically, placed two fingers upon Dean's forehead between his eyes and Dean's body relaxed slowly until it finally stilled.
"How'd you…?"
"It's a…power I possess. I've calmed him long enough for you to tend to the wounds, but it won't keep him unconscious for long."
"What's happening to him?"
"I don't know. It would seem that the wounds he suffered in Hell are manifesting in his delirium."
"So until the fever breaks, it could happen again?"
"I'm afraid so," Castiel paused. "And they could get worse."
Sam looked over, saw the open wounds, the blood soaked sheets and found himself fighting off the urge to retch.
"How much more can Dean stand?" Sam said, more to himself.
Castiel stood silent for he had no answer to give, but he hoped that Dean would continue to fight as he always had. He had seen many great men in history defeated by less, but no man he had ever known had possessed Dean's will to survive, leaders and soldiers alike.
Sam left to get more food and water for Dean as well as more first aid supplies. Patching up Dean's new wounds had used up all the reserves they had. Castiel, again, stood vigil by Dean's bed. Dean then began to stir. He turned to see Castiel through blurry, tired eyes.
"What happened?" Dean rasped and swallowed with difficulty, feeling the jagged pain in his throat like shards of glass were tearing into it.
"What do you remember?"
"Nightmares…" Dean said tiredly.
Dean tried to move and grimaced. He scanned his arms and noticed the bandages.
"I thought…" Dean said in hushed shock.
"That it was just a dream. It seems that your torture is manifesting physically."
Dean took in a heavy sigh of anguish.
"Damn it…" He said.
"Your fever has to break so that the hallucinations can end."
"But the nightmares won't, Cas…"
"Dean, it's the infection and probably whatever was on that demon's blade that is causing this."
"Where's Sam?"
"He's gone out for more supplies."
Dean nodded as he moaned with pain.
"I was hoping Sam would never have to see this…"
Dean stiffened and moaned from residual pain coursing through his body.
Once again, Castiel assisted Dean in drinking some water then laid him back down.
"I'm sorry, Dean."
"For what?" Dean asked.
"If you hadn't put yourself in harm's way –"
"Forget about it, Cas. Not your fault. No regrets," Dean said with a weak smile, but it quickly faded.
"How can you so easily forgive everyone, but not yourself?"
Dean didn't answer and Castiel looked at him.
"I know the truth, Dean, about why you really surrendered to Alistair. It wasn't the pain that defeated you."
Dean looked over, too tired to act surprised.
"Sam can't know," Dean said his voice laryngitic from screaming. "I can't lay that on him. He's going through enough already. I already made one mistake by making that deal and leaving Sam alone. It's my fault he started using his powers."
Castiel was amazed at the responsibility Dean took for Sam's actions.
"Dean –"
"Please, Cas, I'm begging. Please don't tell Sam."
"Tell me what?" A voice from behind them said.
Dean's heart sank and he knew that it was too late. He would have to come clean now. Castiel noticed Dean's exhausted resignation and had decided he would tell Sam.
"What is it?" Sam asked, worry in his voice.
"Sam –" Castiel began.
"Cas, wait, I should tell him," Dean said as he struggled to sit up.
"Dean, don't move, just tell me," Sam said softly.
"What I told you about getting off the rack, that was true, but there was more to it than that. I gave in because…because…" Dean started, but he began to groan and curled into a ball onto the bed.
"Dean?" Sam said scared. "I have to get him to a hospital –"
Dean grabbed Sam's shirt to stop him then shook his head, "Hospital…can't help…"
"What does he mean?"
"The pain is from the infection. It's getting worse, but the infection is supernatural in origin. No hospital can help him. I believe there was something on the demon's blade."
Sam stood helpless and could only watch Dean ride through the pain. Finally, Dean began to relax again. He then fell unconscious from the strain. Sam watched him closely and made sure that Dean's breathing was as even as it could be given all that he had gone through then sat down in a nearby chair.
"You know, don't you?" Sam said. "What was he going to tell me?"
Castiel hesitated, but felt that it was necessary to finish what Dean had started.
"Sam, Dean didn't give in to Alistair just because of the pain. Every man, every soul has a breaking point as you said. Uriel told Dean that with just the right amount of pressure, everyone breaks and it's true. It's all a matter of finding what that is. Alistair found Dean's. You."
Sam didn't act surprised or shocked. After all, just before they had faced Lillith, Dean had confided that Sam was his weak spot and he Sam's. It didn't surprise him that Alistair would use him to get to Dean.
"What did Alistair say to him?" Sam asked.
"That when he returned to Earth, he would bring you down to Hell with him."
Sam nodded. He stood up and paced the room.
"Dean blames himself for you using your powers."
"Because he wasn't here to stop me," Sam said, a touch of bitterness in his voice. "He probably thinks I'm destined for Hell because I did."
"No, Sam. He doesn't. He believes in you. It's the rising of Lucifer that scares him. He knows what a Hell on Earth would be like. In that world, everyone is at risk, every soul is at stake."
Sam looked over at Dean's sleeping form. His expression softened.
"He'll always put you first," Castiel said.
"And that worries everyone, doesn't it? That if given the choice between saving me and the world, he'll choose me, just like he did when Anna's life was at stake."
"I don't know what Dean's choices will be. He doesn't even know. The future is unknown even to us. I do know that we will all have to make hard decisions in this war. That's what war is. Sacrifice."
Sam could only nod.
A few hours passed and Dean was still unconscious. Sam was getting worried. He kept checking to make sure Dean was still breathing. Castiel, also, hadn't left either of their sides. He found himself feeling invested in the fates of these brothers, particularly for Dean, but understanding that he and his brother were intertwined. A part of him hoped to learn much about the human condition from Dean. Like Anna, he had been watching over this world for centuries, had witnessed both the best of humanity and the worst. There had been brave men, noble men, and men with conviction. Dean was different. Dean possessed all they had, but there was something unique to him that intrigued Castiel. He couldn't point to any one specific quality, but there was a depth to the man that ran deeper than most. He had told Dean the truth, he didn't envy the choices that lay in wait for him, but he truly hoped that Dean would stop the seals from being broken not only by applying his considerable hunting talents, but also by offering his special gift of forgiveness. For all of humanity's flaws, Dean believed that it was worth saving and Castiel believed that Dean's solid and unshakeable belief in that would be what would save it.
Sam had finally fallen asleep, exhausted from worry. Castiel watched Dean breathe fitfully at first, but then he suddenly noticed that it had become even and steady. Dean opened his eyes and though his face was lined with pain, Castiel knew that Dean had come through the darkness of the infection.
"Cas? Where's Sam?" Dean's voice barely a whisper.
Castiel had to grin a little. Sam was never far from Dean's thoughts and it warmed him. Family. It was something he had never known, never thought he'd ever want, but watching both brother's devotion and protectiveness towards each other actually made him feel longing. Dean's protectiveness was much stronger and he could actually feel it.
Being in a human body was giving him feelings and experiences he only knew from being told about them. Uriel's disdain for humanity was clear, but Castiel had never felt that. Like Anna, he was curious. He wondered what it would be like to feel human emotions and now that he was starting to feel for these brothers, to consider them comrades in the war, he wanted to feel and learn more about what it means to be human. He was slowly coming to understand why Anna wanted to stay and the thought scared him. He had not chosen to fall as she had. He had inserted himself into his body for a purpose, a purpose commanded by God. He understood that his newly found discoveries could offer a temptation that he might not be able to resist. Dean's influence was becoming stronger and stronger as well and he found himself wanting to be more like him.
"He's asleep. How do you feel?"
"I don't know for sure, but I think better," Dean said then paused. "Did you…"
"Tell Sam about Alistair's threat? Yes, he knows."
Dean laid his head back and took in a long sigh.
"Guess he had to find out eventually…"
Dean closed his eyes.
"He understood, Dean."
"Did he?" Dean said.
"I don't understand."
"Be honest, Cas. Wasn't Sam just a little ticked off?"
"Yeh. Yeh, I was," Sam said hearing the conversation as he woke up.
Dean looked over at Sam.
"Because no matter how you cut it, everything that's happened to you is because of me. And however this war plays out, they're worried you'll choose me over saving the world because you already have. The deal, Alistair, Anna, it was all about finding your weak spot, Dean. Remember that talk we had before we faced Lillith? Well, your weak spot could be a monster and they're afraid you won't see it until it's too late!" Sam yelled.
Dean let his brother rant. He had a right. This was what Dean was hoping to avoid, but he knew that someday his nightmares would give him away. The infection just did it for him faster. The last time Sam had raged against his circumstances was when they were going after Jack Montgomery and Dean got to learn first hand Sam's fear and rationalization for using his powers. It hurt Dean then that Sam would believe he would think any less of him. He was more afraid, scared to death if he were to be honest that Sam would slip too far for him to grab hold and keep from a dark destiny, the very destiny Sam was afraid of. Dean had to admit that he had done a real crappy job of telling Sam that so what else was Sam supposed to think? He knew he had to right it somehow now.
Dean struggled to rise up from the bed again. Both Castiel and Sam tried to reach out and help him, but Dean waved them off. The room spun and Dean ached from every pore in his body, but he had to do this face to face to make his point.
"Yeh, I remember that talk. It was true then and it's true now. That will never change. Not for you, not for me. Can you honestly tell me that you wouldn't have done the same thing for me? You so much as told me that you tried to make a deal yourself so I know that if they had let you, you would have gone through exactly what I did. I know that if Alistair had made the same threat to you, you would have given in. In my book, a monster doesn't make those tough choices, but my brother would. I don't regret making those choices, Sam, not a one and you wouldn't have either if the roles were reversed."
Sam listened and a calm settled over him.
"I know," Sam said. "It's just, why can't you forgive yourself? What happened wasn't your fault. How come I get to forgive myself if I made those same choices, to have my breaking point, but not you?"
Dean swallowed hard, exhaustion was blanketing his body and he felt like he could sleep for days, but he knew he had to give Sam an answer first.
"Because I have to find my own way to get beyond it," Dean said, his voice cracking with pain, pain and guilt still too fresh to simply dismiss. "And I will, Sam, but not just yet. I can't."
Sam could only let the subject drop. He knew his brother too well to argue about taking responsibility, after all, Dean had been his teacher and both of them had learned their lessons well.
Sam laid Dean back down on the bed and watched his brother immediately fall asleep. Sam felt comforted by it. Dean was going to be okay. This time. He turned to see Castiel silently watching.
"I think Dean will recover." Castiel said.
"Yeh, yeh, I think he will too."
FIN. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed it.